Confronting wife’s AP (Need advice)

Then_Picture_3399 · 2026-06-02T21:58:05+00:00

Mine really hated it. I went to her workplace called out AP, and proceeded to tear him a new asshole. His colleagues gathered around and threatened me. At that point my wife had arrived and was horrified. Her boss emerged, and was told that his trusted assistant was banging a warehouse guy. Then I informed them that I had called ICE. I knew that most everyone at her company was illegally imported. The road started to disperse when two vans appeared. They managed to arrest almost everyone who worked there. They arrested and charged her boss. She was fired on the spot. I made sure her AP was deported.

A few months later, her APs wife came to our country. I got in touch with her. I laid out her husband’s affair with my WW. Convinced her that we should get revenge. I originally did not want to sleep with her. Took her out on the weekend. Proposed a four day trip to Vegas, on me. Mix a fairly unsophisticated woman, with a dazzling trip to Vegas and a deluxe suite. She was sweet and delightful in bed. We sent a video of our room and us naked as jaybirds to her husband. I managed to say, “You take from me, and I pay you back in spades” He screamed and cried. Threatened to tell everyone in their town. She said that after what he did, she deserves luxury and a good lover. Then she hung up. Her phone went nuts for hours. My WW tried to text me saying she understood, but that AP is violent. I said that it is better he was deported and cannot come back.

ww3historian · 2026-03-15T21:24:36+00:00

No no no

Economist-Nervous · 2026-03-15T13:36:25+00:00

To what end? You did more than anyone should have. I get it. You're a romantic. She doesnt love you. She doesnt have to fuck this guy to cheat on you. She already has.

Just do right by you now. Future you. Your kids now and your future kids. This is what you do when you are treated this way. Dont stand for it. You deserve love. Especially from yourself.

Document. Document. Document. Treat her respectfully always but at arms length. Maybe she was the one...but right now and forever she is not and will not be the woman you married. Would you be okay if your kids married someone like that? What would you tell them to do if they did that to them? If you had the chance to say something to you - ten years ago, would it be make sure your wife doesnt go out on such and such date and just show her that you love her more than anyone else...or would it be get the fuck out? You shouldn't be in competition with the next guy for your wife's affection.

Whatever you decide I hope its the hard way and you find along the path the best version of you. That yo find happiness for once in a long time and I hope it lasts forever...because you are enough. You are everything the world needs you to be. You are everything your kids need you to be.

Retying3043 · 2026-03-14T18:23:38+00:00

Your feelings are valid.

And you need to stop it.

You react = YOU LOSE.

Let it go and move on.

Ruebens76 · 2026-03-15T12:51:11+00:00

Why give yourself more trouble and heart ache?

Legitimate-Corgi · 2026-03-15T11:31:29+00:00

Your problem is with her not him. Never understood people that want to take their anger out on the ap. Is he a pos too sure. But he’s not the one who made a commitment to you and is disrespecting it.

Haipul · 2026-03-15T11:29:43+00:00

If you are divorcing there is very little else you can do, but honestly your wife doesn't respect you, staying with her was a mistake, divorce her and move on.

Forward_Leave1382 · 2026-03-15T06:24:48+00:00

You're not wrong to be angry, but I wonder if the anger isn't misplaced a bit? It takes two to tango and a guy needs a willing partner. If she's willing to put herself in such circumstances, I think you have all the information you need.

I'd suggest you get a paternity test of your kiddos and eliminate that doubt and then as painful as it surely will be, I'd say the two of them deserve each other and the inevitable consequences of their decisions.

nutscrape · 2026-03-15T02:55:13+00:00

You're right to be angry. I was and still am. It's unfair. I know exactly who the primary affair partner was (there were many). I have never confronted him. Never spoken to him.

I channeled my anger and loss of control in the direction of planning the best exit I could for me and kids. SWOT analysis. I think this helped restore some sense of control of my life to me. I bet you're suffering under a similar issue. The rug got pulled from under you, and you're trying to restore a sense of control over your life and the manipulation you've suffered.

Confronting them isn't it.

If they were someone that have a shit, they wouldn't be cheaters. So the fact they cheated means that they don't give a shit. The only thing they're listening for in a confrontation is anything they can later use against you.

bizbunch · 2026-03-15T02:48:09+00:00

Don't do anything to hurt your chances of ha ing more time with your kids. Im sorry your wife is a shitty person and cheater. Mine was to so I understand 100% where you are coming from... it just wont matter - eventually you will understand and feel how disgusting she is... a pathetic person.

Its extremely hard but you are playing for after the divorce now...

Honestly my friends who's cheating wife were stuck i limmerence with their affair partnerade out better... like she didnt care about anyone and they did better in the divorce. I tried to.save my marriage and now she has nothing better to do than destroy me and take my kids away.

Get into therapy and a regular support group, dont talk to her except logistics with the kids. She will only confuse and hurt you. The WHY - She is a selfish POS.... dont dwell on it.

Im so sorry man

Frosty_Rants2 · 2026-03-15T02:45:56+00:00

You asked for advice; here it is. Leave. Expedite the divorce. Forget this guy; he is not the problem. Let me say it again for clarity; in NO way is this man the problem. Confronting him can only lead to misery and bad results for you dear sir. There is no scenario that this is helpful or improves your situation. Think about all of the ways it could go. It will go badly. If your son was in this position what advice would you give him?

Forgive your wife; this is really for you as it is not healthy to carry anger or animosity in your heart. It will destroy you from the inside. Embrace what you do have in this life. Be the best man, father and solid example to your children that you can be. They are watching and will remember how you carried yourself.

Praying for you sir. You are not to blame here. Forgive those that wrong you; this man, your wife. Ultimately we are all flawed in our own ways and just trying to make it through life. Be the best man that you can be; you've got this.

ramboton · 2026-03-15T02:38:05+00:00

Why are you mad at him, why confront him. Your wife is the one who made a commitment to you and thinks this is ok, she is the one who does not care about your feelings. She is the one to confront.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2026-03-15T00:22:26+00:00

My Sean was a husband of her friend. Guy used to come with his wife and kids at our house a lot. Confrontation turned spicy - convicted felon here now 🙋🏼‍♂️ It's useless, there was or will be Sean 2, 3, 17. Move on.

HotCut100 · 2026-03-14T22:32:17+00:00

I would suggest a different tactic. By being angry and wanting to contact the AP, you are not fulfilling the requirement of going gray rock. Forget about talking to him. And you really have no call to tell him to stay away since you are divorcing, and that process has started.

You need to reset your mind and understand that she is no longer your friend, your partner, or your responsibility. In fact, she hasn’t been probably for 10 years. The upside is she’s no longer your problem either.

I would suggest gathering up any documentation about the affair 10 years ago and anything you have now and hang onto it. Once everything is finalized and all the payouts happen and the courts have had their say, then you sit in your new situation and try to understand yourself and how you feel. If you still think some transparency is needed, skip the AP and instead create a truly anonymous email and deliver all of the information to AP‘s wife. At that point, just close the book on the whole situation and take care of yourself and focus on your kids.

I’m sorry this has happened to you, twice, but please take this lesson to heart. There is no coming back in a relationship from cheating. There simply isn’t. People rarely put in the work required to truly change, and that doesn’t address the lack of respect that they had for you before, and the increased lack of respect they have for you for accepting them back. It just tells them they can do it again if they are more careful about it.

Physical cheating is not worse than emotional cheating. Don’t jump in to another relationship and strongly consider never getting married again. That’s not bitterness talking, that’s cold hard stats. Second marriages do not work out the majority of the time. Third marriages work out even less. Save yourself trouble from the state and keep your relationships personal.

notconvinced780 · 2026-03-14T22:26:49+00:00

You’re confronting the wrong person. You had/have a relationship with your wife, not random Sean. Your wife cheated and is going to see him again. She is the problem, not Sean.

Worldly_Diver9265 · 2026-03-14T22:00:59+00:00

IF YOUR GIRL/WIFE HAS AN AFFAIR, JUST KNOW YOUR WIFE/GF STARTED IT

Men, let’s cut the nonsense.

If you ever discover that your wife is having an affair, don’t waste your time trying to nake it work. Your girl gave him the signal. Your girl opened the door. She made herself available.

When a woman sends signals, when she shows interest, when she whispers discontent — that’s when men fall into the trap.

Understand this clearly: most of the time, it’s the woman who initiates these affairs. She makes it obvious without saying it out loud. She knows exactly what she’s doing.

Signs she’s baiting another man? She’ll dress up skimpy when he’s around. She’ll laugh too loud at his weak jokes. She’ll sit with her legs wide open, making herself a walking invitation. She’ll complain about you to him, painting you as the villain so he feels like the hero. She’ll give him eye contact that lasts too long, touch his arm “innocently,” and make him feel chosen.

That’s how she pulls him in. That’s how she makes another man confident enough to make a move on her.

A cheating girl is not confused. She’s not “trapped.” She’s calculated. She’ll lie to you at home, then give her body to another man with no hesitation. And once she’s done it, she’ll do it again. Because a woman who can betray once has already killed her loyalty.

And you, as a man, need to stop negotiating with betrayal. Don’t beg her. Don’t investigate who made the first move. Don’t fight for a woman who has already chosen another man behind your back.

If she cheats, send her packing. End of story.

Because the truth is simple: if another man is sleeping with your girl, it’s because she invited him in. And the only thing more humiliating than being cheated on… is staying with the woman who did it.

FINAL WORD: A man who tolerates betrayal is no man at all. Don’t waste your strength chasing shadows. Don’t waste your fists on men who only answered her call. Put all accountability where it belongs — on her. Then, walk away with your pride intact.

Stay dangerous. Stay disciplined. Never accept betrayal. EVER!

Get rid of her NOW. The hurt will go away, trust me. You need to start healing. Join a gym, start a new hobby, play pickle ball, most of all...HEAL.

You need to get over this because your true love is out there waiting to meet you. That will never happen when you are sad, lonely, and depressed. The longer you take to heal, the longer you will keep her waiting! Dont do that to her.

Minimum_Step5048 · 2026-03-14T21:26:25+00:00

You said you’re divorcing, she’s probably seeing him now. She may have been seeing him before you split or longer, no way to know. But if you’re divorcing you have to move on regardless. She isn’t yours anymore
DO NOT confront this guy. Why? Nothing good will come from it bc like you said you’re divorcing anyway. You need to work to move on with your own life.
Again, you said you’re divorcing. It’s over, you have to move on

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-14T21:15:36+00:00

I feel for you. I’m in those same shoes as far as living together after declaring we would be divorcing. I actually just got confirmation of filing from her lawyer (a whole nother story).

I’ve been suspicious that she’s been seeing someone or someone’s for a month or so now. Strange hours and appointments, a four hour massage 1-1 with a house call male massage therapist at her very private office last week… putting her phone screen down and guilt switching screens when I enter rooms.

And Im Not Saying Shit

Why? Because if we’re divorcing I’d rather say good riddance anyway. I’ve been on the fence with her for a decade and if her cheating at the finish line is what it takes, so be it. Plus, I know she wouldn’t consider it to be cheating, or would consider it to be justified, or would use it as a point to escalate conflict and get me booted out of the house. None of those are worth fighting for turf that I’m willingly walking away from.

That guy already knows she’s married and he’s buying whatever it is she’s telling him. Let it be his problem down the road… trust me it will be.

Instead of risking any conflict, get whatever you can as evidence. She’s going to have a harder time getting alimony if you can prove that she stepped out for another man. Give her enough rope to hang herself. Let her get sloppy and let that creep see how much he likes her when she comes out of the divorce a wreck.

Mental_Antelope_7202 · 2026-03-14T19:57:00+00:00

If you are divorcing then I wouldn’t bother. You are only opening yourself up to more pain. Just go through with the divorce. Hit rock bottom… then rebuild yourself into the man she prevented you from becoming.

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2026-03-14T19:49:59+00:00

You should talk to a lawyer about doing a post nuptial agreement. That way from now on you protect more of your hard earned work.

Brief_Eye201 · 2026-03-14T19:18:23+00:00

I am sorry that you are going through this. I agree with all the comments on no contact with AP. High risk and no reward.

But, you mentioned that AP has children, so I assume he is married. Perhaps it might be appropriate to higher a PI to document their meeting to see if it ends in a hotel. You could then provide the results to the AP's wife. This is expensive. If it does end in hotel, it likely happened recently - and she is not being truthful.

If you have a lawyer, you might want to discuss this with him/her.

Bluetoes1 · 2026-03-14T19:11:26+00:00

Don’t bother. He’s not the problem. He’s not the person in a relationship with you. Let it go. It’s the only way you’ll find peace

Beginning-Town-7609 · 2026-03-14T18:37:51+00:00

I guess I’ll be the bad guy here…there’s no point in confronting this guy. It won’t change things and doing so will make you look like a loser. You’re getting divorced, and this is a sure sign she’s moved on and simply going back to familiar territory. Since you’re getting divorced, with respect to that then yes, you’re overreacting. What did you expect, really? Your soon to be ex and her AP deserve each other.

UrAristotle · 2026-03-14T18:13:42+00:00

You are divorcing.

Start practicing your gray rock now.

For context, he probably didn’t reach out to her. She probably reached out to him in some manner first for some sort of monkey branch security.

It doesn’t matter, though. What she does now is no more your concern than what she does after you divorce will be. It’s a tough adjustment, but it’s one you’ll have to make at some point. Practice doing so now.

jarnock · 2026-03-14T18:05:57+00:00

If you guys are already divorcing, you need to put your effort and thoughts into moving on. They are going to end up sleeping together, that’s a given. As hard as this is, you need to accept it. At least have something transactional, she does a prayer thing in June you got a trip in May.

Slick-Fork · 2026-03-14T18:04:52+00:00

1) You are not over reacting - I'm not a big believer in reconciling from dishonesty in general but in the cases where it does happen the dishonest party needs to go above and beyond to maintain perfect trust.

2) I would not. Pride and ego aside it's a lose lose situation. The very best is he gets scared off but you're still stuck with a woman who thinks this behaviour is ok. She'll just find another AP. Worst case is it escalates and you end up with an assault charge and potential prison time and then you've lost your kids as well.

3) This is the real issue - she is choosing this, she is enabling this. She has shown you who she is - believe her.

PhysicalExcuse351 · 2026-03-14T17:59:27+00:00

You feel like this because you feel like YOU LOST CONTROL. That's because you did and she also betrayed your trust. Now, focus your NEW life on your kids and getting some action elsewhere, there's plenrty of great girls out there where the sme thing has happened to them. This is a LIFE learning opportunity, believe me in 5 years you will look back on this and realize that it made you stronger. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's time to move on. This is literally one of those half empty or half full decision points.

Capable_Emphasis6498 · 2026-03-14T17:42:25+00:00

To be honest. She cheated. While he encouraged it she chose it. It’s less a him problem and more a her problem.

Goddofaza · 2026-03-14T17:33:43+00:00

Huge mistake staying after she cheated. On top of that, its the same affair partner from 10 years ago? Good lord. I dont think confrontation is going to give you what you're looking for. Hope you can find your answer.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2026-03-14T17:22:49+00:00

We are still living together but divorcing

Full stop on saying anything. You need to be DONE done with the divorce before you do anything here because all you'll be doing is tossing gas on the fire.

Any excuse your stbxw can use to screw you over, she will, and if you make problems for her she will take it out on you.

If anything, look at this as an OPPORTUNITY. She is DISTRACTED by this. Time to put the pedal down on your divorce and try and ask for as much as you can (custody/house/money/etc).

My ex dated during our process and she was starting to roll over/agree to things and then they broke up and she took it out on the process and me.

Get this crap done asap and then, once its all on file with the courts, THEN say something if you want.

WhydIJoinRedditAgain · 2026-03-14T17:06:29+00:00

What do you actually hope to accomplish?

You’re already getting a divorce. If somehow a confrontation is going to put you in a better negotiating position (i.e. if proof of cheating would allow you to file for cause or you live in one of the few places you can sue for alienation of affection), that should be the goal of the confrontation. Otherwise you’d likely be pitting yourself in a position to hurt any negotiating position you might already have.

If your goal is to feel better about yourself or to make this asshole feel bad about himself, it isn’t going to work. I mean, what if he beat your ass and then fucked your wife? That’s not going to help. What if you beat his ass and you get a charge? He knows he’s the type of person who will interfere in someone else’s marriage. He doesn’t give a shit. There is no satisfaction for you here.

Keep your goals in mind. Those are different for everyone, but “get the best possible deal out of the divorce, act in the best interest of the kids, and heal emotionally” are generally good goals and I don’t see how a confrontation forwards any of them.

DarDarRules · 2026-03-14T17:02:36+00:00

DO NOT CONFRONT. It’s beneath you.

First, do the inner work and understand where this anger, fear, sadness, etc comes from.

Second, understand if you need to set boundaries.

Third, practice what you will say to your wife to explain why you are uncomfortable and/or the boundaries you need to set. Practice for the worst case scenario. Practice being calm.

Fourth, talk to your wife. Be calm. BREATHE. When speaking, if you feel yourself ramping up or triggered, REMOVE YOURSELF. Say, “I’m getting activated. I need a breather. Give me 10 minutes, please.” You need to regulate.

Fifth, depending on how that convo goes, decide what you need to do next.

Don’t chase. Don’t interrogate. Don’t play detective. Don’t snoop. All of that is beneath you. Be strong. Be centered. Be confident.

Bottom Line: talk to your wife. LEAD the relationship and lean into being the leader during conflict. Every chance - conflict, jokes, etc - is an opportunity to connect deeply with your partner. This is not a negative, it is a positive. It is an opportunity to understand your needs, express them, and if they are met, GREAT. If not, good to know, and you have the confident grounding to move past it.

Nearby-Cut-5021 · 2026-03-14T16:58:44+00:00

Listen brother….. I know this feeling. I promise I do. My wife and I were together 20 years, married for 13. When I found about the guy, I wanted to go scorched earth. Part of me still would love to square off and dance with fists and see how it shakes out……

But what would that do? At the end of the day, she still made the choice, him over me. She chose to burn everything we built up over 20 years to the ground because of some feelings she caught for some rando. I could call him up, cuss him up and down the wall, meet up and beat each other to a pulp…. And it still wouldn’t erase the fact that she made that choice, nor would it change it.

It’s extremely hard to do, but the best thing to do is accept that she made that choice, and cut her off completely. Focus on the kids and being the best you can be for them, their safe space, in time they will see the choice their mother made (if they don’t see it already) and they will know their dad was not in the wrong. Just remember, if she truly loved you, she never would have entertained the idea of doing this, so that tells you everything you need to know. Time to start moving toward your new life and the best you can make it.

eastlibertypj · 2026-03-14T16:58:21+00:00

Hey- sorry she’s doing this; it sucks.

But no, you don’t need to go confront the guy. He’s not the problem. A person who was really your FAMILY by choosing you as a life partner:

Would never have had an affair in the first place.
Would understand that if that had happened and the two of you had reconciled, that the absolute MINIMUM approach to dealing with the affair partner going forward would be refusing to communicate with him or spend time with him for the health of her relationship with you.

Take back your power through a combination of grey rocking her and radical acceptance. She is telling you what she thinks of you by telling you it’s okay for her to go dine (or screw, let’s not kid ourselves) with her AP from 10 years ago.

Tell her you don’t care; she’s free to see him. Take the energy from your anger and channel it into doing something cool with your kids. Start working on a tree house with them. Spend a whole day building a massive fort in the living room. Build a great memory with your real family- your children.

MotorBoatingCFL · 2026-03-14T16:57:50+00:00

For perspective I've been EXACTLY where you are....wife cheated, I forgave, we rebuilt trust, had more kids, built an even bigger better life and 4 years later she cheated again. I'm divorced now. Once a cheater......always a cheater is undefeated.

You are not over reacting. This guy should have been a zero tolerance no-contact after you forgave here. If she can't respect that as a boundary she is already gone. Do not confront the guy, he's not the problem, your wife is.

Keep your cool. Get your thoughts straight. It's likely she has already hooked up with him again. What does that mean for you? Deal breaker?

Sorry this is what you're up against. The ball is in your court.

Reach out for anything brother. You got this. 👊

True_Appointment_346 · 2026-03-14T16:57:35+00:00

Take it from a man that was married for thirteen years cheated on. Almost destroyed myself and killed myself over it. Now I hit the gym , eat right and fuck random bitches. The best part I don't have to go home to a nagging bitch wife.I have peace and quiet. May seem hard to see it now But life will get much better once she is out of your life.

watermelonstrong · 2026-03-14T16:57:01+00:00

It's so hard to see and understand this while you're living inside of it, but he is not the problem, your wife is. He is no doubt a piece of shit who doesn't deserve any good words whatsoever. Complete total piece of shit.

But it's your wife that is causing harm to you and your family, including your kids.

Id advise get a lawyer and start the divorce process asap. Find a way for you or her to move out to parents house etc during the seperation. Those are the two most immediate logistics. Start the divorce proceedings and start living separately.

Lots of guys on here will say don't leave the house. That opens up a can of worms , down the line she may call police etc falsely as the tense living situation continues, so I never fully understood that argument. If you move out of won't affect finances at divorce settlement.

Good luck brother but listen closely to the advice here. Your marriage is 100% over and id suggest it was 10 years ago as well when she lost respect and love for you completely and had an affair, AND you took her back

But that's yesterday's news. Work towards your divorce.

Master_Western_7619 · 2026-03-14T16:56:55+00:00

[ Removed by Reddit ]

0neMinute · 2026-03-14T16:54:22+00:00

Your over reacting because she never stopped cheating and you stayed. She is gone and confronting him will do nothing,what could you do other then risk jail time?

Fast edit: go look up silver bullet divorce. She will use ap to make you angry while playing innocent, if you play into her hand you will lose your kids. Aim for 50/50 and keep the divorce moving while she is smitten with the dush

True_Appointment_346 · 2026-03-14T16:53:30+00:00

Nothing good will come from confronting this guy. Move on.Hit the gym, eat right,Find something new to fuck. Take it as a lesson to never truly trust anyone. Just as every animal with a mouth can bite every woman with a vagina can cheat.

One_Mathematician864 · 2026-03-14T18:08:38+00:00

Keep calm and divorce her.

Keep tabs on him find his wife, ask her our for just a meal, fuck her , then send him the video: EVEN!

serkovavantgarden · 2026-03-15T06:32:46+00:00

It might be Sean right now but another guy will pop on the scene…

And another….

And more after that.

Lawyer up mate. Kick this trash to the kerb

Title	Confronting wife’s AP (Need advice)
Author	Street-Hawk1431
Upvotes	16
Comments	112
Date	March 14, 2026 4:47 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1rto9r5/confronting_wifes_ap_need_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/confronting-wifes-ap-need-advice.1575495 https://theredarchive.com/post/1575495

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