2.5 Year together and he doesn’t know what she likes. How is that even possible?

PinkBlair99 · 2021-12-14T20:50:03+00:00

This is not a frivolous topic at all. It’s 🚩🚩🚩.

She is not overthinking.

If she doesn’t DTMFA, she’s in for years of frustration, disappintment, and loneliness, amid further neglect, emotional abuse, and gaslighting. 27 is young. She should cut her losses immediately and work on creating the life she wants for herself. Otherwise, she’s going to be miserable for years trying to beg this “man” to love her, until one day she wakes up at 37, unceremoniously dumped.

Ask me how I know.

bleda_princezna · 2021-12-14T20:57:16+00:00

Reminds me of my ex... She's not difficult to buy for, he just doesn't give a shit and can't be assed to even pick up something generic on his way from the grocery store. That's how much he doesn't care. I'm embarrassed for him.

If she was just difficult to buy for, he would have tried and given her at least something for her previous birthdays. Even if it were something unoriginal, like flowers and chocolates. SOMETHING. Or he would have straight up asked what she wants to make sure she's gonna like her gift. He didn't do any of that, he just ignored her birthday. That's not a sign of her being difficult to buy for, that's a sign of him being a selfish asshole.

subgirlygirl · 2021-12-14T21:11:53+00:00

The first birthday without a thoughtful gift would've been the only birthday spent together.🎈

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2021-12-14T21:28:48+00:00

He doesn't give a solitary crap about her. L/Z/NVM are notoriously shitty gift givers due to the low or complete lack of empathy and not being able to see people as actual human beings with their own interests and hobbies. They are also just as cheap as they are crappy. The gifts they buy are either secretly for theirselves (lingerie as a "gift", console, games), cheap (second hand clothing that she wouldn't wear in a million years), or just plain old thoughtless and low effort (cookware sets and other household items. Y'all, one of my birthdays I was given an unwrapped, single stainless steel cooking pot. Yes, he's an ex.).

By the end of month 6, he should know how you take your tea or coffee, brand and type of preferred menstrual products in case you're stranded, favourite clothing/makeup brands, your hobbies and interests, favorite music/art/author. No exceptions. If he is unable/unwilling to learn, next him.

wondertarget · 2021-12-14T22:00:52+00:00

Sounds like one of my exes. For Christmas he got me a bunch of stuff that neither fit me, nor had anything to do with my interests. His mom did the same.

His little brother (who was 16 at the time) got me a beautiful customized leather journal from England because he knew that I loved to write. He was such a lovely kid, and treated his girlfriend like a queen.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-12-14T21:21:33+00:00

This is what my ex said for me for YEARS while bragging about all the thoughtful gifts he got his ex. I'm very consistent with what I like, but I didn't realize he was gaslighting me and trying to make me feel horrible so he could get away with putting no thought into it. The first Christmas we were together he bought me exactly what his ex got the year before, even though it wasn't what I wanted. Then he gaslit me. This is an abuse tactic, I hope this lady sees it as such.

softestbean · 2021-12-14T20:54:24+00:00

It’s sad that she thinks she is overthinking this. It shows a lack if effort that has been going on for the last couple of years. Even if the rest of the relationship is ‘fine’ it’s not a reason to stay in it. I doubt it will improve as wel as she has already brought it up with him.

VaselineB · 2021-12-14T22:19:13+00:00

He didn't forget, he enjoys seeing her disappointed and unhappy.

Anyway, he's outlived his usefulness and serves no benefit, time for him to be cut off.

seawitchbitch · 2021-12-14T21:48:16+00:00

This bag of dicks can’t even ask her, “Is there anything you’d like for your birthday?” Just deflect and forget… okay.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-12-14T21:13:55+00:00

I know a lot of people and literally have only one person who is truly difficult to buy for. I know where she likes to shop, so I give her gift cards.

And sis is over here saying they’ve been together two and a half years and he doesn’t care enough to notice where she shops? And he’s so NV that he won’t even get her a Visa gift card? Come on.

DiosaCordilia · 2021-12-14T21:17:05+00:00

This is a red flag topic. Let's make that clear. Is he blind and deaf? Otherwise I would not know how someone can go around a person for 3 years and don't know what to buy for their birthday if they really care.

23eggz · 2021-12-14T22:38:43+00:00

I've been in her situation. My family and friends have said im easy to shop for, because like her, I have a lot of low cost interests. You could literally just throw a dart in an Artbox and buy whatever it hits and I would probably like it ... and yet that is somehow too much effort for men...

like oh jeez thanks for the world of Warcraft t-shirt (not joking - and I dont play video games)

Gambit12345 · 2021-12-14T23:58:48+00:00

This was me with my ex except we were together 5 years at the time. I got him gifts and a fun get together activity with his closest friends. What did I get? Nothing. He said he didn’t know what to get me and laughed about it. One of the reasons I dumped his ass

revengeofgivingtree · 2021-12-14T22:42:13+00:00

Sounds a lot like he's negging her

AnniaT · 2021-12-15T00:07:24+00:00

Curious to know if the redditors came to his defense, minimized her feelings and called her shallow or came up with the usual "CoMmUnIcATE, men are not mind readers!"

mashibeans · 2021-12-15T00:10:35+00:00

Translation: "I'm gonna make it your fault that I choose to not give a shit about you"

honestlyidkfr · 2021-12-14T22:45:53+00:00

Thinking about what another person wants is… the whole point… of gift giving…. the usefulness aspect is still there but the point of buying gifts is to show the other person how much thought you’re willing to put into them and how well you know them??? “You’re too hard to shop for” is just “I don’t care about you enough to literally even THINK”

Men aren’t even willing to THINK for the people they claim to love!!! To use their effin brains!!!

Novemberinthechair · 2021-12-15T02:22:54+00:00

For a short spell, I worked retail. During one holiday, a male shopper bought a watch for his wife. Before, he said, and I quote, "Well, I don't know if she has a watch or likes watches....so I guess I'll get her a watch."

They don't give a shit.

geologykitty · 2021-12-15T01:53:21+00:00

This is like the third topic in a row I've opened where I read that the woman essentially berates herself for "overreacting" or "caring about something frivolous" when in fact none of these things are frivolous. They are very real issues. I just want to scoop all these women up and tell them all: these issues MATTER! your feelings about them matter! If he wanted to, HE WOULD!

My goodness, if my partner wanted to get me a gift right now, I'm sure he has a list of at least ten different things to choose from RIGHT NOW because he knows me and cares about what I like and makes note of it. Because he wants to... so he does. It's literally so easy, and these scrotes make it seem like the world's most difficult task.

scorchedsouI · 2021-12-15T06:24:51+00:00

Why can't women just accept it when their boyfriends all but publicly declare they don't fucking like them? There's lots of incentive for a man to be with a woman even if he hates her. Just come to terms with it and move on. You're difficult to buy for because he doesn't like you. It's extremely hard to buy thoughtful gifts for people you don't give a shit about.

albahe12 · 2021-12-14T22:23:58+00:00

You're not too difficult, he just doesn't care. I had been with my ex about a year when my birthday came up (and we had been 'friends' for 3 years prior) and he had the same speech as that dude.

On the day of my birthday, we were at his parents house and when I opened my gift, I was actually surprised that he had gotten me something that was spot on in my interests...until I learned that HIS MOM is actually the only who chose it, he had just paid for it.

His mom who I had only met a HANDFUL of times but she knew me BETTER than my bf because SHE PAID ATTENTION. and she had also baked me a cake FROM SCRATCH customized to my dietary preferences (which is something he always forgot/dismissed as well). Looking back I should have dated her lol not her useless scrote son.

Dstar538888 · 2021-12-14T23:48:40+00:00

you've been dating for almost 3 years, and yet he refuses to even buy you so much as a card...

asupernova91 · 2021-12-15T04:18:42+00:00

“You’re too difficult to buy for” translates to “I don’t want to buy you anything so I’m gonna attempt to make you feel bad for making me do it so that I won’t have to”

ConstantNurse · 2021-12-15T08:37:49+00:00

"You are too hard to buy for" = I am too lazy to get to know you better to think of anything independently and I don't listen when you talk about your interests.

My NVEx was like this. He never tried to get me things that I would like, only things that he wanted me to have. One year, he bought tons of revealing clothes for Christmas because he wanted to be able to parade me around. I did not like the clothes because they were showing far more skin than I was used to and wasn't confident in my body.

I used to read quite a bit but stopped when I was with him because he actively tried to discourage me/stop from reading. (He always had to have my attention on him, regardless of if he was interacting with me or not and would pester me until I stopped.) Even when he was thoroughly engrossed in say, playing a video game, he would get upset if I started reading while he did that.

Birthdays were always books, video games (that he wanted me to play not that I wanted to play them), and mugs. One of the last years we were together, I asked him not to get me any of these things because I had a backlog of books (I didn't know at the time he had been ripping pages out of them to hurt me), a bunch of video games that I did not really want to play (although, I told him that I did not want other distractions as I was in school at the time and didn't want to lose focus), and no room for new mugs.

I gave him a list of other things I did want, new shoes for work, a new purse as mine was falling apart, a moderately priced rice cooker and steamer, and maybe to do a thrift store shopping spree with a set budget. Neither of us were well off, so I kept the budget small for him because he was pretty miserly.

And what happened? I got 8 used books from a series I had no interest in reading (And that he willingly overpaid for because he bought them off of ebay for 4-5 bucks a piece for paperbacks. I found the same books for .50-$1 at the used book store in our town), 7 used video games I had no interest in playing, and a set of six mugs that I had no where to store. To say the least, I was severely disappointed. I asked him why he got me a bunch of things that I told him explicitly that I didn't want and he blew a gasket, calling me a "Selfish, ungrateful bitch." because he spent a ton of money on these presents. He also said he put a ton of thought into making sure he got me something I would enjoy. He made me feel like absolute garbage and made me out to be this horrid person when I had told him "No, don't get me these things please." I ended up spending the rest of my birthday by myself and fled to a library so I could cry in a far corner of a building.

Then he went around and told everyone how selfish I was because HE worked SO hard to find me presents he knew I would like. I would add that I didn't want these gifts and had specifically told him that I didn't want him to buy me any items in those categories well before my birthday. Many of his friends teased me about being spoiled and that I should be grateful for what he got me and the effort he put in. "It's the thought that counts", They would say and look at me with such disappointment. The only person who was on my side was his little sister, who thought it was pretty screwed up to get someone only things they didn't want.

It took several years and a therapist for me to finally pinpoint why that birthday bothered me so much and still does to this day. My therapist said that his actions were essentially a gaslight trap. I set a boundary, he crossed the boundary claiming "He had good intentions", played the victim when I stuck to said boundary and tried to hold the line, and ran to others to get them gang up on me to make me the bad guy because of his spun story. It was also a power play, as he wanted to exhibit the fact that even though I was in the right to feel slighted, that everyone would side with his side of the story and not believe mine or downplay my explanation. It would make me seem unreasonable/high maintenance.

The mindfuckery, I swear.

donttextme_k · 2021-12-14T22:07:18+00:00

Regardless if he “doesn’t know”, ever heard of Google or asking someone…bunch of excuses.

yairina · 2021-12-15T08:11:58+00:00

One Christmas my ex told me he got me these Nikes styled after the Balenciaga shock shoes that were popular a few years back, but ordered it to his friends house so I wouldn't see, but they got "stolen". I didn't buy it 🤡but let it pass because that friend did live in a bad area. Nevermind the fact that at at point we were together for 3 years, those shoes are not my style, I'm not a sneaker head to begin with....and even if my present DID get stolen, its just too bad and he didn't try to replace it so I'm not the only one giving gifts?

Then my birthday comes around. We're living in a different state now. No present, but he bought me shoes that he ordered to a friends house that got stolen. Again, conveniently he chooses the friend that lives in the highest crime neighborhood to get his "package" delivered? Mmkay.

The kicker? He didn't even remember using that excuse on me just 6 months before.

blackmetalbetty · 2021-12-15T04:58:48+00:00

People like this are exactly why I feel Hanlon's razor is a crock of shit lol. He's doing this purposely, doesn't want to spend any money or thought on her. I mean 2.5 years, ffs. Pretty sure you've seen a bottle of BR540 or By the Fireplace that's on its last drop on her vanity (apart of the frag collection she's procured by hobby). If you know she likes art, get her some supplies or a print of her fave piece. You know she eats the little Lindt Lindor truffles instead of Hershey's, get her some. Not that hard to notice patterns/preferences people have and get them something accordingly. The fact that this poor lady is second guessing herself.

NotSoBunny · 2021-12-15T05:57:26+00:00

I love how self aware she is that she can recognize the game he is playing. She is trying to second guess herself but she hit the nail on the head.

And as we all should know, If they wanted to, they would. No excuses.

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-12-15T15:42:07+00:00

I have trouble buying gifts for people. Here’s what I do:

I make lists through the year for each person in my close family/friends. I make a note every time they are really excited about something I could buy them, even if it’s small (I have done baskets of small gifts before, usually is very well-received). That way, when I need to buy them something, I have ideas I can start from.
I ask them. Most people are not at all offended at being asked what they want for a gift—some even prefer it. My sister and I used to do “categories,” as in “you pick a category of present, like books, makeup, or household items, and I’ll pick a gift for you in that category.” It’s a nice comprise, since the exact gift is still a surprise.

If my disorganized, ADD ass can figure this out, men can make the effort too. There’s no excuse.

fingerlimepie · 2021-12-15T02:43:30+00:00

I feel like I'm a pretty good gift giver and I find it hard to think of what to get my dad because whatever he wants he just buys himself at a higher price point than I can afford. My mum and brothers also find it really difficult.

Since I moved out I figured the most important thing is memories and time together so now I buy experiences. We've done whisky tasting, gin distillery tours, interesting restaurants and guided bushwalks. He absolutely loves it and tells everyone about them, they've made him happier than any random physical gift I ever gave.

My point is that even if she WAS hard to buy for, there's no excuse.

fireforestfairy · 2021-12-15T10:47:24+00:00

This guy is using this as an excuse. Even if he really doesn't know what types of presents OP will like, he can usually give her some gift vouchers as gifts. But nope, he didn't give her anything.

SupremeDearLeader · 2021-12-15T15:02:14+00:00

Threw my ex out 2 weeks ago [ the thought of having to spend any more holidays w him made me want to vomit] and one of the big reasons was his zero effort for any gift giving no matter what the occasion. It's a HUGE tell that he lacks basic human empathy and doesn't give a damn about you. I wish I had FDS sooner !!!

europoor24 · 2021-12-15T09:51:50+00:00

He doesn’t even send her money.. this isn’t low effort it’s no effort.

Miss_Insher · 2021-12-16T02:17:03+00:00

Being “low maintenance” is what lots of women (including some of the ones I personally know) think makes them “stand out” and they would argue that it’s why they are in LTRs. Cause they are “easy to be with” - as if this is something to be proud of. Some of them like to reiterate that to tell me I need to “lower my standards” and be more “approachable.” Well, if wanting my SO to know me well enough to get me a thoughtful birthday present is being “high maintenance” - I’m glad I am.

Title	2.5 Year together and he doesn’t know what she likes. How is that even possible?
Author	softestbean
Upvotes	633
Comments	57
Date	December 14, 2021 8:40 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rggqyi/25_year_together_and_he_doesnt_know_what_she/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/25-year-together-and-he-doesnt-know-what-she-likes.1092443 https://theredarchive.com/post/1092443

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