Actions don't lie, how does he react in these situations?

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-08-23T19:52:53+00:00

What are lesser and more common situations in which you can evaluate whether he will protect you or abandon you?

Does he have your back if hurt in a car accident, even a mild one. (I've had long-term back issues from an accident when I was a team. When I was involved in a car accident and got hurt again, my boyfriend screamed at me to shut up.)

If you get sick does he take you to the emergency room or urgent care and stand up to a doctor for you to make sure you get the care you need?

Does he actively put himself between you and any weirdos on the street?

Does he watch situations and see potential violence coming and actively work to make sure you are safe?

Does he help other people in situations? Broken down car, a disabled senior having difficulty opening a door, a woman who drops her groceries in the parking lot?

r4nd0m-u53r · 2021-08-23T21:23:09+00:00

What are his views on housework. Division of labour? Does he jump to help you clean up after meals? Even if just takeout he can clear the table. Does he keep his own place tidy?

My previous husband, "It was your party, why would I help?"

My current bf I had a BBQ with friends and he offered to do the BBQing and the next morning I woke up and he did my dishes.

What is his parents relationship dynamic like and how does he feel about it? What is his relationship with his mother?

Edit: spelling

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-08-23T19:21:34+00:00

This post is spot on. As someone with a LVM brother, all of this are huge red flags to look for.

I want to add to your service industry one, to also look for obnoxiously fake positivity, like a customer service mask they wear, and how their tone changes when the interaction is over or if it goes negatively. You can literally see the mask fall if something goes wrong, like a messed up food order.

ExistentialJelly · 2021-08-23T19:45:51+00:00

Okay, so I want to contrast a NVM ex of mine and my HVM husband for #2.

Ex would not let me sleep in the bed during my period because blood= disease and he didn't want to catch anything. He was 6 years older than I was (I was 18) but boy was he not wiser.

Husband. When we were dating he would take my heating pad and reheat it for me as soon as it got cold so I would have it to ease my cramps. In the middle of the night when it got cold and I didn't want to go to the kitchen, he legit heated it up and brought the entire microwave to be put on my nightstand so I could have it warmed up all night and not have to get up.

Also, when I had a bad bleed through and got him covered, he just laughed at the crime scene, ran the shower for us and continued on his day. He handed me my iron supplement and helped me change the bed. He never made me feel gross about my body or its functions.

modernmedusaa · 2021-08-23T20:41:12+00:00

If he starts leering at waitresses especially repeatedly - just walk out. You won’t regret it.

He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s waiting for you to notice so can call you paranoid and smirk.

Just think about how a man would act if you started eyeing up every male waiter. It’s deliberate, inappropriate and disrespectful.

You don’t do that shit if you really care about this persons opinion of you and want to take it somewhere serious.

It’s triangulation to make you feel self-conscious and anxious. And they deliberately do it in a manner that would make you question yourself ‘did he just do that or am I!’....stage one of grooming target and making them doubt their instincts complete. This is really how it starts - with the subtle stuff first. Then it escalates.

Save yourself months of cheating, gaslighting and abuse. That’s all that’s coming with this type.

Especially when these waitresses are just you know ordinary women not jaw dropping models that are turning everyone’s heads...just your dates (why is that hm) - he is sooooo scouting for their attention on purpose. He’s wanting you to see him do it.

It’s either that or he’s shagged most of the waitresses but it’s most likely the first one.

Walk away red flag serial cheat alert

shadowlillium · 2021-08-23T21:57:39+00:00

There is a new trend that ladies are doing where you can gauge the No response by not accepting the first location for a date but offering a different but equal location or event. Reason for doing this is cause it goes against the PUA guide and the dudes will react very poorly cause you are suppose to accept the first location and to appear “submissive”

AbbyDean1985 · 2021-08-23T20:11:25+00:00

This is so good. This is the vetting I used with my husband. The sickness one came up fast for us. I got sick when we were just starting to date and he came over, made me gourmet mac and cheese and took care of my pets for me so I could rest. I let him move in eventually, (I know now that's not recommended, but this was pre FDS for me).

fingernmuzzle · 2021-08-23T19:39:05+00:00

Car character: How does he drive in heavy traffic or when running late? Does he let other cars merge in? Does he tailgate? Cut people off? Use turn signal?

swaylyn · 2021-08-23T22:36:38+00:00

I’d also like to add to service workers: if he ACTIVELY wastes their time, my ex used to chat up any woman (no matter the age, esp if she was on the older side) and try to CHARM her.

In the beginning I thought oh he’s being nice and has respect for them cool. But the more encounters I witnessed the more I realized no…he’s getting an ego boost by deluding himself that they ENJOY spending time with him as they wait for him to give his order or ask for what he needs.

(Idk if it’s a bonafide red flag but personally I believe it to be, I hate being held hostage when I could be living my life or DOING MY JOB)

queenagave · 2021-08-23T21:19:07+00:00

This is one I recently experienced and was pleasantly surprised. He wouldn't let me walk on the side of the sidewalk that was closest to the street. Stayed consistent with this throughout the whole night.

HereForTheFreeFoodOk · 2021-08-23T23:00:54+00:00

This is a great tweet about an HVM who helped his wife post partum - when she was suffering anxiety and depression.

THIS is why is is SO IMPORTANT to have children with the right type of men

https://twitter.com/ameetafff/status/1423371238408429568

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-08-24T01:44:00+00:00

I think your danger situation should be changed to more practical things. Like does he make sure he locks the door when he leaves you? Does he drive safely? If you go hiking does he stay behind and steady you? Or pull you up?

bombas- · 2021-08-24T03:10:43+00:00

I love this list!

The one I’d add, that’s most important to me:

The way he handles sticking to his principles when it’s inconvenient for him or requires personal sacrifice.

jkklfdasfhj · 2021-08-24T02:55:45+00:00

The way he handles a disagreement/difference of opinion. This can range from professional opinions or simple day to day things.

This is a big one for intellectually expressive women.

Some LVM responses/reactions: Try to be right/the smart one. Argue to the death with you, mansplain things to you etc

Run away at the first sign of disagreement out of fear

Yes man. Pretends to agree with everything so he can get to what he really came for.

React without thought. Jump straight into aggressive mode.

HVM responses: Takes time to listen, carefully consider your thoughts and ask questions before deciding how to respond. Thoughtfully make a case for what they think/believe even if they don't agree. Stands firm on their deal-breakers rooted in good values and chooses their battles wisely.

Papaverinum · 2021-08-24T06:31:13+00:00

How does he react when you ask him for help? Be it trivial or serious issue; a HVM would help you without a word, even more - he'll be happy to help his woman.

miwamus · 2021-08-23T21:11:19+00:00

I should hang this on my refrigerator.

shockingupdate · 2021-08-23T23:59:25+00:00

How does he treat his mother? Does he talk to her often? Is he often angry or irritated with her for no easily discernible reason?

Of everything he's watched lately, what does he think of the female characters? If he has any favorites, is it because of their character or because they're his "type?"

When going out to eat, is he generous with tipping? Or does he nickle and dime, finding every possible inkling of flawed customer service to save himself some money?

Does he anticipate your needs? Will he offer to pick up dinner on his way to your place, generally understand your menstrual cycle, celebrate holidays you love and avoid the ones that are traumatic for you? Or are most interactions based on, or expecting, your anticipation of his needs?

When you're newly dating and are troubled/worried about something, does he offer to help in a tangible way beyond "lmk what I can do?" Does he invite you to vent, attempt to distract or entertain you? Does he mock you or change the topic immediately back to his day and life?

shugs87 · 2021-08-23T21:34:54+00:00

This is a save worthy post. Good work OP!

imarriedmybookshelf · 2021-08-24T07:02:59+00:00

Another for me is interests lets say favorite male artists that are popular with women (e.g. BTS or any boyband). Would he be happy seeing you happily listening to them and appreciate them for making you happy even if he isn't a fan or would he say "BTS is gay/ugly/a fad" and/or compare it with his brand of music that he deems is "authentic music" unlike their "fake ass pop music."

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-08-23T21:56:02+00:00

[permanently deleted]

aoi4eg · 2021-08-24T08:23:57+00:00

I have a funny story about #3 and 4 combined. Travelled with my ex once, and we decided to use public transport. A bus fee in that country was extremely small, like 1/5 of a dollar. I always pay fees tbh, never occurs to me to have a free ride. My ex said that it's stupid and since the fee is so small, no need to pay. While we argued, the conductor came. So my ex literally turned away and pretended to be deaf and mute while I dealt with paying a fine FOR BOTH of us.

Later that day some drunk guy tried to hit on me, yet again, while I told the guy to eff off, ex-bf pretended that the pavement looked extremely interesting. Oh, and obviously later got blamed for it, because I somehow "provoked" that guy so he tried to grab me. Nice.

(No, I didn't expect him to fight this guy, but also who just silently stares down in a situation like this?)

redwineandsolitude · 2021-08-23T21:52:41+00:00

Saving this. The question “Do you have any female role models?” will be a standard first date question from now on!

Imaginary-Newt-493 · 2021-08-23T23:21:53+00:00

My LVM ex-boyfriend balked at picking me up from the emergency room. I had an infection that required them to cut through my nail with a mini bandsaw using a local anesthesia. I called him at 11:30 at night to pick me up for the 15 minute round trip from his house, to the hospital, to my house, and he complained that he had to work early the next morning. I said, "it's fine, it's all left turns from the ER. I'm sure I can do it with one hand, especially if I decline any additional pain meds." He was like, "oh great. Good night." Dumped that motherfucker immediately and I enjoyed telling the story to all of our mutual friends. He needed to be outed, so other women could be made aware! There were other red flags that my youthful self ignored, but this one was crazy!

VanessaViews · 2021-08-24T04:40:36+00:00

My fiance sets up the "sick couch" with extra pillows and blankets where I can whine and be brought tea. There's something extra comforting about it vs the bed.

Shru4 · 2021-08-24T10:06:58+00:00

The last one, yes!!!! Only yesterday I saw a bunch of men go 'some crazy feminist must be making up a story to make men look bad' under news of a rape case. First, no one needs to make men look bad. They do it pretty well themselves. Second, idk how these lot see feminism as anything that has detrimental effects on society.😭

Vaahla · 2021-08-23T22:04:53+00:00

How does he act when he is sick or injured?

Can he take care of himself? Is he grateful? Does he lash out? Will he do anything to make himself feel better besides whine and complain?

AndromedaTambourine · 2021-08-23T22:17:32+00:00

These are all really good! I would add how they treat animals too. If they have a pet that seems neglected, abused, or simply unloved, that is a huge red flag.

Erocitnam · 2021-08-24T19:37:14+00:00

The way he responds when you tell him what to do! You will need to be able to ask your partner to do household chores, "can you do the dishes?" etc., and a lot of men bristle at being told what to do by a woman. Watch for that!

Sometimes men can have an automatic misogynistic response (such as resenting being asked to do a task). How does he respond when you point it out? I think a HV trait is for them to go, "you're right, I was acting on subconscious sexism, I'm sorry. I'll fix it. That's not who I want to be."

I personally don't think there are men without subconscious sexist conditioning, so it matters a lot to me that my partner is able to recognize it and reject it.

PlantB_tch · 2021-08-23T22:49:42+00:00

This is really great advice, thank you for posting!

Several of these points would have saved me from my last relationship with a “well-meaning” LVM nice guy.

I saw the red flags early on, but chose to “work through them” because he seemed willing to learn and improve.

Mistakes were made on my part, as I continued to pour energy and emotion into improving this man (who was a handful of years older than myself, might I add).

The relationship completely zapped all of my energy and zest for life, as I was constantly trying to maintain boundaries without hurting that dude’s feelings.

NOT WORTH IT, sis. If he wanted to be woke, he would. You do not need to teach men how to be decent human beings, and you will drive yourself insane if you try.

Instead, love yourself. You deserve to be loved and taken care of, and you can do both of those things for yourself.

Lamiek · 2021-08-24T13:01:56+00:00

This is gold.

HerMajestyTheQueeen · 2021-08-23T23:53:11+00:00

Wish I’d had FDS around 25 years ago! ExH’s go to action was to opt out of everything - someone is ill? Children need parenting? Tricky situation needs dealing with? He’d be somewhere hiding from it.

NechelleBix1 · 2021-08-24T05:09:22+00:00

I married my LVM ex-husband when I was very naive and foolishly believed he would stop his road rage “once we were married!” Fast forward to five years in and when a limo driver cut him off my ex STOPPED on the exit in full traffic, narrowly avoided an accident, GOT OUT on the highway and went to the stopped limo driver to pull him out to fight! I was terrified but I got out on the exit to beg my LVM ex to get back in the car!! Took me years more to leave but I did. I’m happy and successful now but how I wish I had FDS in the late 90’s!!! I showed this site to my 18 year old daughter so she can start out right. Thank you all for a serious reality check. Don’t waste the years I wasted on a psycho LVM!

Title	Actions don't lie, how does he react in these situations?
Author	Zayelle
Upvotes	625
Comments	99
Date	August 23, 2021 6:56 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pa6brf/actions_dont_lie_how_does_he_react_in_these/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/actions-dont-lie-how-does-he-react-in-these.1060301 https://theredarchive.com/post/1060301

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