I need support, I think I need to break up with him

VintagePallor · 2022-03-29T21:42:10+00:00

As soon as you hear yourself saying "maybe I'll never do any better" you need to RUN because you are not making decisions with your head OR your heart, only your fear. You know what you need to do. You have our support. Please do it, or leave us out of the rest. The only answer is you'll get from us is to do what you already know you need to do.

ThePatriarchyIsTrash · 2022-03-29T21:03:10+00:00

I looked at your post history and....girl....you need a therapist. Not a boyfriend. You're having meltdowns over every phase of your relationship and he clearly doesn't make you happy. Why are you doing this to yourself? I say this as a person who has been in therapy for a decade and has had to work hard to overcome some severe anxiety issues. You are not emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship. Period.

Please leave, find a therapist you click with, and stay single for a while

SayNad · 2022-03-29T23:09:37+00:00

Read what you wrote. And reread it again and again and again. And ask yourself if this is what you want your life to be for the next 10, 20, 50 years.

what if I never meet anyone better etc.

But what if you will meet someone better? Or realize that living without him makes you soo much happier and healthier?

Why does the future always have to be bad and hopeless?

One thing for sure, staying with him means you will continue to be like this until you snap out of it, or you passed away first.

We ain't gonna live forever sis, is this really what you want your life to be?

KindOfOldNewGirl · 2022-03-29T20:45:33+00:00

If you want permission to dump him, dump him. If you're thinking about it, it means you should do it.

oscine23 · 2022-03-29T21:47:31+00:00

So many things wrong here. You’ve been dating seven months and you’ve exchanged keys. You’re bringing him AND HIS FRIEND lunch like a Stepford wife. Babysitting his dog? Talking marriage. Apologizing for expecting basic communication and chivalry. Have you read the handbook? Read it again.

Again, it’s only been seven months. There shouldn’t be this many problems so soon. Of course break up with him. But it appears he’s broken up with you — or he is fkn with your head so that when he pops back up you’ll be amenable to whatever he says bc you’re so relieved to hear from him. You know you’ll never have his respect apologizing and running around playing wifey and settling for low effort dates, right?

This relationship is done. Bc he’s a POS, it sounds like, and bc you did not establish your queen energy from the get-go and now he knows he can take you for granted. It seems like you have good instincts, but your follow-through is weak because you allow your feelings to overrule common sense, and your dignity. You need to learn to trust your gut and stop equivocating with yourself and shifting your boundaries because you feel butterflies. GUARD YOUR HEART.

You have to raise the bar, for yourself, and for the men that you date. Get to the level where you would rather suffer a broken heart than be disrespected or taken for granted.

I know it’s hard, but you need to cut him off. Don’t wait for an explanation, and don’t give him one. Certainly don’t apologize! (You need new friends!). Don’t ask him to come and get his shit, and don’t bother getting yours if you don’t really need it. Just go silent and block him and delete him. Because once he realizes you’ve stopped chasing, and he wants to get laid, he’s going to start calling you again, and you’re gonna be weak.

Be strong. You can do it. ❤️

Lost_Kale90 · 2022-03-29T19:55:19+00:00

You need to focus on taking care of yourself. How you feel and what you need come first. Every single day. Therapy, friends, community, hobbies that interest you, support groups, journaling, creative outlets, etc.

I know it might be hard, but you’ll have to figure out how to meet your needs without him. Minimize contact as much as you can. He is causing you more pain, more trauma, than actual benefit.

StainedGlassCat · 2022-03-29T21:18:02+00:00

Sunken cost fallacy. You believe you've invested in this man, and because of that, you don't want to throw the whole relationship away. However, men are not assets, and your investment of time into a man is not an indication of the quality of the relationship. This man does not love you.

Read that again. This man does not love you. You know it. You've posted here because you know it. Don't fool yourself into thinking there's something you can do, or should have done, to change this. You deserve a man who does not put you in distress, throw emotional tantrums by cold shouldering you, and who makes you "have a breakdown." A HVM would not do this, period, even during a breakup.

Dump him, re-read the handbook and remind yourself of all the red flags, and move on with stronger boundaries. Breakups suck, even when you're dumping a LVM, but you know what sucks worse? Crying at work, having a breakdown, suffering anxiety due to a LVM who does not love you and does not deserve your time and energy. With all due respect, correct your crown and boss the F up. You've got this. Better things await.

savedempath · 2022-03-29T22:52:22+00:00

Consider his silence an act of God. Go to his place when he isn't home grab your items and leave his there. Change your locks and go no contact. Sometimes we get signs in weirdest places. You've been given an exit! Leave, Run and don't look back, you'll turn into salt lol.

millennialpink2000 · 2022-03-29T20:07:46+00:00

You're crying at your job because of this guy. He's impacting your money, reputation and sanity. Drop him like a hot potato

He's showing you how little regard he has for you, believe him. Don't apologize to him, you haven't done anything wrong.

Unless his mouth is wired shut, he is fully able to communicate his feelings to you instead of the silent treatment which is abusive.

NEXT!

HahaBetterOffNow · 2022-03-29T20:47:01+00:00

This guy is breadcrumbing you.

Please read The Handbook.

Not_2day_Baby · 2022-03-29T20:43:46+00:00

I think you should listen to your gut feeling like the title of this post. We all know how hard it is to break up and to let someone go. “Just dump this loser” is easy for us to say, but you care for this guy.

But let me tell you…. He is not the best. Not for you, if he was, you wouldn’t feel this way. You would feel happy and content with the relationship. And ask yourself this… what if you never would meet anyone better? Would he be good enough? Doesn’t sound like it to be honest. It’s only 7 months… if you already feel this way it’s not going to get better.

Choose yourself, focus on you and let this guy go. Your future you will thank you for it. Good luck! You deserve better!

TruckingFreeDogMom79 · 2022-03-29T22:33:01+00:00

If you accept this 7 months in, imagine what he will have you accepting in 7 years 😱...

FancyCocktailOlive · 2022-03-29T23:05:00+00:00

The man was future faking you when he said he wanted to marry you, he was probably future faking you when he said he wanted kids and now he’s using you to cook him meals.

I noticed the only times he made an effort to talk to you is when he wanted sandwiches for him and his buddy, and when he wanted you to cook dinner.

He wants to keep you on the hook so he can get meals and sex but he doesn’t see you as a true girlfriend or a potential spouse.

Also, even though you were right to say no to the low-effort dinner out, I can see why he’d be confused that you’d cancel it for seemingly no logical reason—no logical reason in his mind because he doesn’t know about FDS or believe he has to make an effort with—and I’m sorry but I don’t think he’s figured out that you cancelled the night out because he didn’t make any effort to plan anything.

Whatever you do, DO NOT apologize to him. You haven’t done anything wrong, he’s blowing you off, he’s being uncommunicative, he is only contacting you when he wants you to do something for him like bring him lunch, and again he only suggests a date because he believes you’ll be cooking.

I’m sorry, hun, but go to his house when he’s busy with renos and get your stuff, tell him you’re bringing one particular thing home because you know he’s super busy with his renovations and whatever else, and that you know won’t be seeing much of him until his home is renovated.

Instead, take all your stuff, leave his behind then cut your losses and block and delete.

Telling you he doesn’t want kids also could be his way of trying to get you to break up with him. LVM are notorious for not being straightforward.

Plus he said he straight up didn’t want to see you for no logical reason. He’s not that into you.

It also doesn’t matter that you were emotional. It was perfectly reasonable for you to be emotional about the topic of kids.

You haven’t done anything wrong except you’ve fallen into the Pick-Me dance.

I think it’s also too early to have keys to each other’s homes. Don’t even ask for yours back, just change the locks.

Chances are he’s not going to notice you’ve blocked and deleted him until he sees his stuff returned or he realizes he hasn’t heard from you for a few days.

If he does try to “fight for you”, he won’t mean it, he’ll only be doing it so he won’t be alone.

If a man really loves you, he’ll almost never be too busy for you, and if he is, he’ll never be too busy to get back in touch with you in a timely fashion.

I’m sorry. Read the handbook and keep trying. It isn’t easy.

aghostinyourworld · 2022-03-29T23:25:54+00:00

Girl..

electroloop · 2022-03-29T20:02:30+00:00

You've wrote about this specific man quite frequently in the past. And quite frequently, he's been exhibiting low value behaviour.

I'm not sure why you come to FDS to ask for advice, and then not take the advice people kindly provide you to heart?

7 months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. You and him are wildly incompatible. You sound smart and career oriented, so you should know to dump his ass.

lolmemberberries · 2022-03-29T21:50:05+00:00

You already know what to do.

SessionLeather · 2022-03-29T20:47:22+00:00

I would dump him. But use your key and get your stuff first. Then leave the key in the mailbox and block him. You may be sad but you will feel HIGH off the exhilaration of putting yourself first! You shouldn’t lose any of your hard earned belongings over this inconsiderate and selfish man.

pinkjanuary8 · 2022-03-29T22:06:58+00:00

Your dream man isn’t going to suggest dinner and then ask you to cook it. I’m so sorry you’re in a painful spot right now, it’s the worst when you know there is a lot wrong and you feel neglected but he won’t end it outright and you’re attached so you’re stuck making this decision.

He’s being extremely lazy with you and knows it, there’s no improving from here. Being single is better than how you feel right now, only saying that because I know myself. 💕

You’re not being difficult. He’s passively letting you know he’s not the one for you

birdonthestreet · 2022-03-29T23:54:19+00:00

He is psychologically manipulating you to become dependent upon him. You’re playing right into his motive by questioning “if I’ll ever find anyone better”. Your bar is too low. He’s treating you like a dog by giving you small bits of communication and then taking it away the second you don’t “please him enough”. You are hurting because of this, not because he’s a good man. You are hurting because of the manipulation. I promise you, if you left him- it would hurt bad for about a week but then you’d feel so much pressure lifting off of your shoulders. Do you really want to have children with a man that does bare minimum 7 months into a relationship? He should still be wooing you at this stage. Imagine what sort of father he would make. Don’t do that to your future children or yourself.

There are way better men out there than this guy, and let’s say there’s not- I can assure you, being alone would feel much better than what you are feeling now. You need to find your self worth and leave this loser behind.

snacksntats · 2022-03-29T21:47:19+00:00

With love and care: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING GIRL! He is treating you terribly, then getting stroppy with you because you won’t cook for him after you’ve hardly seen or spoken to him for a while, he’s stone walling you to make you do what he wants AND YOU ARE JUST HANGING AROUND WAITING FOR HIM TO THROW YOU A CRUMB OF ATTENTION LIKE A LOST PUPPY. You deserve better than this, but you’re only going to get better than this when you pick yourself off, dust yourself off and start acting like you want better than this. Man has got to go. Like 7 months ago, so next best thing is now. Cut your losses, you don’t want a future with someone who does this.

candyfox84 · 2022-03-29T21:59:47+00:00

I know how hard it is to be in your shoes. You want his love and it's not there. I'm proud of you for coming here and acknowledging the problem. That's huge! 👏🥰 That's the big first step in realizing what you need from life, from yourself, from others. What you do with the information is up to you. But be strong. There is a bright sunrise waiting for you on the next horizon.

Hour_Sleep_8481 · 2022-03-29T21:49:06+00:00

It can be emotionally hard to go through a breakup, but imagine the alternative — dealing with a man like this for the rest of your life. Imagine what it would feel like to be with someone who doesn’t have your back, doesn’t really care about your feelings, and ignores you when you need support. That would be such a shitty way to live (ask me how I know!!) I hope thinking about it from that perspective will help you to have the strength to take the steps you need to take right now: 1) breaking up with him immediately and 2) caring for yourself and meeting your needs. You can do this! Don’t worry about your stuff. PLEASE do change your locks before telling him you’re done though because you really never know if someone might flip out and you’d be at risk.

ogfallenicicle · 2022-03-29T23:29:41+00:00

I hate silent treatment. That’s a deal breaker in my book. I think they are abusive and is a huge manipulation tactic.

Platipus6 · 2022-03-30T00:49:37+00:00

Girl. The only problems in a relationship should be external problems, ones you solve together.

If the man is the problem, dump him.

Tell him to leave your keys on his kitchen counter. Return his things and keys, get your stuff.

If he refuses, ask him if he needs the police to assist him. He's a chickenshit, he'll give your keys back.

Pixie_Reality · 2022-03-29T20:06:58+00:00

It’s easier said than done… but block and delete, then lean on friends, family, FDS for support through the grieving. My last relationship (6 months together) had similar dynamics where dates were time limited and rigid, and he would pull the ‘you’re upset? What about me and how I’m feeling?!’ victimhood Olympics. That, plus many other things, brought me to the point of ending it and now he’s been blocked for a month, and I’ve never felt better. It hurt like hell, but the payoff has been huge. I blocked and deleted his draining, negative energy and it has made room for new positive energy and change that couldn’t have happened if he was still in my life. Don’t waste the energy trying to ‘figure it out’- you won’t. The very fact that you find yourself in a position to ‘figure things out’ and contort to his expectations/rigidity is a red flag. HVM will be straightforward and their actions will match their words. Do you want to be ‘figuring out’ and contorting your whole life? It would be miserable. Block & delete and get ready to grieve and take stock of your experience. Your future self will thank you.

FarmerOnly252 · 2022-03-29T21:10:26+00:00

FDS is going to tell you to drop him. No advice other than that. Block and delete.

slothvegas · 2022-03-29T23:27:47+00:00

I went back and read your previous post on a different sub for context — just based on what you wrote, I think it’s very suspicious that he, believing you 100% want kids, acted all-in on the idea before suddenly pulling a reversal. The sense I get is that he was telling you what you wanted to hear in the short term so that you’d stick around while he figured out whether he wanted to get serious. I could be wrong, and I’m sorry to say it, but it sounds like he “changed his mind” about kids to deliberately force a wedge between you, in preparation to leave. It’s just too sudden to be natural, and my guess is that part of the reason that conversation left you so off-balance and upset is that you could sense the manipulation underlying it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but know that he isn’t your only chance or the best you’re going to get. You don’t deserve mind games, or to have your feelings dismissed when he’s the one that upset you in the first place.

valeuser · 2022-03-29T21:34:06+00:00

Girl, I’m sorry but he is treating you like a maid. What business do you have bringing him and his coworker lunch and babysitting his dogs? Begging him to be a decent human being and taking you out instead of always staying in and you cooking for him?

Please don’t do this to yourself, you are worth way more than this.

Expensive-Activity34 · 2022-03-29T21:17:26+00:00

I think you know that you don’t have a HVM. Not that life with a HVM will always be perfect and rainbows, but a HVM who loves and is committed to you would never put himself in a position to lose you. Ever.

Also, read the handbook. It’s a personal peeve of mine when people want to use FDS members as a sounding board and emotional support when they don’t follow the FDS handbook and lifestyle. Help us help you. Otherwise it doesn’t feel like a fair exchange.

DieMadScrotesss · 2022-03-29T23:24:06+00:00

Your friends giving you advice sound like pickmes. Seems like you’ve apologized and supported him more than enough. Where are his apologies and his support for you?

You’re gaslighting yourself A LOT. You deserve better. SO much better! As hard as this is right now, putting all the effort into a relationship that only serves a LVM is a lot harder. No light at the end of that tunnel.

nietzschequeenxo · 2022-03-29T23:49:36+00:00

Move on hun, he’s a gaslighter and an abuser, you CAN do better ❤️

Maleficent-Amoeba761 · 2022-03-29T22:07:14+00:00

You are giving this person too much power over you I feel. I feel that you need to work on getting to a place where you do not rely on another person for support or to make you feel better. And this place does exist. No, he is not treating you right. But I think you need to work on strength and self love. He is not helping your life and having a partner is not the end all be all ultimate goal in life. If it happens great, if it doesn't oh well. Life is great without anyone else in it. You are strong, you are worthy, you deserve happiness and respect. Best of luck to you.

queen_azulaa · 2022-03-30T01:28:45+00:00

I'm very sorry youre going through this. But are you willing to live a lifetime of distress? Bcs a ring on your finger wont change him. It hurt when I made my very first post similar to yours and was responded with a mod saying "Youre a pickmeshia. Leave him". I denied it. I pretended like I didnt word the post right for her to say that. But it was true all along.

The intentions of your sisters here wont change anything. You have to take action. You will not wither away if you dont have a man in your life. And you having a mental breakdown over a man youve known for 7 months means you have a lot of shadow work ahead of you. The best or nothing at all.

-positivity- · 2022-03-29T21:32:59+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear this. How are you? Please rest and turn off your phone. Everything is okay! There’s no crisis here that needs to be solved right now. Postpone action and worrying to another time, that will help. Just tell yourself you’ll deal with it tomorrow (by tomorrow, you’ll feel calmer). It’s his fault that he gives you so much anxiety, not yours. It’s clear from what you said that he’s neglectful and overly controlling (too busy?). He’s defective.

annie222222 · 2022-03-29T21:13:42+00:00

Aw huge hug to you! Do NOT BLAME YOURSELF OR YOUR BEHAVIOR.

No. No! Stop it!

“If only I acted better, he’d be what I want….”

This guy does not give YOU what YOU (rightly) want:

Reassurance when he’s busy
Expressed enthusiasm
Considerate contact

He is punishing you for having normal needs. You have not even expected enough from him, and in your mind you expected “too much” and pushed him away.

That’s a common horrible error women make. Good for you for coming here for support to hear it.

You do not want a guy who treats you this way and has this low of emotional intelligence for the rest of your life.

He’s just not that into you. Get on and find a high value man who can express in a normal way that you are important to him.

thinkingaboutfrogs · 2022-03-29T21:03:37+00:00

Does nobody here read the handbook?

crimebuster123494949 · 2022-03-29T20:46:54+00:00

This woman says she needs support. FDS shouldn’t be a place to get cheeky with girls who are being treated badly. This man is manipulating her and that’s hard. We aren’t tough robots we are human beings and she obviously cares for this man. I’m sorry this is happening. He’s saying he doesn’t want kids for a reason, he probably has another girl I hate to say. A serious good man wouldn’t be acting this way but it hurts. He will probably come back as well. He sounds like a selfish rude person. I hate that this happened but this isn’t the way to treat someone. He’s not treating you with empathy and gentleness. He probably doesn’t want to think about anything because he wants to be selfish and do what he feels like in the moment. There are good people out there who want marriage and kids but this guy is a taker not a giver. Hugs.

Revolutionary_Cell97 · 2022-03-29T20:42:05+00:00

You clearly feel like you really need this man to like you and be in your life for things to be ok. That’s not a good place to be and makes it impossible to vet because you don’t truly feel you deserve someone high value or that you’re ok alone. I think you should dump this scrote but also take some time away from dating and build your self esteem.

Keepers12345 · 2022-03-30T02:27:31+00:00

You're not pathetic and it's okay to feel your feelings.

You're going to be okay. You're going to be more than okay. <3

Be kind to yourself.

I'm sorry OP. Sending you heart energy 🕊

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2022-03-30T02:45:18+00:00

Don't beat yourself up over it, just use it as a learning experience. I suspect he's been snubbing you or cutting you down longer than you even realize. If this truly is the very start of the behavior, you don't want to stick around any longer. Get your stuff and block him. My worst ex was very manipulative, and messed with me for years, I was completely oblivious, and when the relationship ended it really felt like a family member had died. You'll be better off if you never have to go through that.

Malizia_Belle · 2022-03-29T22:28:23+00:00

FDS isn’t a place to vent about a relationship that you are aware is LV. it’s a place to get advice, take the advice, and level up. you are stalling. dump his ass, read the handbook, get your ducks in a row, and move on.

pimpmychaiselounge · 2022-03-29T21:50:32+00:00

This man is draining your energy. Drop him and focus on yourself

AC7878 · 2022-03-30T00:33:48+00:00

I emphasize how hard this may be for you. You love him and potentially want a future with him while he isn't doing or thinking the same way for you. You're 7 months in and there's already too much commitment. You deserve more than this and being on different terms with future children simply means that you two are not compatible and that is okay. He isn't meeting your needs and isn't someone you should be with.

You got this! Many of us went through something similar to what you have and hey! we are standing and staying strong so keep your head high, leave him and better yourself. This man doesn't deserve you!

Odd_Studio_1919 · 2022-03-29T23:36:19+00:00

I just wanted to say that I believe in you and you deserve better than this. I am sending you positive vibes.

Determinedblonde · 2022-03-30T05:50:18+00:00

“I need my shit back” grab it and then don’t see him again.

m00n5t0n3 · 2022-03-30T06:34:43+00:00

Girl this whole story is weird. Go get your stuff back, break up or just let him say nothing.

The whole dinner thing is a mess. You sort of set your standards but then went back on them. This isn't your fault, it's not like you did something terrible, but it just sounds like a) this man is not your boyfriend (he's mean to you and punishes you e.g. for changing your mind, he doesn't support you and just wants lunch) and b) you need to be single for a while and heal and be calm.

HotTrouble0 · 2022-03-30T09:41:53+00:00

Sweetheart, this long wrote shows already that you are not in a good place and you are suffering in this relationship. Maybe he is a good guy in other fields, but I'm sure that you guys are not compatible. Maybe he fills most of teh criterias, but the most important is how you feel you're being treated. And it dosen't look like you guys are on the same page. You need emotional support and he's not the one to give. It's not his personality trait. Trust me when I say that there are LOTS of guys there that would love to hear you, encourage you, give you advice, be there for you and not see this as a chore, but as a way to create emotional bond and to solidify the relationship. ALso, what person talk about marriage then acts so cold ? I think he sees you just like an asset, someone who can be there to do the cooking/cleaning/walking teh dog, etc. instead of thinking about the fact that he loves you so much that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I don't know, it's just the vibe that he gives me. Rest assured, you're not asking for too much, he just gives too little.

rainbowshummingbird · 2022-03-30T04:04:53+00:00

If you, “think you need to break up with him”, do it.

ImpatientMudcrab · 2022-03-30T07:07:20+00:00

I know you're hurting and disappointed and want to believe it will turn around. I know you want to believe that it can be logically waved away with "he's stressed out right now because xyz reasonable sounding excuses". There's always stressors in life. There's going to be worse things giving him stress later, too. And he's not going to improve his behavior because it's working for him.

Know that you can do the hard thing, because it's right for you and even though you are feeling low and your self esteem is clearly wounded, you know you deserve better. That's why you posted here, isn't it? Much love to you, the sooner you leave him the sooner you can heal and thrive.

seekingcodingjedi · 2022-03-30T08:00:47+00:00

If you stop all communication with him right away, he will come crawling back. That is my assumption. But any man who makes you a mess - not in a good way, needs to be dumped in a waste bin. And close the lid tight.

hakunnamatatamfs · 2022-03-30T17:30:11+00:00

Phone your therapist and ask for an emergency session.

Having breakdowns every time smth goes bad in your relationship is not normal nor sustainable. You shouldn't be dating.

And you shouldn't be dating this person in particular, you don't want the same things.

Valeria_Venn · 2022-03-30T17:57:06+00:00

If you come here to write a paragraph to explain the whole situation and that paragraph is mostly negatives, you're very due for a breakup.

Also the monetary value of your belongings at his home, honestly forget about it. Dump him, consider the 500$ lost the cost of your mental peace, and if he returns your stuff, good even better!

candyfox84 · 2022-03-29T23:47:38+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Tiltedwindmill · 2022-03-30T14:54:01+00:00

He's using you and making you feel insecure when you feel bad from being used. Dump him. You'll find yourself all of a sudden a lot more emotionally stable.

Junior-Lion7893 · 2022-03-31T12:26:37+00:00

I went through this during the pandemic with my very first guy. The relationship lasted for six months as well. He was playing mind games with me and made me feel bad about myself. I was in a similar situation like you. I always thought that I was never good enough for him. However, let me ask you this, is he good enough for you? If you’re feeling these feelings of anxiety and breaking down, do you think that he’s good enough for you?

The breakup was nasty for him as he he said I wouldn’t be able to find anyone like him. His friends kept harassing me and sending me ambiguous messages and reminders. I had to block and all of them including some of the people I genuinely liked. It took me a few years to realize it wasn’t a good relationship. I’ve been single for almost three years and still healing from his trauma.

For once, I feel like myself again. You will get through this, but it’s through being alone and finding yourself again.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-03-31T00:06:49+00:00

Why doesn’t anyone read The Handbook anymore?

OP, all of this could have been avoided if you had just read The Handbook.

Read it. You need it.

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