Men will date/marry women they aren’t even attracted to/like, if their appearance brings them status.

shanutopia · 2021-10-30T16:49:20+00:00

I knew a guy who liked larger girls, but wouldn’t date them because his friends give him shit for dating a fattie.

aluriaphin · 2021-10-30T22:22:44+00:00

I used to read all of Dan Savage's columns [progressive sex columnist]. Something that came up a lot was men who are attracted to fat women but will only have sex with them in secret. They will find a "hot", slim girl to be their girlfriend to get status and approval from their friends but they literally aren't even that into her - just using her for clout, might even have ED trying to have sex with her because he's literally not attracted. That's a cowardly LVM wasting the time and love of at least two women who deserve better.

A HVM will treat his partner with love and respect regardless of what society might think. If he thinks you're beautiful that's literally all that matters and he would never make you feel like he's settling or doing you a favour either. If he won't claim you to his friends and family, won't take you to work functions and won't be seen with you in public he ain't the one ladies, period.

(Note that this also applies if he thinks you're too poor, too uneducated, too ugly, too "ghetto", etc, etc. If you're not "good enough" for him to introduce to mom then HE'S not good enough for you. There's always a reason he's hiding you. He's not just "a private person" or being "exciting" or "romantic". Are your dates always at home, at hotels, or on little trips out of town? He's already in a relationship or he's ashamed of you. NEXT!)

AbundantOverflow · 2021-10-30T17:11:08+00:00

Been there. His friends hyped him about me being attractive, smart, successful etc, and he never missed a chance to brag on my accomplishments as if they were his. This made me uncomfortable but he’d insist that I should be happy to be with a man who’s “proud of me.” But it wasn’t pride. It was using me as a status symbol to prop up his ego due to his own lack of success.

I never felt he was actually into me because he wasn’t. It was hard to explain to people, but as women mature, we know the difference between a man genuinely being crazy about us and one just being around. He liked what I represented and how it looked for him to be with me. It was a difficult realization but I figured it out in a matter of months and broke up with him.

iamsojellyofu · 2021-10-30T19:34:53+00:00

Imagine not only having to be attractive to your bf, but you also have to be attractive to your bfs homies omg it is so tiring.

plomerst · 2021-10-30T17:50:20+00:00

And this changes with the trends. I’m certain 90% of men don’t know why they like a booty, but they know mainstream culture says it’s desirable.

Zealous232 · 2021-10-30T19:47:28+00:00

What makes me angry is that men don’t even admit this. It’s part of the value a woman provides, staying in shape, dressing well, doing herself up according to societal standards and men don’t even admit that they gain a lot of status from this.

xpressurself111 · 2021-10-31T02:06:56+00:00

My father told me he married my mother to have a “trophy wife.” What the fuck 🥲

Apprehensive_Ad_7917 · 2021-10-30T22:53:20+00:00

I think this happens with men and the mother of their children as well. I’ve seen a lot of men marry women they do not like and do not respect because she got pregnant. It’s extremely common among well off men. Men on Reddit will talk themselves blue about how they should have the right to abandon their children but men of actual status will marry women just to not have children out of wedlock.

SayNad · 2021-10-30T17:08:46+00:00

Yep, in many, manyyyyy couples both married and long term - it is blatant that the man is not attracted to the woman, he just tolerates her.

Ladies, if the man prefers spending time with their friends, video games, work, hell even their dog more than you, and pull a face when he has to put effort for you - he is just tolerating you.

If the date feels generic, if his affection is too much or too little, if he keeps looking at his phone even when you are in front of him, if the silence feels awkward rather than comfortable - he is just tolerating you.

If he scoffs at doing or seeing you do what makes you happy, and is impatient when he has to spend time entertaining you - he is tolerating you.

Basically if you are just there to make him happy while he throw passive aggresive tantrum when he has to make you happy (so that you will sleep with him) - he is definitely just tolerating you.

If he is attracted to you, he will do everything in his power to make you smile happily, because that makes him happy too - that's just how attraction works.

Frogspocket · 2021-10-30T18:58:44+00:00

women's bodies are trends to men.

I work in music. I first got into the scene when I was still a teenager. At that time all the big musicians were dating cookie cutter models (they all looked identical. Tall. Very thin, but with big boobs). Back then TALL and THIN was THE beauty standard for women, with not much deviation. Boobs were accepted but any other curves were considered "fat", especially big hips. Women under 5'6 were pitied. In fact, when I was 16 even though I was already 5'8 or so I remember hoping with all my heart that I'd grow to be taller as an adult (because as an impressionable kid I was perceiving tall women to be the most valued). Over the years the new beauty standard of course switched and is now the exact opposite: petite with a big butt. And I still work in music. All the musicians (some of them the same exact guys) now all have identical cookie cutter girlfriends except now they are ALL short with big butts. This is just in my lifetime so far and I'm not even 30 yet lol. Since I lived to see it first hand I was able to learn an important lesson which is that men really do see women as objects and they really do treat women's bodies like trends. Our bodies are like accessories or cars to them.

femundsmarka · 2021-10-30T16:24:57+00:00

I have been told exactly this by an aquantaince. He has difficulties to fall in love with women who 'are not that beautiful'. And now he is in a partnership arrangement with a woman he considers 'not so beautiful', told me he knew his friends would also say so. But he enjoys being with her and they already made several vacations together and stuff.

He and his friends look like Pat and Patachon and she would maybe be considered slightly above average and she has got her shit together phantastically.

Noone can fall in love with just anyone. But this... A woman to fulfill your needs. To use. No care about her soul.

bitchkini · 2021-10-31T02:35:54+00:00

This happened to me. I was with this guy for years and had two kids with him, I was very young when we met and he was several years older. I didn't realize it at the time but he never actually liked me as a person. I never felt respected or loved by him, but he always praised me for how attractive he thought I was. Looking back it is so disturbing and I wish FDS was a thing way back then.

sleepysiri · 2021-10-30T17:01:37+00:00

Not peppermint patty 😭😭

GabbaG0ul · 2021-10-31T14:25:48+00:00

For me, I was always left for a thin blonde woman. Or, I was a side piece, and the woman he was with in his social/professional life was a thin blonde woman. Something about thin and blonde is a huge status signifier to men. For anonymity, I will not disclose my ethnic background, but I will say I am not if western European decent. That has been the biggest thing affecting my dating life. So be weary of this on all ends of the spectrum.

decemephemera · 2021-10-30T21:53:47+00:00

Yes. It's not just that men are incredibly shallow. It's that "bros before hoes" is literally their governing principle. They care solely about what other men think of them. It's all insecure, middle school psychology. The only real people to them are other men, and the only thing that matters is their status with other men and whether other men want what they have.

There's a disturbing thread on another sub where men are talking about women who treated them like kings, who were smart and funny and caring, with whom they had both real intimacy and great sex, and calling them "unattractive," being ashamed of being with those women, even though they were clearly attracted to them and cared for them. I've heard the term "affairing down" to describe men who cheat with less "attractive" women than their wives, and it really bothers me to hear other women using that kind of language, because what's really happening is that the man has the "show" partner who's his trophy to impress other men, and then often a side partner with the qualities that he actually wants but who he hides as a dirty secret because he's too insecure to openly be with a woman who isn't conventionally "hot."

I don't know how they're not more embarrassed to be this way. They're developmentally stunted at like 12 years old.

honey_ginger_lemon · 2021-10-30T19:33:54+00:00

This concept sounds a lot like the "Keynesian beauty contest" to me, to be honest.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keynesian\_beauty\_contest

Independence_BR · 2021-10-30T19:57:50+00:00

This behavior is also know as "Gold Digging".

kinkardine · 2021-10-31T11:37:17+00:00

Yup they will have the beauty they are attracted to as a side dish.

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2021-10-30T16:20:21+00:00

Agreed. It’s so demented.

miwamus · 2021-10-30T16:57:56+00:00

Absolutely.

Ok-Nefariousness9646 · 2021-10-30T16:28:02+00:00

Yes, an ex of mine was a feckless social climber. Although all his girlfriends after me have been increasingly gorgeous, they've also been painfully vapid or had severe mental health issues. He then whines behind their back like it's their fault he didn't get to know them beyond appearance.

LanaDelDesperate09 · 2021-10-30T23:35:02+00:00

Well, for my ex it was money and status. The narcissist is obsessed with money and titles. He dreamed about being a doctor but he is simply too stupid, never made it. Found a doctor and proposed after a year. Now they are married. She is not beautiful but she isnt ugly either. She is just not his type, he never dated a blonde, she is brunette with highlighted hair, but he never dated anyone who looked like her. But for narcs, status is ALWAYS more important than anything else. He is not aging right, doesnt have any friends and everyone he knows is married etc. So for him not to get married right now, it would be as if he didnt fit in. Also he is obsessed with money and she makes more than him.

So yes, from what I observed your theory is correct. I know my comment isnt exactly what you said, but I also understand it and think we can find or probably know men who have done this.

Title	Men will date/marry women they aren’t even attracted to/like, if their appearance brings them status.
Author	GabbaG0ul
Upvotes	977
Comments	81
Date	October 30, 2021 3:41 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qj42ak/men_will_datemarry_women_they_arent_even/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-will-datemarry-women-they-arent-even-attracted.1080947 https://theredarchive.com/post/1080947

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