Hello ladies, I’d like to start a conversation around how to tell if a man is going to be a father who either takes a passive stance on parenting (weaponized incompetence/lets you do all of the work) or a terrible father in general. Obviously first and foremost if they’re a LVM they’re also going to be a bad father, but a HVM does not necessarily mean they’ll be a great father since being a father is a whole other set of responsibilities in addition to a relationship. Also some of us are wanting to be child free and there will be HVMs that are only HVM to some of us because they don’t have kids/the added responsibility to manage.

For those of us who are interested in a family some day, some signs of a probable terrible father I have found include:

  • When you ask them why they want kids, they say something like “muh legacy,” “it’ll be Idiocracy if I don’t reproduce,” or family name, they don’t actually care about the kids themselves, they just want blood offspring because they think their genes are superior. Usually have no concept of how much work kids are. Will want a son more than anything.

  • They say something along the lines of “I’ll have kids only if you want them.” I have seen this turn around on women so many times as justification that the woman brunts all of the child care work. “Well you wanted them! I’m sleeping in!” Having kids absolutely has to be a mutual goal.

  • If they get a new pet they might be super involved and excited at first but over time the majority of care falls on you for no real reason.

  • They don’t make enough money and/or don’t realize the full scale of costs a child implies. Instead of stepping up their game, they insist on moving closer to family for them to help out with child care for “free.” Even though most grandparents now still have to work and are increasingly unwilling/unable to be a babysitter. A true family man would plan for the worst, which is that we have to raise kids on our own and outside help will always cost $$$.

What else have you ladies noticed?

Edit from a DM: it’s fine if you want to move closer to family but it’s kind of fucked up to automatically assume they will be willing and available to help you babysit. Hope you talked to them beforehand. I also see people move to places with worse schools, neighborhoods, and lower paying jobs just to be near family that will come by once in a blue moon still. Never in a million years for me. If your family is more involved than mine that’s great. Yeah that 17 year old babysitter you hired for minimum wage is going to cancel on you, if you’re that desperate for a date night I see tons of five star babysitters on care . com, but you have to pay them $25+/hr. Like I said, prepare for the worst and get ready to pay for outside help. Also it’s fucked up if he would take care of his bloodline child with more effort than an adopted child. Humans are still humans.

Edit 2: DM was from a woman but I felt like I should also clarify my opinions on the circumstances around moving closer to family.