What do you think about a man opening up and telling you he goes to therapy on the second date?

justanothergirl4278 · 2021-11-18T17:57:41+00:00

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takethemonkeynLeave · 2021-11-18T16:47:34+00:00

I wouldn’t think this is a red flag, as most men need therapy for general coping/relating issues. I’d only be concerned if it were for something chronic like lifelong mental illness or substance abuse issues. My current boyfriend sought therapy after a bad breakup, and he’s the best partner I’ve ever had as far as ability to communicate with and have myself be heard, emotional intelligence, overall fantastic support and words of encouragement, and he’s never moody or has me trying to guess what he’s feeling. I would never look at self-improvement as a red flag, just be cautious if he’s not actively using the tools to take charge of his life and starts deferring his issues to you to handle and manage his emotions.

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-11-18T21:54:38+00:00

I think if he mentioned it very casually, didn't dwell on it and didn't dive into his issues it's okay. He didn't trauma dump. HOWEVER he could have been using it as a tactics to seem self aware, emotionally available, more "enlightened" than the average male etc. Don't cut him off just because of this but continue to vet as always.

rightsun__ · 2021-11-18T16:42:23+00:00

Before FDS I had a “fwb” (read: was just being used) who talked about his going to therapy the first or second time I met him. At first I was impressed and felt like this made him special or better for some reason. I remember saying to myself “I’ll only be with men who go to therapy from now on”, but poking back- I feel he was using that as a way to bait me in to talking about my issues and seem as if he’s more emotionally intelligent than he actually was. I DO think all men should be going to therapy, but pay attention to how they might use/weaponize that information, and if they’re REALLY doing it for their own benefit

justanothergirl4278 · 2021-11-18T15:55:41+00:00

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_xyoungbellax_ · 2021-11-18T15:54:44+00:00

I wouldn't think of it as a red flag, unless he talked about his "issues" a lot. If it's the latter, it's def too early and he's looking for someone to pour all his baggage on.

europoor24 · 2021-11-18T16:38:19+00:00

Not the most well-versed in FDS but odd to bring up therapy on a second date:

-> what kind of issues is he dealing with?

->is he just trying to lull you into a false sense of comfort/trust to get a pity fuck ? or to become his personal therapist?

->what kind of baggage did he go through in his 20's?hm

--

Being in therapy can be a good sign that someone is working on themselves, but mentioning that on the 2nd date? pretty odd, it's not as if you've known him a few months and it's going well then he mentions it.

LittleWinn · 2021-11-18T20:27:57+00:00

I dated a guy who said he was in therapy, it was just a tool he used to claim he was “working on” his behavior. Even though nothing changed, he was emotionally manipulative, and cheated. Never again.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-11-18T20:23:45+00:00

ok.. I am therapy but I do not tell people about it. it's so fucking personal. I hate it when people get together and start talking about the therapy they are doing and what they say in therapy and then they forget themselves and instead start unloading deeply cringy and emotional shit on others - friends, coworkers, acquaintances.

my reason for seeing a therapist is that it helps me be a better human being by the simple fact that I am learning more and more on how to love myself. there is nothing wrong with therapy but wtf? telling people on the first/second date you go to therapy is like wanting them to ask you how the sessions are going and what's your reason for being there.

something doesn't sit right with me. sure, I did mention it to some of my friends who do therapy as well. what we mostly did was compare fees and approaches, maybe breach a subject that has been previously shared with us but no more. people need to learn the difference between friendly exchange- healthy exchange - unloading (which is damaging AF and can destroy relationships with others).

I think that therapy should be normalized. unfortunately in some parts of the world is considered a luxury; unfortunately, some people are very prejudiced about it because of the mental health stigma. admitting you need help and seeking professional help is a sign of wanting to pursue mental health more. so yeah, a person that is in therapy has more chances to get help with their issues than a person that doesn't - unless they have narcissistic personality disorder. but at the same time... there is a fine line between honesty and manipulating you to accept early on some things you may not like about them as the mask slips. everyone tries to be on their best behavior on their first dates. think about all the shit you still don't know about them.

Saga-the-fierce · 2021-11-18T16:27:45+00:00

The fact you've had to ask whether it's a red flag should make this glaringly obvious. Never ignore your instinct!

I think there's a danger of being too "woke" about this issue. Yes, therapy is great. Yes, it's amazing that more people realise this. Yes, it's great he is self aware and taking care of himself.

That doesn't mean this isn't a red flag.

It's only the second date. It's very personal information. If another women was on this date and they weren't FDS savvy, I bet they would have probed further. That's what he's looking for. I think this is what people refer to as "trauma bonding", but I could be wrong.

Vmchik · 2021-11-18T16:08:34+00:00

Red flag. I feel like men who are into opening up and having those kinds of conversations try to convince women they are emotionally intelligent and can be trusted. People rarely disclose if they are in therapy or not and when they do it’s with someone they trust. I would be immediately suspicious of him.

melympia · 2021-11-18T21:39:12+00:00

Just read your title, and the answer is: He's trying to get sympathy points as well as project intimacy. At the same time, he lets you know he's a work in progress and needs all your help and understanding.

Stay away.

And, no, I wouldn't say this if you had known each other for a while. But on the second date? Nah, sis.

reylomeansbalance · 2021-11-19T09:45:04+00:00

Red flag. This is too fast. I would assume manipulation.

dollymyfolly · 2021-11-18T22:26:14+00:00

Beware of softbois

lexyglass · 2021-11-18T17:07:26+00:00

Personally, it's a red flag. An emotionally well-adjusted man is trying to impress when you're first getting to know them. The second date is way too early to be showcasing these types of personal struggles.

maiqthetrue · 2021-11-18T20:30:52+00:00

To me, it seems like a red flag. A second date is barely starting a relationship, and it would be weird to bring up therapy to a relative stranger. It would be different if it were a longer term relationship where you both were at least no longer strangers to each other.

My best guess is that this is groundwork for manipulation. Maybe he'll "relapse" if you try to leave, or maybe he'll use it to get you to help him in ways you otherwise wouldn't.

TheC_ntHeLivesWith · 2021-11-19T01:18:54+00:00

He’s setting you up to tolerate his future bad behavior. Every man I’ve dated who told me they were in therapy were terrible people and used what they learned in “therapy” to manipulate me into excusing cheating, addiction, laziness and abuse.

Don’t ask him about it at all. He’s dying to make you think he’s “woke”. If he brings it up again, pay attention to the context in which he “opens up” What triggers the conversation and does he seek your sympathy and validation.

oh_shit_oh_fuck · 2021-11-18T16:03:58+00:00

Are these n00bs really saying it's not a red flag? Look, every therapist on this planet will tell their patients its a bad idea to date while in therapy. He's telling you on a 2nd date, which is so soon, it's obvious he's hoping to get a pity fuck lol. I mean first of all, I'm not sure why you're so quick to believe him anyway. It's just bad news all around.

Ericaeatscarrots · 2021-11-18T22:35:25+00:00

He’s been to one session, so now he thinks he’s woke

vitryolic · 2021-11-19T01:08:34+00:00

Massive red flag 🚩 🚩🚩

The handbook says we don’t date men who are mentally ill. - Chapter 38 This extends to men who are still dealing with unresolved trauma

Therapy is a great tool that most men could benefit from. But he should go through his course of therapy before he starts dating, so he can overcome his issues and be happy and healthy before bringing someone else into his life. The same principles as we have for ourselves on FDS; heal your trauma before you put yourself out there. Therapy is healthy, but the timing is inappropriate.

The fact he told you this on a second date is a LVM tactic

He is over-sharing in an attempt to get you to overshare, and trauma-bond to feel a manufactured stronger connection to him, like he’s shown you a special vulnerability by opening up. It’s inappropriate to share this so early, and his therapist would tell him so. Now he’s put it out there, he can also use it as an excuse for low-value behaviour. There is no good reason to telling you now, aside from using it against you as a tactic or excuse.

🚩 Run for the hills 🚩

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2021-11-18T21:16:55+00:00

I'd keep it vague. It's not a red flag necessarily, but it's also entirely between him and his therapist, whose job you will never be taking over. :) You can support the fact that he goes, and not need to know the details.

If he starts to use any of this as a bid for you to make your boundaries flexible, offer him "compassion," or otherwise tries to exploit your empathy, that's where the red flags should start to wave, IMO.

ferociouslycurious · 2021-11-18T20:00:29+00:00

Mentioning it isn’t. Dwelling on the intricacies would be. If he’s talking about the benefits, that’s OK. If he goes on and on and on, that’s problematic.

Ok_Neighborhood_6971 · 2021-11-18T18:56:29+00:00

A manipulative trick to get sex?

FUBARfromLSA · 2021-11-19T01:49:10+00:00

For me personally, it’s a red flag.

A second date is the time a man should be selling himself to me. Using therapy as a sales tactic is disingenuous and seems manipulative as it’s a private matter.

I like to keep everything light and bright for the first three dates and this seems too personal, deep and heavy.

I wouldn’t break off contact with him for this- but I’d keep an eye on him even more than usual.

mashibeans · 2021-11-18T19:15:23+00:00

This IS a red flag, 100%, no ifs or buts about it.

thewetdog_ · 2021-11-18T20:34:41+00:00

Was it court mandated? 😬

Just ask him what he likes the most about it and if it’s what he expected. Make it casual while you maybe doing something else. Ask if there’s anybody in his life who he thinks would benefit from therapy, if it’s all it’s cracked up to be , if anybody was surprised to hear he was in therapy etc.

I don’t think it’s a red flag to mention it depending on your circle. Depending on location tons of people men and women are into self care and well, young people today are more aware of mental health and that’s a good thing.

I would just try to dig casually. Can also be when he tells you we was there you can ask oh how was it did you like it did your therapist say anything interesting? Then say “oh that sounds pretty smart actually, that’s so nice that you have a good therapist. What’s the most insightful thing she’s ever said to you”

I think most important is why he went and why he kept going. Ask him who pays for it, and see if he spends money on other self improvement things (trainer, etc.)

justanothergirl4278 · 2021-11-18T15:53:44+00:00

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extraodi · 2021-11-18T19:16:15+00:00

Maybe he’s an open book? I personally think talking about needing therapy on the second date is a bit heavy. It’s too soon.

paperwasp3 · 2021-11-19T06:23:20+00:00

I think it’s just fine. As long as he doesn’t act weird about it. It’s a dang sight better than dating a man who isn’t in therapy.

goldspotzingthing · 2021-11-18T18:58:13+00:00

What is he going to therapy for? Much will depend on the answer.

lucidlotus · 2021-11-19T07:17:34+00:00

I’d proceed with caution, but I don’t think it’s automatically a red flag, specifically because the stigma around therapy and mental health issues has only recently begun lifting, and many people are a lot more open about it than they used to be. More important is what he’s in therapy for and whether he’s making progress.

As for people saying you shouldn’t date while in therapy, that’s overly simplistic and based on a lot of assumptions. Therapy isn’t always a linear path to solving a problem, and being in therapy doesn’t automatically mean you shouldn’t be dating. It’s highly case specific.

Title	What do you think about a man opening up and telling you he goes to therapy on the second date?
Author	justanothergirl4278
Upvotes	249
Comments	90
Date	November 18, 2021 3:47 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qwsl44/what_do_you_think_about_a_man_opening_up_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-do-you-think-about-a-man-opening-up-and.1083458 https://theredarchive.com/post/1083458

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