Double standards - Are they something inherently bad, or just a part of dating?

Soft-Boysenberry1097 · 2022-08-26T01:32:44+00:00

Here are some double standards to chew on.

Consider an 8/10 Asian guy, a 4/10 white guy, and an average girl.

Let's say that the 8/10 Asian guy is confident in himself and is constantly on his "purpose" and "grindset." Let's further say that the 4/10 white guy embodies all of the stereotypical "incel" traits. He hates women, has no aspirations besides being a NEET and using women for sex, and fantasizes about getting a woman pregnant, committing for 6 months, and then ghosting her for another woman. Now let's say the average-looking girl doesn't have a "feminine" or "submissive" personality and generally tries to be objective about most things.

The 8/10 Asian guy will struggle with dating and employment commensurate to his level of education and effort. The 4/10 white guy will struggle in the West, but his sexual success will be closer to the 8/10 guy than wider society might think. And if the 4/10 guy goes to Thailand and Colombia, he will be able to bang hundreds of girls just because he's descended from western cavemen, even if his hairline is Norwood 3 and he's a NEET. The average girl will be bullied by her female and male contacts if she has a stoic and serious personality, but if she enters the dating market, suddenly, the behavior of the males will change and she will have an abundance of options.

All of these things seem to largely hold true regardless of the person's personality, especially if the person in question is male. The effect of lookism seems to be much more powerful for men than women for whatever reason.

How do I know this?

The 8/10 Asian guy is Kevin Krieder. He has spoken extensively about his struggles with dating despite being 6'1, ripped, and a literal "gigachang."

The 4/10 white guy is itsOver. He is now on a "Just Be White" world tour in Asia and Latin America funded by the British government, where he has had sex with hundreds of women. He even has children in a couple of Asian countries.

The average girl is me. I downloaded tinder, made an account with a fake name and swiped, and I got 500 matches in 24 hours. This is despite the fact that I've put people off irl and on the internet for my resting bitch face and my refusal to engage in superfluous positivity.
All of these examples are reflective of various studies that have been carried out and reposted ad nauseam, but to little avail in wider society.

These are some double standards that seem to be considered "acceptable" by modern society.

You tell me if they're inherently bad.

ClaraBow01 · 2022-08-26T00:59:59+00:00

My general rule is don’t hold other people to standards you aren’t willing to uphold yourself.

gofigure62 · 2022-08-26T01:26:32+00:00

I don't think it matters if the person is able to find someone to date them and agree to their standards.

It also doesn't matter if the person is perfectly fine being alone and would rather be alone that to be with someone that doesn't meet their standards.

It's only "bad" if the person wants to be in a relationship, can't find anyone to meet their standards who wants to be with them, and they aren't happy being alone. This person needs to go back to the drawing board and reevaluate why they can't attract who they actually want. Either they need to lower their standards, become more attractive to the demographic that they're after, or both.

People are allowed to have whatever dating standards that they want. Irrespective of how ridiculous they may be. If someone agrees to those standards and dates them anyway, then they're not losing anything.

LiftSushiDallas · 2022-08-26T00:12:58+00:00

There is a difference between DOUBLE standards and DIFFERENT standards.

Generally men and women want and expect different things in a partner. It's not a double standard for a woman to want a man to be taller, stronger and richer than her, since height, strength and resources are things women value in men but NOT vice versa. Similarly, women generally care less about purity in men. It's not a double standard for a man to want a woman who is less experienced with sex than he is, just like it's not a double standard for him to want a woman with longer hair.

These are different standards.

A double standard really has to be something equivalent where someone is claiming it's okay for one gender but not another. I would say saying men should be able to vote but not women would fall into that, as an example. Or that only women should be able to be nurses.

ElbowMuncher69 · 2022-08-26T00:15:40+00:00

I don’t think these are necessarily double standards that are unacceptable. We all compromise and we all can have our preferences. It’s fine to want what you want, and to aim for it.

It only becomes an issue when one’s expectations are irrational and/or unreasonable, and then the person gets upset when they’re not met. It also becomes an issue when a person doesn’t treat others with dignity and respect whenever they don’t fit into their desired dating brackets. Or when requirements are downright odd and silly.

People are more than a list of achievements and numbers. And so relationships between them are bound to be more complex.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2022-08-26T00:51:26+00:00

They key word is standard, not double to me. Standards are subjectively set and then "inform" (sometimes) an objective criterion, but do not have extrinsic rules in the first place they are governed by.

To say that 'double standards' are innately bad is like saying all prejudices are innately or inherently bad. And surely you see the problem with that? Considering prejudices and biases themselves are not "bad" or "good" by the virtue of being a prejudice but just more of a data metric/perception of something onto a subject or object.

Most people are "prejudiced" against Criminals for instance, which is why we keep them in prison - or - have them undergo rehabilitation, this is not 'innately bad' or 'good'. But if you'd like to make some kind of argument that having prejudices are causing harm in some way by just having them via mistreatment that restricts or reduces their agency, that is an extremely hard argument to make I'd say, considering you have to explain how holding a prejudice or having a preference of some kind harms the other person objectively on the perceiving end.

It doesn't "harm" men or even the man in general, for a woman to desire a rich man as a poor woman, for example. Just like it doesn't "harm" a fat woman for a fat man to desire skinny women. You'd have to in some way argue that the personal preferences of women are restricting or removing the moral agency of men, and vice versa, which so far is just an empty howl at the wind.

The best argument you could probably make for this is the objectification of men to ATM's; but you'd somehow have to demonstrate how women's preferences for financially potent men are inherently bad because this is synonymous to reducing him to an ATM; and a woman seeking a rich man can easily dissolve this argument by vetting his wallet thickness last, and she can still hold that him not being wealthy is a deal-breaker without reducing entirely him to his wallet.

dbz19_kai · 2022-08-26T09:27:23+00:00

They’re part of dating. Each person will go for the best that they can get.

If I have two jobs, one offering me 100k, and the other offering me 200k, for the same work, I’ll take the one that offers 200k. I might be a lazy slob who deserves neither, but if both offers are on the table, I’ll take the better offer.

Women are hypergamous. They date the best they can get, not what is equivalent to them. If a woman can get a guy richer than her, she won’t say no to him just cause he’s richer. Same with education. Women go for the best they can get, in looks, height, money, career, etc.

Men can also be hypergamous. Men can go for women with lower N than themselves or significantly younger. This is male hypergamy. But when men do it, it makes women and feminists seethe just like trp seethes at womens hypergamy.

ohdiddly · 2022-08-26T11:25:05+00:00

I think people should strive to not be hypocritical and to be consistent with their morals, so yes, I think it's inherently bad.

Keep in mind, double standards pertain to moral judgements or traits, not to physical differences. Wanting a blonde when you're a brunette is not a double standard.

zombieggs · 2022-08-26T13:16:13+00:00

You can have whatever standards for dating that you want as long as you accept you might not find a partner that fulfills them.

wtknight · 2022-08-26T00:39:40+00:00

Double standards are just about trying to get the most by spending the least. It's human nature to do this. Everybody likes a good deal no matter what the product is, including other people.

cvslengthbucketlist · 2022-08-26T02:38:02+00:00

The way I see it a double standard isn't the discrepancy between an individual and their preference. A double standard is the discrepancy in the way you react to two people (of opposite genders) expressing the same preference.

Since attraction is involuntary then there's nothing wrong with being one way and wanting someone who's another way, as long as you don't insult people who fail to live up to your attraction or feel entitled to have your attraction reciprocated.

If it's fine for a man to want a successful woman but a woman who wants a successful man is a "gold digger," then that's a double standard.

If it's fine for the 35 yo woman to date a 20 yo man but a 35 yo man who dates a 20 yo woman is a "creep," then that's a double standard.

cloudnymphe · 2022-08-26T07:46:55+00:00

People are free to have double standards. And other people are free to avoid those who have double standards and to point out how they’re being hypocritical.

There are different levels of double standards though. If a person has long hair but they only want a partner with short hair then that’s pretty reasonable even though it’s technically a double standard.

If a person wants certain effort or treatment from a partner but they aren’t willing to do the same then that’s gonna be a much bigger issue for most people. If someone wants sexual satisfaction but they aren’t willing to do the same for a sexual partner, if someone isn’t willing to do their share of the cooking and cleaning and they expect the other person to be ok with doing it all, if someone expects a partner to be is ok with paying all the bills even though they themselves won’t contribute anything of equal value...etc. Even if they find someone who’s willing to put up with these kinds of double standards, it’s likely because their self worth is too low to expect a partner who treats them fairly.

Compared to double standards in how a person treat’s others, I don’t see the same level of harm when it comes to double standards regarding personal traits or a person’s past. If someone wants a partner who is more in shape, less promiscuous, has a better education...etc, it’s reasonable to criticize them for being hypocritical. But the only person who is really negatively effected is themself if they can’t find someone who meets their standards.

Then you have situations where someone wants traits in a partner which they can’t or won’t offer themselves but they’re willing to offer something else that the other person values. Like older men who are willing to financially provide in exchange to get a hot younger woman. Or a man who hates to cook dating a woman who is happy to take care of all the cooking as long as he takes care of all the kitchen cleanup. These kinds of relationships aren’t likely to hold up if one person is comprising in a way where they’re not getting their essential needs met or they don’t genuinely desire the other person.

decoy88 · 2022-08-26T11:12:03+00:00

are double standards like that intrinsically bad?

Yes.

Do you judge negatively people who want in a partner something that they themselves do not offer?

For the most part.

Or is all in love fair?

Double standards are generally always bad imo. They are inherently unfair and illogical.

HazyMemory7 · 2022-08-26T11:30:36+00:00

Desirability dictates what standards you can have. If I'm 6ft, make 200k+, and am fit, I can attract a low body count girl younger than me.

High value men are by far the rarest commodity in dating. Can a 30+ obese woman get the sort of man shes aiming for? Doubt it.

Katatonicsnake · 2022-08-26T19:09:43+00:00

Wanting to only date women with low body counts, even though they themselves have very high body counts

This is so odd. The only reason I have a low n count is health. Dating a man with high number would defeat that purpose. If there weren’t STIs and other health issues, I would have tried anything with anyone.

I think some people are focusing on the wrong things, and that’s why they aren’t finding what they want. Some also think too highly of themselves. It’s not wrong necessarily, but it makes things unnecessarily difficult.

SupweemyWeemy · 2022-08-26T00:06:55+00:00

Some things make sense. Others don't.

I understand why men should be saving the women and children in a fire.

I don't understand how it's sexist for me to dislike/not date women with high N counts.

SylvestorTalone · 2022-08-26T00:21:03+00:00

Well the 'official' line on this is that all female-favouring double standards are fine and all male-favouring double standards are terrible injustices that need to called out and stamped out as much as possible.

Generally I think men accept women's double standards and only really point them out in an attempt to get them to shut up about our double standards. For example I don't see men generally taking issue with the courage double standard (cowardice is a huge flaw in a man but not in a woman), or the stoicism double standard (women feel able to cry about things but will judge men harshly for doing the same) except in the context of telling woemn they need to just accept the n-count double standard.

Electrical-Elk9058 · 2022-08-26T00:11:06+00:00

Men and women have different preferences

Its not a double standard situation, its an apples and oranges situation - you cant really compare them in that way as they are not symmetrical, they are complementary

Do women care if the man is promiscuous? No, but men care if a woman is. So men can get away with that but women cant

Do women prefer guys 2 to 8 years older than themselves? Yes, but men dont prefer women from 2 to 8 years older than themselves, on the contrary, so these preferences complement each other

Do women prefer tall guys? Yes, but most men dont prefer tall women

Your exampels about fitness and attraction and single parents are about personal preference and what you can get away with, what kind of deal you can get. Those examples are valid for both sexes

Now, other than height all other examples you gave of women are about money in a way or another. Probably because women care more about resources than men

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2022-08-26T00:39:06+00:00

It’s fine and you don’t need to hide it, it just is what it is. I mean how can one hide hypocrisy? Isn’t it obvious to everyone?

StarchRunner · 2022-08-26T02:51:10+00:00

Life isn't fair and neither are people. Anyway, not all of these are 1 to 1.

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-08-26T00:15:34+00:00

I don't consider them double standards because men & women aren't the same.

themostgianthorse · 2022-08-26T00:11:57+00:00

We are too different to be equals in every facet of life and as a result, there are double standards. This is neither bad nor good; it is a result of our biological and social differences.

Necessary_Warthog122 · 2022-08-26T14:53:50+00:00

Why waste time arguing about it? That’s my take. Women want bold caddish yet chivalric gentleman who treat them like a child. I can do that.

NotARussianBot1984 · 2022-08-26T15:35:41+00:00

Offer value for value.

Women dont value sexual chasity in men much, plenty of male virgins out there for them if they desire it highly. Men don't value women for their height much, there is a small preference for shorter women, thats trumped by womens stronger preference for even taller men. Only nature to want to be the type of man to your woman that many women value (taller).

If a short virgin man said "i want to date a short virgin girl, why is it so hard to since I am one too!?", the issue is clear, he's not offering value.

If a tall Chad asked for a short virgin woman, he could get one. Why? He wants things valued in women and offers things valued by them.

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jackedsoon · 2022-08-26T00:40:09+00:00

if u can get away with it why not? following an invisible rule of 'double standards' is stupid bc ur not rewarded for being 'humble' and settling

DisasterPeace7 · 2022-08-26T00:44:42+00:00

It's a part of dating, I don't give a shit what anybody says whether you believe in religion or whether you just want to look at it strictly from a scientific standpoint men and women are born physically and mentally different for various reasons, and those reasons are going to play into dating and relationships, some are going to benefit women some are going to not benefit women, some are going to benefit men some are not going to benefit men, c*pe 🤷‍♂️

xatnnylf · 2022-08-26T03:25:20+00:00

Men and women want different things out of sex and relationships. It isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Swapsta · 2022-08-26T03:47:58+00:00

Men and women occupy different aspects of the dating game and thus applying universal standards only works if it's too generic

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-08-26T04:17:15+00:00

Different people want different things, not all men care about body count not all women about money.

If people have unrealistic expectations then they won’t be met, that’s down to them

Ohyarlysmiles · 2022-08-26T06:04:25+00:00

People who complain about double standards don't understand how the world operates and why they exist.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-08-26T09:45:50+00:00

They're not necessarily bad, but they usually make it harder for that person to find a partner. I'd judge them negatively in the way I'd negatively judge someone who was doing something impractical and not in the way I'd judge someone who was doing something that hurt people.

ThisBoringLife · 2022-08-26T14:47:09+00:00

Depends:

What I'm seeing here could easily be considered a preference. It could be as silly as preferring to date women who wear glasses. The preference doesn't necessarily need to match what your particular level; in my example, that would be needing to wear glasses yourself.

The issue I think, is when it seriously affects your dating chances and relationships in a negative manner. Some guys or gals have sufficient attraction and/or luck to find someone within their preference. Others don't.

In terms of what you want out of a relationship, that's between you and your partner. Ideally, both parties should be able to make known their desires, and find a way to satisfy them.

Kman17 · 2022-08-26T16:58:30+00:00

Don't think of it as "double standards" so much as bringing value to the relationship.

Everyone wants a combination of successful, attractive, and fun/witty/interesting.

Most people skew towards average and want better than average in a partner on at least one of those dimensions.

Yes society tends to put a little more value on female attractiveness and male success, but that's just a weighting on those attributes and mostly offset - at least in terms of dating.

The kind of double-standards that are a bit more troubling are when we try to legislate one part of societal expectations, but not another. Recent feminist movements have taken a combinative stand against perceived male advantages while not addressing and barely acknowledging the disadvantages.

Antonija_Blagorodna · 2022-08-27T02:49:55+00:00

Where all the feminists at?

Fun_Push7168 · 2022-08-27T03:46:33+00:00

Double standards are just a part of life in general. They aren't inherently bad.

Most people would actually be pretty miserable if we were all held to the same standard.

Just imagine women being held to some of the standards they place on men....or vice versa.

I think we're all given some leeway in certain areas and none in others simply based on the most common behaviors of our gender. In other words we all get away with different things because everyone else does it and it's not surprising or far outside of normal.

People like to complain about them and wish they could do this or that without usually thinking of, or fully understanding the accompanying negatives.

Title	Double standards - Are they something inherently bad, or just a part of dating?
Author	VastlyVainVanity
Upvotes	12
Comments	165
Date	August 26, 2022 12:03 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/wxtrhu/double_standards_are_they_something_inherently/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/double-standards-are-they-something-inherently-bad.1129323 https://theredarchive.com/post/1129323

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