Finding a relationship is way easier than making friends as an adult.

throwawaylessons103 · 2023-01-21T17:37:24+00:00

I used to think this way (27F) but the reality was that I wasn't putting in enough effort to make friendships.

To make a friend, you have to show interest and actually be someone another person would want to be friends with.

I've used Bumble BFF, I've gone to places I enjoy like karaoke bars and bowling/shuffleboard/other activities you can do for nightlife and just talked to people.

The key is to make the other person feel GREAT about themselves- genuine compliments, proximity, and then grab numbers for later. Yeah, many people will flake. You just have to be super social and play the numbers.

I think a lot of straight women aren't used to the amount of effort/initiation it takes. I date women so I've never been able to just passively sit back and not initiate things. Straight women usually think it's easier to find LTRs because they're used to the pursuing and courting patterns of men, and they're not used to putting themselves out there first (in person and in a real way) and getting rejected often.

(PS I don't drink and haven't for a while, and still enjoy going out and meeting people. You don't need to drink or drink a lot to enjoy being social and mingling)

JDWhiz96 · 2023-01-21T17:39:16+00:00

You’re a woman, of course it’s easier to find a relationship than a friendship, especially if you’re looking for friendship with women. For men, the opposite is true.

SolidusMonkey · 2023-01-21T18:24:18+00:00

I feel completely the exact opposite way. Making friends is easier for me as an adult male. I'm still making new friends and acquaintances of different genders all the time. But I haven't been in a relationship since 2018. Nobody has ever been like "Nah I don't wanna hang out with that guy, he's 5 foot 7", or "He's got a low salary so I don't wanna get beers with him.", you know?

anjovis150 · 2023-01-21T16:44:52+00:00

Play online games and you'll find friends in no time.

TheLonerCoder · 2023-01-21T18:49:51+00:00

As a guy also in his mid 20s, I disagree. Opposite for me. Making friends is easy. I get asked all the time by both men and women to do stuff/hang out. The last time I was ever asked on a date, outside of dating apps, was 3 years ago. And even on dating apps, It's rare to find a woman who's romantically compatible with me that goes beyond a friendship or hookup.

renfsu · 2023-01-21T19:43:56+00:00

As a woman I KNOW it’s easier for us to get hookups and relationships

You're a woman saying this. But if I say it I get shamed and called sexist.

My experience has been opposite. And I think that's due to being a guy. Finding a dude who wants to be friends is quite simple. Finding a woman who wants a relationship is quite challenging sometimes. I've had a few female friends but they were all "we were friends then started dating".

Give me one month and I can easily make more friends than find relationships. We're in the same age bracket as well.

kristynaZ · 2023-01-21T18:44:43+00:00

I had the same experience as a woman who moved to a new city in her mid 20s. Finding good men to date was a matter of patience - I just needed to go through many bad first dates until I found someone I clicked with, but essentially in a few months I had a serious boyfriend. I am now in my late 20s, still with the same boyfriend, engaged and expecting our first kid. Meanwhile I still struggle with building my social network here and I feel like I made very little progress.

Most of my collegues barely show in the office, they work from home. Those who do show in the office don't have an interest to hang out after work. I tried joining various activities, like sports that a lot of women do (aerobic, pilates), but most come there with their girlfriends. They will have a casual interaction with me, but that's about it. When I do manage to get someone's contact details and try to schedule something, it doesn't lead anywhere. I also tried reconnecting with old friends/acquaintances and I managed to meet a few people like that. But it was always me who had to initiate meetings and they never had time for meeting more than just one time every few months. Eventually I just gave up trying to reconnect with them because I saw it was simply one-sided. They had their network here already and didn't need me.

I'm still in touch online quite frequently with my college friends and one of my childhood friends and visit them as much as I can and I am grateful for that, but it's sad I don't really have a single good friend in the city I live in.

ForthinFaith · 2023-01-21T22:47:17+00:00

Both are difficult for me

OrdinaryFarmer · 2023-01-21T20:22:10+00:00

"Just my experience as a mid 20’s woman in the US."

Enough said.

armpitpics · 2023-01-21T17:36:27+00:00

This might be the case for some people, but I don't think this is the norm. Chances are that someone who struggles to connect emotionally as a friend will have an even more difficulties connecting with someone on a romantic level. Romance requires attraction and a level of vulnerability you don't see with friendships.

mackenzie013_02 · 2023-01-21T19:49:13+00:00

As someone who’s made plenty of friends after college; really depends how much effort you put in and how extroverted/social you are.

I’m quite chatty and find/make new connections really easily. That said, I find it more difficult in the US as compared to Canada or UK/France/Sweden.

ForthinFaith · 2023-01-21T22:49:15+00:00

I hope a bunch of people do not use this as an excuse to jump into your DMS and soil the water

VTHokie2020 · 2023-01-21T17:27:38+00:00

You can have the best conversations with coworkers then never get invited to stuff outside of work and get brushed off when you try to make plans.

Do you really get brushed off?

I relate to no one taking initiative. But when I take initiative people follow along.

2023-01-21T17:50:06+00:00

Very true tbh. It's impossible to make friends as an adult out of college

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-01-21T18:03:41+00:00

I would argue it’s difficult after education until you decide to do the next stage of life , parenting. (Obviously only if you choose to do this)

Once you have a baby you start having a reason to go to groups/parks and you force yourself to interact with the other adults because you want your child to have friends n learn social skills, you usually find you have a lot on common with other adults through the trials of parenting and end up finding comfort and support from them

cel-shaded · 2023-01-21T22:08:32+00:00

Like other have mentioned, this must be a woman thing. I'm 30 years old man and i have no problem making friends - of varying closeness. Relationships on the other hand are impossible. To make friends all you need is to be proactive and pleasant to be around. Dating sadly also requires inherent physical attractiveness that some men lack.

anon-sucks · 2023-01-22T00:18:23+00:00

I don’t know about finding a relationship. My wife kind of discourages that. I will say as time goes on, it can become more difficult to find friends. Part of that is because, unlike in school, you are no longer surrounded by like age people, in close environments. With age also comes a growing willingness to dump toxic friends.

So, if you want to find new friends, I’d suggest joining clubs and taking in person classes.

chalkandapples · 2023-01-22T00:24:34+00:00

No, friends are much easier. Boyfriends require all the effort of friends and then some. If that’s not true, then your relationship is being carried by lust. You get what you put into any relationship, if you rely on just lust to maintain a romantic relationship, then it’s not going to be as stable and reliable as a friendship you put effort into.

MaleficentStar9 · 2023-01-22T14:18:46+00:00

I've been to 5 meetups weekly and I haven't made a single friend.

It's either high school or college or your fucked

punapearebane · 2023-01-22T20:43:51+00:00

As a woman working in a male-dominated field I feel the same way. Really risky to try make friends with men, if you know what i mean. And nothing to talk to with women.

TheMedsPeds · 2023-01-22T22:52:26+00:00

100% agree. I live in a new city at 32 and I’m big sad not having friends to hang with.

SansSensuality · 2023-01-30T21:16:47+00:00

Yeah, and sometimes both are too difficult

Safinated · 2023-01-21T17:36:15+00:00

I’ve found the exact opposite

High school and college friendships and relationships were way more transient and shallow

Working age friendships are longer and less dependent on existing social groups. Most people are already in long term relationships. And you have more control over your life. Every time I moved, changed jobs, took up a new interest or class, or joined a professional organization, I got new friendships, social circles and relationship prospects

and I consider myself introverted and relatively antisocial

Johnny_Autism · 2023-01-21T21:18:03+00:00

A woman saying it's easy to find someone down for a quick fuck. Color me fookin' surprised.

thetruthishere_ · 2023-01-21T19:52:49+00:00

Ive never had an issue making friends...

For me its the opposite, finding a man Im into, not so easy. LOL

The you're chasing Chad, status or the like baloney comments, thats not it. I just dont click with just any man, I just dont, never have. I know others are like me so they will get what Im saying.

Familiar_Egg8802 · 2023-01-22T03:19:43+00:00

lol, as a woman. Women literally just need to exist and they will find a relationship if they want within a week.

As a man it's hard to find either.

Niv-Izzet · 2023-01-21T20:13:05+00:00

Perspective as a guy...

I've made one friend since my early 20s. I've had multiple partners since then. My life fits your observations.

revente · 2023-01-22T00:01:43+00:00

Finding a relationship is way easier than making friends as an adult.

Only when you don’t have much to offer other than looks.

James_Cruse · 2023-01-22T03:19:37+00:00

The problem is you: it was easy to make friends in high school/university because it was low effort for you and everyone to maintain those friendships because you all went to school at the same place.

Usually, most women don’t really spend time and efforty truly developing their personalities much because they can date many men and have friends already.

Once you move or leave school, those people stop making effort because YOU stopped making effort + you didn’t really develop your personality.

Even if you make the effort to spend time with your friends and you are constantly developing and improving yourself, the people you want to be friends with won’d really value you or your friendship.

People want to be friends with people that actually bring them value. Do you really think that people wouldn’t want to be friends with you if you:

(a.) Brought them alot of value &

(b.) Made an effort to be friends with them while also being friendly?

Of course they would want to be your friend. If you’re not doing both of those two things above, people won’t be friends with you, simple as that.

Men will want to be “friends” with you or date you because you have automatic built-in value to men - your female body and their sexual access to it. So don’t compare your value to men in dating to your value to people (in general) for friendships - completely different.

Saitama1993 · 2023-01-22T12:16:55+00:00

Yea, well you're a woman. Men have the opposite issue

Royal-Tip4585 · 2023-01-21T23:00:05+00:00

I disagree. It’s just that you can provide sex as an incentive to keep a dude there rather then your personality. A friendship relies on you being able to provide benefit to the other person from just personality alone.

dontmakemedebityou · 2023-01-21T21:42:03+00:00

Maybe you’re not likeable.

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KapUSMC · 2023-01-21T20:27:46+00:00

Just my experience as a mid 20’s woman in the US. After high school or college, making new friends is impossible. You can have the best conversations with coworkers then never get invited to stuff outside of work and get brushed off when you try to make plans. You can meet existing friends’ mutual friends, really hit it off, then never see them again. If someone lives more than 15 minutes away, they won’t make an effort to hang out.

This is one thing men and women need to do far better at. Ask people to hang out more. Making friends is similar to finding relationships. It sucks to put yourself out there and get rejected. But when someone asks you to hang out, make an effort to do so. Putting yourself out there and getting rejected or ignored sucks. If you don't want to, be polite and respectful. If it's not activity you enjoy but you would want to hang, be open and honest. Not sure if that's my thing, but you like Top Golf or playing pickup soccer, or whatever... ask if they'd like to do that instead.

We (collectively - society type we) need to do a better job of treating people the way we would like to be treated.

Cloud-8394 · 2023-01-21T20:39:04+00:00

Something to consider is what your standards are for what constitutes a "friend"

Are you trying to fulfill some sensational idea about the "best friend" figure who you do everything with and are your "ride or die"? Trying to find your "squad"?

Is that realistic in adulthood? Or can you appreciate people who come and go, like those coworkers you mentioned, and simply enjoy the time you have with them. I bet a lot of the people who you say are blowing you off would still, if asked, call you their friend without even thinking twice about it. That's because to most people, friendship is a very casual thing.. there's not a lot of strings or commitments involved. Just something to think about.

FaisalAli_91 · 2023-01-21T22:31:49+00:00

I don't know, I think the opposite.

If you are in a position to get in a relationship with someone, there is friendship potential.

Just join a team, play some sports.

I think when you're 37 or 47, you'll feel differently. You can make friends, but if you're not attractive it'll be much tougher to have relationships, while hanging out with people will be comparatively easy.

purplish_possum · 2023-01-21T22:50:45+00:00

In big cities like San Francisco were almost all the young adults are from somewhere else it's easier (no one has high school or even college friends to hang with).

Comfortable-Unit-897 · 2023-01-21T23:14:46+00:00

I can honestly say that I have 100 friends that would drop everything, and rescue me from any situation. Those same friends will let me crash at their house any time. Relationships are almost impossible to maintain though. Im a guy.

FaisalAli_91 · 2023-01-21T23:49:39+00:00

Where are you meeting people to date anyways? Through your friends? At bars?

MeanCry5785 · 2023-01-22T03:09:07+00:00

Making friends is a bit of luck and knowing how to make friends. In college and high-school you didn't need to know how to make friends as much. Dating and get a commitmentted relationship can be more difficult

West-Ad-9697 · 2023-01-22T10:52:56+00:00

You get used to it, I think our society seriously overvalues friendship. You have your family and your lovers realistically. Friends are their own thing, not really invested in your life and nor would you want to be that invested in theirs.

Being close to someone, genuinely close I mean - comes with responsibility and you need to manage that relationship. I don't think you can do that for more than 3 people and maintain the same degree of quality and trust.

AS for male loneliness specifically - I think they don't really know how to care about another person. The loners I know have serious issues even caring about themselves emotionally - so automatically they will be off-putting and selfish when dealing with another person, because that's just how they treat everyone.

Feeling_Mousse_2191 · 2023-01-22T20:03:49+00:00

I don't know anything about you OP, but have you considered getting help with your social skills? What hobbies do you have? Can't make friends through those ?

Title	Finding a relationship is way easier than making friends as an adult.
Author	sweetestpineapple
Upvotes	99
Comments	114
Date	January 21, 2023 4:39 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/10hvbzq/finding_a_relationship_is_way_easier_than_making/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/finding-a-relationship-is-way-easier-than-making.1149477 https://theredarchive.com/post/1149477

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