Most online discussion revolved around 'average' people. What should those with disabilities that are not average do? They are often dismissed as an afterthought. In the year 2020 approximately 1 in 36 children were born autistic.

eefr · 2023-05-11T05:39:37+00:00

I think the broader answer to this is advocacy. Neurotypical people are often put off by things like stimming and not making eye contact, but I think that reaction is largely born of ignorance. For instance, if you don't know it's an autistic trait, you might interpret lack of eye contact as disinterest or dishonesty.

Making society at large more aware of autistic traits will help people recognize autism and adjust how they interpret autistic people's actions.

But that's a longer term solution. In the meantime, on an individual level, I think it's important to be very open about your condition, about how it affects you, and about your accessibility needs, if any. People are nervous about things they don't understand. The way out of that rut is through sharing more information.

And not being ashamed, not apologizing for who you are or what you need.

My two cents, anyway. It's a good question and one I think we as a society absolutely need to grapple with.

politicsthrowaway230 · 2023-05-11T07:50:25+00:00

I say this purely descriptively: people don't care.

Also people in these comments (notably bar eefr) seem to be reading this as intellectually or "severely" disabled people. There is probably a strong "high-functioning" autistic representation here.

satisfiedmind- · 2023-05-11T08:29:10+00:00

First you need to sort out your definition of disability.
You’ve said yourself 1 in 36 kids are autistic - it’s definitely a disability in an NT world, but let’s look at some of the “symptoms” of Allism (not being autistic).
1) insistence on inappropriate and intrusive eye contact, even with strangers. 2) lack of empathy for autistic people.
3) inability to notice important details - fixated on “the bigger picture”
4) deficits in the ability to spot patterns and understand systems
5) over reliance on context when interpreting written text, deficits in the ability to process all the words in a sentence
6) inappropriate social behaviour such as wearing strong perfume in public, indirect “non verbal” communication, over reliance on “small talk” and aversion to infodumps
7) inability to self regulate through stimming
8) preoccupation with social impressions
9) deficits in the ability to hyperfocus

I mean…. I could go on and on.
Do you really want to date an allistic person? You’d potentially end up with allistic kids trying to stare at your eyeballs all the time.

It’s up to you how much you want to mix with the NT world. I can only maintain good mental health if I accept I’m not part of the NT world and don’t want to be.

eatfleshdrinkblood · 2023-05-11T07:12:42+00:00

I don’t know it’s tough, I’m high functioning Autistic and I’m trying to figure out how to go about this. I have zero dating experience past high school. And I’m not getting any younger even though I don’t like to admit that. But I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be for someone with low functioning autism or a visible physical disability or worse yet a deformity.

Reptheft · 2023-05-11T07:37:15+00:00

Ideally these people would date each other, perhaps meeting online using forums/apps dedicated to those who face these challenges.

But unfortunately this often doesn't work due to gender inbalances. Neurodivergent women can still be approached by neurotypical men, it's mainly neurodivergent men who can't successfully approach women, so the dating impact is felt much differently across genders.

EulenWatcher · 2023-05-11T05:39:13+00:00

Get help for their condition and maybe get involved in the community of people sharing their issues. I’m not sure what other advice is there for them and I’d guess professionals working with these conditions could offer more help.

Most people recognize that any serious disability usually harms one’s dating chances especially if it affects their social skills and the ability to make and keep connections with others. It sucks.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-05-11T11:28:18+00:00

i mean thats very nice that they "want" to date, but people who are unfortunately disabled in specific areas that effect attractiveness and human interaction are just at an extreme disadvantage, exactly what can be said to them other than regular advice on how to be more attractive?

noafrochamplusamurai · 2023-05-11T14:26:06+00:00

You're using Autism as a catch all term. There is a large variance within the spectrum. The other thing to consider is the ethics. I remember watching the show " Dating on the Spectrum" I definitely empathize with everyone wanting a relationship, and love. However, none of the women on that show, met my standard of being able to adequately have the capacity to consent. We don't all have the same ethical standards, but I think a big component is probably that men and women don't feel comfortable because of this.

There's also something that comes up on this board a lot. It's logic loops, a lot of things get caught in this maelstrom of facts. A lot of the spectrum crowd falls into this cycle of looking for evidence, and data . While this the way to go on paper, it's terrible for relationships. Facts over feelings is not true. Feelings are just as valid as facts. If you fix all the factual issues, and don't address the feel of a situation, you haven't fixed the problem. Love is an irrational situation, you're trying to apply logic, to something that defies logic. If you can't emotionally connect as an autist , you're not gonna have success in dating.

mrsmariekje · 2023-05-11T06:52:27+00:00

What should they do? The same as everyone else: try their best and see who's interested. If that's nobody, then that's sad for them. But what else can they do? Force people to go on dates with them at gun point?

People with disabilities such as autism 'wanting' to date is unfortunately irrelevant. I'm sure lots of people with cerebral palsy would love to climb a mountain, but they're disabled, so they probably can't. It's harsh, but there's nothing that can be done.

The only thing that could work is seeing sex workers if they want to experience having sex. Or find someone else with disabilities that can relate to them easier.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2023-05-11T12:39:00+00:00

I’m my experience of neurodiverse, a lot of my family, also I’m in the process of being assessed myself, neurodiverse people tend to naturally attract other neurodiverse people.

My brother and his wife have been diagnosed post marriage. A lot of my friends also have been diagnosed, most of their partners have too or show strong signs of it.

I personally find neurodiverse people much more interesting and get in with them better.

My personal experience is when you stop trying to fit the mould of what society says we should be it’s easier to find the right people to have around you, not just dating but friends.

Being autistic isn’t some terrible thing, it doesn’t make you a freak.

Early support seems to make a big difference in how adults are able to adapt.

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2023-05-11T17:01:57+00:00

I know recently I’ve seen a big push for awareness of disabled people not being seen as sexual beings and I agree with them 100%

All adults should be comfortable expressing themselves as sexual beings no matter their physical or mental limitations. I will die on this hill.

With that being said, attraction is attraction and no one should be made to feel bad if they do not want to be romantically involved with someone with disabilities.

I remember there was a video of a woman who was with a man who had I think cerebral palsy. Her family disapproved of the relationship because she essentially gave up her life to be his full time caretaker, quit college everything, she was dedicated to him.

The comments were full of people saying it was beautiful and good for her and admonishing the family and anyone who said otherwise and I agreed with them, but if I’m honest, I’d feel the same if I was the family, I wouldn’t want my child to be a full time caretaker of a romantic partner. As messed up as that is to say, I’m being honest, and I think most would agree.

obviousredflag · 2023-05-11T12:20:18+00:00

What should they do? The same as EVERYONE ELSE: Date people on their level of desirability.

keepin2002 · 2023-05-11T06:13:11+00:00

Survival of the fittest

Either work twice as hard as average people with no guarantee of success or rot

harmonica2 · 2023-05-11T16:35:03+00:00

I'm autistic and currently have a gf. She is autistic as well, which helps but I guess a lot of guys don't have that option perhaps.

One time a woman felt she didn't want to sleep with me because she felt I couldn't consent if that's the case for a lot of women?

gggg2010 · 2023-05-11T05:30:37+00:00

Date others with disabilities

Specialist-Action-33 · 2023-05-11T06:29:08+00:00

I believe that people with disabilities usualy meet within a community such as a community center or during some kind of volunteer activity. Its kind of sad that they are not considered when it comes to dating because no one has a specific preference for them or maybe perceived as taking advantage of someone. Imagine someone not disabled putting in their OLD profile they are looking to be with someone who is wheelchair bound, how it would look at first. Like everyone else, I do wish everyone success in dating, disabled or not. Sadly, theres just no main solution for some that works the same as others.

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-05-11T07:39:30+00:00

I wanted to ask if you meant that having autism makes you below average or if you were advocating for people who are both on the autism spectrum AND below average. I don't think autism necessarily means you are below average, because it doesn't impact your physical appearance on like a genetic level and it doesn't necessarily impact your intellect.

If you are above average to high in one of those areas (looks or IQ) you can leverage that to your advantage in dating. You can also try to date other people with autism which would be ideal because you won't have to explain yourself all the time and there's less pressure to mask. However if you are high needs it would be more difficult to get into a relationship. A high intellect will be good for attracting other highly intelligent people as well, since almost always they prefer to be dating someone who is roughly as smart as they are. If you're very gifted I'd say your odds of dating success are much higher.

Autistic people also have a unique approach to emotions which can be either a benefit or a detriment. For instance if you have frequent meltdowns that will be really not a good thing. However if you are more logical, sometimes to the point of being very emotionally unreactive, this will give the appearance of emotional stability which is a pretty big positive for most people.

I think making sure you see a specialist who can help you navigate social situations that would be the most important thing you can do as someone on the spectrum.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-05-11T08:55:57+00:00

Those with serious disabilities that affect social or mental functioning (most of those autistic children won't be in this category) tend to do best with others who are at least somewhat impacted by a disability themselves. And some of them aren't even capable of dating even if they want to (it's not even about whether others want to date them so much as they can't achieve a basic enough understanding of the concept to consent even if they do have some desires; I'm talking about people with mental capacities that are less than young children and young children aren't suited for dating either). Those who are higher functioning often end up with those who aren't disabled. Just more often it's with people they already knew before dating and therefore understand how they communicate.

begayallday · 2023-05-11T15:11:43+00:00

As someone who is ND, I have only had relationships with other ND people. I don’t relate to NT people, and they’re generally not all that comfortable with me either. Hell, my cousin who has Down’s Syndrome has had several girlfriends, and they all had cognitive disabilities as well.

LingonberryGood3915 · 2023-05-11T17:30:43+00:00

the answer is obvious: look for below average equals instead of trying to get the average.

Safinated · 2023-05-11T18:04:33+00:00

They can make choices, just like the rest of us

asdf333aza · 2023-05-11T08:03:46+00:00

The rate of down syndrome increases with the age of women's birth. On the off chance a female could have a kid at 50, there is a 1 out 10 chance the kid will be autistic compared to 1 out 2000 if the kid was born to a 20 year old. The rate increases as women delay pregnancy By age 35 we are talking 1 out 350.

87AudreyHorne · 2023-05-11T08:20:54+00:00

I think it probably makes the most sense for people with disabilities to date each other as it would be really hard for a non disabled person to be with someone who is very different than them and has special needs. But of course if a connection happens and people are willing, why not, I am just saying it's probably not likely to aim for and it would make more sense to focus on people with a similar disability, whether it's physical or mental

5PointTakedown · 2023-05-11T06:00:23+00:00

Autism I suspect is caused by bullying, most likely within the home, usually an overbearing parent or two that creates this situation.

I dunno, as hard as it sounds I suspect bullying in humans is the same as it is in the animal world; weaker members of the species are basically being told that they're not fit enough to survive.

A lot of this world makes sense when you just consider in terms of humans as animals.

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wtknight · 2023-05-11T11:12:17+00:00

They can find some way to be attractive despite their disabilities, I suppose.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-05-11T15:19:42+00:00

Dating will always be difficult for those who are visibly different, unfortunately. I think the only positive thing here is that autism is being diagnosed more, and there is a lot more awareness now. If 1 in 36 is actually being diagnosed with autism (not just being autistic and not knowing it like was so common in the past), that’s a LOT of people you can’t just sweep under the rug.

I’m someone who is likely on the spectrum myself, but as with most adult women, I’m very masked. This means I can lead a fairly normal life, but am often overwhelmed and exhausted and have some “weird” behaviors at home. This also means I can date, but does affect my relationships as someone who’s easily overwhelmed and exhausted by daily life can be challenging to live with. My partner is also neurodivergent which presents its own challenges but helps with understanding each other and having patience for quirks. I couldn’t live with someone who was weirded out by stimming or something, since I hide that stuff in public but need to relax at home. I do acknowledge though that as higher-functioning people who can appear “normal” and hold jobs and such, we don’t face the same challenges as many neurodivergent people.

More communities and perhaps dating apps for autistic and neurodivergent people might be a good idea, but since many aren’t very social, this makes it difficult. I still think most autistic people DO want to socialize though, they just find it difficult with others who don’t understand.

sweetestpineapple · 2023-05-11T15:50:10+00:00

Date each other. And I don’t mean this in a “lower your standards” way. A person with a similar disability or hardship as you will likely understand your struggles and be able to sympathize and empathize. There are a lot of spaces online to get to know people and at least make friends, which could develop into something more. Being open to long distance relationships might be a good idea too.

HobbitShaker88 · 2023-05-11T16:20:27+00:00

I worked with people who have disabilities for 5 years as a social worker and most of them dated other people who also had disabilities.

SoulBadguy0408 · 2023-05-11T18:23:05+00:00

Do feel like a decent chunk of men in subs such as r/foreveralone and r/virgin are pretty autistic so it would be nice if there was a way to be attractive to women despite being neurodiverse

FutureBannedAccount2 · 2023-05-11T18:46:45+00:00

I think they would need to find a discussion forum specific to their needs or open the conversation up. The average person doesn't have that experience so it woul dbe really hard to do anything except listen

CP_137 · 2023-05-11T21:09:09+00:00

If you have a disability and still want to bang my guess is the answer is the same for everyone else: go for folks who are in your league

ManzBearzPigzIzRealz · 2023-05-11T23:40:18+00:00

It seems to be the basic consensus that as long as you’re an average looking woman, you’ll be mostly fine. As a man, unless you’re exceptionally good looking, you’re probably screwed. In the particular circumstance where the man is average or ugly, I’d advise you spend your 20s on building a career/wealth in the hopes that you could attract a woman that would tolerate your disability.

SkookumTree · 2023-05-12T04:31:27+00:00

Be celibate for life.

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2023-05-12T06:07:10+00:00

Oh my person get on my level. I do non of those things and am still treated as a social creepy outcast because I have autism and don't respond in the exact way they expect a normal person to.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-05-12T23:53:52+00:00

It depends how much their disability impacts the way they treat people.

I have dated people on the spectrum before. If they had no way to express desire for me it was a dealbreaker as I need to know someone I'm dating is enthusiastically interested and I need that to be demonstrated not talked about.

I've also dated people on the spectrum who had particularly unusual preferences for their sensory issues that I personally could easily accommodate (moving to a quieter part of the restaurant, special seating not near the speakers at a concert while wearing earbuds and understanding they might need to leave halfway through the concert if it got overwhelming for them, taking a longer drive to avoid a chaotic area that overwhelmed them, et cetera).

But if it causes the regular appearance of disinterest or is actively harmful like causing them to think of humans as numbers in a ledger or have them have no control over their tempers when environments got too intense that may be a dealbreaker. Usually if I parted ways with them they still went on to date others (sometimes more neurotypical people like me, sometimes people with similar struggles and/or disabilities).

Edited to add: Everyone is different. I personally do not mind someone not being able to make eye contact but if someone's stim is violently hitting themselves repeatedly in a quiet setting or slamming a first down on a table with other people that's different (to me).

duenebula499 · 2023-05-13T16:52:02+00:00

I dislike that my only solution would be to have them date other people on the spectrum. Maybe a specialized dating app or something.

D0uble2 · 2023-05-17T00:24:51+00:00

They need to either learn to act neurotypical or be born handsome.

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