Where's the lie?????

CautiousJuice9533 · 2021-02-08T09:09:37+00:00

When I was 25, I was in a relationship with a 35 year old divorced man. He bought up the subject of marriage and casually mentioned he intended to propose with the same engagement ring he had given his ex wife. I nervously said I would prefer my own ring and he shrugged and said he wouldn't bother proposing then. Thankfully, I had enough sense to see how awful and cheap he was and I ended it not long after.

peanutbutterismylife · 2021-02-08T10:14:29+00:00

IMO this is really dependent on the situation. There are some truly lovely heirloom rings out there, my great grandmother’s ring was really beautiful (and then my uncle gave it to his first wife who lost it a few months into their engagement ugh). I also think that if he has sisters, they should get first dibs on the ring because they’re related by blood to the original owner, but I might be biased because my mom had her heart set in her grandma’s ring before my uncle took it and lost it. There are also a lot of dinky rings, my dad’s mom’s ring for example basically looked like bent up aluminum foil. I think if the marriage was successful and loving for the duration of the relationship and the ring is not a piece of crap it’s a nice gesture. Otherwise, it might be a nice gift as just regular heirloom jewelry, but not as the ring that is going to symbolize your marriage.

singing_stream · 2021-02-08T09:37:51+00:00

I actually quite like the tradition of passing on a family ring, but; i also think that the only way that would be okay for me, is if the marriage it came from was a very happy one.

I'm not superstitious (really), but it seems like a bad idea to me if you accept a ring when the person originally wearing it wasn't actually happy in their own partnership. It seems like a bad omen tbh.

justforfds · 2021-02-08T10:07:55+00:00

Another trap in accepting a family heirloom is it's often seen as a loan, not a gift like a genuine engagement ring. So much pressure to return it if things go south. Then it's recycled for the next woman fitting into the blank space marked wife?

Babooshka-123 · 2021-02-08T08:32:25+00:00

My friend gave her boyfriend HER grandmas ring and said she wanted to get married ! I was a bridesmaid at their wedding and the Groom made a joke about how he never even proposed. So embarrassing.

Vmwvi · 2021-02-08T06:49:23+00:00

I always wondered how that train of thought worked. Are you going to steal one of the most important symbols of your grandparents' love for each other (assuming they're part of the small percentage that are happily married and still alive) or are you going to rob your dead grandmother once she's dead because you're too cheap to buy a ring? And even if you obtain it legitimately, why would you want memories of a DEAD family member permanently cemented into your relationship. It's an easy way out of any effort (no money, no thought, no time, no effort). Do you expect someone to be honoured at being cast as grandma 2.0? Honestly.

imlostmarie · 2021-02-08T18:15:23+00:00

I have my grandmother wedding ring, given to her by my grandfather who had many, many affairs. He’s been dead for at least 30 years and to this day, I have new aunts and uncles coming out of the wood works thanks to DNA testing. After they divorced (in the 60s) my grandma had the ring melted down to a gold nugget pendent and placed it on a gold necklace. They had kids together so she would still see him a lot...and she would twirl that nugget, play with it, with her fingers to show off her work to him. Lol I am blessed to now wear it around my neck and play with it as the “fuck you” it was intended to be and to never take shit, especially from a man. Love that lil nugget ❤️

havingababypenguin · 2021-02-08T13:35:43+00:00

Especially with Etsy. You can get such beautiful thoughtful custom rings on literally any budget. My set was $700ish. And it looks so expensive. It wears beautifully. And I adore it. There's literally no excuse. NONE.

sassyheather · 2021-02-08T09:45:26+00:00

I wouldn’t want a ring connected to negative experience and bad marriage. My boyfriend’s maternal grandmother has been married for 65 years and told me the story of her marriage and life with his grandfather. Sadly he doesn’t remember it now, but god, it’s a beautiful story, but such marriages are rare.

Mella_20 · 2021-02-08T11:42:19+00:00

Some men even have the audacity to give their fiance the ring of an ex wife. I dont understand their mindset.

gutsandgorey · 2021-02-08T18:13:24+00:00

Got into an argument with pickmes on Pinterest over this. It was a picture of a god awful, ugly pearl ring. The woman was upset over how "unlike her" it was. It was a hand-me-down from his grandmother that he pulled out of his pocket! Everyone in the comments shitting on her calling her ungrateful and spoiled. I stood up for her saying that if a man is going to propose to a woman he needs to get her a ring that she LIKES. Annnnd the pickme wrath turns towards me. Girls are falling all over themselves to call me a b*tch, c*nt, spoiled, etc... Unenlightened women get so mad over other women having standards.

Diamond_fairy · 2021-02-08T06:43:01+00:00

If they don't ask you first and you're not the one picking the ring (or the stone, if he's ready to destroy it) from at least some valuable options - with the possibility of not liking any of them - that's a big red flag.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-02-08T08:01:23+00:00

The nerve of these men, to ask a woman to give up her entire life for him, have his kids, and not even offer her anything in exchange. Like fuck that one sided deal

Edit: this post got soooo many bitter men commenting. Hey your post gets deleted but I see it in my emails :)

Here is your anwer guys. No raising children isn’t done equally. It’s done by us women. We sacrifice everything our body, our freedom, our careers. We don’t build a life together, we give up our lives for you. And you can’t even give up one thing as a token of your love and commitment knowing what we are giving to you? Because gold digger???? Muh money? No you’re a gold digger. No marriage is not a good deal for women it only benefits men. Screw that. Take your ring and shove it btw I’ll buy my own (which will be bigger and prettier) while I keep my freedoms and take myself on yearly vacations

LockLimePie · 2021-02-08T18:40:33+00:00

Unfortunately unpopular opinion: An engagement ring is a GREAT indicator of how much a man respects you. No, male lurkers, I'm not saying that you need to spend a certain amount, but 3 months salary is the standard and should be what you invest in a ring that your wife will wear for the rest of her life. You should also ASK your girlfriend what kind of ring she WANTS, don't fucking make it her birthstone or jasper or wood or moonstone or WHATEVER because you ~~~ think ~~~ that is what she'd like. Most women are afraid of being called gold diggers and will put up with your shitty ass nasty bubblegum machine ring, but everytime they look down at it and the .0001 carat cubic zirconia you spent $10 from Amazon on, do you really think they'll feel proud?
Rant over lol. I'm sorry but if a man proposes to me with his mom's grandma's resin wood ring or whatever, I'm saying no.

luciesssss · 2021-02-08T13:52:09+00:00

I wear my great grandmothers wedding ring so I can remember her and have her with me but she also had a long and happy marriage. Her and her husband adored one another. It also makes a difference that it’s from my family, my great grandmother who I loved so much. I wouldn’t want it from a woman I never knew

ninetiesbaby16 · 2021-02-08T11:27:25+00:00

Omg yes! I have a friend that got engaged and I was so uncomfortable when she showed me the ring and she told me it was his grandma’s: it was a nice ring but it was tarnished, dull and looked like it had been sitting in a drawer for decades. Like wtf the dude couldn’t even take it to the jewelers to get cleaned, polished and whatnot before he jammed it on her pretty finger...I didn’t say anything cos I’m her friend and he does seem to really love her but still. It’s a shame because it was a nice ring with good quality stones and all he had to do was give it a spit shine as it were and he couldn’t even do that 😓

bisanti · 2021-02-08T06:21:30+00:00

💀💀

This is so true though. I don't find it romantic at all, in fact it's quite cheap and disrespectful. To assume that a woman would want to wear a mans gaudy family heirloom for the rest of her life just because it's significant to him... yet has 0 sentimental value to her. No thanks. Every woman deserves her own unique ring.

dancedance_83 · 2021-02-08T07:15:17+00:00

I used to think it was romantic that a man would give the woman his grandmother’s ring or an heirloom ring. I think it depends on if grandpa got a fucking ROCK for grandma, though it’s probably not as likely considering the time frame. I think a nice compromise would be something like what Prince Harry and Meghan did, she chose a few stones out of Princess Diana’s collection of (rich af people) jewels and had a custom ring.

Which brings me to pivot: Prince William’s wife, Kate Middleton, has his mother’s GORGEOUS engagement ring. Obviously that marriage was a sham and a half. And also, Prince William is pretty LV himself. Idk. Just my thoughts.

EarthKveik · 2021-02-08T08:00:50+00:00

I'm kinda in two minds about this tradition. On the one hand, it can be a nice way to welcome you into their family, on the other, it can be an excuse to be cheap.

I think if he's thinking about doing this he should ask first, and spend what he's saved on something else to celebrate the engagement. It's not just the thought that counts, it's the investment.

littleartichokes · 2021-02-08T12:56:19+00:00

MY mom gave my husband a ring and told him to do whatever he wanted. So he reset it into something more simple that I would like. Kind of a happy medium in this kind of situation.

gouttrout · 2021-02-08T12:53:22+00:00

I had a friend who's mother gave her her own grandmother's ring to wear as an engagement ring. They never got married, but she kept the ring BECAUSE IT WAS HER RING BEFORE SHE EVEN KNEW THE GUY.

eveloe · 2021-02-08T17:58:12+00:00

I don’t know about this one sis. I have an heirloom ring and it’s gorgeous. His grandmother left it for me when she passed.

coldfoot23 · 2021-02-08T06:08:14+00:00

I did a spit take reading this

GoldandGlowing · 2021-02-08T06:29:42+00:00

LMFAOOOOOO

aclick1999 · 2021-02-08T16:25:37+00:00

It's all about the value. 1. Ring value - what's the insured price of this baby? 2. The VALUE you have to the man

If his nana's ring is a precious heirloom and he knows you like the style, or he takes it to get it modified into a style and SIZE you like, then great! I'm a fan of vintage rings in general. And have no issue wearing anothers ring. But preferably still estate sale purchase, not family loaner.

If it's third aunt removed, Petunia's, .25 carat, rinky dink 2nd marriage ring, his momma gave him because she don't even like you and doesn't want her son investing in you either. RUN. Its lazy, low value, and won't even fit on your pinky.

You think he'd like it if you started feeding him from back alley dumpsters, or clothing him from donation bins? Same energy.

2021-02-08T08:22:34+00:00

Wow hahaha!!!

waddamelone · 2021-02-08T17:20:25+00:00

Exactly! Stop playing and get that ring that’s been through the struggle and abuse away from me NEOOOOWWWW!

localgirlcult · 2021-02-08T14:05:24+00:00

If anyone knows about guys that have been fuckboys for hundreds of years and about cursed items and why you shouldn't bring them into your home, it's Buffy Summers. She's had experience.🤣 So this tracks.

CloacaDiddler · 2021-02-08T15:25:06+00:00

I don’t want someone else’s hand me down ring

mjkmeow83 · 2021-02-09T01:16:26+00:00

I have my grandmothers wedding and engagement ring. I have no intention of ever getting married but I still wear them because they are beautiful.

cryptohobo · 2021-02-09T09:19:27+00:00

My friend is best friend’s with her ex-husband’s ex-wife. They were able to figure out that he used his grandmother’s wedding ring for both their marriages lol. The inside is incribed with, “love you, samuel” lmao.

Title	Where's the lie?????
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1527
Comments	83
Date	February 8, 2021 5:43 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lf577e/wheres_the_lie/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wheres-the-lie.1192550 https://theredarchive.com/post/1192550

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