I hate the modern mindset

HereinPA1 · 2023-09-10T01:00:14+00:00

Damn man, I could have written this word for word. It scares me you’re 7 months in and I’m only 3 months because I hope I’m much better by then. I cried pretty much all day today. I’m sick that all I have worked for to secure our future, all the literal work I did to our house to make it a home, raising our kids and everything in between was all for not because she wanted out.

Why weren’t we worth it to work on our marriage, why wasn’t our intact family worth it for her? I’m just as confused as you are. I’m questioning myself, am I as bad as she has portrayed me to be? How could she drop the bomb and move out so quickly? How can she be moving on and living her best life like our almost 20 year marriage didn’t mean anything to her?

I can’t just turn it off. I committed to her and took my vows literally and would have done anything to keep us together.

Her “support” network has plenty of divorced women, she was always on social media, all of it. Love is conditional for some and unconditional for the rest of us. I’ll never understand it and know this is a huge mistake. I hope I prove myself wrong as I work myself through this and come out the other side wiser, stronger and smarter.

This temporary and easily discarded mindset on how some view marriage just shows the whole goddamn thing is a just a con and society has degraded to a literal instant gratification garbage pile. I swear to God, if a Time Machine were ever invented I would go back and smack myself so hard the moment I first laid my eyes on my stbxw.

ragingredditir · 2023-09-10T00:46:32+00:00

Our world and society has changed and a lot of it is to our detriment.

I recommend staying OFF tinder and similar websites. Focus on you and finding your inner peace. Serenity comes from within and learn what it takes to keep your own cup full.

I’ve found out how much I under valued the male friendships in my life. I’ve been amazed with how many long lost buddies were still there for me when I needed them.

I’ve been separated for over a year now and haven’t put in any effort into finding a relationship. I haven’t pursued any dating websites or apps. I haven’t gone out of my way to approach anyone in person. Despite that, a friendly conversation with a woman has turned into something really awesome. To an extent, I think the less you are focused on finding an amazing woman- the more likely it will be to happen.

You won’t be alone forever, but it’s healthy to take this time to ruminate, reflect and eventually heal. This forum is a good safe space as well, with lots of good tools to offer

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-09-10T01:34:12+00:00

My dad used to tell me “when anything goes, everything goes”. Basically an inch turns into a mile very quickly when it comes to moral integrity.

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-09-10T05:14:48+00:00

That’s just it. The modern “mindset” is nothing more than an ideology. It’s not reality. You hate it because it’s not natural. It’s intellectuals telling society how they should feel. We, like idiots, believe if we don’t feel that way it’s wrong.

She slept with 100 guys, that shouldn’t matter. Well, it feels nasty. You are wrong.

She can be a mom, a wife and have a successful career. Hmmm, seems like someone will suffer. Likely me. You disagree, are a misogynist. I hate women?

Women don’t need men. Why do we split assets and pay alimony? Sustain a standard of living? Isn’t that a need?

This list goes on and on. It’s stupid and unfounded ideologies which have zero merit and only exist because we allow them. So marriage isn’t the problem. It’s the people we marry and laws that perpetuate this nonsense.

We are casualties of learning this the hard way. Data supports this. Men aren’t marrying. Women’s mental health issues are increasing.

Timely_Froyo1384 · 2023-09-10T02:22:13+00:00

My grandparents were married 64 years

My parents were married 49 years

All death do you part marriages, it wasn’t all rainbows and kittens but they definitely had love and commitment.

We are going on 31 years and now I know what my parents and grandparents went through.

I agree it’s sad and heartless state of marriage.

Ncfc48 · 2023-09-10T06:34:50+00:00

I still look at my ex wife and wonder what the f**k has she actually achieved

She tried to monkey branch to her friends husband our neighbours sorry they were just friends that's not the reason she left! Must think I'm stupid

Well she obviously got dumped I levelled up she desperately indirectly tried to hint flirt for ex husband back now other females wanted me

I obviously said no thanks even though I so badly wanted my family together and my son in an intact family

So back to your point she has admitted no fault she thinks she has done nothing wrong but has just "found herself"! She already has problems with my 12 year old son when he is with her and he will find out the truth as he goes to school with one of the other kids involved

So yes a pointless family break up that has made no sense keep strong lads

Frequent_Device_855 · 2023-09-10T00:38:53+00:00

We live in a world that has a corrupted, individualistic ideological framework which champions the "self" above all else. Breaking your home apart and destroying your family, causing immeasurable trauma to your own children and the person you pledged yourself to for life is considered an act of personal bravery. "Guilt" isn't a bad thing because of the harm you put on others that caused you to feel it. It's a problem that you're feeling it in the first place. It's the very notion that you're feeling something negative that's the problem, not your own actions which caused it. Feelings of jealousy or betrayal over your partner are considered "controlling" or "obsessive" because they inherently rely on the actions and affections of others - something the modern ideology cannot constenance.

The highest form of actualization in this system of spcial stigmas we've set up at this point is self actualization. Self love. Self care. Self respect. The very notion of attaching yourself to something greater than your transient feelings is repellent and stigmatized. There are countless ways this expresses itself in modern life, but nowhere is it more apparent than in the system of incentives around divorce with children. These values of "self above everything" are not the ones that made the modern world. They didn't give us this world of abundance that has made it POSSIBLE for us to be this selfish and self-centered. But that's what we have. We've become in some ways a victim of our own success. After conquering the physical world, eliminating our existential fear for lack of food and shelter - we've begun a war on our own spiritual needs collectively. Personally I'd rather storm the beaches of Normandy or something, with a wife at home who I knew loved and respected me, than fight this spiritual battle of silent pain and betrayal. But those are the cards we're dealt. It's a sick world.

WillyT_21 · 2023-09-10T00:46:51+00:00

Bro just know you aren't alone. As a Christian I call it the spirit of the age. People have become selfish. We live in a narcissistic society with little patience.

The story is always the same......spouse become discontent and from there on the nightmare begins. I've seen at least 2 dozen men I've spoken to personally in our situation. The story is always the same. "They didn't feel loved".

Just hang in there man. As someone that shares 50\50 custody......it's nice to have my alone time and to get a break.

This will help lighten the mood. Stay strong friend.

https://youtu.be/qGN1a4fN2sg

lyricbaritone2 · 2023-09-10T02:21:36+00:00

Bottom line is women view men as a replaceable commodity because of all the thirsty simps and undeveloped men that give away the johnson and or commitment. Men take their commitments seriously when they offer it. And suffer emotionally when she withdraws consent. Anyway, free agent lifestyle is the way to go. Never commit ever again. That back 40 gonna kick her ass.

Ever-learning271 · 2023-09-10T02:11:57+00:00

Is it the Era, is it the Social Networking, is it temporary or is it permanent??? All these questions and more will flow through you as you ruminate…some say rumination is bad, some therapists believe rumination helps avoid depression….I say, you feel what you feel, so feel it; use the pain to propel your independence.. Note her actions over her words, trust your gut, focus on Self-care and your kids and you will pull yourself out of this hell…you got this! You deserve someone who stays, not someone who comes back…know your worth brother! Good Luck❤️‍🩹

LonelyDadbod4U · 2023-09-10T08:15:56+00:00

Truth bomb 💣

Everything in life is temporary.

Movie qoute. -

Bad luck, I guess. It floats around. It's got to land on somebody. It was my turn, that's all. I was in the path of the tornado. I just didn't expect the storm would last as long as it has.

History of divorce

Take care and I hope healing and inner peace is obtained. Stay strong 💪🏻

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-09-10T03:23:25+00:00

You are using old outdated ideologies to try and reason why things are going the way they are.

All of us showed up on our wedding day thinking “okay, this is the one. I’m going to do this and be the best husband I can be…”

Don’t blame yourself. You probably did nothing wrong. And even if you did “pay more attention to her,” she still would have found another thousand reasons to get divorced.

Times are different. Our culture is toxic. Maybe some old school mentalities still exist in other countries, but the women in the USA have been transformed into an angry entitled little princesses.

Maybe couples stayed together “for better or for worse” in the old days. But that is not the case anymore.

There is a reason why over 70% of divorces are initiated by women.

You will need to adapt to the changing times. Swallow some red pills and accept what has happened and learn how to function with the “modern mindset”.

Initial-Photo3577 · 2023-09-10T14:07:58+00:00

The difference is that those 400 men are likely all super sketchy con artists. My female friends have been put through it with a lot of those dudes

techrmd3 · 2023-09-10T20:36:32+00:00

I too hate the replaceable mindset.... but

I stayed in my marriage 20+ years, was replaced

and now I replaced the ex-missus with a new model. There is something to say for that New Car Smell :)

JustNefariousness625 · 2023-09-10T16:15:08+00:00

The real ones are out there but until God sends her Im just banging and hanging

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2023-09-10T18:58:16+00:00

I totally get it.

The modern dating landscape feels like a minefield, especially when you're dealing with a breakup and shared custody. But let's be honest, people have always had the potential to leave or cheat; technology just amplifies it and changing values enable it.

It's not that commitment is dead; it's just that options are more visible now. Your parents likely faced their own struggles but stayed together due to societal norms and pressures that were much stronger back then. Both men and women face different challenges in dating; the grass isn't always greener.

Blaming technology or the "modern mindset" isn't gonna help; you've gotta focus on healing and being there for your kids. Take some time for self-reflection, learn from the past, and who knows, something better might come along.

You're not alone in this.

SpacemanLost · 2023-09-10T21:10:35+00:00

Man 20 years older than you OP and in addition to a lot of good advice others are giving you, if there is one thing I would want you to understand above all else it's this:

You are now playing the long game. You STBXW is all short-term, not thinking beyond next quarter's earnings report (despite any proclamations to the contrary from her - they all do that).

Be the very best dad you can be for you kids, but also the 'Ice King' to your ex.

When things don't turn out as wonderful as she is currently dreaming they will, she's going to 'go back to the well'.. i.e. you for more help. She gave that up, but 95% of ex-wives still feel like they 'own' their ex husbands to some degree, and will use every manipulation in the book to get assistance from and often to stick her nose in your current business and future relationships (claiming the kids give her a right to do so).

TheNattyJew · 2023-09-10T23:13:25+00:00

The only way to survive marriage is to care less than the other person. Don't care as much, don't be as in love, don't want sex as much, etc

desingh669 · 2023-09-10T20:46:07+00:00

What’s the fix my friend. Make lemonade from lemons😊🦣🦣. Adapt or die . Not willing to sit down waiting for a woman to fall in my lap. Give some pointers as I am out of options as instant gratification n FOMO is everywhere.Same boat amicable no contest and a year since she moved with kids after finding AP.

Girls be on phone for a day n ghost that’s after sending 100 requests on dating app. I’m brown n Asian but unwilling to make excuses. The pickup stuff is also snake oil, all the tricks don’t apply to this day n age, maybe 10 years ago.. Only thing to try is going to every meetup event in my area.

Fact-Civil · 2023-09-10T11:00:28+00:00

How old are you both? How long married?

warrior_up · 2023-09-10T15:11:09+00:00

Everything you’ve said is correct. Surrendering to it is your freedom

WindowFuzz · 2023-09-10T20:52:57+00:00

You might find this post interesting--it discusses one reason why modern marriages are more likely to fail: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-new-home/202208/how-marriage-became-suffocating

probebeta · 2023-09-11T02:04:28+00:00

I think the current family law, especially in the west, has conditioned women to behave badly in marriages. One day they'll just come up with "I'm not happy" and there goes half of your hard earned money, child support and alimony to support her lifestyle that she probably didn't deserve in the first place.

In certain countries women used to be stoned to death for having affairs. That's pretty harsh and evil right? Ok well we deal with this now.

When I first came to Canada I used to think Canadian values were trash. People living alone with their dogs, no family values. Now I kind of understand :)

Saulzy · 2023-09-11T03:35:08+00:00

Me too. I feel your pain. They don't make 'em (men and generally as statistics prove, women) like they used to sadly. Marriage isn't the same and I don't know how to fix it.

MrEgusi · 2023-09-11T09:50:52+00:00

In case you are looking forward to marriage for the first time...print out OP's comment and hang it on the wall and reflect on it everyday before you go ahead.

The chances of this being you years later is higher than 50 percent.

By the way, I am currently going through a divorce too...STBXW, like many strongly believes that her excitement and happiness trumps everything else and the grass is greener on the other side. (Our 2 children are petrified of life with both parents not living under the same roof).

Oh well...I should have listened 😔

rookiepatchaut · 2023-09-11T13:43:32+00:00

Two years and I still ruminate and feel extremely lonely at times. I can be at an event with longtime friends, enjoying great food, after a great week at work, and my team wins the game in OT, and we’re all pumped. But then I’ll step outside or go to the restroom, and all of the sudden I feel immediately drenched in sadness missing the person I should absolutely hate. I’ll think of the time we were watching the giants-pats Super Bowls (she hated New England) and how excited she was to see the giants win. I’ll think of how we celebrated my last promotion together. All these distant associations suddenly come back. You almost wish you could just wipe your memory and start fresh. But you can’t.

All I can say is it gets better with time. Some heal in weeks, other months, others years, others never fully heal. But it gets a little better each day as your old memories start to get replaced with new hopefully better ones.

Just wanted to say you’re not alone.

koolaidkid12345 · 2023-09-11T14:55:44+00:00

I'll give you about the best answer I can think of. This doesn't hold for everyone of course.

I find today social media is a LOT of the problem. Case in point, before social media... before Facebook, I had 0 contact with kids from high school, old GFs I dated or girls I wanted to date, etc. Without FB (and similar apps for sure), it was near impossible to find/chat up/flirt/meet old class mates or friends, or see friends of friends that were interesting and possibly meet/run in to them. We used to have school reunions and catch up 10, 20 years later. Some were divorced, most were married, kids, etc.

Social media made it instantly possible to have private chats with someone, be it friends, or potential hookups, etc. It gave instant feedback too.. especially the social media outlets like Insta, Vine, etc where someone could post something and see likes/hearts/etc which even as fake/potentially "lie" as it was, validated a lot of people.. made them feel good, especially women in the validation but men too. That is something we ONLY had if someone told you you looked nice today, or nice outfit, etc. As social media took form, feminism rose quickly too, and the ability to verbally compliment someone or even "check them out" became fire-able offenses. So.. that pushed us more to secret messages, anonymous/made up names (like mine, and others here on reddit), etc.

I can guarantee you 99% of the people on reddit who have multiple accounts and/or made up names, are vastly more open and sharing than in real life. ALL of that is social media. No way in hell I'd be on a public forum like RateMyFace or whatever else, and write comments on women's or men's appearances, body, etc. My marriage would have never lasted. On Nextdoor, I started venting my frustrations with a certain political party (maga asshats.. republicans are fine, but trump cult maga crap is russia/china level dictatorship and somehow 30mil people are too stupid or too closed off to realize what they are voting for). That got me in trouble. Some of my wife's friends (we live in a predominantly maga area oddly enough.. can't wait to move out of here once I am divorced). We lost some friends.. cause they saw my name.

So.. YES.. social media is a major culprit to all the latest mind set and divorce. It's not the only thing. But for most of us, I have no doubt the ability to easily have secret hookups, chats, posts, feelings, etc.. has opened up a new way of life for most of us. The ability to cheat, or find someone else more alike than our spouse and look to get out. Again, that's not to say that everyone does this. But of the dozen of my friends (mostly guys) that are divorced, every one of them used social media to meet up with other people or start relationships through social media. A couple found online women across in Thailand, China, etc. Some found local women ready to hook up (most of them were married apparently too).

I will also say that social media has made men AND women vastly aware of the inequalities of marriage.. both within the marriage and those of us trying to get out, how horribly bad men have it (or rather, the bread winners.. which is usually men still in 2023, but not as often as it used to be because some women get screwed over too).

Frankly, MOST of the angst against divorce (and then maybe remarrying) would go away if the USA (and frankly most of the world) would simply make it so that the person NOT working or BARELY working has to get up off their ass and work and provide for themselves. WITH the other party (the breadwinner) paying some amount of money to aide in that endeavor for up to a year at most. This half marriage to life bullshit is beyond unfair to the breadwinner. There is NO REASON an ADULT can not reasonably find work or change living conditions to afford to survive. It's unreal that the courts STILL make it that the person should have enough money from the other person for half the marriage duration or LIFE (20+ years) to have a similar lifestyle. Uhm.. if the other person isn't working.. then that lifestyle is cut in half since the only income is from the breadwinner. So what should happen is "You get 1 year of alimony at this sum.. no more than 25% max.. but likely a lot less than breadwinners take home pay" and you must get off your ass, find a job or move to a cheaper location or in with someone to survive. YES children complicate the issue.. but then child support is stupid expensive too. So.. the combo of child support + alimony is NOT meant to have early retirement. It's meant to support the kids AND you with a place to live, clothe and feed.. NOT to have "the same quality of life you had before". That's such bullshit.

Until these changes happen you can bet your ass a LOT more divorce will happen and hopefully a LOT less marriage will happen until shit changes.

Title	I hate the modern mindset
Author	steaksauce872
Upvotes	111
Comments	46
Date	September 10, 2023 12:09 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16elb98/i_hate_the_modern_mindset/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-hate-the-modern-mindset.1231159 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231159

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