Those that finalized and are on the other side. Looking back what was the worst part of the whole process for you?

Salty-Rutabaga-3329 · 2023-09-18T05:32:13+00:00

THE UNKNOWN.

When will this finally get resolved? <- biggest oneWhat will my finances look like?Will I be able to continue supporting my son through college?Will I lose my job to depression?Will I lose the house?

Some of those turned out positive, some negative. I kept my job. My son didn't have to stop college. I lost my house. And my retirement is in shambles. I won't be able to retire near my children... too expensive.

But FML. Thinking about all these things all the time drove me absolutely nuts. I strongly recommend the divinity prayer for all those starting out.

WillyT_21 · 2023-09-18T02:29:58+00:00

For me there are two things.

It was being served with my 10 month old in my arms. Even the processor who happened to be female gave a frown when handing me the papers in my own home. Meanwhile my now ex wife was happy as a j bird in the kitchen as it took place.
Along with those papers were an order of protection. Having been a stay at home dad with no history of violence it was brutal.

I knew what was at stake and I intended to not leave my home nor leave my son.

Btw. I fucking won. Despite what her and her lawyer tried to pull. I got everything I wanted and then some.

The judge dismissed the order of protection because she didn't have any evidence to warrant it. Also I got 50\50 with my son despite all her bullshit.

I fucking WON!

Edit: There is actually a 3rd thing that I still battle with now. It's that I will never be able to trust another partner in a relationship ever again. This is probably the hardest thing to deal with but it's just a reality.

azwildcat74 · 2023-09-18T12:45:21+00:00

The worst part of the process was getting to the point where I had to acknowledge that the future I saw all laid out before me was just complete fiction and that I had been fooling myself into believing it was truth for way too long. Divorcing obviously shook the trust I had placed in my now ex-wife but much more difficult it shook me to my core with the trust I had for myself in being real about the experience I was going through and what I accepted for myself from a partner. 3 months before she filed my ex completely forgot my birthday and I was still somehow surprised when it came, how fucking dumb can you be? My ex did the same thing many do in accusing me of being abusive and narcissistic and it made me question myself to a very foundational level, wondering if I was some kind of monster and just completely incapable of realizing it about myself. I got into therapy and I am SO happy I did. The affirmation I received in that process was literally life saving and it removed me from my place of subjectivity and got me to look at things objectively and allowed me to feel better about things ending and being able to see the real reasons why it was ending rather than just completely blaming myself for it all. All of this still shook me to the point that I don't think I will ever be able to love anyone unconditionally again other than my daughters. Every relationship I get into I will always be completely willing and able to let them go without it hurting me deeply, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

The enduring suck that I face is only having my kids half the time. Today is a transition day and they go back to their mom and every single time it happens, even 2 years out now, it fucking hurts. All day Sunday before they go back I struggle with feeling depressed and angry and I feel like I lose 1/7 of the time I get with them to feeling that way. I try to make weekends special with them and do fun things that they will enjoy but sometimes it's all I can do to not just lay around and mope which is pretty self-defeating to that purpose. I never wanted to be a half time dad and it fucking kills me.

Alarmed_Quarter_1327 · 2023-09-18T08:15:23+00:00

The entire thing was the worst. She took our son the day she initiated the divorce and withheld him for 9 months, then came for max back child support (yes, I fought the withholding it took forever), she used my money as the bargaining chip the entire divorce despite working our entire marriage, she ran up over 200k in legal fees JUST on my side to end up with nothing that she was going for.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-09-18T03:54:00+00:00

All the worst parts I can think of were while we were still married. At least the process put a light at the end of the tunnel.

Marylandthrowaway91 · 2023-09-18T05:49:32+00:00

It’s not even Halloween yet and I’m reading horror stories

HereinPA1 · 2023-09-18T11:23:59+00:00

Not the audience here as still in separation. But I agree with another commenter, the whole thing is the worst, so far. This just shouldn’t have happened after almost 20 years married. Mine and my kids lives were turned upside down simply because she wanted out.

Why do this instead of working with your spouse to strengthen your marriage instead of just giving up? It’s just such a waste to throw it all away just so she can focus on her happiness.

We have a gym in our basement and one of the inspirational things she put up was “never give up”. Well, she did.

DocHolliday80 · 2023-09-18T18:06:17+00:00

Uncertainty, financially and socially. Will I have to work even more to get back in the financial safety I had? Will I be alone forever?

Loneliness, which is growing each day even now, 7 months after divorce was final. Having three dogs and a cat and a healthy amount of friends doesn’t help.

Feeling that I don’t have a purpose in life and that everything I did in the last 15 years (job, career and city choices, buying a home…) has been wrong. Regrets about lost chances.

Not finding joy in the hobbies I loved formerly, losing each of them one by one. Losing the capacity to be excited about doing things. Being in hermit mode at least 50% of time.

Being judged by gossipy people, divorced people are still being looked down by some, at least in my country, old timers specially.

Well, maybe it is not that bad and I am having a bad day, but now I am feeling this way.

ww3historian · 2023-09-18T03:36:46+00:00

The worst part was negotiating with her how much money to give her. She didn’t work so all the money that was made was mine.

Throwawaysi1234 · 2023-09-18T13:05:40+00:00

So many to choose from.

I found out about her affair right at the end of January and had to secretly get the divorce complaint notarized on valentines day, then go home and pretend like I didn't know everything because she could have drained our bank accounts without the complaint going through court.

That was pretty bad. Had to also secretly go to the ER because of testicle pain that I thought might be an STI.

After explaining concerns about kidnapping, they assigned me a "chaperone" who went through my insurance app to make sure my wife wouldn't be notified of my visit.

He did not do a good job and I got 4 phone calls from my wife in 10 minutes. The intake nurse even put in the notes "patient wants an sti test because he says his wife has been unfaithful", those notes were visible in my wife's app but luckily she never saw them.

Losing half the time I'll ever spend with my son is bad. He lost half the time he would ever spend with both his mother and father which is worse.

Losing $110k in payouts and legal fees.

Hearing my wife blame me for the affair

Hearing from my lawyers that the state essentially runs on bad math when calculating child support and that it will cost me 24k over the next 16 years.

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-09-18T14:22:36+00:00

The emotional separation was the hardest. It's understood that "things" are replaceable, but there's no recapturing those intimate feelings now lost.

ontoanewjourney · 2023-09-18T14:25:47+00:00

The worst part was the reason why I had to file for divorce in the first place. No one goes into marriage to get divorced (at least no guys do that) so for me to have to break up my home and not being able to stay with my sons was the worst part

Snowbirdy · 2023-09-18T17:43:40+00:00

Having her destroy my company was the worst part, by contacting investors we were trying to raise money from. She admitted to the judge in court she was defaming me and the judge refused to do anything.

The turning point was, after she burned through two years and $300k in legal, we finally sat down for our 4th mediation. That’s when she claimed I married her for her money just to steal it from her.

Funny thing is… her net worth at separation was exactly the same as when she married me. In other words, without working for 4 years, she somehow spent $0. She did steal $150k from me (which I uncovered in forensic accounting), and then sucked down a bunch more money on the exit. The mediator pulled her aside and told her she was wasting his time, and she just needed to settle.

End of the day she outsmarted herself and accepted 96% less money than my original offer.

The second worst moment was after we had signed the settlement agreement but before we had exchanged signature pages, her lawyer tried to renegotiate the deal one more time. He backed down when we threatened to go in front of the judge.

It was a brutal and ugly process.

Basic_Advance7627 · 2023-09-18T13:56:35+00:00

Her cheating and couldn’t wrap my mind around the loss of a 27 year marriage. The pain and destruction of a family.

jimsmythee · 2023-09-18T14:05:55+00:00

The worst part was “not knowing.”

We had to go to trial. After trial, we had 2 months until the judge would make her ruling. Child custody and alimony, and assets, etc.

And in the end? I got everything in that ruling and my ex screamed for two days.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2023-09-18T15:21:20+00:00

Two things stand out

1). The uncertainty in life that was now present vs. the stable life I worked my butt off to get for my family/kids. My exw grew up in an upper class lifestyle and she has no idea what it's like to want for anything since her parents gave her and her brother everything (lesson #1, don't marry a woman like this). Now, we had to split everything, have two homes and the resulting costs vs. having EVERYTHING F*CKING paid off. It's all good, her AP makes 1/3 what I do and can't rub two pennies together, good luck buddy. Thankfully, my life isn't too impacted but still, paying back into a mortgage these days is money that could have been in our pockets and used for kids, etc.

2). Having to cohabitate for 6 months before getting a judgement and then finding a house. Thank god my lawyer was a rockstar and pushed sh1t fast! What a difference it makes to be out of that house!

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2023-09-18T18:08:22+00:00

The lies and her delusions were/are the worst. No accountability.

ciscopimp2 · 2023-09-18T18:33:54+00:00

At my church, this was the sermon, and I thought it was spot on for this thread. It talks about Karma in a sense

Luke 16:19-31.

black65Cutlass · 2023-09-18T17:16:57+00:00

The marriage...

dog_fart_tacos · 2023-09-18T17:59:03+00:00

Seeing half of everything I worked for taken away while she was able to abandon every single responsibility she ever had. She got to shed everything and had no strings left attached. I am on the hook for the next 9 years because that stupid bitch couldn't group up and get a real job.

Reflog1791 · 2023-09-18T22:21:56+00:00

Living in the same house as her after her affair was discovered. I couldn’t quite gather the nerve to leave immediately. Filing for divorce and moving out was the first step to a much improved life.

I did enjoy lying through my teeth about where I was going when I was out shagging bitches though. Giving her a taste of her own medicine isn’t something I’m proud of but getting one over on her was nice. Wouldn’t advise others to do the same.

If anything the perspective I gained was get out of the madness, divorce her, make your life better. Once I made that decision I was back to my happy go lucky ways.

GrouseyPortage · 2023-09-19T06:12:09+00:00

Initially, the biggest thing was losing the life I used to have, along with my partner who I thought was going to walk it with me. Now, I am grateful for the new life I have created and how much happier I am and will continue to be. I think a lot of the initial thoughts were caused by oneitis and truly believing she was the only one for me. After having fun living in the city with 25+ women, I found a much younger, more fit partner and moved back to the burbs. She’s now 3 months pregnant and I couldn’t be happier. Crazy how time effects perspective. I’m still healing, but a year ago I could have never imagined this. Truly grateful.

Theedon · 2023-09-19T09:27:15+00:00

The worst is the wasted money on all of it. Neither of us are any better off financially. Once her mind was made up she burned it all to the ground.

Adventurous_Big7311 · 2023-09-20T03:31:31+00:00

For me it was the thought she could flip at any moment from our agreements and go scorched earth. Even on the day of our hearing for dissolution, she almost effed up and caused it to go from uncontested to contested....almost.

Title	Those that finalized and are on the other side. Looking back what was the worst part of the whole process for you?
Author	WillyT_21
Upvotes	18
Comments	66
Date	September 18, 2023 2:26 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16ljc5j/those_that_finalized_and_are_on_the_other_side/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/those-that-finalized-and-are-on-the-other-side.1232189 https://theredarchive.com/post/1232189

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