Marriage counseling

TechnicalAd5152 · 2023-11-15T20:40:26+00:00

Ours never worked because she wanted the therapist to take her side, and she always took my side because my stbx is nuts, then she'd punish me for saying those "things" about her that were true lol

throwaway05092023 · 2023-11-15T21:03:16+00:00

My opinion is that marriage counseling only works if you both take it as a given that you will remain married. Counseling can improve the relationship between two people who want to be together. It can’t convince someone to stay who already decided to leave or is on the fence.

Awkward-Style-5696 · 2023-11-15T19:47:21+00:00

It can if you both genuinely want to try.

Be prepared that she still might be too far gone, but if you got the time, go ahead. Just continue to keep an eye on your finances.

Reflog1791 · 2023-11-15T20:17:25+00:00

My marriage counseling experiences were terrible with 2 different counselors. They made all sorts of excuses for her affair and generally pointed the finger at me. Seems common they do this when you’re the one trying to save the marriage.

Therefore if you go act like you’re the one who needs to be convinced to save the marriage.

I found an individual counselor (psychologist) who helped me immensely. It was about healthy lifestyle (drinking water, diet, getting sleep, 30 mins of hard sweating exercise per day minimum) and cooking up new ways to enjoy life. We talked about building a “life by design.”

At one point he said, “get out of there and file for divorce, anything is better than this.”

Just the advice I needed and it worked. Now I play golf and can’t be bothered by pretty much anything.

plumhands · 2023-11-15T23:58:16+00:00

I've been in counseling a year and we've made little progress because she refuses to accept any blame or acknowledge any of her faults.

rhett342 · 2023-11-15T20:56:40+00:00

It didn't work for me but only because i found out my wife is a big fat liar.

CaliDude75 · 2023-11-16T00:24:42+00:00

Spent years and thousands of dollars on counseling. If there’s not mutual and proportional effort and desire to fix things, it’s flushing money down the toilet.

I think my ex’s idea of “fixing” things was just me capitulating to all her wishes and shutting up, while she does nothing.

Agitated-Fee-6497 · 2023-11-16T00:28:12+00:00

She is already checked out....she would just be doing this for show.

ElderberrySuper3659 · 2023-11-16T02:38:21+00:00

In over 30 years I can count on one hand the number of times that she apologized or admitted she was wrong. She refused family counseling because "she's not crazy". That's when I knew we were done.

whiskey_piker · 2023-11-15T21:05:01+00:00

No it doesn’t do anything if you wait to get help until after one of you is smoked. Don’t bother is my suggestion.

SummerRound · 2023-11-15T21:25:27+00:00

2 years of marriage counseling and we are headed towards divorce. Useless unless you're actually developing an action plan for change. If it's just to talk about feelings, it will go nowhere.

Jbr74 · 2023-11-15T21:50:59+00:00

Waste of money at this point.

Speaking from experience.

Once there is animosity, it's over.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-11-15T21:30:51+00:00

WOMBAT - waste of money, brains, and time. Marriage counseling is for when problems first start, not when one person is out the door.

AirSailer · 2023-11-15T22:05:07+00:00

In counseling women want their feelings validated, men want logical solutions. Those two rarely go together. Female counselors will always cater to women, AND it's easier to validate somebody's feelings than it is to come up with a solution. So guess who walks away from sessions thinking they are right? Hint, it's not the person who wants to actually solve the problems.

Total waste of time. File for divorce, get it over with... In divorce sooner is always better than later.

tragicaddiction · 2023-11-15T23:28:25+00:00

it can work but there has to be a goal / reason for it

if the reason she wants to do marriage counselling is to validate herself that you are the problem then that isn't going to work

so the conversation should be, what do we want to get out of it.

if the sessions end up being just sessions where she complaints about all the stuff you don't do or do wrong in the relationship it's not going to be very useful.

Mangrove43 · 2023-11-16T00:21:18+00:00

Just delaying the inevitable

4rdfun · 2023-11-16T01:03:56+00:00

For me, it made it worse, basically stirred up a whole bunch of shit and then left us hanging after the session was over. Then the therapist had a one on one session with my wife and I guess they had a misunderstanding that he wouldn’t do that with both of us, so we stop seeing him and shortly there after she said she was done, but honestly, she was done for years.

I honestly wish we never tried, I was the one that pushed us there cause I wanted a better marriage. But the whole divorce process has been so hard on the kids, especially the teen, seeing how this affected him I would’ve stay in this shitty marriage for another decade.

She also wasn’t a very willing participant, plenty of motivation to bitch about things I did 15 years ago, but no motivation to heal the wounds or move forward. There is this though, at least I know I did everything I could to save the marriage, for my kids, if nothing else .

sonyshooter52 · 2023-11-16T02:46:18+00:00

Just leave her.

ramad84 · 2023-11-16T03:00:53+00:00

yes its a waste. i suffered through it for years before i realized i didnt have to go

techrmd3 · 2023-11-15T21:05:17+00:00

yes marriage counseling is a waste of money.

But, it does offer certainty that the marriage is over after trying it.

I would inquire to the wifey what does she seek to accomplish in marriage counseling. If the answer is about you, you, you and not her issues then it is a waste of time and money.

Jimbothebimbo696969 · 2023-11-15T22:40:46+00:00

Thank you everyone for all the help. I can’t respond to everyone individually, but I will say this. I agree with what everyone is saying. Counseling sounds like it’s when problems arise, not when she’s already left. While I do agree with one person about this page being biased. I also understand some have been remarried and wanted to hear what worked for them. Obviously it sounds like I am wasting my time and money if I go. I guess I have to take a hold of this mentally. Divorce to me is easier with no kids involved. Having a 10 year old and going through this, I was hoping to try and salvage the marriage in hopes of it not hurting my kid. Ultimately I need to go for myself and except the loss of my marriage

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2023-11-16T00:40:54+00:00

My ex used the “marriage counsellors” to put on a show of a “abused wife”, when in fact, she abused our eldest, mentally and physically, and myself. Also financial abuse. She is dx’d bipolar 1 and BPD. She committed infidelity multiple times. She also used them to turn all our mutual friends against me. I will never trust “marriage counsellors” again.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-11-16T00:52:13+00:00

It can if you are both truly committed to finding solutions.

Typically one party spends the whole time blaming everything on the other party and simply wants the therapist to agree with them and validate their position.

Isthisthereddits · 2023-11-16T04:21:43+00:00

I would ask whose idea the counseling was? If it was your idea I am guessing she is too far gone. I could be wrong, but once they are gone chasing them only comes across as desperation and they tend to find that even worse. If it was her idea then I think it would show strength on your part to go along with it. Either way I would spend the time mentally preparing for it to be the end. Start working on yourself and what makes you happy in life. Let any saving of the marriage be a surprise. In my situation I offered counseling early on. She had no interest, said she would do therapy on her own, she didn't really do that, she slept around, I lost all interest in her, and once that hit home for her she had a mental break down at her job. I coldly just told her my life is going well and I feel much better lately. Might be harsh, but its true. I have unapologetic control over my future. My anxiety went away, depressive moods lifted away, and I have much more confidence. I am just waiting on this all to be final in order to properly move on.

WiseLion11 · 2023-11-16T12:10:37+00:00

Marriage counselling only works if both parties are equally treated and not just because the partner wanted to vent and prove that they were in the 'right'.

Won't work.

If ultimate goal is not reconciliation but rather continuation of the same arguments then its not worth the time, mental stress and money.

Hope you decide what's best for you OP.

Take care and good luck.

One_Cartographer_465 · 2023-11-16T14:06:29+00:00

My (Ex) wife set up a counseling session with a husband / wife team of Christian counselors from our church. The short of it is, my Ex did not like the first question the husband asked (she didn't like that he asked the right question) and she jumped on him (verbally) so the wife jumped on my ex. It was a waist of time, but worth the price of admission.

potatotornado44 · 2023-11-16T18:12:04+00:00

Waste of time and money

ExpensiveRoll7436 · 2023-11-17T03:28:35+00:00

Therapists aren’t trying to fix things. They are trying to get you to come back for another session. They don’t want to make either side mad.

In my case, multiple therapists would say “what’s the problem”, then wife and I would argue. We do t need to pay a $35 co-pay and take time off of work to fight. We can do that on our own.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-11-19T13:19:13+00:00

Do you feel like you need counseling? Do you feel that what you are doing is wrong? If not then screw counseling

aquatic-dreams · 2023-11-20T02:57:07+00:00

I'm of the opinion, it's worth a try as long as the financial cost isn't very much to you. Saying she checked out two years ago, it's doubtful you reconnect but I'm a cheese ball. And if she isn't willing to do the work, you can choose to use it as a tool to get closure and help you process a lot of shit. And this could save you an insane amount of grieving, pain, self esteem hits, and frankly just time struggling. So in my opinion, would totally make it worth it. And if you two put in the work and reconnect, that's even better. Just don't go into blind or overly hopeful. But do go being willing to work. And at first she isn't going to. She'll have to see you're working on shit before she will be enticed to do the same. And after a few weeks, I would keep doing the work. But I would start using it more as exit therapy than reconnect.

Salty-Rutabaga-3329 · 2023-11-15T21:47:16+00:00

It really depends on the people and motives.

You need a therapist who teaches conflict resolution, needs, and support. You definitely do not want a referee. I think there's a natural pull to win over the therapist... which is bad.

Counseling didn't work for me. My ex started screaming at the therapist. And I mean, SCREAMING. The therapist gave me business cards for two lawyers on the spot. Wish I were kidding. I'd imagine she drums up a lot of business if she has cards on tap like that. I didn't trust the therapist after that. We switched. Didn't matter. Counseling still failed.

But it's still worth a shot. Divorce is nuking from orbit. It is insanely overpowered and destructive.

krazykanuck · 2023-11-15T22:28:50+00:00

I recommend it, even though the resolution to our marriage counseling was ending it. It helped me tremendously in understanding my role and some of my issues. It also helped me understand what a good relationship needs and how far we were away. The way my counsellor described it is, he works for the relationship so he doesn’t pick sides. Inevitably you end up arguing you side in the session and he would steer us back to what matter and helped us understand a path forward.

DeadliftsDonuts · 2023-11-15T22:17:44+00:00

Just going to point this out - isn't this forum likely going to be pretty biased that marriage counseling isn't going to work? Majority have been through divorce so they either didn't try it or it probably didn't work. I'm still together and trying to give it a chance, but I imagine there are plenty of people who stayed together who may tell you it was helpful.

No-Shirt-484 · 2023-11-16T03:16:01+00:00

Saw many counselors. None of the women counselors were any good. Had a great male counselor. He was balanced and she hated him. She finally asked for a Korean American counselor (female) who helped me realize that female on male abuse was a normal part of Korean culture. That’s when I decided to get out.

Brown33470 · 2023-11-16T00:45:41+00:00

rolling_downhill_fd · 2023-11-16T00:51:19+00:00

I mean, it isn't magic. What you get varies enormously between practitioners. It also depends entirely on both parties being open to seeing things differently to how they have before. It is quite possible to do it for years and get nowhere if one or both of you aren't willing to take risks and say and listen to hard things. If you're both just going to fold your arms and recite your grievances, don't waste your money.

You're attempting it pretty late, and after it's gotten pretty bad. I don't know you, but from this distance I'd guess the odds are against you.

Repulsive_Web8331 · 2023-11-16T12:24:43+00:00

Listen, whether it works or not doesn’t matter. If you have some desire to save your marriage you need to try therapy. It may not work, but at least you’ll know. I couldn’t stand the thought of wondering still a year down the road what would have happened if you tried. For me, this is the time I have to leave it all out on the field, for me. I can’t leave myself with any doubts or what ifs.

South_Masterpiece543 · 2023-11-17T00:31:17+00:00

Have your wife watch The Happy Wife School YouTube channel.

6TenHaze · 2023-11-17T12:48:25+00:00

Marriage counseling is only good if you go before there are problems. But a lot of folks (myself included) go after the relationship is a sneeze away from destruction. The issue with marriage counseling when going that late in the game is once your counselor plays it even calls it right down the middle, more often than not your STBXW will grow more resentful. It helps with the blowback of ending marriage because you get to see that you’re not insane. This is ONLY if you have a decent counselor which is rare.

ElderberrySuper3659 · 2023-11-27T09:25:30+00:00

When mine started alienating my children I suggested family therapy so we could work through things with a referee. Her response? "I'm not crazy" :l

Title	Marriage counseling
Author	Jimbothebimbo696969
Upvotes	12
Comments	63
Date	November 15, 2023 7:21 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17w1ddn/marriage_counseling/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/marriage-counseling.1238563 https://theredarchive.com/post/1238563

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