Is she a tease or are your feelings just hurt?

thisaccountaintrea1 · 2023-11-24T01:27:58+00:00

The way I see it, approaching a woman at the bar and offering to buy her a drink is like buying a raffle ticket- maybe I’ll win something, but I probably won’t. If I find the risk of not getting a return on my investment unacceptable, I won’t buy a raffle ticket.

Either way, when I would approach a woman at a bar/club, I would always start with something like “So is your boyfriend here with you tonight?” If she says “Yes” or “No”, then I know not to waste time/money on her. If she says “I’m actually single”, then I would respond with faux shock about how “it’s weird that a girl as pretty as you isn’t taken.” Actually had a decent success rate with this!

Steakman1 · 2023-11-23T21:35:34+00:00

So it took me 15 minutes to find out she wasn’t interested? That’s my own fault. I should of at least flirted a little bit before to see how she reacted. If I tried flirting earlier and the interest was reciprocated, and then she rejected me, I would think either I screwed up later on in the conversation, she’s screwing with me to get free drinks, or she’s socially unaware and doesn’t realize she’s being flirty back or what the implications are of accepting a drink from a guy she just met.

Either way, I wouldn’t be mad, just disappointed. Maybe I would be a little annoyed as well depending on which conclusion I come to. But it’s not as though we had been seeing each other for a month or that she has an obligation to me because I bought her a drink. So I don’t see why I would have a reason to be mad.

Typical_Samaritan · 2023-11-24T00:50:46+00:00

Do you know why a lot of women use "I have a boyfriend"?

It stops the guy from having to ask why she doesn't want him. And it allows her to exit the conversation without having to explain why she's not--or no longer--interested and navigate the potential pitfalls of dealing with unhealthy men.

For every dude who will say "No doubt, thanks for the conversation and I hope you have a nice evening" when a woman says no, there's another dude who's going to ask her why, or what he did wrong, or get hot and aggressive over being rejected. And she has no fucking idea which version of that guy you're going to be.

Because both of you presented yourselves in similar ways at the beginning of the conversation. Jovial. Humorous. Well intended.

Nobody's time was wasted. At some point between the approach and "Can I have your number?", she lost interest.

4SSh01e · 2023-11-23T21:28:45+00:00

Let's look at it this way, you are a hetero man at a quiet pub, a very gay presenting man sits next to you and makes a funny quip, he offers to buy you a drink. You know what the implications of buying a drink for a stranger you met 2 mins ago mean, since you have no interest in fucking him, you politely decline. Had it been so that you were hitting it off for half an hour or so like two long lost friends then you might consider a friendly gesture but straight up offer to buy a drink is just an expression of sexual/romantic interest, and since you are a decent person and not interested in reciprocating the sexual/romantic interest, you would decline the offer.

As a man, I find it very weird that there are women (or people in general) who accept freebies like that despite knowing that they come strings attached. Like going on dinner date with a guy, finding that you have no interest in seeing him any further, and not offering to split the bill. The only people I would let pay for me are those who I can repay in some form or are close friends/family/partner.

jamesa7171 · 2023-11-23T22:05:17+00:00

Depends. When the guy offers the drink, is it obvious that he has romantic intentions?

If yes, then accepting the drink is inappropriate. If you know you're going to reject him then do it now, don't accept his advances until you get something out of it and then reject him afterwards. It's fair for the guy to feel used.

If no, then accepting the drink is fine, the guy has no grounds to complain about anything, and he should appreciate the conversation that was had.

BringMeThePopcorn · 2023-11-23T21:37:24+00:00

She obviously used you for a drink

macone235 · 2023-11-23T22:41:35+00:00

Yes. I'd also be mad that she disrespected her boyfriend (if he is real) by accepting a drink from another man.

Wattehfok · 2023-11-24T01:31:07+00:00

I’d probably be slightly bummed - I might have thought we were hitting it off and got proved wrong; but I definitely wouldn’t be mad.

A nice lil chat with someone is never a waste of time tho. I’d appreciate that bit.

SlowEffective8146 · 2023-11-24T02:59:10+00:00

Yes I'm mad, why would she accept the drink if she's unavailable? This is the type of shit that makes men stop buying drinks for women. Then everyone just loses. This is toxic behavior.

Turbulent-Tonight975 · 2023-11-24T05:21:34+00:00

If she actually has a boyfriend, I call foul because nobody who does not live underground would mistake a guy offering to buy a woman a drink anything other than showing romantic intent. IF she has a parter, she is clearly not acting in good faith by leading him on that she is single by letting him buy the drink when she 100% knows he is showing interest and also 100% knows that telling him she has a boyfriend will not get her the free drink.

If she doesn't have a boyfreind then I also call foul because her lie is going to upset the guy because his reasonable expectation would have been for her to tell him this WHEN he was offering the drink. If she no longer has interest, she can make up some other excuse about feeling nauseous or having to meet a friend or something.

wtknight · 2023-11-23T21:46:26+00:00

Yeah, I’d be a little upset. She should probably inform me about her boyfriend right away. Of course, maybe she’s making him up and just as using it as an excuse to stop talking to me.

But I wouldn’t be too upset and wouldn’t verbally lash out at her. Buying a drink for a woman is a gamble for a guy. Sometimes it’s just not going to pay off, and men need to realize that.

KayRay1994 · 2023-11-23T23:04:26+00:00

The drink offer should’ve been a dead giveaway that his intent was romantic, even then, most times guys only approach random women in bars with a certain intention in mind, and when a drink is offered, that’s 100% the case - to not only accept the drink, but keep talking is wrong on her to begin with. She should’ve led with “no thanks, I have a boyfriend” once the drink was offered.

I really do think the drink offer is the difference maker here though, ie. if a drink isn’t offered and they just talk, she could just straight up see it as a good conversion and that’s that (even if it not the most likely thing) - but the drink offer is straight up contextualizing the interaction.

That being said, there is always a chance that she accepted the drink with the intent of doing more, then as she convo went on she wasn’t feeling it. Given that they just met, and even if the convo went well, when it comes to meeting in these spots decisions kinda have to be quick, so really you can’t give time for attraction to build. “I have a boyfriend” is sadly usually the only way to get guys to stop trying though, so whether she has one or not is almost irreverent.

Moral of the story? ladies, don’t accept a drink from a guy if you actually have a boyfriend or if you’re genuinely not interested - gentleman, if she says no, don’t try to wear her down, just take it and move on with your day.

AbsolutelyNobody0 · 2023-11-23T23:43:18+00:00

The hypothetical reality where I have my current thought processes and took those actions don't exist.

That being said, I would be annoyed. Either because she lied about having a boyfriend or because she's out of line for going to a bar solo and flirting with a guy and accepting a drink when she's not single.

babazuki · 2023-11-23T21:24:18+00:00

A woman alone at a bar. A woman alone at a bar who has a boyfriend.

I'm an alcoholic. This doesn't happen.

She's a prostitute or a cop undercover as a prostitute or she's also an alcoholic.

Make a realistic scenario.

OtPayOkerSmay · 2023-11-23T22:35:44+00:00

Put yourself in the man's shoes. Here is this woman, alone at a bar. She is very receptive to chat and is open to non-platonic advances (accepting the drink). So far so good. Conversation is starting to get stale, so you go for the close and get a "No. I have a boyfriend."

You were called a tease because you are one. You tell him you have a boyfriend when he offers to buy you a drink.

mods_have_small_ween · 2023-11-23T21:27:48+00:00

She either wasted your time for validation, or you failed to make a connection so she let you down easy.

You mentioned action things. How about body language? Thats probably the best indicator of actual interest.

JDWhiz96 · 2023-11-23T21:39:30+00:00

I'd be pissed because not only did I waste time, I wasted both that AND money. All to prop a bitchy woman's ego without anything in return.

If it were just flirtation I wouldn't be mad, both parties had their time wasted equally. But men almost always expend more money than the woman during courting.

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Fun_Push7168 · 2023-11-23T23:39:10+00:00

I wouldn't buy a drink so that part is a non starter.

Otherwise.. whatever. I don't focus on outcomes I focus on having a fun interaction.

If I had a fun interaction then great.

As for her, without the drink part, same. With it, oh she was mostly just getting freebies, she knew what was up. She got both a fun interaction (or she would have bailed with the drink in hand) and a free drink, win win.

SeveralLiterature980 · 2023-11-24T02:23:36+00:00

Well rookie moves all around. The fact that there's no attempt to touch or kiss you're in the dark. The fact that you asked for a number in a bar rather than try to gun it and run it, too.

social_mule · 2023-11-24T23:27:44+00:00

Can we first acknowledge that the fictional character in your story doesn't actually have a boyfriend? Let's begin there.

How would I respond? I'm sorry, I won't bother you again then walk away.

Title	Is she a tease or are your feelings just hurt?
Author	im_a_little_teap0t
Upvotes	0
Comments	195
Date	November 23, 2023 8:58 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/182arb7/is_she_a_tease_or_are_your_feelings_just_hurt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-she-a-tease-or-are-your-feelings-just-hurt.1239187 https://theredarchive.com/post/1239187

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