What are your go to jokes?

Phaint · 2012-09-23T18:14:11+00:00

I came here expecting way more jokes like the OP's with a sexual undertone. I think the OP was expecting the same.

Bushydo · 2012-09-23T23:38:08+00:00

[permanently deleted]

realneil · 2012-09-23T23:34:38+00:00

Q - What does a woman say after 14 orgasms?

A - Thanks Neil

musicalsora · 2012-09-23T09:59:42+00:00

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table.

imstillhereok · 2012-09-23T16:01:33+00:00

Whale Joke. All about delivery:

Two whales walk into a bar and sit next to each other. First whale turns to the bartender and says, "WoooooommmmmmaaAAAAmamNWWwNIWiooOOOoo."

Second whale turns to the first whale and says, "Frank, you're drunk."

TheSicilianDude · 2012-09-23T15:50:02+00:00

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"We better perk up, otherwise people are gonna think we're nuts!"

combatko · 2012-09-23T17:38:05+00:00

An old, leather-skinned cowboy is taking care of his horses one morning. After slowly feeding and brushing them, he begins mucking the stalls, and barely avoids stepping on a frog. He stiffly bends over and picks it up to move it out of danger when it pipes up in a sweet feminine voice: "Kind old man, I am a magic frog. If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful (and very open) princess. We can get married and spend our time doing whatever you like for the rest of your life."

The oldster ruminates for a moment, and then carefully puts the frog into his shirt pocket, picks up his shovel and resumes mucking the stall. "Did you hear me, kind sir? If you kiss me..."

He politely interjects, "Ma'am, I heard ya jess fine, and you do have a gorgeous voice. But I'm 85. At my age... I'd be better off with a talking frog."

TheFNG · 2012-09-23T15:55:21+00:00

[permanently deleted]

fuzzball90 · 2012-09-23T15:04:41+00:00

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

I can't make a vitamin.

IlikeJG · 2012-09-23T09:47:01+00:00

...I am stealing this joke.

lounsbery · 2012-09-23T16:59:53+00:00

jcroucher56 · 2012-09-23T17:42:32+00:00

A father and his son decide to go on a fishing trip. About an hour into the trip, the father asks his son to reach over and hand him a cigar. The son asks, "hey, dad. Can I have a cigar?" To which the father replies, "can your dick touch your ass?" Confused, the son says, "no." And the father replies, "then no you cannot."

Later on, the father asks his son to reach over and grab him a beer. "Hey, dad. Can I have one?" Again, the father replies, "can your dick touch your ass?" Groaning, the son answers, "no..." And his father say, "then there's your answer."

Not too long after, the father sees his son eating a brownie. The dad says, "hey, why don't you hand me a brownie there, son." The son answers with, "can your dick touch your ass?" The dad, thinking he's all badass, replies, "you're goddamn right!" So the son replies, "then go fuck yourself."

LunaArc · 2012-09-23T18:08:46+00:00

A girl was feeling unwell so her family took her to the doctor's office. The doctor asks the girl, "How are you feeling today?" The girl replied, "Not too well doctor, and I'll have you know obesity runs in my family.

The doctor took a good look at the girl and said, "No, no one runs in your family."

fernguts · 2012-09-23T20:51:49+00:00

(Mine's a limerick:)

There once was a chappie from Kent

Whose cock was so long that it bent.

In order to screw,

He had to fold it in two,

So instead of coming, he went!

RThockey437 · 2012-09-23T18:00:50+00:00

its in Zach Galfianakis early stand up but you go "wanna hear my impression of a gay snake?" then just add a really exaggerated lisp to a long hiss

MrP3rfect · 2012-09-23T14:16:01+00:00

Why do women watch porn till the end? They think that there will me a wedding.

eyeothemastodon · 2012-09-23T22:10:52+00:00

I usually like the short, dumb jokes to share, but if I want to take more time and lord the group this is my favorite, ask each question and give em a chance to guess:

How do you kill a blue elephant? ... With a blue elephant gun, of course. How do you kill a pink elephant? ... Well you'd think it would be a pink elephant gun, but really you just hold his trunk until he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun. How do you hide an elephant? ... Paint his toenails red and put him up in a cherry tree. Don't think it works? Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? How did Tarzan die? Pickin' cherries.

Kills em every time :)

jfentonnn · 2012-09-23T13:12:30+00:00

Hey, what's the difference between jelly and jam?

You can't jelly your dick up a girl's ass.

GreatName · 2012-09-23T15:03:27+00:00

What do vegetarian zombies say?

Graaiiiiiins

farmerzach · 2012-09-23T17:13:19+00:00

What do hookers and bungy jumping have in common? Both will cost you $100 and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

Eddib · 2012-09-23T20:08:24+00:00

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid last night.

MorphineSmile · 2012-09-23T18:58:06+00:00

What did one tampon say to the other? NOTHING! They're both stuck up cunts.

FUCKING_IRONIC_NAME · 2012-09-23T13:40:12+00:00

A man walks into a bar. His increasing alcoholism is ruining the lives of his wife and children.

The trick here is self-amusement. I usually put this out there, wait a couple seconds for that signature "omg he didn't just say that" reaction, then start laughing - this usually gets me a playful punch from my target. This is that "so mean" game that really is the epitome of outcome independence. Here's what it looks like when done best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImcnIGvd1Do (I apologize for the terrible quality, this was the only clip I could find)

GDCbruh · 2012-09-23T18:27:56+00:00

What's similar between a turtle and an eagle?

They can both fly except for the turtle.

ihateyouguys · 2012-09-23T11:43:15+00:00

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thekidx · 2012-09-23T15:21:45+00:00

I feel the funniest and most useful jokes are the witty comments and not with the lame funs.

the_hypotenuse · 2012-09-23T12:34:42+00:00

I always try and work impersonations into my jokes. It doesnt even matter if the punchline is funny or not if you do a good impersonation.

blackfox026 · 2012-09-23T15:35:37+00:00

...and then Zeus said to Narcissus, "Hey, watch yourself"

_Foxtrot_ · 2012-09-23T18:29:37+00:00

I have three, all self made:

Q: How does Hitler shoot a ray gun?

A: pronounced phonetically "jew jew jew"

Q: What did one electron say to the other?

A: Are you into bondage?

Q: What do you call a pop star with a black eye?

A: Chris Brown's latest hit.

These probably aren't good for seduction, unless you're going for the nerdy/holocaust enthusiast who enjoys a good beating from her man.

[EDIT] Formatting

CaspianCobalt · 2012-09-23T21:56:47+00:00

My go-to jokes are puns. You know, the basics.

There was a hole in the nudist colony wall-the police are looking into it.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I couldn't figure out why the boomerang was getting bigger, and then it came back to me.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own? It was two-tired.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

When William joined the army, he particularly disliked the term "fire at will."

I relish the fact that you've mustard enough strength to ketchup to me.

...I think they're funny.

readsyouruserhistory · 2012-09-23T15:26:11+00:00

This is probably the best joke I know to consistently get a laugh out of people. It has never failed me once.

One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest. As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the heroin, then back at the Rabbit, and then threw the needle away. The two then proceeded to run though the forest.

While running through the forest they came upon a sheep. This sheep was about to smoke a joint. The rabbit looked at he sheep for a moment and then said, "Sheep, don't smoke pot. Pot is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest.

The sheep looked at the rabbit, then at the joint, then back at the rabbit, and then threw the joint away. The three then proceeded to run through the forest.

The three then stumbled upon a tiger. This tiger was about to crack open a cold beer. The rabbit looked at the tiger for a second and then said, "Tiger, don't drink alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest!"

The Tiger then looked at the rabbit, then at the beer, then back at the rabbit, and then cracked open the beer and carefully placed it on the ground next to him. He then proceeded to slowly walk over to the rabbit, lifted his paw up, and then mauled the shit out of the rabbit. After he was done he slowly walked back to the beer, picked it up and started drinking it.

The giraffe and the sheep were shocked. The giraffe looked at the tiger and said, "Dude!!! What the fuck? He was just trying to help you!!! Why did you hurt him?"

The tiger slowly looked at the giraffe and then said, "Because every time that rabbit does cocaine I end up running through the fucking forest!!!"

Here is another

A man is in the restroom of a bar taking a piss. He looks down to the urinal next to him and sees a short man in a green suit taking a piss. This little guy has the absolutely largest dick that the man has ever seen. The man is absolutely shocked.

He says to the little man, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice that you have an absolutely massive dick for such a small person."

The little man looks up and says, "Well of course I do, all leprechauns do!"

The man is even more shocked now, "Wait you're a fuckin' leprechaun?!"

The little man responds, "Yeah! I can even grant you one wish, but there is a catch. If you want the wish you need to let me fuck you in the ass."

The man thinks for a second and agrees. Who wouldn't agree? Anything you wanted for getting fucked in the ass just once.

So they move to a stall, the little man jumps up on the toilet, and they start fucking. The little guy really starts giving it to him.

After a while the little man asks, "Oh by the way, how old are ye?"

"35"

"Wow 35 years old and you still be believe in leprechauns!!!"

SeriousBusiness12 · 2012-09-23T18:06:57+00:00

What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted some ice cream? Sherbet.

Jackiedees · 2012-09-25T04:16:49+00:00

OP is a big time faggot. Deletes his joke after everyone realized his joke is awesome. Wants it all to himself

demonshalo · 2012-09-23T10:59:02+00:00

how many blonds can fit on a chair?

answer: 4, you just have to flip the chair upside down!

gigglemax · 2012-09-23T14:23:35+00:00

A drum kit falls down a cliff. Ba dum pish

MeanwhileInAmerica · 2012-09-23T20:32:03+00:00

What did the Egg say to the boilingpot of water?

You expect me to get hard? I just got laid!

st1dge · 2012-09-23T22:53:49+00:00

A lot of jokes in this thread are copied from this thread and it is full of other gems:

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/zrotp/whats_the_best_clean_joke_you_know/

Also, this one for less 'clean' jokes

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/oxx1k/whats_your_goto_joke/

chubbsatwork · 2012-09-24T01:44:13+00:00

References to a ridiculous conversation, usually the first we have. If you make the first conversation incredibly ridiculous, you'll have material for quite a while, and it'll create an inside joke feel. Works wonders.

Instinctlol · 2012-12-06T02:37:16+00:00

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bennihana123 · 2012-09-23T18:20:51+00:00

A man is working the night shift at a grocery store when an old woman comes up to him and asks where the broccoli is.

He realizes they just sold out of broccoli, so he tells her "I'm sorry ma'am, it looks like we're sold out. We'll have some first thing in the morning though." The woman nods her head and continues to look at the produce.

A few minutes later the man feels someone tapping on his shoulder. It's the old woman. Again she asks him where the broccoli is. He says "Again, I'm sorry, but we're all sold out. We should have a bunch of broccoli when we open tomorrow morning though." The woman goes back to her shopping.

A couple of minutes after that, the woman returns, livid and red in the face. "Where is the broccoli?!" she demands.

The man takes a deep breath to compose himself, then asks her "How do you spell 'dog', as in 'dogmatic'?"

She replies "D-O-G".

He says "Good, now how do you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophic'?"

She answers "C-A-T".

He says "Great! Now how do you spell 'fuck' as in 'broccoli'?"

The woman is confused. "There is no 'fuck' in 'broccoli'.

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

MorphineSmile · 2012-09-24T07:48:02+00:00

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson raped little boys.

(Hey! I'm one of the biggest MJ fans! Chill out and appreciate humor for what it is!)

Pwnto · 2012-09-23T17:17:54+00:00

Why did the chicken cross the road?...

Ya, I'm bad with jokes...

AntiCamper · 2012-09-23T19:25:57+00:00

How do you kill a circus.

You go for the juggler.

funkmasterfelix · 2012-09-24T02:36:31+00:00

i like the untied-shoe or something-on-your-shirt fakeout. also "you've got some updog on your shirt" (what's updog? chillin yo, how you livin?)

nuggetdust · 2012-09-24T06:01:42+00:00

what is the difference between jam and jelly? i can't jelly my dick into your ass

shenanigins · 2012-09-24T08:10:24+00:00

There's an episode of 'Psych' that I take my jokes from, make them from (?). It's the episode that they go to Canada. Shawn walks up to Jules and says, "You know, contrary to popular belief, Bigfoot is only a size 10" (something along those lines). So, I like to make off comments such as that, that are also relevant. Random observations with a stretched truth. If someone is doing something ridiculous, "believe it or not, this is actually his first time doing 'thing'".

If you're talking to a girl and jokes come up and you start telling each other them, then awesome. Other wise I find them to be really random and awkward. The way I do it usually flows into a conversation. Plus I have a terrible memory and usually screw up the joke, haha.

chubbsatwork · 2012-09-23T17:13:32+00:00

[permanently deleted]

DerogatoryPanda · 2012-09-23T19:17:30+00:00

Q. What is brown and sticky?

A. A Stick

Q. What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A. A carrot

Q. What do you call a woman who will have sex for italian food?

A. A Pastatute (like prostitute)

Q. What do you call a fake noodle?

A. An impasta (like imposter)

Basically quick corny jokes.

trust_the_skinnychef · 2012-09-23T23:42:10+00:00

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

xcd11 · 2012-09-24T00:58:27+00:00

Why did the fat kid cross the road? .. To lose weight. Stolen from Jonah Hill

Saandman · 2012-09-23T21:13:43+00:00

Good stuff

budguy68 · 2012-09-23T13:07:49+00:00

What did tigerwoods have better than Diana? A better driver :P

joculator · 2012-09-23T13:42:45+00:00

two peanuts are walking down the street... one was raped and sodomized.

gocougs11 · 2012-09-23T18:28:06+00:00

Q: What's more fun than swinging a dead baby around on a tether pole?

A: Stopping it with a shovel.

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of bowling balls?

A: I can't unload a pile of bowling balls from my truck with a pitchfork.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?

A: Take your foot of it's head.

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

A: The baby in my trunk.

Yeah, these are horrible for picking up chicks. My girlfriend digs them though. She's a keeper.

ThePhenix · 2012-09-24T00:16:53+00:00

Wow. This is good/

DubJ13 · 2012-09-24T00:26:46+00:00

What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.

the_brick_attack · 2012-09-24T00:33:55+00:00

I'm not sure if it's a joke, seeing how I'm still trying to understand the whole concept: "When in Rome."

ProfessorTesla · 2012-09-24T01:05:03+00:00

If I find out a girl is jewish I always tell her this joke: What is a jewish american princess's (JAP's) favorite position? Facing Bloomingdales

AntiShark · 2012-09-24T01:49:01+00:00

Why are Mormons Anti-Gay? Because if you can talk someone into becoming a Mormon you can probably talk them into sucking your cock.

ropasusia · 2012-09-24T04:13:43+00:00

A priest and a rabbi walk up to a playground where a bunch of kids are playing. The priest says, "I would love to fuck those kids," and the rabbi asks, "Out of what?"

zZPPBTOZz · 2012-09-23T13:43:29+00:00

Not a joke but this has worked for me several times. They ask "so, what are you doing?" and I reply "watching porn :D" and there are 2 possible outcomes. She freaks out, in which case you tell her "I'm joking...with this much homework/work I don't even have time for that" thus ensuring you are a responsible fella. Or she tells you that she likes porn too and sends you her favorite video.

Well for me those have been the outcomes and I end up getting them to send me some awesome pics.

BrindleKindle · 2012-09-23T18:32:16+00:00

Love these types of threads. Thanks OP.

lt_hindu · 2012-09-24T02:38:43+00:00

This actually got me laid last Thursday:

You know vaginas are honestly disgusting. Their factories down there with all this stuff going on. Guys on the other hand are clean. You know why guys are clean down there?

Because you never know when your going to get a surprised blowjob?

Her response was how would you like one right now. I said." well I sure am clean down there"

2012-09-23T21:56:07+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Exis007 · 2012-09-23T19:01:24+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	What are your go to jokes?
Author	Bushydo
Upvotes	469
Comments	286
Date	September 23, 2012 8:50 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/10c3sa/what_are_your_go_to_jokes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/what-are-your-go-to-jokes.1339965 https://theredarchive.com/post/1339965

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