28 years old female virgin

Devilsinthedownvotes · 2017-11-29T15:15:47+00:00

Therapist

TonyDAbsolute · 2017-11-29T21:28:13+00:00

"Im a girl!"

Post goes #1 on Seddit.

Here's my advice to the op: Sex Therapist, online dating, two glasses of wine.

Acypha · 2017-11-29T19:17:36+00:00

Rip your inbox. Goodluck

96AntMaster69 · 2017-11-29T16:59:04+00:00

I’m not a expert, but I’d just say go out of your comfort zone a little and try to have these “sexual” talks that you shut down. You don’t have to have sex with these people just become comfortable about the idea of discussing it. Also, You don’t need to feel pressured to lose your virginity, wait until you’re ready. If you’re already ready, we’ll just go for it. Either way it’s your decision...

jackzander · 2017-11-29T18:51:45+00:00

but in my case the problem lies with me and there is nothing I can do about it

This entire subreddit is dedicated to changing who you are and what you do in order to have a more fulfilling life.

But... you have to want it.
If you can't accept that change is healthy, possible, and achievable, you'll live life simply treating symptoms.

Madhax47 · 2017-11-29T17:14:17+00:00

Do you still think sex is bad? It's not. It's the most natural instinct ever, like pooping. You don't have to talk to a guy about sex if you don't want to. Just talk about what you want. Also you have to put pressure on yourself. I know everyone tells you to take it easy and don't do anything you want. That doesn't work. I know that from experience. If you always do what you are comfortable with you just stagnate there. That's why there are so few who are really successful. It's hard and frustrating to push yourself. BUT, if you want change you have to go for it. Don't just go full in. Start slowly. Probably touch a guys arm or hold his hand. Go a bit further every time.

nolimitnova · 2017-11-29T15:23:39+00:00

Online dating will get you an abundance of opportunities. You're going to have to break out of your comfort zone a little. If you go on a date and have a good time, show a few signs that you're interested (eye contact, smile, say, "you're cute" or something if he is) and don't analyze the situation too intensely. If he leads you into a kiss, just go for it. Try to enjoy the feeling in the moment. This doesn't mean you should feel pressured to go all the way just yet. If you want your first time to be with someone you care about then focus on dating/relationship and escalate from there. The good news is if you're an attractive girl, you will eventually get what you want so long as you try.

sk07ch · 2017-11-29T21:15:47+00:00

I'd suggest dancing classes to just get used to be touched by the opposite sex in a way that is supposed to be respectful yet often gets on the border to being slightly sexual. Further most men that are willing to go to dancing classes are rather the respectful kind. If after many sessions you feel comfortable getting touched. A very important psychological border is overcome. Next step is to get more on dates obviously and get more comfortable.

Obviously it's a hit and miss with the guys as there are many kind. Being more open about your situation helps filtering further and builds trust.

urbangentlman · 2017-11-29T21:05:42+00:00

You wanna have fun but don't want to go outside.

You want to play sports but don't want to sweat.

You want to go to the beach but don't want to get wet.

See where I am going with this? I understand your upbringing and you seem like you are onto an issue that you have internally that needs resolving. I listen to a lot of Gary Vee and one thing he always hammers home is that YOU are 100% in charge of your life. I'd sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself to find out what it is you want. Do you want to have sex and get that feeling over with? Do you want a lasting relationship?

As others have said, consider talking to a professional who can adequately help you through this. Best of luck.

gjvoicegj · 2017-11-29T22:13:57+00:00

You need to get laid and it will change your state of mind! Not a joke!

saito200 · 2017-11-29T22:28:57+00:00

I am not in your situation nor I feel particularly able to help you, but if I can add my 2 pennies I will say that I was quite shy to talk about sex a few years ago, and despite wanting sex, I felt quite uncomfortable and awkward when it came to any kind of sexuality, even kissing.

Now I don't have this problem.

I solved it by acknowledging that if I was going to go through that, I was going to have to go through some bad moments, and I was going to accept and take that. In a way, it is as if I just forced myself to do it despite my inner doubts and excuses, and then things got better, and I quickly improved and I stopped being shy about it.

So I would say take it sort of as a prescription from the doctor, when he tells you to drink a medicine whose taste you don't like, but that will make you good. Just do it even if you feel you will not like it, that is just a feeling, think of it as a learning experience, if you may.

As others said, you have to get out of your comfort zone. There's no magic pill.

At the very end, you will have to just do it even if it feels bad at the beginning. Anything else is just you going around.

Take this advice with a grain of salt as I am far from sure that it can work for you

uniquan · 2017-11-29T22:34:27+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate somehow.

badabinglove · 2017-11-29T22:52:21+00:00

Sex is not gross or disgusting. It is a beautiful act. A recognition of our vulnerability in he infinite. What's more romantic than two people sharing the intimacy of literally being joined as one....and in this crazy world I can't think of a place that beats that. Like others have said you may need therapy but at a minimum you need to question your perspective on sexual activity.

retardednihilist · 2017-11-29T23:40:04+00:00

your story was the exact same case for my girlfriend. i have tons of things to say, and thats why i felt lazy now but all i can say is that you are an extremely insecure individual. you are not insecure just about ur sexuality, but also on your personality. im guessing people around you would describe you as a confident/brave woman, but you are not. work on that. you’ll have sex when you find a guy that you trust.

CaptainCassowary · 2017-11-30T00:43:27+00:00

Wow, sis, I could've written this. I relate to this all the way down to the Muslim upbringing and trust issues without heartbreak. Have you been to r/exmuslim? It's incredible how the culture messes with our ability to have normal relationships.

I'm trying to deal with it with baby steps too and have improved over the years (i used to have trouble even speaking to guys). So it's partially about finding a guy who is compatible with you and who will also be okay with taking things really, really slow. Hard, but not impossible. Stay hopeful.

Another part of it is the 'fake it till you make it' strategy. Fake the confidence, practise talking about sex and relationships with your girl friends until you become confident. I'm still working on being able to talk about sex with guys. Currently I kind of clam up whenever it's mentioned or whenever someone flirts with me in a sexual way. You can also practise talkung about sex with guys over text or with strangers online before graduating to face-to-face chats.

I also agree with the therapy option, there's nothing shameful about it. I know this might not seem like a big enough deal but think of it as an investment towards a healthy and fulfilling relationship. A lot of Muslim cultures basically set their girls up for a life of abuse from their husband so it's incredibly helpful to work through the crap with an outsider. Destroy the shitty beliefs we got from our culture and build better foundations.

Feel free to PM me to talk more. It's nice to meet a buddy who's going through the same thing.

Lazy_Spiral · 2017-11-29T19:47:37+00:00

If you look back a couple of pages in my post history you'll see that I recently lost it. I understand some of your situation and well will offer any help I can if you feel like pm'ing me.

_0neTwo_ · 2017-11-29T16:26:34+00:00

I think you should be pretty upfront about this with anyone you start dating and like. For most guys, we would be confused and put off if you pushed us away from making a move after thinking that you liked us romantically. Open and honest communication will be key in all relationships but especially so for you in the beginning of dating someone. A major reason why people often stop dating is because of differing expectations. If a guy likes you and thinks you're into him, he's going to think that you too want to escalate physically/sexually so when you stop him, he might be put off without knowing this background about yourself.

Ok here's a little plan for you:

1) Find a guy worthwhile
2) Set expectations - be upfront and honest about your background
3) Get comfortable enough to kiss - vulnerability, vulnerability, vulnerability. You just shared something deep and showed vulnerability to him. Shape the conversation so that he can then share something deep he too is vulnerable about. When he shares, try to create a connection to his and this will create a deeper connection between you. That deeper connection will foster that feeling of "closeness" and you'll be more comfortable (possibly even turned on) around him.
4) Git gud at kissing - practice practice practice. This too will help you feel more comfortable to move to the next step
5) Step 4 but with less/no clothing. Make it clear it's not going to be sex upfront but you should continue getting comfortable being sexual
6) Profit. Just kidding. As you continue to be more comfortable, explore and push your sexual boundaries at your own pace.
Backup plan: get drunk with a close friend and practice kissing. If no close friend is available come to Boston, you would not be the first female I had to teach to kiss haha

SigmaBusiness · 2017-11-29T23:50:45+00:00

You know this is one of the most interesting posts I have seen in a while. Going off on what others have said, when you STOP guys who are bringing up "sex", or anything related, they will mostly think that you are not interested in them. They will just STOP. If you can't even TALK about sex, then how are you going to have sex? <- thoughts that goes thru the guy.

You said that you are uncomfortable in these situations. Well, guys who are decent w/ girls CAN SEE you feeling that way during interactions. (You are probably coming across as a person who wants to get the emotional support without giving anything in return to the guy, although you obviously like SEX. If I was interacting with you, I would think that you are someone who wants to have sex AFTER marriage and the GUYS will leave you because of this...Some guys WILL stay, don't get me wrong, but many WILL LEAVE.)

You also have to realize that IT IS mostly the GUY'S job to make the girl comfortable in sex and stuff. I am not saying you should make yourself easy. However, if the guy thinks that he can't sleep with you and be "normal", he won't even try imo because if he is a high-value person, he can just go out for next couple weeks and get a new girl, or have girls CHASING THEM in social circles, right?

It's like, why would I invest in months or even years to become close with a girl that I am not even sure that I will get sex, a good relationship out of it? Man are also taking risks when going into relationships or even having sex with the girl, you know?

At least I don't try these days like that. I have had some virgin girls who were in early 20s and I have slept with them within first several dates, about 20 hours of face-time spend throughout about two weeks or so.

A lot of guys don't want to wait like 3~6months to have sex because that means that he is going to get friend zoned and he doesn't know if he will be able to come out or not. lol

I guess you can have male friends and know them for a long-time if that is what you want AND then have sex with them. Some of them will manifest their interest towards you since you said that you are fairly attractive. This case it won't be a one night stand. I mean, is that what you want? (Your post didn't talked about guys making moves in social circle specifically.)

P.S. I have been with woman in the two digits and have kissed so may girls that I lost count... If I see you acting like this, I am going to just think that you are weird (me trying to go for the kiss, then you block it away) and probably won't call you. It seems like you don't know what you want at this point like any other girl. Your wall is closing soon though, so I would try to find something.

Quite frankly, this post comes off like you are just trying to get some more male attention and show off to the world how dramatic your life is. Well, GL.

jello562 · 2017-11-29T17:27:35+00:00

It's a long road but sounds like you have a few issues to work out/think/talk out. You'll get there!

Cevar7 · 2017-11-29T17:44:18+00:00

It sounds to me like you have chosen not to have sex. The opportunity was there but as you said, you pushed the guys away. You should try dating. Then you can find the right guy and you don’t have to feel rushed about having sex, you can take your time. When the conversation comes up you can mention how you feel about sex and can be honest to him if you are not ready for it yet.

chips911 · 2017-11-29T17:58:42+00:00

I'm in a similar situation and I made a post on this sub a couple of days ago https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/7fkaqc/low_confidence_guy_with_above_average_looks/ . Even though I'm a guy, I think it could be helpful. Good luck!

MrBDIU · 2017-11-29T18:51:46+00:00

You know, I agree with the Therapist thing... Get one... Just talk it out... I knew someone like you once. We talked a bit... Chatted.. She mentioned being a virgin and I was sorta shocked... I told her "If you want - I'll fix that for ya" Nothing rude. Nothing crude.. She admitted fears, concerns... And we talked. Then we did more...
I'm still friends with her, 30 years later...
A good therapist will help with your concerns. Help with you holding back. But you still need to find someone you trust. Even if it's not a lifetime commitment thing - at least some trust should be there...

MisterIceGuy · 2017-11-29T18:56:17+00:00

I don't want to have sex with a random guy and I don't want my first experience to be so shallow or empty

These first encounters tend to mean a lot less to us than we anticipate they will. 10 years from now I would guess there is an overwhelmingly strong chance you look back and laugh at your first experience no matter how much thought you put into making it fit your expectations.

Aristox · 2017-11-29T19:33:14+00:00

Baby steps.

Go on tinder. Match with a cute guy. Tell him your situation, and invite him over to help you explore your sexuality. Maybe Day 1 you meet up, have some drinks, and then practice kissing. Date 2 you kiss some more. Work your way up to being more sexual ane you will become more comfortable with it as time goes on. You're not broken, you've just had some bad ideas planted in your mind that have taken root.

Yeah you could go see a therapist like others have said, but tbh you already know what your problem is, and the remedy is just getting out of your comfort zone and getting some experience to desensitise you to the scary/shameful/wrongness of it all.

I used to think doing drugs was horrible and evil, then i went to university and was so surrounded by it that i got desensitised to it, and now i have healthy drug use as a hobby.

I dont really see the need to pay a therapist though when you already know the problem and the solution and you're already taking steps to solve it.

Just get on tinder and find someone nice to explore with. No guy who likes girls is gonna turn down the chance to introduce a sexy virgin girl to the world of sex. Get someone kind and mature and they'll be sure to take it at your pace

Titanruss · 2017-11-29T20:08:40+00:00

yeah you gotta lighten up. if your thoughts or the conversation goes that way and you clam up or shutdown the talk... stop and recognize what you are doing. feel the feelings.. relax and feel the mood.

tell yourself that shutting it down is NOT what you want. because its obviously not.

let yourself test waters a little at least.

therapy is ok. dont be too proud to go. thats detrimental thinking

you came here... you can go to a pro.

Ruze_ · 2017-11-29T20:39:11+00:00

I used to have problems with people touching me too. It just seems so foreign and with trust issues it makes intimacy almost impossible. And as a woman you have even more reason to be a bit more apprehensive.

One, touch is how people can get closer. You're gonna have to get comfortable being touched if you want to be close to other people. I'm still working on this too.

One thing you might want to consider - maybe dancing classes. It's a safe environment that immediately puts you in a more intimate setting with another person as you try to learn how to move your body in a shared rhythm. It's gonna automatically bond you a bit as you screw things up or perform well.

It helped me a little bit.

I'm not gonna tell to ease up on being a prude since that's up to you, but rather, give good guys a little more opportunity to reach out to you.

You shying away almost immediately is going to tell dudes that you aren't interested.

So if anything, try a dance class. It's one of the best ways to socialize there is.

joblagz2 · 2017-11-29T20:40:49+00:00

don't say 'there's nothing you can do about it'.
lol you can do something about it thats for sure.

araisbec · 2017-11-29T22:07:59+00:00

I have no idea why you've posted this on the seduction board on reddit... but I truly feel for you. Ideologies can be so incredibly damaging in this way.

As others have said, find a therapist you can trust, and speak with them about it. I would advise you put the relationships on hold until you are able to do this.

The old saying "You cannot love someone until you love yourself" is very true, and is something I am realizing myself at this moment. I also have no problem attracting people, but ultimately burn relationships because of my own deep-seated issues.

From one broken heart to another, I hope you seek help, and I hope you get better.

zanpher717 · 2017-11-29T22:38:58+00:00

You don't have to have sex, but get used to kissing guys. Do some online dating, finding someone you like, who is patient, don't have high expectations. And push yourself to get out of your comfort zone, whilst still being safe. Make out, hold hands, cuddle, have open conversations, not graphic, but open. An issue you may have is not knowing how to talk about it because you don't know what you like yet, but that will come. Don't push yourself to have sex right away, but experience physical connections to guys you are comfortable with. Its all very fun!

Freeecheeese · 2017-11-30T00:01:48+00:00

Hello, I am also female.

Do you have any male friends that you really trust? If your desire is just to try the physical acts of kissing (and more), see if a good male friend will help you practice. It could also be good practice for talking about what you do and don't like, which is very, very important when you move on to sex.

saulisdating · 2017-11-30T00:23:07+00:00

Basically, find a guy you find moderately attractive, and befriend him. Make sure he finds you attractive as well. Then, tell him about your situation - just make sure he understands where you're coming from and has no problem with it and wants to help. (Trust me, most guys will want to help if you say you're attractive). Then, after you find the right guy, offer to become "friends with benefits", or whatever with him, and have him slowly help you get used to sex.

Start off slow, make yourself comfortable with talking about sex first. Then, make yourself comfortable with light touching. Then, hugging, and more intimate touching, and eventually petting. Then, try whatever else you had planned.

The point is to almost treat it as a clinical experiment, where both people know exactly what's going on and are fine with it. This will take all the pressure off. And will solve your "fear of commitment, and fear of it being shallow at the same time" problem.

mmmm_frietjes · 2017-11-30T00:43:03+00:00

Why has no one mentioned the term sexual repression? Knowing this will make it easier to search for help. Sexual repression seems to be really common with very (ex-)religious people. I also think therapy is your best bet, there are therapists specialized in this kind of thing. If you don't want therapy, there are plenty of books dealing with this issue that may help you. I can't give you any recommendations because I don't know enough about this but I'm sure they are mentioned somewhere on reddit.

Dankob · 2017-11-30T00:52:23+00:00

You’re parents have taught u wrong. And u know it urself. So what are u ashamed or afraid of? You’re not a kid anymore. Just Enjoy urself, (responsibly)

zbf · 2017-11-30T01:31:20+00:00

Agnostic or atheist. Pick one.

Phantomx91 · 2017-11-30T01:46:56+00:00

Short answer : Just Do It!

YeahDaleWOOO · 2017-11-30T03:20:25+00:00

This is all your own fault. If a guy you like wants to have sex with you, do it, Or if you don't wanna have sex with him don't. This is only as hard as you make it.

jesseusagi · 2017-11-30T03:26:35+00:00

I also have issues with intimacy. I want it, but I am always afraid and when someone wants to be intimate back. I kissed a guy this weekend and I told him it was gross because I was uncomfortable with how good it felt. You ever figure out a solution to your problem, let me know.

beastboi27 · 2017-11-30T03:29:33+00:00

Get a sex therapist

random_dude512 · 2017-11-30T04:25:01+00:00

there is no "lose your virginity race". go at it at your own pace. is it odd you can't kiss a date - yes. is it odd you have never had sex - no. i say work on you. everyone develops at different stages and if you are not at the point where you can be intimate with another then you have some growth to do.

enkae7317 · 2017-11-30T07:38:57+00:00

To be honest, it feels like you have a lot of demons. Especially with your religious upbringing. You're scared to experience new things and scared of taking things past what you're accustomed to. Maybe you're scared you'll lose your virginity to the wrong guy, and he leaves you shortly afterwards. Or scared your parents/friends will disapprove of the guy you're seeing. You probably think that having sex or a bf for the first time will change your life completely. It doesn't. Life still goes on. Your life still goes on normally. You'll still wake up, go to work, then home. Only difference is you got to share that with somebody else now.

Gotta take that leap of faith, sometime. Otherwise you'll be stuck where you're at. Keep doing what you've been doing and you'll be getting what you've been getting.

Lastly, I'm just some dude on reddit. If you want real help, seek a professional.

ninja_possum · 2017-11-30T07:41:06+00:00

Just out of interest, why post this on seddit and not a sex/relationship sub?

ImStuuuuuck · 2017-11-30T15:31:50+00:00

honestly though, therws nothing wrong with needing organic, unforced intimacy. not every dude will talk about sex and i think those are the ones that youd be most comfortable with. youll eventually wonder why they are different and know they sincerely care about you for who you are. life has no sccript. not everyones journey is the same, nor SHOULD it be. If anything, keep an eye out for potential partners (malee or female) that are focused on the same goals you are. sex is a natural thing but not necessarily a big focus of everyones body chemistry and environment.

2017-11-29T16:09:53+00:00

[permanently deleted]

NoRiceForP · 2017-11-29T19:10:22+00:00

This is interesting because normally people ask, "How will I get others to like me?" But you're question is almost the opposite. "How will I get myself to like others?"

First of all, it doesn't matter that you suck at dating. This is because guys, in all honesty, are very shallow. So while guys need game, girls just need to be hot. As long as you got that, you'll have guys going for you.

As for your fears of physical contact and such, I have a question. What type of guys are these? Are they experienced? Because an experienced guy will know how to comfortably coax a girl into making out with him and it will not feel weird at all. If these guys are experienced then it is your problem. In that case I offer you the same advice that I give to everyone else struggling with fear. Bite the bullet and just do it. Fear is overcome with experience.

juloxx · 2017-11-29T19:42:06+00:00

You and me both sista. I too was raised as a Muslim. I too was afraid of sexuality and was abysmal when it came to matters of dealing with the fairer sex.

You want to know what fixed me? Not even joking, mushrooms and LSD. Not surprising, it was my first LSD experience that put that last nail in Islams casket for me

You would be surprised how affective of tools they are to stripping away previously conditioned habits and thought patterns.

Now.... i am doing pretty damn well for myself

onfire9123 · 2017-11-29T21:22:20+00:00

is it just me or does this sub's reaction as predictable as r/incel when it comes to women posting?

TasteQlimax · 2017-11-29T18:24:05+00:00

Just my 2 cents, you can't be an Agnostic Atheist, you either are Agnostic or an Atheist. The two exclude each other.

blackleaf31 · 2017-11-30T01:16:40+00:00

I had a similar experience as a guy. Raised christrian, became non-religious later in life. I have a very hard time finding a way to approach women because of all the constraints from my upbringing. I feel it still holds me back. I wish I could get a girlfriend, but I have no comfort with approach or the seduction process. I wish I knew what to say, but I have had a hard time breaking out of my religious based shortcomings. It is really frustrating. I have tried therapy myself and pickup classes and such, but I haven't found anything helpful for me yet.

mikebrave · 2017-11-30T02:39:29+00:00

religion played a similar role in my life (raised Mormon), I'm still working through it. Good luck, you have my sympathy/empathy.

Unexpected_Artist · 2017-11-30T03:02:56+00:00

Religion can create unfortunate feelings about sex as it appears you are experiencing.

Either the logical path of a sex therapist, online dating, and alcohol. You're self sabotaging and high strung around sex normally right? This may help. Although make sure you feel safe and trusting.

Communicate! Also, you need to process on some level that's it's ALSO a compliment when men are interested in you. They can desire for your body AND your mind.

Alternatively, some women sell their virginities for sizable sums (gorgeous 18 year olds have made a killing). The advantage is you have sex and can have it behind you.

decadearray · 2017-11-29T23:05:20+00:00

You just haven’t ever had great sex. It’s that simple. That would cure your prudish nature, assuredly.

changeIsTheWay · 2017-11-29T19:50:30+00:00

Every time any man tried to kiss me or get physical, I pushed him away. Maybe a little bit of background would help. I was raised in a very religious Muslim household.

Probably your upbringing. You're def attractive to men.

timacles · 2017-11-29T21:17:07+00:00

You need bite the bullet and have some shallow, empty, unattached sex. You just have too many hangups about sex and until you realize its not that big a deal, you wont be able to get over it.

If you were to meet a guy you really like now, you'd only somehow sabotage the relationship.

tulipszs · 2017-11-29T21:22:19+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	28 years old female virgin
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	123
Comments	120
Date	November 29, 2017 3:10 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/7gdx6z/28_years_old_female_virgin/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/28-years-old-female-virgin.1437651 https://theredarchive.com/post/1437651

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