Q4W: What are some examples of "Above and Beyond" behavior you have seen or would like to see from men?

velvetalocasia · 2024-06-28T16:09:09+00:00

My husband learned to cook my favorite dish when we got together. He cooks it for me when I am stressed or had a bad day and he cooks it exactly the way I like it. He has the ingredients always stocked and I never have to ask for it…..he just does it.

When my mom died, we had just gotten married, he did everything with me…..go to the hospital, speak to the doctors, organize whatever necessary. He even stayed with us in the hospital for the last night and stayed awake (all of us were just exhausted) to watch her. And the day she died, we took my little sister home with us and he moved out of our bedroom so my sister could stay there with me. He went with us to the funeral home and even cooked food for the day of the funeral…..and that were all things he did out of kindness, not because I asked him.

DoubleFistBishh · 2024-06-28T17:03:36+00:00

In the beginning of our relationship my husband bailed me out of jail once lmao

I would say that's above and beyond

EulenWatcher · 2024-06-28T16:03:04+00:00

Husband went with me for a medical procedure, so he had to get up at 5 am, go to the hospital, wait with me and then for me for almost 4 hours. He was very supportive during the whole time and he found a place to eat right after.
He bought me a desk that can be regulated to one's height. That was such a silly birthday present that I absolutely did not expect, but it does make my working hours easier.
When we were students, he used to go to a pet shelter with me. It was a Russian pet shelter, so it was horrendous. He helped with cleaning and feeding.
He helped with fostering kittens, bringing them to the vet etc.
He lived with our cats, although, he turned out to be allergic to cats.
He spent a few nights at my grandma's place, when we had to keep an eye on her due to her health issues.
He got out my ring out of the sink when I dropped it there.
He goes to 16 km walks with me.
He tries every new café/food I want to try, even though he's a rather picky eater and he prefers to stick to things he knows he likes.
He watches k-dramas with me.
When we were teens and I had a pregnancy scare, he went to the OB/GYN with me and tolerated dirty looks from women there while I was with the doctor.
He tolerates my mild OCD and follows my OCD "rules" to keep me at ease. That's a big one really, because it requires some habits you do daily (my topic is hygiene, so I sanitize the phones every time we go out, I sanitize our glasses etc).

I'm not sure that all of these things are "above and beyond", but they're above bare minimum and these are things I appreciate.

half3mptyhalffull · 2024-06-28T17:24:31+00:00

for context: the bare minimum in my mind is treating me with basic respect and consideration. acting like we live together (because we do), treating shared spaces like shared spaces (instead of his space that i use sometimes), politeness, respect for boundaries etc.

a few "above and beyond" examples:

i had a particularly bad bout of insomnia last month and was really stuggling. he was going to have a friend over on my day off work, and asked if i would be okay with that. i was confused and told him basically, "you know you dont have to ask permission to have friends over, right? thats not an expectation of mine..." and he said "i know, but youre having a rough time, and if you could use some quiet, we can hang out at his place instead. i just want to make sure you get the rest you need on your day off." yall i cried a little lol it was so sweet.

another thing from years ago:

while we were dating (weve been married for awhile now), when it was starting to feel more serious, i explained how awful my parents are capable of being, and that there may come a time when my younger siblings need to come live with me. i asked him if thats something that he would be comfortable with one day, and he said something to the effect of "of course! your brothers need to live in a safe place, and if thats you and me, then id be happy to have the oppotunity to help you provide that for them." i definitely cried some after that one. it meant so much to me. and hes helped me so much in being there for my brothers and making sure they are okay.

smaller/more common things:

hes had the most patience for me while im grieving. im not very emotionally expressive and stuggle to not shut down when terrible things happen. and he has insisted so many times that my grief is not a burden to him and he is here to walk with me through losses.

i get extremely embarassed when i cry in front of people (and rarely do because of this) and he is incredibly gentle and kind when i do. its to the point now where i dont feel ashamed if i cry in front of him- i never thought that would happen.

but those are all things that i think of as "above and beyond" personally.

i dont know if there is a point where "above and beyond" becomes the bare minimum for me. if he suddenly flipped a switch and stopped treating me this way, it would feel more like he didnt want to be with me, not so much that he wasnt meeting the "bare minimum". i feel like it would be an issue separate from expectations. i would want to know what had changed and why he had changed, but it wouldnt be anger driven, it would be fear that either something had happened to him that i was unaware of, or there had been some serious miscommunication of some kind (assuming in this hypothetical that i hadnt done something to royally fuck up our relationship).

CauliflowerElegant76 · 2024-06-28T16:53:18+00:00

My bf is the perfect example of doing above and beyond things for me all the time. Here are some examples:

He made natural beef tallow cream and lip balm for me because I have sensitive skin/eczema and don’t like chemicals.
He got a sentimental custom made mug with my name on it because my mug at work was getting stolen.
He planned a surprise horse riding date for me because I’ve never done that before but always wanted to.
He surprised me with Lego flowers when I was having a particularly stressful week. We built them together and had a great time doing that.
He hand picked some roses for me a couple weeks ago to surprise me.

He’s always so thoughtful and caring. I’m truly the luckiest girl, this man makes me so happy.

2024-06-28T20:32:27+00:00

Just being thoughtful in general. It makes a big difference when a guy tries not to make people around him uncomfortable.

Queen_BW · 2024-06-28T16:36:38+00:00

My bf takes a lot of mental load from me without asking. We dont live together and one time he stayed at my house he noticed my desk was kinda flimsy, a few days later he showed up with tools and screws to make it sturdier. I broke my iwatch a couple days ago and he told me he would take it to the shop bc he knew I didnt have time during the week to take it myself. He is very observant and he knows something is going on just by looking my eyes.

I like to think we both go above and beyond for Each other. I cook for him often and I give him A lot of emotional support. We are a team :)

Downtown_Cat_1173 · 2024-06-28T18:19:59+00:00

I don’t want anything above and beyond. I just wanted a guy who gets me and doesn’t think I’m weird.

I married a guy who has stayed home from work to take care of me when I was sick and really needed it, and he does half of the housework. But I moved halfway across the country to help him with his elderly dad, and I do all the cooking. We are both pulling the rope in the same direction.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-06-28T15:57:34+00:00

Whenever I come back from seeing my family (they're in Ireland and we live in England so this is a multiple day trip) or an overnight stay for work my husband will sync a fancy home cooked meal for when I come back. (Not the only thing either of us do but I think it's a good example.) He's going above and beyond as it's not something he's obliged or expected to do but he's taking time and effort to do something that makes me happy.

egalitarian-flan · 2024-06-28T16:30:29+00:00

The biggest one from my boyfriend is that, despite the fucked up aspects of my past, he decided to be with me and helped me unlearn tradcon/pickme behaviors that I'd previously been taught in childhood instead of taking advantage of this. It's how I knew he actually cared about me as a full person, not an attractive younger woman.

AngeCruelle · 2024-06-28T16:54:11+00:00

Some of the very first things that struck me about my BF were his memory and attention to detail. I could mention my likes and favorites in passing, and he would remember. I was surprised because I never dated a man who learned that sort of thing about me so quickly.

He notices instantly if I'm wearing a new dress or piece of jewelry, or if I've done something new with my hair. If there is something off about my mood or expression. When I was first teaching him how to kiss, I only had to tell or demonstrate once before he understood what feels good to me. If we're out shopping and I so much stare at something a few seconds longer than everything else, there he is offering to buy it for me on the spot, or it pops up with my gifts for Christmas, my birthday, Valentine's, etc.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-06-28T19:40:40+00:00

In 20 years I can't even name The Times and ways. My husband and I have gone above and beyond for each other in every facet of life, There's been so many

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-06-28T23:49:51+00:00

Kinda depends on what you consider “above and beyond” and “bare minimum.” Most of the really “above and beyond” stuff was being lovebombed by a narcissist tbh. I’m okay with “bare minimum” when that means the basics of being a decent partner vs just “doesn’t hit me or cheat.” Men do not really go above and beyond past the first few dates for average women, that’s just how it is. Would rather have that than get lied to.

AnonishCath · 2024-06-28T16:36:58+00:00

I guess most of the “above and beyond” examples are things you’d expect to see from any good partner - things that should be the bare minimum, but aren’t anymore (take your pic of reasons why).

My husband does a lot of things he doesn’t have to, like offering to do housework, bringing me home gifts from when he’s out and about, spending time with me doing what I want to do, taking me on dates, genuinely asking about my day, offering to help my family, asking how else he can be helpful, etc. He tries to put my needs and desires above his own, is what this really comes down to.

I appreciate all of these and more about him, but I also do these things in return. That’s part of why we have a good marriage, and while I do believe it’s “above and beyond” for the times, it’s a shame that it’s considered to be so.

thelajestic · 2024-06-28T17:31:15+00:00

When I first started trying to use a menstrual cup, I got it stuck inside me (stupid short arms, and hadn't mastered the "bearing down" technique so couldn't grasp the end of it no matter how hard I tried) and he offered to help and successfully pulled it out. I know loads of guys who are squeamish about periods so not sure how many would have done the same thing 😅

Recently my uncle (mum's brother) died unexpectedly. My mum lives quite far away from me and my stepdad is currently away for work so it was going to take him about 3 hours to get home. I was in bits and not fit to make the drive to my mum's, but my husband was out in that direction for work so he left work early and went to my mum's so she had company until my stepdad made it home.

Very shortly thereafter we had another death in the family which required us to be away for a couple of days for the funeral. My parents have a newly adopted very neurotic dog who can't go into kennels and they couldn't take him away with them, so my husband offered to dogsit for two days despite this meaning he had to take 2 days unpaid leave from work. It made a really difficult time for my parents a bit less stressful and was just a really lovely thing to do.

He once made me a Minecraft cake for my birthday and must have spent hours cutting out tiny squares of icing in different colours and sticking them all over the cake 😭 and he made me a bunch of tiny origami elephants (my fave animal) and crammed them inside the card so I got elephant confetti when I opened it. He's amazing at gifts in general. He once got me a drum kit for my birthday because he remembered me mentioning I'd always wanted to play and I literally cried actual tears of joy 🤣

He's just so amazingly kind, considerate, generous, selfless. He's amazing with me, my family, his family, all our friends. I don't think he thinks he's going above and beyond because to him it's just how you should treat people, but he's honestly the best person I could ever hope to know and I'm incredibly lucky to have him in my life.

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-06-28T16:22:28+00:00

I don't want or expect above and beyond.

I don't want flowers or jewelry. I don't want TikTok vacations or proposals.

I don't want extra considerate behavior when I'm menstruating, I don't want him to confront staggering drunk middle aged men at the concert,

I don't want him to spend half his free time with my disabled sibling,

I don't want a man to change his diet to match mine

I don't want a man to hold my purse.

I want a man to maintain the competent hero act he portrays when courting.

That's all. If he keeps his own house clean, does his own laundry and cooking, takes care of his dog and cat, fixes his parents' appliances, changes the oil, mows his grandmother's lawn, entertains himself with his own hobbies and interests when he's courting me, I want him to keep that up instead of pretending to be awesome until he traps a bangmommy.

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Lysa_Bell · 2024-06-28T21:46:57+00:00

My husband goes above and beyond all the time for me. In a way no one ever showed up for me. He is defending me against my own demons when they keep telling me I am not good enough. He is always open to listen to my side and wants to know how I feel. He never makes me feel wrong or weird for the way I am. He never makes me feel like I'm too much. He is kind and considerate to my needs. He keeps checking in on me so see how my energy levels are going. When I am exhausted he is never mad or disappointed when I can't engage anymore in certain activities. He always asks me if I need something. He keeps learning the best and easiest ways to deal with my mental health. For instance I'm not good at picking things without options - so he learned to give me options so I'm not overwhelmed by choice. He asks me if I want certain things before I even have the thought of wanting them (e.g. "you want me to grab you a cheese pizza and your favorite ice cream on my way home?"). He knows I am not the best at keeping conversations going so he keeps talking and engaging me in everything.

He makes me feel safe to be myself. Which is far above anything anyone has ever done for me.

HappyCat79 · 2024-06-28T22:18:50+00:00

When my boyfriend and I were first dating, before we were even exclusive, I had a situation with my 6 year old son. He had hurt his leg and needed to be brought to the emergency room. I picked him up from school and I had no food for either of us and it was lunch time. I hadn’t eaten anything yet that day.

He came to the ER and brought us food, a charger for my son’s tablet that was almost out of batteries, toys and games for my son, and spoke with the doctor and was asking important questions and giving him information that they would need to know about my son, like the fact that he’s autistic.

His son had brain cancer twice, so he knows all about hospitals, doctors, what you need and what kids need in the hospital, etc.

It was so freaking helpful and I felt so taken care of.

My ex was the opposite in situations like that. When our older son broke his arm and I had to bring him to the hospital, I had to spend 75% of my energy calming my ex down and comforting him rather than focusing on our son. I actually asked him to leave the hospital because he couldn’t control his emotions. I was calm with my little boy in the ER, but my BF really helped a ton and the way he swooped in and took charge of the situation was just amazing.

Ppdebatesomental · 2024-06-28T22:38:52+00:00

When my husband and I were first dating my street flooded (New Orleans so not surprising). My house was raised so no water inside, but I was stranded for a day. I was standing on my porch and saw him wading toward me in chest high water with a dry pack of cigarettes in each hand. We quit smoking together, he moved in shortly after and married a few years later

Oh…and he also took my car seats out, laid everything out to dry, dried out the under seat electronics, reassembled the car a few days later and I drove it several more years

apresonly · 2024-06-28T17:55:00+00:00

honestly not talking about your wife like a nag/ball and chain is above and beyond

HighestTierMaslow · 2024-06-28T17:57:25+00:00

One ex I dated when my mother suddenly died would drop off food he knew I liked without asking (this was the first week after she died). A year later, for a gift he gave me a picture frame with saved Facebook statuses my Mom posted regarding her love of her family (she had a Facebook account he was friends with, and then my Dad deleted it, but this guy saved the statuses previously as a gift).

When a guy notices I orgasmed very quickly during foreplay and does another round for me to savor it more (very very rare behavior, my husband does this)

Secretly getting tickets to a favorite artist of some kind as a gift.

Giving grace with a few annoying behaviors I exhibit I think from very mild ADD. I honestly have tried to improve but I am not getting anywhere. If he does get annoyed he verbalizes he knows I am trying. Alot of men talk about how women arent forgiving and how women need to be more lenient and not expect perfection but alot of times this statement is a one way street because they exhibit the same behavior when their partner isnt perfect.

When my husband and I were engaged and living together, my ex sister in law threw my brother out after she asked for a divorce (she came out as gay and moved a woman in, brother didnt know at the time). Technically what she did is not legal but my brother moved in with us temporarily and my husband handled it well. Its even more notable because my husband's sister (with mental health issues who cannot keep a normal job and really mooches off of peoples kindness) asked to live with him right before we met/started dating. My husband rejected this offer and though he knew this was the right decision, he still felt guilty letting my brother move in temporarily.

RelativeYak7 · 2024-06-28T16:32:35+00:00

My bf texts me that I'm super hawt and says he is talking about me to everyone and they can't wait to meet me. He doesn't shy away from expressing how into me he is. This makes me feel secure and special while we are long distance.

SaBahRub · 2024-06-28T16:42:44+00:00

I’m sure you can imagine “above the bare minimum” on your own

Pretty much acting like a woman or gay man, frankly

Planthoe30 · 2024-06-29T05:57:07+00:00

•He is attentive and bought me my updated favorite ice cream after I changed my favorite ice cream. Haha.

•He puts up with my shenanigans. I’m kinda a woman driver and have 0 concept of where the front of my car ends so I hit the garage. Instead of getting mad he moved our trash can to protect the wall where I park. I wish I could say I have gotten better about this but I wake him up every morning when I get home from work hitting the trash can and he just accepts that this is his life now.

•My husband does a lot of research. Today he informed me my bras were made of petroleum which is an unsafe material to have close to your skin and he bought me plant based bras which are safer and also really comfy.

•One time I found out I had a warrant for my arrest and I was completely panicked about going to jail and losing my job. My husband reassured me I’d be bailed out immediately which calmed me down so I wouldn’t lose my job. He even drove me to the police station however I ended up not getting arrested because they just wanted me to pay a fine.

•I struggle with insecurity and my husband never acts bothered by me being an emotional burden he always says the right things to settle my anxieties.

•My husband bought me orchids which are my favorite flower and they bloom every year because he waters them for me. I killed my first one because I forgot about it in the wintertime so he had to replace it.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-06-29T06:19:58+00:00

I had been dating my partner for like two months, and on New Year's my friends and I got trashed, and left him a sad voice message (shit had been going down, lots of stress with school, issues with some friends, etc.). The next day, he came over to my place and took care of our hungover asses. Now, that doesn't seem particularly "above and beyond“ but, at the time, we were living in different cities. He took the train, came over to my city to bring me McDonald's and nurse my hungover ass back to health, then went back to his city in the evening. It's one of the nicest, most considerate things anyone has ever done for me.

I don't think there's a point for me where "above and beyond" would be the bare minimum but different people will have different views of what counts as ”above and beyond".

TheMedsPeds · 2024-07-02T17:07:04+00:00

I’d just say large purchase or grand actions. Men have never really done that for me. My current boyfriend helped me move. Went go get a trailer and all.

Nyanpireeee · 2024-07-10T04:59:28+00:00

To me; above and beyond is thoughtful gestures without being asked. It doesn’t have to be expensive or huge. Things like remembering her favorite things and getting them on her bday or anniversaries. Cards. Planning dates. Stuff that shows you put thought into making her happy.

MistyMaisel · 2024-06-28T17:36:29+00:00

Oh boy, let's see.

I was super tired recently after a long day at an event. My boyfriend literally carried me from the event space to my car on his back, took me for food, then we went home and he used a massage gun on me head to toe, massaged my head, wrapped me up like a burrito, and just snuggled me while I slept. Any one or two of these things alone is pretty typical behavior for him, but altogether it was just above and beyond, I felt so thankful and a little tearful because I was so sore and pained.
He's always been super crazy supportive of me prior to and after any medical procedures I've had (even before we were dating) he just always made a huge effort to keep my mind off things prior and cheer me up and then being really delicate and helpful and loving after. It always struck me as so much more than was common to experience outside my family. I guess the shorter version would be: being really aware of where someone is at emotionally or physically and doing your best to positively interact with that is often really above and beyond most of our experience.
He's always been pretty above and beyond in terms of gifts for the most part. I think lots of men in my experience give gifts they want or that are kind of generically appealing. But most of the gifts I've ever gotten from him has been really specific to me and really attuned and not just something he would want. And none of it has ever really been all that expensive, just showed he really had listened to me talk about the things I like or that I'm passionate about. Pretty above and beyond from my experience at least.
He went to some events with me that he had absolutely no interest in and in fact found kind of stupid and made an S tier effort to be involved, enthusiastic, and make the event special. Most dudes, if they're not interested, they either ruin it for you or refuse to go. So above and beyond.
Doing things when I ask like immediately and without any guff or hassle.
Kind of like 4, but I remember once researched around for a certain kind of restaurant for date night, found a place I thought was perfect, and wrote it on a sticky note (that's how I remember stuff). When I got to his for date night and he asked where I wanted to go, I did my usual, "oh I had this idea, but we could do other stuff if you wanted" and he saw the sticky note and just said, "you wrote it on a sticky note, we're going there." I dunno, it just made me feel noticed and that it was ok to ask for stuff. I dunno if men know how often women don't feel comfortable asking for stuff or having plans because most men seem to be so anti-change, adventure, or doing things they didn't come up with.
This one is a bit harder to quantify and may not apply to all women, but I often bottle stuff up due to agreeability or not quite being able to digest where I'm at in that moment and needing time to figure it out. And then usually it eventually comes out in getting very quietly upset and then crying if asked what's wrong. I'm not saying this is sensible or healthy, just where things are for me. And when that happened in the past, dudes just had nothing to offer. No comfort, no solutions, not even really listening. They'd just kind of exist like a statue waiting for it to stop or just yell at me and fight and deny deny deny. For me, my man actually listening, comforting, and then working on solutions and comforting me that it's ok to have negative feelings was huge. To not feel alone or shut down was amazing.

In terms of beyond these stories that I think generically most women would see as above and beyond

Look Put together, like really handsome and put together and taking care with your appearance to look like a snack and someone worth being on the arm of. Seriously, I think the first thing I noticed about my man was that he almost always has an outfit on and smells good and looks dapper. That's how fucking unusual it is for a man not to look like the entire ethos behind his appearance is "I just threw this on".
Defending you to someone where there's a clear social cost. I feel like my men prior never stood up for me and were freaking cowards socially speaking. If it had meant pissing someone off who was treating me badly, they didn't have it in them.
Planning a truly special occasion or date that is not generic. Like, look, it's nice to have a reservation, but that's not above and beyond even if you pay. If your date could have been assembled using a family feud audience poll, it's just not that great. It's nice. My man has planned super exciting non-generic dates and it was really what drew me to him initially and even now.
Any kind of surprise, whether it be a gift, an adventure, an event. It being surprising would be above and beyond. So often, we are not at all surprised by our men. They're just like video game characters on a loop. You don't feel surprised or shocked by anything they do unless it's something bad. My man constantly has little and big surprises for me that I couldn't have predicted easily.
Making her or shared little/big dreams come true and never treating them as silly. I can't tell you how many men I've bashfully admitted to like, wanting to dress like a fairy princess or geisha or what have you or smell like a rose or run around in a field of flowers or be some great chef or own a cat that behaves exactly like this, or chickens, or this or that...and they just treated it as either neutral or stupid information. And they had no desire to make any of those dreams come true. Not even one. And it sucks to confess vulnerable silly dreams or big dreams to someone and just have them act like you mentioned the whether or are being stupid. Making those come true is huge and it's so above and beyond.

Title	Q4W: What are some examples of "Above and Beyond" behavior you have seen or would like to see from men?
Author	shadowrangerfs
Upvotes	17
Comments	122
Date	June 28, 2024 3:47 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1dqmt4q/q4w_what_are_some_examples_of_above_and_beyond/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-what-are-some-examples-of-above-and-beyond.1522683 https://theredarchive.com/post/1522683

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