The Myth Of Confidence

IdiAminD · 2024-09-11T05:25:25+00:00

I've noticed that many people who declare themselves as normies/bluepill/whatever seem to not understand(though they love to declare themselves emphatetic) how fragile self-esteem actually is and how hard it is to build confidence when you are outlier in physical appearance or you were neglected as a child. There are plenty of people who were once confident - but quickly lost it once exposed to harsher reality. It's possible to build confidence - but I would suggest doing it gradually keeping solid base for it(be it proffesonal achievement, knowledge, physical fitness).

115ron · 2024-09-11T00:37:33+00:00

Good post, I somewhat agree. I think it's less about repeated romantic rejection that causes 'romantic nihilism', although it definitely can play a role if it happens early enough. But simple social rejection, bullying etc while the ego is still developing. That can fuck people up real good and it's way more common. By the time someone like that gets to the point in their life when they want a relationship, they start with a giga debuff in the charisma department, they overthink everything and can't get into the "playful" mindset that is required for flirting, nor can they handle intimacy in a healthy way.

Unusual_Implement_87 · 2024-09-11T00:22:48+00:00

I have a PUA friend who is extremely confident and would approach women all the time, but he was never successful not even once, he is actually one of the main reasons I don't believe confidence matters, and also there are legit autistic men in relationships and guys who have anxiety and take medication who have active sex lives and loving relationships.

If I consistently saw short ugly balding men get women with confidence then I would change my opinion of course, but I never see that in real life, it's only something I read about on reddit.

New83659 · 2024-09-10T22:27:08+00:00

Confidence can be had, out of the ether sort of and not based on prior success, for men who have narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy, and sociopathy.

A big part of why women go for bad boys and criminals.

SecondEldenLord · 2024-09-11T17:34:16+00:00

Thank you. I always found it stupid to just be confident out of thin air despite being rejected your whole life by women. Why do women think these hot men are confident? Because they have been acknowledged by women their whole life. If you are acknowledged and perceived attractive by it her people, you will see yourself attractive as well and thus your self esteem grows. But self esteem cannot grow just out of thin air without some validation.

NawfSideNative · 2024-09-10T21:00:07+00:00

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StageAboveWater · 2024-09-11T10:17:30+00:00

I think confidence is actually made up of like 90% deep rooted psychological perceptions of safety derived from childhood experiences rather than having much to do with self image or self worth.

TindaroCorso · 2024-09-10T22:29:46+00:00

One aspect of the confidence argument I never see mentioned, is how so many people will see someone who they look down on showing signs of happiness or confidence will attempt to "put them in their place". Attractive people are frequently deeply insecure, mentally weak and they get angry when those they look down on are happy. It messes with their heads, it makes them question everything they value in themselves and others. If the people they look down on are happy then what does that mean about their understanding of the world? It means they don't understand it at all. But that can't be possible, right? Because everyone has always praised them. So the ugly person is wrong, they're wrong to be confident and they're wrong to be happy.

They can't wrap their head around it because their confidence is directly linked to their appearance and approval from others.

If you're ugly confidence is 10x harder to achieve, because people are constantly trying to undermine you. It takes a tremendous amount of resilience to overcome this, and most attractive people have no conception of how difficult it is (because that would require them to become aware of their own undermining behavior i.e accept that they're amoral and shallow people).

2024-09-10T21:00:45+00:00

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WoodChipSeller · 2024-09-11T02:06:05+00:00

Confidence is a meme, it's incoherent babble that no one can actually properly explain or outline.

When pressed, sanctimonious idiots will say dumb shit like "self-esteem"; which is --> "having confidence in yourself", which is --> "self-esteem".

It's just pure nonsense being spewed to self-gratificate about the non-existent virtues of personal development. It's meaningless.

"Self-improvement is masturbation"

Tyler Durden.

That's why confidence is a myth, it's about as real as BCBXNMDJDJ is, except at least with that one you're able to extract some sort of not unfunny satirisation.

MyUpSeemsDown · 2024-09-10T23:57:32+00:00

It's one's trust in themself to show up when called and see it through. That's why authentically facing challenges and the experiences matter because it will literally serve as evidence to your confidence that you know to be completely true because you're the one who did and will be doing all that shit. You don't need others inputs to know that you had your own challenges. It's also why sometimes clueless douchebags are misinterpreted as "confident" because they do and say dumbshit without a care, which gives the impression that they are sure of themselves when really, they're just incapable of thinking about their actions.

To rely on others to be the source of your confidence is probably the most direct way of building false sense of security. It's not as simple as oh someone has complimented me I must be doing good, when in reality you could turn out to be a complete doormat and a chump to them. People are variables, they can and do change, their opinion of you always ready to be fickle and flimsy at the slightest inconvenience they might feel. You can never count on it. If all you do is appeal to them for your confidence, as soon as they change their mind about you, so will the false sense of security and confidence you had it relying on their opinion of you.

weenieandthebutt · 2024-09-11T07:24:26+00:00

Confidence is how you feel on the inside. Power is how you make others around you feel.

I'd argue it's the latter that matters more when it comes to having that particular physical presence that projects an attractive aura that commands respect.

Moldy_Gecko · 2024-09-11T08:47:56+00:00

What you're saying is "when people react to you being confident, it makes you confident." It's a catch 22, but it's still possible. I used to severely lack in confidence. Then I faked it til I made it and even now, older and fatter, regardless of people's opinions, I remain confident and thus I continue to get that reassurance. I think even if I didn't, I'd still be confident.

But I do get what you're saying. For example, if you suck at your job, you can be as confident as you want, you're probably gonna get fired. Your confidence needs to show results. But there are some people out there that are oblivious and still confident.

EugeneCezanne · 2024-09-13T19:11:27+00:00

Self identity formation is inseparably from how we are perceived by others. We form our self conceptions by seeing how others react to us. I can say ‘I’m good looking’ but I can’t believe it until people confirm it.

Self-confidence isn't "I'm good looking." Self-confidence is "I love the way I look."

TheRedPillRipper · 2024-09-10T21:39:50+00:00

Self identity formation is inseparably from how we are perceived by others

The primary reason this is incorrect, is because almost all innovation is driven internally. Often, in direct opposition to reality. Did The Wright Brother’s internal dialogue, conviction, and Self Belief take a hit? When they told they world they were going to ‘fly’?

That’s self confidence.

I understand how damaging rejection can be. It’s human. It is also human however, to persevere.

Godspeed and good luck!

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Weird_Assignment649 · 2024-09-11T06:49:34+00:00

Confidence is weird, for me it comes and goes, some days I'm absolutely brutally confident and charming others, I feel like shit and wanna hide, and I've got not charm in those days. Like I said it's weird and I don't fully get it.

Specs400 · 2024-09-11T13:37:11+00:00

Confidence can be seen as a belief that you can do a specific thing very well, or a bunch of specific things well in an endeavor like dating.

Confidence can also be seen as being reasonably comfortable with yourself and possessing a belief in your abilty to deal with what life throws at you.

The first kind of confidence is really hard to achieve and it only lasts as long as you don't slip. You get caught in a "your only as good as your last game" cycle.

The belief in yourself kind of confidence touches everything you do, and is more enduring. And ironically, it will calm you and help you get better at those specific things.

VWGUYWV · 2024-09-11T15:13:43+00:00

This is why children that were not nurtured at early stages grow into adults that

Often both desperately want love and drive others way

It is horribly sad that the people that want and need love the most often drive most healthy people away

I’ve seen it too many times

kellydayscruff · 2024-09-10T21:32:50+00:00

not wrong but the thing about confidence is that what grants confidence isnt always visible by everyone around you and on the flip side, you can have what would make most people confident and still be an insecure little bitch.

So the most healthy form of confidence comes from finding validation in your own story, your own identity and not any one's mere opinion.

Thats why people (men especially) should pursue goals, because when you work on goals and continue to achieve them, that absolutely creates confidence that has nothing to do with anyone confirming it for you.

Looks matter tremendously but its not a be all end all. Ugly/average dudes get laid all the time.

MyLastBestChance · 2024-09-10T22:04:33+00:00

Confidence isn’t necessarily about what you think it’s about.

Do you make good decisions? Are you an awesome friend and confidant? Do you volunteer and help those less fortunate? Do you have a special skill that you’ve worked really hard to master? Are you a gifted writer or artist or musician? Are you passionate about your job or education? What have you accomplished or achieved in your life that means a lot to you?

Confidence is about believing in yourself for any number of reasons. When you value yourself for your strengths and your character while allowing yourself grace to work on your weaknesses, you become a more confident person. That shows throughout all aspects of your life and makes you a more interesting person to others.

anthropics · 2024-09-11T08:48:13+00:00

This is a common myth, but the data shows that physical attractiveness as rated by others has little to no association with self-esteem, extraversion, etc., while self-rated attractiveness is moderately associated. This shows that variance in self-perceptions are largely unconnected to how you're perceived by others.

Many-Leader2788 · 2024-09-11T10:11:08+00:00

Dale Carnegie once quoted a well-known psychoterapist, that by changing our actions (which are more under our control) we can influence our thoughts. So it's possible to become confident without external stimuli

just_a_place · 2024-09-11T04:50:58+00:00

"Self identity formation is inseparably from how we are perceived by others."

That is called The Blue Pill 🤨

The Red Pill is when you realize the truth and break free from that societal bullshit. I have never identified myself by how others see me, because deep in my heart of hears I truly don't give a fuck what other people think because their opinions are not important to my world, my view, or my life. That doesn't mean that I don't cultivate "an image" of myself in the eyes of others but I do so as part of my basic "social skills" package and NOT because it is somehow essential to my identity.

Confidence is a side effect of COMPETENCE. There is no way to fake this thing. Doing so makes you a fucking phony and a very easy one to spot - especially by women who are pretty good at sniffing out men's blundering faux-personae.

There is no such thing as being confident on shit that you can't control - like your genetics. In that case you need BOLDNESS, which is the act of courage in going forward despite not knowing the odds or even having the odds against you.

People, this shit is NOT complicated.

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Jaeger__85 · 2024-09-11T06:22:41+00:00

You dont need external validition to have self compassion/love though. Dont know why you mentioned that too.

Eastoss · 2024-09-11T06:49:21+00:00

I was never confident but I was assertive, that's all there is to it.

detectivelowry · 2024-09-11T07:07:00+00:00

Self love and external validation can both lead to extremely distorted identities, what you need is unbiased self-awareness and a good understanding on how the world works, looking at yourself the same way you would at others, assessing your flaws and qualitites the same way you'd anyone else's. That's where unshakable confidence comes from, from being objective about yourself.

Other people can change your mind but only to the same extent as if you read a book that made you see things differently; it isn't their validation or rejection that you should keep it mind, it's the information they provided and you objectively rejected or accepted as useful

Pleasant-Speed2003 · 2024-09-11T19:26:08+00:00

I agree that others damage our self image but the point is to try your best to build yourself back up and admire the good qualities you have and build on that thing you do good by adding other things your good at. Part of making yourself feel confident can also be working on the way you look/ hobbies or something else.

Also self confidence and self love doesnt mean "im so pretty and skinny" but accepting what you look like and being comfortable building on yourself, trying new styles and ways of helping yourself and living life fully even if you arent "perfect'

obviousredflag · 2024-09-18T15:53:09+00:00

Start dealing with women who don't reject you. You choose who you approach. Women reject you because you are below their mating value.

attendquoi · 2024-09-10T21:04:00+00:00

It is impossible to be confident in yourself and love yourself before others do

I wholeheartedly and vehemently disagree. Except maybe for parents, you can't expect anyone to love you more than you love yourself. Why should they put that kind of effort in when you aren't?

Plus, I think how you treat yourself instructs others on how they should treat you.

Electric_Death_1349 · 2024-09-10T21:04:37+00:00

I disagree - I’ve known several fat/ugly men through the years who genuinely believed themselves to be God’s gift to women and achieved romantic success as a result.

pg_throwaway · 2024-09-10T21:09:07+00:00

What you say is kind of true. It certainly hurts your confidence to fail romantically, and it certainly gives you more to succeed. But there are other sources of confidence that don't necessarily come from romantic success, otherwise every man would be stuck in an endless look he couldn't get out of, and never date and never get any relationships.

richerBoomer · 2024-09-11T12:33:19+00:00

Confidence is not caring what others think.

Fair-Bus-4017 · 2024-09-10T21:29:29+00:00

Dude what is this notion of you can't believe that you are good looking without other people thinking this?

By that reasoning you can't suffer from body dysmorphia unless others will agree with your delusions. Man if only life was that simple.

What you think and how act because of it doesn't get dictated by the opinions of others. But it can be influenced.

MrAnonPoster · 2024-09-10T22:05:59+00:00

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Emotional-Drink1402 · 2024-09-14T17:58:42+00:00

No confidence for your indian guy face

Title	The Myth Of Confidence
Author	Major_Decision_7107
Upvotes	91
Comments	138
Date	September 10, 2024 8:51 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fdskcl/the_myth_of_confidence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/the-myth-of-confidence.1530206 https://theredarchive.com/post/1530206

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