Is it cheaper to keep her?

Battleneter · 2024-11-04T00:03:39+00:00

The solution if you want to stay in the marriage.

Calculate the monthly costs for each category and assign the appropriate amount each pay cycle..

- Open a bills account (electricity, house tax, insurance etc), you might calculate $600 a month

- Open a house account (food & kids stuff etc), you might calculate say $800 a month

- Open a "her" personal spending account (you cannot see this) , maybe $400 a month as per agreement

- Open a "you" personal spending account (she cannot see this), maybe $300 a week as per agreement.

-Open a savings accounts, or the remainder left over into mortgage.

Accounts are usually free and can be opened in a few minutes online. She cannot withdraw more than in each account based on what it is for, she needs to budget each account. Neither of you can touch the savings/mortgage account without mutual agreement. If the allotted amount in any category is not enough it must be talked about. If you want a new IPhone you save up for it using personal spending account.

Chop up all but one credit card that NEVER gets used other than booking hotel rooms on holiday etc.

No-Engineering-9414 · 2024-10-31T22:13:16+00:00

I had the exact same issues in my marriage of 10 years. Everytime I tried talking about budgeting she’d flip out. Prepare for the absolute worst and have reasonable but hopeful expectations. My ex wife filed and asked for way more than her attorneys told her to. That only means it was all dragged out in court for a couple years and I spent way more on her and my attorneys that she could have pocketed in the end.

Financially nothing made sense in my marriage and the divorce was that x20.. Good luck. Get your support and own self in order and set up like you’re about to weather a hurricane.

Firstborn3 · 2024-10-29T15:16:36+00:00

In the long run, no, it is not cheaper to keep her. But if you do pursue a divorce, be advised that you are most likely going to take a huge hit that will take some time to recover from. Short term you will probably be in a hole and you may regret your decision. But you can always make more money and rebuild your life making good financial decisions, and you’ll come out ahead before you know it.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-10-28T21:04:07+00:00

If she is not contributing financially you are doing it all wrong. Work out what her share is every month toward bills, the rest of her income is to do whatever she wants with. Likewise for you. Do not commingle all finances it will only end in resentment/overspending by at least one of you.

InspectorOpen2968 · 2024-10-28T11:18:51+00:00

This is 100% fiscal abuse of you and your children.

CaliBoundDad2015 · 2024-10-28T04:43:42+00:00

Freedom > any amount of $

georeddit2018 · 2024-10-27T12:24:24+00:00

Its time to change your paycheck direct deposit account and only transfer what she need for house upkeep.

You are basically been treated like a ATM.

snoryder8019 · 2024-10-27T03:42:52+00:00

Seek happiness. Anything else is damage.

jimsmythee · 2024-10-26T17:13:44+00:00

It sure as hell wasn’t cheaper to keep her, in my Divorce.

If I had stayed with her, I would’ve lost everything. Lost my house lost my car, lost my retirement, lost everything. She couldn’t stop spending and having retail therapy.

We’ve been divorced a few years now. I’ve rebuilt my life without her. Life is good. For her? She’s always one step away from filing bankruptcy again.

StoneyRocksInMySocks · 2024-10-26T17:00:57+00:00

You should NEVER have all of your paycheck going to a joint checking account.

My wife at the time tried to insinuate that I didn’t really love her because of me not wanting to have all of my paycheck go to a joint checking account.

I told her love has nothing to do with it. She got over it though. I had all of my paycheck going to “my own checking account” and I would just transfer her money to her account as needed.

RespectInevitable479 · 2024-10-26T15:39:39+00:00

Divorce. Sorry but anyone telling you to work It out isn’t giving you sound advice. She already is taking 80% of your income at least divorce will be 50% once child support ends she will go homeless unless she finds another husband to abuse.

allstonguy1011 · 2024-10-26T11:53:49+00:00

Just remove her access bro end of story

And yea she can still order it but cancel credit cards remove her

And force her to get help

Camping_Dad_RC · 2024-10-26T11:08:56+00:00

How is love not an issue? It seems like a one way street from what you describe.

Sea_Emu_4259 · 2024-10-26T10:50:41+00:00

Split cost accout and earning account don't mix them up and have her access only cost account and make sure no negative amounts is allowed. I know so who did that . Only a wall will work nor communication at step 1you should have done that at first extravagant expenses. On extrem case in some juridictions bc of her expense one spouse can request full economical custody from the judge if the other has expense habit that jeopardize the family

Step2; I strongly advised you to put her on therapy: she is probably using extrem consumerism to make her feel good bc of mental issues such as depression etc. Nothing different than an addict. And it would be cheaper for you. I know one who did that for his wife and she said whatever she needed to say to therapist about things u don't even know and within 2 months she acted more like a responsible adult.

Demccl · 2024-10-26T05:32:45+00:00

To start, you should open a separate checking account and keep a joint one. Have your paychecks go to your checking account in your name only. Tell her that this has to be done until we can figure out how to better manage money. However, ask you for what she needs to pay certain things and then transfer money to the joint account that she can access. If you are afraid she's going to file divorce over it, let her know that she won't have 80% to be spending anymore because she won't get 80%. And if she cares about the children and you and the family is a hole, she will work with you on this. but this is happening on a regular basis you should first just go and open a separate checking account and have your paychecks go there and then have the conversation before she spends all of your paycheck. This is not affecting you, it has direct effect on the children. I feel for you, I really do.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-10-26T05:09:54+00:00

Cost is one side, earning is the other. If your work performance is suboptimal because of her and your situation, and you have opportunities to earn more, you should take that into account.

Have you considered just locking down the finances to something reasonable? Maybe that will trigger her to file.

Slowloris81 · 2024-10-26T03:04:27+00:00

You need to provide some more basic info before you can even guestimate your potential liabilities: -what jurisdiction? -how long have you been married? -what does your wife make or could she make if fully employed? -do you have premarital assets that you have kept separate or has everything been commingled? -do you own real estate? If so did you contribute premarital earnings to buy it?

junkmailbox121 · 2024-10-26T02:13:13+00:00

I was in the same situation as you are. Married to a sahm who would spend so much I would only have enough left to pay just minimums on the cards. No matter how I explained to her how we were on the brink of default she wouldn’t cut down her excessive spending and would just tell me to get a better paying job. Sure I’d love to get a better paying job but I was doing most of the child care work and a better paying job would probably mean she would have to take care of the kids more which she didn’t want to do and she was comfy with me working from home and watching the kids while she would lay in bed and watch tv.

By the time I was neck deep in debt and just tired of her BS I decided to file. It was also almost 9 years into the marriage and in TX after 10 years she would be able to get alimony. If your divorce is past 10 years you might have to pay alimony but since she makes 50k a year you could say she could support herself if you payed child support. Child support for 3 kids is 30% of your take home pay or a max of 2,760.

If you go for primary custody of the kids she would have to pay you child support. There is no 50/50 by default in tx. Both parties have to agree to it. Default is 30/70 where the non custodial parent gets every other weekend and half of school breaks. I got custody of the kids but didn’t collect child support because they based it on federal minimum wage and would’ve been a few hundred a month.

Any debt you have will be split in half. In my case since my debt was much more than hers, the difference was about as much as the equity in the home so I kept the home instead of her being on the hook for half the debt. She most likely wouldn’t have been able to pay anyways.

All assets will be split in half. If you have investments like 401k she can get half of what was earned during your marriage. I gave my ex half of my meager 401k but it’s back to where it was before the divorce.

Like others have said here, stop depositing your earnings into a shared account. Do it now before you start divorce because you can’t make financial changes while in divorce. Ask an attorney how much if any you should give your wife. I gave my ex a free hundred a month for her necessities but she didn’t have to pay for any housing expenses, car expenses, and most other living expenses.

You’ll be in a much better financial state once your money hungry wife is out of the picture and will take a huge load off your shoulder. If you’re good with money you might be better off financially without her. You can try giving her a final ultimatum and see if she changes but some people never change.

Pluto1911 · 2024-10-26T01:56:38+00:00

Get a separate account

alexmixer · 2024-10-26T01:55:32+00:00

She will take you to court for alotttt

Ladiesman94952 · 2024-10-26T01:53:43+00:00

008muse · 2024-10-26T01:50:34+00:00

Half of everything. 3 kids I would say you’re going to be closer to 50-60% of your money going towards cc/sc. can always make more money down the road. Peace you can’t buy.

This_Train340i · 2024-10-26T01:37:25+00:00

Your wife is wearing the pants in your marriage. If you can get your pants back and lead as is your natural right, you may be able to save your marriage. If not, divorce and consider cashing out your 401k first so you can stick her with half the tax bill.

yosemitesam00 · 2024-10-26T01:20:12+00:00

I was making almost double what you are during my marriage. It took a long time to get there, but you know what? My ex always found a way to spend the money before it ever hit the bank account. This won't end, not until you put your foot down.

Have a budget and stick to it. Give her a stipend of sorts of you must. Take control of the situation and your mental health will better immediately. Go open an account only you have access to, redirect your paycheck there, sit down and tell her how it's going to work from now on.

I wish I would've have done this before I couldn't take it anymore.

pieperson5571 · 2024-10-26T01:17:54+00:00

FORSAKING all others means exactly that. Family comes first. No seconds. Seems you picked wrong. Ships in storm unload baggages.

Updateme.

Sweetcheecks4 · 2024-10-26T00:49:00+00:00

If you love her and the family you built . Sit her down tell her it's not working and why then let her know how your only going to give her X amount of money every month . Everyone says GO GO GO but that's new age thinking . Family's are built to support each other . No one is perfect. We are here as couples to help and build one another up . Not point out the flaws and leave . If you tried that then go

Mattythrowaway85 · 2024-10-26T00:46:44+00:00

You'll actually be giving her about 60% of your paycheck if she isn't working. Alimony will be huge here. I give my ex 3900 a month on a 153k salary (that's how much it was when the calc was done). Now making more though.

sicrm · 2024-10-26T00:38:53+00:00

you’re already down to 20% of your paycheck and cashing out stocks that would’ve appreciated over time to get back a car that loses value the second you get the keys.

getting a divorce and staying away from dating for a long time is cheaper than what you’re doing right now.

Least_Winter9632 · 2024-10-26T00:35:29+00:00

You have 20 - 25 years to rebuild your wealth if you pull the chord and let her go. The alternative is to let her spend you into the ground. Maybe your marriage is worth saving if she can change, but you’re gonna have to tell her how strongly you feel about this, let her know it’s a dealbreaker if she won’t get on board with being fiscally responsible. Sounds like you have enabled a monster; no judgement from me, I did the same thing. I’m 40, and rebuilding with nobody spending my money now and crushing it for the first time in my life financially. Best of luck to you

OPs_Mom_and_Dad · 2024-10-26T00:33:56+00:00

This was very similar to my situation. I wholeheartedly say divorce. It’ll be expensive. It might be about the same as you’re losing now, but it’ll at least be a predictable amount you can budget for. Just be prepared, every time she runs out of money, she’s going to come after you for me. Be firm, say no, and at no point should you ever agree to pay for her attorney’s fees (which she’ll absolutely demand you do).

shell_shocked_today · 2024-10-26T00:32:53+00:00

Right now you're losing 100%. If you only lose 50%, isn't that an improvement?

Mamijie · 2024-10-26T00:13:42+00:00

I missed something. All of your income needs to go into a new account to cover essentials: mortgage, property taxes, house insurance. You and the children eat beans and rice if necessary.

Does your wife bring in money? Budget as if you are a single parent without your wife's income. If you can't afford that house solo, seek services of a lawyer to compel sale of your home. Get the best divorce lawyer you can afford. Not telling you to divorce. No. Telling you to become informed.

Stop access to your credit. Close any and all joint accounts and credit cards seek the services of a financial advisor.

What is stopping you from cutting her off NOW?

stent00 · 2024-10-25T23:53:59+00:00

as dave ramsay would say shes commiting financial infidelity. its a reason to divorce...you cant trust her with money. deposit paycheque in your own account and transfer a portion to the joint. puit her on a budget lay down the law or divorce

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-10-25T23:52:29+00:00

Look, if you lose 50%, isn't it worth it for peace of mind? I was married to someone like your wife. Yes, it was tough at first, but it eventually got easier.

At the very least, consult a good lawyer to see how things might turn out. It might not be as bad as you think. Also, consider setting up an account to help manage her spending of your money.

Ecstatic_Love4691 · 2024-10-25T23:52:29+00:00

There was a similar episode on Caleb Hammer YouTube channel this week. Go check it out. Wife is getting ridiculed in comments

Nigel_Fara · 2024-10-25T23:33:32+00:00

Keep your pimp hand strong. Have your money deposited in a personal bank account.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-10-25T23:32:06+00:00

r/daveramsey

Seriously. You all need to get your shit together.

That being said. Divorce will be cheaper for you in the long run unless she changes.

She’s spending 120% of your money now. 50% is less than 120%

Title	Is it cheaper to keep her?
Author	CowboyUp175
Upvotes	32
Comments	65
Date	October 25, 2024 11:26 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gc7qm6/is_it_cheaper_to_keep_her/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-it-cheaper-to-keep-her.1532685 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532685

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