Wife said she wants a divorce for autonomy.

Highlander0001 · 2025-05-16T12:37:53+00:00

Updateme

Charming-Vacation-26 · 2025-05-10T14:20:06+00:00

To all the men who have become victim to the American Marriage/Divorce Industrial Complex.

US marriage are lasting an average of 8 years.

What percentage of people are unhappily married?
Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
80% of these divorces are filed by women
Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded:
- of the 50 remaining percent,
1/3 are unhappy,
1/3 are “meh” (bearable),][
and 1/3 are happy.
So roughly around 17 percent are happy.

I may be no comfort, but you are not alone.

Good luck brother, you deserved better, we all did.

Spiritual_Finding369 · 2025-05-10T01:33:27+00:00

I am right there with you. Married 16 years. Two kids a dog. The American dream. Only difference is, she said she wanted amicable. But in the background, she was cheating and planning to destroy me. Trying say I a mentally disabled. I am an Engineer. Good luck with that. Also trying to get me for $3,000 a month. Get the kids 100% and the house. She wants it all. She even planned to call the cops and say i threatened to kill her and the kids and myself with my guns. Also caught her planning to try and say I molest my kids. I have all the evidence. I even have evidence of domestic violence for years in the marriage. My daughters told me she was always talking to someone before and after work. They know what’s going on. Also, She was saying I abused and gaslighted her and that I am a narcissist. I didn’t even know what gaslighting or narcissism was until all this went down. I gave that woman everything, and I mean everything. I gave her a green card because she overstayed her visa by ten years. She got it in less than 30 days. She got her citizenship fast tracked because of me, her bachelors and masters. Her current job she got because of me being a veteran. She was able to get direct hire to the government. They would have never hired her otherwise. She got two cars, completely flipped and remodeled the house. Sitting on a decent chunk of property in a nice area in San Diego. She said she wants to be independent. She said she is strong and independent, but yet wants child support and alimony. That’s not independence. Funny thing is, she makes over six figures and had a job offer making 60k+ more than what she is now. I have that evidence too. So if she feels like she is going to get child support and alimony when we are 50/50 with the kids and she makes that much, she has another thing coming.

I feel for you bro, I really do, but you need to let her go and focus on you and the kids. Fight for your children. Fight like hell for them. But don’t take any more than 50/50 because they need their mother too. But be careful, she will try and poison them against you. Love them. Show them your love and stability. Do not share your emotions with them. Be their rock during this hard time. They need it more than anything. Trust me. Look up the statistics of children that are not raised with a father in the picture. They are staggering. You need to be present in your children’s lives. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to get a paternity test done on your kids to make sure they are yours before anything else. Even if you don’t care if they are not yours, it gives you more grounds for custody to show how unfit she is. I have a buddy that ended up with full custody of kids that aren’t even his from his first marriage. He got his and hers. Full custody and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lean forward, tighten your boot laces and step through it. No turning back. There will be dark days. There will be loneliness. But it will build you back up to be a father that your children want to be with. That women will want even more. But know this, you need to learn from it all so you can recognize every red flag that crosses your path. By month 6 or 7 it should be easy to analyze what happened and every red flag you see in other women. It isn’t worth it bro. Now go be a King and carry on!

Smelly_Pepperoni · 2025-05-09T15:36:16+00:00

My wife of 9 years did the same. Product of this world we live in man. Women want "autonomy" and independence because it's what the world tells them they are capable of and deserve. It's selfishness at the end of the day, and that's not what marriage is. You can't make someone's mind up/ change for them. All you can do is work on you. Take this time to dedicate to yourself. Address you're faults, mistakes, and desires. Learn from them and strive to be the best version of yourself, and you'll be a gem for whoever's next in your life (maybe even her). If she in turn does the same, things may work out, but if that's her mindset right now, she's going to need to go down that path before she realizes what she left on the table.... And that takes time. But whatever you do don't wait. I held onto a strand, wondering and hoping after my own growth and mindset shift how my ex had changed, what her mindset was, if she had regrets, etc. over 2 years after the divorce, she pulled some selfish bullshit trying to get one of the few things I got out of the divorce from me. Made me realize she didn't change or improve because she didn't feel she needed to, and had the same selfish mindset as before. I was snipped free of that tie once and for all. Work on you and don't look back. Whether things work in the future or not, you'll be the best version of yourself and happy in the end

SuchSuccotash6152 · 2025-05-09T13:04:24+00:00

My wife gave me that speech almost identically. It turns out there was someone else.

MrBlue351990 · 2025-05-06T19:39:28+00:00

I am in the same boat you are in brother. Married 14 years share 4 kids and 2 dogs. The only difference is I initiated the divorce due to her verbal abuse and past cheating however when she asked for a divorce 2 years prior it also came out of the blue. There may be another man involved if there were no prior warning signs and she did not communicate any of these issues of your past with you. Impulsively asking for a divorce especially after a long term marriage generally means that there is someone else.

ThrowawaySunnyLane · 2025-05-06T18:09:31+00:00

Give her the autonomy she craves. She can be in charge of her own finances too since she wants autonomy from you, she shouldn’t want a penny from you either. Stand your ground. The marriage is done.

Also what are you supposed to have done that she can’t forgive?

sludgepress · 2025-05-06T08:39:04+00:00

I know this is definitely not what you want to hear my friend, but from my experience in life, I’m willing to bet that she has been having an affair.

Suddenly bringing up “things you did in the past that she can’t forgive you for“ is a pretty weak cop out and a red flag. It’s a made up, bullshit “reason” to start picking your marriage apart. If she couldn’t forgive you for certain things you did in the past then she would’ve divorced you in the past for those things I would think. Not wait until years later to use them as a springboard to a divorce.

Basically anything you say or do right now to try and save this marriage will get spun into you being “controlling” or you “not letting her be her own person” …. Or any other number of ridiculously nonsensical excuses. In a nutshell, I don’t think there’s anything that you can say that is going to make her stay. It hurts, It’s going to suck for awhile … but you WILL make it through.

I’ve been through something similar and all I can tell you my friend is to focus on your children. Just put all of your energy into your children. Make sure that they aren’t used as pawns and that they suffer as little as possible during this process. If you just keep being an excellent dad and just show them that you care only about them and that they are your number one priority, believe me, later on down the road it’s going to pay massive dividends to you. I know this for a fact.

I realize it’s very easy for all of us that have been through it to say these things. But we all felt like you feel right now at one point. We were all miserable blobs lying on the floor wondering what the hell happened and what the hell we’re gonna do…. But you’ll amaze yourself on how resilient you can be when you have to. Just keep your head on straight, do the right thing by your kids and get through this. I’m assuming every man that comments here knows exactly what you feel like right now. I certainly do.

Stay strong man…….

Llamma_llama · 2025-05-06T07:59:13+00:00

Another walkaway wife... Hang in there man... Protect your children and your heart. Love is an action and a choice. She is choosing to love herself only. You need to do the same now, and love your kids more. Show them what commitment means by committing to them.

Melynthos1492 · 2025-05-06T04:43:44+00:00

If you try and save the marriage it will push her away faster. Just get a lawyer and go through the process. It’d only way you might have a chance

Unsainted_smoke · 2025-05-06T00:26:21+00:00

Unless couples therapy can help you guys, she’s leaving and you need to accept it. It fucking sucks dude because the kids. Chances are she’s met someone else and depending on your local laws, could play into the settlement so you need to do your digging.

bukkakekingz · 2025-05-05T23:58:53+00:00

She cheated

luckyducky38 · 2025-05-05T22:45:33+00:00

She’s cheating on you. Lawyer up and fight for your kids. Women don’t do this without having a plan. I’m not saying this to be mean, or hit you while you’re down. It took my ex wife a week to move the guy she wasn’t cheating on me with in after our split. Don’t trust a god damn word she says from now on. The person you’re fighting for no longer exists. That person is an image of the person you think she is. Listen to the warrior mentality by jocko. Time to buck up and look out for the children.

VNM0601 · 2025-05-05T19:30:21+00:00

What is this shit with women being the ones who want out AND they want to the kids too? The audacity.

InfluenceIntrepid564 · 2025-05-05T19:24:29+00:00

Am in a similar boat except 2 kids not 3 and together 12 years so kinda similar.

Let me tell you from experience that when these things happen or are more lead from one side and they assure you “there’s no one else” then unfortunately the chances are, there is.

I don’t live in the US but most here I believe are US based so don’t know for sure how guaranteed custody for you is but try and remain positive. I’m assuming for the past decade or so (?) that you’ve been living 100% of the time with your kids so it’s all you’ve been used to for ages but try and keep positive, you will still see them and have quality time with them, highly likely your time with them will be better quality perhaps than it is now. And the reminder of the time you get to prioritise yourself 👍🏻💪🏻

sicrm · 2025-05-05T18:55:31+00:00

Unless it’s physically not possible for you to have 50/50 custody make that an non negotiable and start looking for lawyers.

also throw yourself in exercising, hobbies, learning new skills, and spending time with your kids. if you don’t keep yourself busy when you’re going through this you’re going to drive yourself crazy.

Sansiera · 2025-05-05T17:45:37+00:00

" there are too many things in the past that I've done she can't forgive me for." Translation: you cheated.

wildflowerinno · 2025-05-05T17:40:17+00:00

lol @ "Autonomy" - They're running out of excuses at this point. They're not even trying anymore.

No "Autonomy" required for the list of one night stands and situation-ships to follow though.

Become_Pneuma · 2025-05-05T17:20:08+00:00

Another classic case. Sorry bro. Some good advice already given which I recommend you follow.

itoocouldbeanyone · 2025-05-05T17:14:38+00:00

Follow the other advice too. I’d counter with by saying “I’ll give you the divorce you want. Quickly and painlessly. As long as it’s amicable with 50/50 custody”.

Don’t budge. Good luck.

Sad-Present-1077 · 2025-05-05T16:59:24+00:00

What can she not forgive you for?

engineered-chemistry · 2025-05-05T16:49:59+00:00

Great advice here. The battle of your marriage is over, now it’s time to act in your own best interest and your kids. This is now a business transaction to protect your own interests.

1 - open your own checking account and have all direct deposits of yours go there. Transfer money to the joint account with clear notes “mortgage” “electric, gas, internet”. This makes discovery easier later on and proves no financial abandonment with a clear paper trail.

Read the section of law on divorce from your state. Write down key points and any questions.

3 - retain an attorney for sound advice and to know your rights. Ask him questions from your reading. Do not use a $400/hr attorney for therapy. Your first session is generally the best money you’ll ever spend when you come with a basic understanding of the law and well articulated questions

4 - highly likely she’s cheating on you. Look for evidence now. Download your phone records for the last year! Download tolls. Download all credit card statements for the last year minimum. Everything you have access to download now, you can go through it later with a clearer head. Look at browsing history on joint computers. You can’t go through her phone without permission if you want evidence to be permitted in court but if it gives you the peace of mind go for it.

5 - 50/50 custody, almost always granted nowadays unless she can prove your a shit head.

6 - don’t move out. She wants the divorce, she can get out.

7 - kids, minimize collateral damage. Don’t discuss anything about the divorce with the kids. Even if she’s a lying cheating pos. That’s still their mother and they can keep their innocence for as long as possible. Focus your energy on them.

Commercial_Music_931 · 2025-05-05T16:03:30+00:00

Every single dude going through a divorce ever always says there's never another guy. "I know her she wouldn't do that"

There's ALWAYS another guy. Shes fucking him and then laughing with him about your attempts to save the marriage.

I wish you all the best man. Be safe and stay sober. Keep your mind sharp and on your toes cus the game is ganna get dirty af.

Pleasant-Mechanic-49 · 2025-05-05T15:48:30+00:00

Soon or later she will ask you to leave , as usual , but ⚠️DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE⚠️ unless a judge orders it.
Here's why:

Once you're out, she becomes the primary caregiver by default. You're suddenly the "weekend dad." or "walking purse"
Her 👹lawyer might tell her to drag this divorce out for years for Free housing and financial support
BUT If you stay, she'll want to speed up the divorce
Worst case: You pay for a house while she brings in the new BF (real example: Sarah Jane parkinson bring home his BF with his 3 kids)
Don't fall for her suggestion, claiming it's better for everyone/kids. She will only benefit it. Remember, kids often recall the parent who left
🚨 If she to forces you out, demand financial compensation or virtual rent since you're still paying for the property & need to pay another rent. This makes her think twice about exploiting the situation.
Do NOT move out in her state/country near her family, it is a trap . Plus, you will be stuck for years in that region if you want to see your kids. Know the laws on parental relocation. Many limit non-custodial parents from moving far without permission

Remember: Your goal is to be an equal parent, not a 🏰Disneyland Daddy in your kid's life. Stand your ground

Only exception: If she's violent or has mental issues, and you're at risk of bogus domestic violence accusations & & TRO strike( i.e. a judge telling you to get out).

Comradepatrick · 2025-05-05T15:34:51+00:00

She does not "get" the kids -- you can and should seek 50/50 custody as the only outcome you will accept. A lawyer will be able to talk you through options and how this is likely to play out.

Don't mope, don't chase after her, don't pre-negotiate by taking stuff off the table or giving the farm away. Lawyer up and deal with her coldly and dispassionately.

BeyondNaive6552 · 2025-05-05T15:15:32+00:00

I am almost in the exact same boat, except 4 kids. But there truly was no other guy as most here will say. Sometimes women truly do hit “empty” on their what they can handle tank and this happens. It’s more common than what you think. I wish I had advice to make it better because every day is still a shock, I feel your pain man. The only thing I know is to be great everyday. Work on yourself thru therapy, reading, friends, the gym. And be a great dad. Accept you can’t control the outcome and hope for the best. It doesn’t bring comfort I know but it’s the only way to have a chance

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2025-05-05T15:10:01+00:00

Yeah, my STBX said something similar. Three weeks later she was caught with a married man in the back of her SUV.

Chasing her, begging her, and moping around the house won’t get her back. The only thing that MAY get her to see things differently is a sharp dose of consequences for her choices. What does life look like without you as her husband?

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-05-05T15:06:07+00:00

She has someone else lined up, mark my words. Either she is already cheating, or after the divorce is done, a new beau will pop up “quickly”.

Bumblebee56990 · 2025-05-05T14:54:38+00:00

How old is she? If she’s near or at menopause it could be that. Try therapy and see if that helps. Maybe offer her to still live in house. Or you move out of the bedroom and move to another room.

Fight if you can… but remember you can’t make a grown person do anything.

HoyAIAG · 2025-05-05T14:41:36+00:00

Therapy is cheaper than any divorce lawyer

EcstaticGoose3128 · 2025-05-05T14:38:09+00:00

My STBXW said the exact same thing. Turns out there was chatting with other men but nothing physical. Mine realized she had other options besides being married to me. Hoping for the best for you but start planning for the next phase.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2025-05-05T14:25:31+00:00

She’s gone, get to work and feel bad later

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-05-05T14:04:27+00:00

I truly love her deeply

This will be used against you. She will have your digging your own grave and then ask you to jump in (i.e. she gets all she wants)

I’m not sure what to do.

Understand that your ability to think strait is currently broken. You need a lawyer. They will do thinking for you and guide you. As nuts as it sounds the way out of this, outside of getting a therapist (DO THAT) is you're gonna toss money at this and It will be money well spent.

There is a ton of advice in the links below but my top are as follows:

50/50 custody no matter what. This is the hill you die on.
Attorney asap. You are not thinking right and a lawyer will do some for you.
do not move out. If you leave you'll never get back in and she will drag things out for a long time.
do not drink or use drugs. You need a clear mind and you cannot give her ammo.

YOU WILL MAKE It but CURRENT you needs to do the work so FUTURE you and your kids will be ok.

INTINAL ACTION: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1ir0ct6/how_do_i_start/md4pmev/

LAWYER SEARCH: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1iusx50/recommendation_for_a_divorce_lawyer/me01gdj/

CUSTODY: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1iqbber/separation_agreement_tips/mcywewe/

BlueHarvest17 · 2025-05-05T14:00:17+00:00

The reality is she is probably not going to change her mind. It's probably not out of the blue for her, she's likely been planning this for a while. BTW my STBXW said the same thing, I convinced her to go to couple's therapy, we agreed to stay married, than she changed her mind anyway. Now we're getting a divorce.

You need to start planning for what comes next. Call a lawyer (most will do consults for free) and find out what the process is in your state/area. You have to understand the divorce laws in your area and how they will impact you, and also how they'll impact your kids. You need to know your custody rights. How finances will be split, etc.

Your job now is to start thinking about YOU and not about the two of you. It's a huge, huge mind shift. It will take time.

You also need to understand that what you're experiencing is grief. Grief over the life you had and the life you planned.

If you're not in therapy, get into therapy. A therapist has the tools to help you cope with this. Men often don't go to therapy or get help...don't be that kind of guy. Get the help you need.

Get physical exercise. The more the better. It will help clear your mind and help with your mood.

Look for a divorce group like DivorceCare. There will be people there who are going through the same things you are and can help you.

whoisgodiam · 2025-05-05T13:38:06+00:00

She’s getting her back blown out by a beta buck.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2025-05-05T13:31:09+00:00

When a woman surprises you from "out of the blue" and tells you there's nothing going on, she's usually lying. It could be one of serval things:

There's another guy. If she's hiding her phone, leaving the house for long periods of time without explanation, or suddenly found a new "passion" for work, there's likely a guy.
The women in her friends group have all started getting divorced, and they're encouraging her. They'll tell her how great is is being middle-aged and single, how, rich, successful and hansome men will be fighting for her attention, and how your dead weight. Misery loves company.
She's gone down the TikTok rabbit hole. The algorithm feeds middle-aged women a steady diet of "weaponized incompetence", "red flag", "if he wanted to he would" content about their husbands, plus the feeds from pretty, 20-something women who travel, party and sleep around......convincing them they could do the same.

You're behind the curve right now. You need to get an attorney immediately. Don't agree to ANYTHING, especially moving out, until you talk to counsel.

Reasonable-Glass-965 · 2025-05-05T13:24:55+00:00

Mine tried the same shit. Was having an affair for months.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-05-05T13:12:41+00:00

My wife pulled this shit on me the day after Christmas. Said she "wanted to be alone" and find herself.

She made it seem like it was my fault for HER wanting to divorce me.

Found out she'd been sleeping with her co-worker for months. Found the text messages of them calling each other soulmates.

When my wife asked for the divorce I asked her if there was someone else. I asked a few times. Each time she vehemently denied it.

If she's asking for a divorce out of the blue like mine, just know it's not out of the blue. She's been planning this.

Look for signs of an affair. They are sneaky and I was oblivious to it. We even had Life360 and I could see where she was at all times. Found out they would no shit park behind fast food joints and have sex on her car.

It's painful dude I hear you. I have 3 teens with this lizard brain woman. Prioritize yourself and your kids. Get a lawyer today.

Title	Wife said she wants a divorce for autonomy.
Author	Zelenohorse
Upvotes	56
Comments	68
Date	May 5, 2025 8:26 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1kf6isx/wife_said_she_wants_a_divorce_for_autonomy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/wife-said-she-wants-a-divorce-for-autonomy.1551498 https://theredarchive.com/post/1551498

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