Why do so many men fail at first-date sex if a lot of women are open to it?

Pantherist · 2025-09-16T06:11:35+00:00

Because women go off of the 'vibes' they're getting during the date. This may have everything OR nothing to do with the guy, and is based purely on what they feel (and decide) in that given moment.

All a man can do is maxx himself, do everything possible to make her feel safe and happy during the date, and be outcome-agnostic.

PrinceDestin · 2025-09-16T09:09:39+00:00

I’ve only started to miss the first date sex this year when I hit 25, I’m more selective on the vibe I try to give women, as I got older I wanted to take things slower with certain women and imma be honest

They do not respond well to that shit vs when I would be quicker to make moves

Which sucks because the girls I’d like to take it slow with are ones I might consider to truly date but I’m realizing yea I just gotta do things the same way to get the results I want

Hungry-Forever4108 · 2025-09-16T05:53:02+00:00

Sometimes they like you too much and want you to take them more seriously by putting it off. But usually consenting adults wanna get it on asap lol.

KeyCryptographer913 · 2025-09-16T06:09:21+00:00

I'm one of those men. I'm afraid to be seen as needy or shallow. Most of the women I meet are from dating apps and I think they think most of the guys there only want sex... now that I write it I see how ridiculous it sounds 😅

Annual_Criticism8660 · 2025-09-16T09:17:38+00:00

The hardest hurdle is the first kiss. Many women say they want it, but give zero indication they want a kiss and then reveal later they wanted it sooner.

A guy can be giving all the indications through escalation of touching, facial cues, etc but get nothing back from the woman. Even if they want to escalate.

I’ve now thrown caution to the wind and just escalate to a kiss and so far I’m batting a complete 100%. Only one was hesitant, but I later found out (after we then slept together) it’s because she actually had a boyfriend.

Kgb725 · 2025-09-16T09:13:09+00:00

Because it can be a very bad swing and a miss and can fuck up any future thing if you arent playing your cards right

Icanseethebeach · 2025-09-16T06:49:44+00:00

Because of the social point. Slut shaming. Many men do not make the woman feel comfortable and make the sex things priority, instead of framing the pull to be about some activity, where she will say to herself, im going to his place to play some board games, even tho she knows its about sex. But her saying that to herself, will allow her to act freely

Illustrious_Size610 · 2025-09-16T10:36:25+00:00

What a woman says she wants or doesn't want is something that matters in the moment they say it, not later. If she says she doesn't have sex on the first date she means in the moment she said it. Once the date is happening that can change if she suddenly feels like having sex even though a few hours before she said she didn't have sex on a first date. And vice versa. Just becasue she said she wants to have sex before the date, doesn't mean she will still want it once the date is happening if her feelings change.

MyUsername0_0 · 2025-09-16T06:53:43+00:00

Honestly what I’ve realized is that most men are not patient enough with women for first date sex. Some women need a lot of comfort and don’t want to come off as sluts so you need to build a lot of comfort and reassure that you won’t judge her.

Texan2116 · 2025-09-16T11:42:22+00:00

I do think(im a male, so what do I really know?), that..if a woman is willing to date you, she absolutely has considered that sex will happen..at some point. And if you make her feel good/comfortable, etc, then..it will happen fairly soon.

During my dating phase post divorce...I had first date sex 3 or 4 times, and second date sex pretty similar. And several dates where we didnt vibe as well, and that was it.

One of the funnier situations was a lady and I had a first date at a park, and then sat in my car and had a make out session. Then second date was gonna be me picking her up at her apartment, and then when I arrived to pick her up...she pulled me in to her apartment and literally pulled me into her bedroom for a quickie(we had tickets for a show ).

and I am convinced that most women will absolutely use sex to "get" a man.

DrBarackPendergrass · 2025-09-16T21:17:11+00:00

Because "many men" never thought first date sex was even a possibility, so they play everything "polite and safe" and ask women out to daytime dates at coffee shops and use phrases like "gentleman" and "get to know" when they don't even like coffee in the first damn place.

selfcontrol666 · 2025-09-16T13:55:53+00:00

As a woman I am not afraid of first date sex but it depends solely on the vibe I’m feeling with the person. First dates are first impressions. It could be going fine and dandy until I notice something , like a comment you said, or something I analyze like “he’s drinking too much and slurring his words and now I have the ick”. If I’m feeling you I will make it apparent I want to go home with you.

joker_1173 · 2025-09-16T18:53:23+00:00

I am a man, and I've always had a theory and it has proven to be true time and time again. Women decide within the first 5 seconds of meeting you if they WOULD sleep with you, not that they WILL, if she decides no in those 5 secs - it will never happen. If she decides yes, then its up to the man to not say or do anything stupid enough to change her mind. Simple, but what that stupid thing is will change with each and every woman.

5thquad · 2025-09-16T06:28:13+00:00

Because they are too afraid to go for it fearing they will get rejected. So they play the 'nice guy' role and get upset when it leads nowhere. That turns into women don't want to fuck nice guys.

smackingtadpoles · 2025-09-16T13:53:22+00:00

Bc we are oblivious and honestly have no idea if you want to have sex unless you’re literally telling us or jumping us.

2025-09-16T14:05:17+00:00

They dont make moves. Trick is to just bully shit and have fun with the women on the date. Make them laugh and joke around. Directly say, lets go back to my place

Entrepreneurialcat · 2025-09-16T18:00:37+00:00

They don’t make a move .. I get laid on the first date 90% of the time ..

tajbinjohn · 2025-09-16T18:27:57+00:00

Logistics. Most of my first date sex is from a really close venue to my place. Every time I drive closer to them it becomes much tougher.

Kierenbrowncoach · 2025-09-16T20:23:13+00:00

Great question, and you’re spot on, most women are open to first-date sex. But here’s the twist that most guys miss:

It’s not about whether the opportunity is there. It’s about whether you’re the kind of man she wants to take that opportunity with.

When a woman says, “I don’t have sex on the first date,” she’s often not delivering a universal moral code. She’s often delivering a soft rejection( a socially acceptable way to say, “I don’t feel enough desire for you yet.” Because the truth is, if you were the guy who made her toes curl just from the way you looked at her, the rule would fly out the window.

Women aren’t logic-driven in these moments, they’re emotional. They’re reading your energy, not your resume. They’re asking:

Do I feel safe and excited around this man?

Does he make me feel feminine and sexy?

Is he decisive, grounded, and embodied? Or is he overthinking everything and secretly trying to impress me?

Too many men show up trying to earn sex with polite behaviour instead of evoking it through presence, boldness, and calibrated desire.

They play it safe, suppress their sexuality, and try to “get to know her” like they’re interviewing for a platonic friendship, then wonder why she hugs them at the end of the night and goes home to fantasize about someone else.

Here’s what I teach my clients: Sex isn’t something you ‘get’ from a woman, it’s something you create with her.

The men who succeed on first dates don’t ‘get lucky’, they create craving.

And craving happens when you know who you are, you lead with relaxed confidence, and you can hold both sexual tension and emotional connection without flinching.

When you can make a woman feel both safe and desired, she’ll cross her own lines for you. So yeah, the opportunity is almost always there.

But the real question is:

Are you the man she wants to break her rules for?

Most men aren’t and that’s why they fail at first-date sex.

DMD61491 · 2025-09-16T10:41:09+00:00

Usually because they’re either too hesitant to just go for it when she’s expressed that she’s open to it, or they become too pushy when she’s expressed she’s not into having sex on the first date. Basically the guy misreads or fails to read, her social cues and completely fumble the ball, this either ranges to being friendzoned or losing the girl completely (especially if being overly pushy).

Altruistic-Patient-8 · 2025-09-16T12:55:59+00:00

Counterpoint, its also up to women to make the guy want to have sex with them. All these hints are childish. Just be open.

AdElectrical8323 · 2025-09-19T00:52:48+00:00

Never feel ashamed for wanting sex, and don't let girls trick you into feeling ashamed of it or treat your urges as gross or disgusting.

Chances are those girls get to sleep twice as much as the average guy and have multiple flings or long term boyfriends which they have sex on a daily basis, but it's always the ones who get less sex that will be seen as creeps and get easily manipulated by girls treating them as garbage.

I'm not counting out the escalation part, but believe me, none of us would even be here if our grandparents and parents followed these reddit girls advice on going slow and being a nice guy.

SonyHDSmartTV · 2025-09-16T06:04:58+00:00

Not all men want first date sex? Even though I would I think it's better to wait till like date 3 as you both know each other better and there's more tension

Kodamik · 2025-09-16T09:48:45+00:00

Cause women hide their intentions and penalize guessing wrong.

Mr_Serotonin_ · 2025-09-16T12:43:11+00:00

It both ways usually., I have slipped the first date chances I didn't feel the vibe during the date or they were not hygienic.

Sandvicheater · 2025-09-16T18:23:24+00:00

Because many of us are afraid of blowing the whole opportunity by trying to hard to get in her pants the 1st date because the risk of us being labeled playboy or pump and dump by the girl is to great and she breaks it off for us.

Prisoner's dilemma theory dictates the safe move is not to try and initiate sex on the first date.

noblesixninja · 2025-09-16T23:01:01+00:00

In my experience, not letting a woman open up about her past experiences and judging her shuts this down.

Whenever I am open and encourage them to be themselves it happens naturally. Whether I knew them for a long time or just met them.

Women like direct polarization and open communication.

Cornichonsale · 2025-09-16T10:22:58+00:00

Becarful there's a long stretch between what women say and what they really mean...

BounceThatShit · 2025-09-16T05:55:23+00:00

Imo most guys still will be too scared to be so forward about getting a girl back even after they kiss them. I just feel like some guys are too pussy to be forward and out right tell a girl what they want.

WebNew9978 · 2025-09-16T05:59:38+00:00

Probably because sex is one of the last things a man is expecting from a first date with someone. Plus if said man really likes her, he may wait until the moment is right.

megabyteraider · 2025-09-16T09:17:13+00:00

There’s a Venn diagram displaying women who are DTF with said dudes and one that displays women that said dude is DTF with. The intersection of these two is disappearingly small

No-Most9521 · 2025-09-17T09:44:51+00:00

I can say one source of failure is guys talking too much. Let them talk. It makes them feel like she has put in a lot of effort and you will maintain a superior position (in her point of view). You have gotten a lot and given up not much - you must know what you are doing.

I’m not kidding there are a few things like this where our effort leads to her finding a reason why you don’t remind her of the guys she slept with before; and she switches to another mode. And this other mode is one that she wins easily. She has several ways to win; only one of which involves sex with you.

But if you seem to be the sought after one then you are leading her towards sex as the only win.

This is bullshit calculus but it’s how things seem to be.

costelo33 · 2025-09-16T10:57:36+00:00

That's because many men fall into the "boyfriend material" trap. Women won't be too eager to put out for a guy they might very well marry one day, because what he's going to think? Is he going to value her afterwards? Such a giving, caring, providing guy, he's too precious to fuck up with. If he was just some guy, then why not, who cares. The irony is that during sex we release bond forming hormones like oxytocin, so they are more likely to end up with that other guy anyway.

Dry_Parking3897 · 2025-09-16T20:20:11+00:00

Every single one of my first dates have ended in the bedroom. You need to learn to seduce them. You need to learn what they respond to, which is light teasing and physical touch.

Certain_Process_7657 · 2025-09-16T13:17:59+00:00

Simple answer is that most women still want the mean to lead and initiate especially the first few times. Lots of men are bad at reading subtle hints of interest and fail to escalate.

ThatDarnSmell · 2025-09-16T16:31:55+00:00

As a guy, It's not my thing on day one and I highly doubt "most women" want it on day one.

AirWalker31 · 2025-09-16T21:30:27+00:00

I’ve always struggled with this. When I have first dates, I usually don’t get a second date and no sex … I have done the typical kiss at the end of date and sometimes we make out but never sex.

I used to be needy and clingy but I have changed, I just go with the flow. I don’t think I do well when women are sending signals so I don’t I capitalize on building sexual tension on the first date.

Moneyyz · 2025-09-17T01:27:39+00:00

First date sex shouldn't be the goal so having a mindset around optimizing for this is misguided

OldAtmosphere6069 · 2025-09-19T05:24:52+00:00

I’m stuck between wanting it and not wanting it. I don’t have my place yet, so I understand that I need to build a level of comfort before I barge into a girl’s space.. but at the same time, me not trying to take it to a private space ends up fucking me up. I’m just gonna continue pacing myself how I feel is right in the moment.

Remarkable-North-994 · 2025-09-19T17:45:54+00:00

Because almost all women, even if they are open to it, will say shit like "I don't have sex on the first date" to not seem sltty, it's their anti-slt mechanism.

witblacktype · 2025-09-16T07:13:53+00:00

Because first date sex is mediocre sex. I save it for a relationship where it can be great sex

usul213 · 2025-09-16T07:29:18+00:00

Everyone's open to it if they feel that their dates a catch. Some are open to it anyway

rosy_giggle · 2025-09-16T18:19:13+00:00

Why are you obsessed with having sex on the first date? It’s not a goal you should be pursuing. It can naturally happen but most dates won’t end like that.

stephenin916 · 2025-09-16T14:52:14+00:00

because as you spend your money and prepare to give her an "experience" she might be going because

she is bored

she is hungry

she just wants something to say online to her friends

she wants to insult you with some sort of video

All these things can be true so there is NEVER going to be a "first date sex"

That is why women should never accept a date with a man they are NOT attracted too . Do not go on a date that "he is sorta cute" etc etc ... if you are not attracted to him DO NOT GO, of course , they still will because its free .

IsSierraMistOk · 2025-09-16T20:28:06+00:00

Not having sex on the first date shouldn't be considered a failure especially if there are plans for additional dates.

I've met guys who were great at sex but horrible with relationships. So I'd rather wait and see if we have a non-physical connection before having sex. Sex can be practiced and perfected if needed once that connection is found

IGetBoredSometimes23 · 2025-09-19T23:33:52+00:00

I usually sleep with women on the first date. If the guy doesn't make that happen but wants to, it's because they suck at seducing.

mdeeebeee-101 · 2025-09-16T10:22:56+00:00

Depends on age range also...those looking for LTR partner won't.

Environmental_Cress2 · 2025-09-16T18:26:46+00:00

Honestly dude, if you’re looking for first-date sex and the girl gives it up. Gl with your dick falling off

HumanContract · 2025-09-16T14:24:47+00:00

Take note on who you're asking and what they're looking for. Bc not all of us do first date sex. Most don't.

Erics1987 · 2025-09-16T15:06:23+00:00

Am I the only guy that really doesn't want sex on the first date unless there's a very deep connection? I'd rather get to know the chick a little bit first.

DreamShort3109 · 2025-09-17T01:44:21+00:00

You think someone would get far by asking to bang after a quick meeting? Jail speedrun 101 you got here.

Justwatchinitallgoby · 2025-09-17T01:47:36+00:00

Maybe it’s because it’s the same few men having most of the first date sex 🤷🏼‍♂️

bluefade · 2025-09-16T20:25:24+00:00

Because women have outrageous standards when it comes to men in everything. They think we need to be quadruple platinum star in bed the first night. He is still nervous cut him some slack.

Title	Why do so many men fail at first-date sex if a lot of women are open to it?
Author	Realistic-Bowler7563
Upvotes	425
Comments	180
Date	September 16, 2025 5:49 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1ni9c0z/why_do_so_many_men_fail_at_firstdate_sex_if_a_lot/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/why-do-so-many-men-fail-at-first-date-sex-if-a-lot.1562083 https://theredarchive.com/post/1562083

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