The reason women aren’t engaging with men is not fear of violence

I frequently see people spout the talking point that what’s stops women from going out on dates, accepting advances from men, and pursuing sex with men is a fear of danger. However, I think most evidence suggests that this is not the case and not a genuine concern, but rather an attempt to demonize men and detract from women simply being more less attracted to men as a whole so that men don’t feel as vindictive. The reason for this are that women aren’t attracted to men at the same rate. Men as a demographic are not likely to assault women, The reason we see women ghosting men are not are because of violence, and even in domains absent of physical violence we don’t see women engaging in sexual behavior at the same rates as men.

A common cultural explanation for why women reject advances, avoid dates, or hesitate to pursue sexual relationships with men is the claim that they fear male violence. This argument relies heavily on the fact that men, as a demographic, commit more violent crime than women. When this claim is made independent of any other variables it seems like a compelling explanation, but looking at this closer, it fails to hold up. We all know by now that men women know are more likely to assault them, but they aren’t presumed to be dangerous any more than random people are in fact it is often less so. Why? Because they are humanized, and a removal from this allows people to make judgments that remove the people of making those judgments from being held accountable for what they say and do. This justification often looks like this “Of course it is valid to ghost random men on the, ignore them when they approach you, or treat them poorly to get them to leave u alone even if it’s a little rude it’s ok be rude bc they are dangerous things not people and you should stay safe.”

In everyday life, women encounter men constantly: in workplaces, on public transportation, at social gatherings, in schools, in stores, and in countless other environments. The overwhelming majority of these encounters are entirely uneventful. If men as a group were such a pressing danger, the sheer frequency with which women are around men would lead to far more daily instances of harassment or assault than actually occur. Similarly, most women who accept a date, meet someone through an app, or spend time with male acquaintances are not assaulted. In fact, for the vast majority of women, every dating experience is uneventful with regard to physical harm. The very rarity of such incidents relative to the sheer number of interactions undermines the idea that fear of assault is what drives widespread female disinterest in men.

Even when looking at statistics a broad estimate shows the likelihood of being assaulted by the average stranger is so low it is laughable to make such a claim. The NCVS states that there are roughly 734,630 assaults against women in the US, and assuming each of them had a unique offender that accounts for .57% of men when looking at the male population of 166 million. Now estimating what percent of those assaults where done by strangers we can look at statistics from the CDC that say 12.9% of assaults are committed by strangers, which tells us the likelihood of a random man who is a stranger is roughly .073%. Broadly speaking offenders of crime with household income below 25k a year commit crime at rates 3x above those at avg or above income ($75,000). Let’s just be generous and say 60% offenders are below avg income that leaves 40% of our stranger offender rate which is 0.029% of men being assaulters, not even accounting for the rates of repeat offenders a rough estimate of the likelihood you encounter a man who will assault a woman in a year 1 in 37,120. This doesn’t account for a host of other variables but worth just this alone you are more likely to die in a car accident than encounter a man who will ever assault a woman this year. This is not a fear that is based in reason rather anecdotal evidence and prejudice to give a post hoc rationale for why fearing men is ok. People have already decided that men are dangerously to justify their behavior, and spouting this is an attempt to not make their claims and behavior seem more valid than they seem.

A more convincing explanation is that women, on average, are less attracted to men than men are to women. Evolutionary psychology, mate selection studies, and survey data on sexual desire consistently show that men express higher levels of interest in casual sex, greater willingness to pursue multiple partners, and a lower threshold for attraction. Women are just known to report being more selective, often emphasizing emotional connection, personality, and social status before considering sexual engagement. This in attraction alone is enough to explain why men are more likely to initiate while women are more likely to decline without invoking fear having to be the primary motive.

When looking at the current landscape of how people encounter sexual and romantic relationships it is clear that this is the reason. It’s the reason why you don’t see women sending titty pics at the same rate you see men sending dick pics. It’s the reason why women are disgusted when they do receive them while a man getting unsolicited nude pictures is more likely to be positively received. Wouldn’t it be logical to assume in an environment where the fear of sexual, or even physical violence is absent there would be a more comparable rate of women engaging in sexual activity as men? Wouldn’t it make sense to see women engaging in digital forms of sex at higher or even the same rates as men if it were really fear of violence that were stopping them?

Even if women aren’t motivated to engage in digital sexual behavior we can simply look at dynamics between men and women on dating apps to illustrate this is the case. The widespread phenomenon of ghosting rarely involves fear of immediate violence. Women are less likely to initiate messages with male matches than vice versa, and they are less likely to send texts back than vice versa. Women aren’t ghosting men at the rates they do online because they are afraid they will be assaulted. They stop engaging with men because they are NOT INTERESTED. If you look through other subreddits and communities it is not rare to see women shame men for making sexual advances or claiming that they want sex to begin with. It is common to see a post along the lines of “Why are men so disgusting they just want sex, \insert ss of male sexual advance”. There is no violence here. The shame is purely stemming from men wanting sex in the first place. They are not interested in sex with these men and it is not fear of violence stopping them. It simply reflects disinterest, lack of attraction, and an unwillingness to confront the other person regardless of safety.

Framing women’s lower sexual engagement as a product of fear rather than attraction differences does serve the purpose softening the blow for men who feel rejected, making the issue seem external rather than personal but this framing just demonizes men as a group. It disingenuously paints men as potential threats rather than individuals in a complex social and sexual marketplace. A more honest discussion recognizes that men and women differ in baseline levels of desire and attraction, and that rejection is not inherently a statement about safety.