How to forgive

GoldBunch7294 · 2026-01-15T04:10:14+00:00

One thing that helped me was learning the difference between caring and taking responsibility. You can still love your children fiercely without being consumed by the pain of the divorce or the actions of your ex. That shift doesn’t happen overnight, but practicing it slowly can keep you grounded in the chaos.

I also found it helpful to get guidance from outside sources — I came across a course on navigating divorce and co-parenting that offered concrete tools for staying steady emotionally and protecting the kids. It wasn’t a magic fix, but it gave me language and structure to handle the really intense days when everything felt like it was falling apart.

You’re allowed to feel anger, betrayal, and grief. You’re not failing, and forgiveness isn’t a requirement right now just staying present for your kids and yourself is already monumental. Take it one step, one day, one conversation at a time.

Terrible-Mind2633 · 2026-01-04T13:07:27+00:00

Forgiveness is not a simple journey or a yes or no answer. Forgiveness is something you need to explore and spar with, because it’s challenging but a blessing once you come full circle with it. Don’t mistake forgiveness for excepting her decisions or understanding her choices, that’s something completely different. Forgiveness for me is understanding that this person is flawed and misguided in ways that I don’t understand and can’t control just as I am. We all deserve some grace and forgiveness from ourselves and others. I would take a while and think about what the idea of forgiveness really means and try to put it into practice, could be a great example for your kids.

ItzDayByDay · 2026-01-03T22:59:10+00:00

Even if she hasn't asked for forgiveness, holding bitterness and resentment in your heart will only hurt you.

BUT... its raw right now. You need time, and you need to be kind to yourself. Try not to let resentment make you do anything that will make things worse though and hinder your healing.

Take it one day at a time.

falcon0221 · 2026-01-03T17:41:29+00:00

You don’t. It shouldn’t be forgiven. You can ignore that person, a dime a dozen.

MountainLopsided6436 · 2026-01-03T16:27:27+00:00

This will take time. Not because time heals but things have to happen first. You cannot when you are still in the middle of the divorce. You have to accept and move on first. You have to heal and feel safe first. Give yourself grace and focus on you and the kids for now.

Electronic_instance · 2026-01-03T14:52:37+00:00

Forgiveness is for people who ask for forgiveness and show remorse. Has she done that? If not, you don’t have to forgive anything.

I do recommend you try to avoid ruminating over who’s to blame however, whether it’s her or you.

BW-Journal · 2026-01-03T13:38:14+00:00

You don't need to forgive, it's not mandatory. Right now you are in the trenches. Expecting yourself to fight the war and forgive you enemy at the same time is asking too much of anybody. Right now your priority is your kids and yourself. Just focus on that.

Later on, much later can come forgiveness. But remember that the forgiveness is for you, not them. It's ONLY so you can move on without bitterness, not to let them get away with anything. But that's much much later. Just focus on getting through the next hurdle for now.

You must be a great guy to immediately think of forgiveness, but for now just get through what you have to.

Candidate_Worldly · 2026-01-03T12:50:26+00:00

Don't forgive her. Ignore her as much as possible with kids involved. She is dead to you now.

Bran_Solo · 2026-01-03T07:30:31+00:00

You don't have to forgive her. She's not your partner anymore.

Right now you're in a "help yourself before you can help others" situation. Take care of yourself.

BathAutomatic6972 · 2026-01-03T05:26:59+00:00

Don’t forgive her. Don’t be kind. Talk to attorney, get the 100 yard stare. Therapy. Books. Etc.

TxAlive · 2026-01-03T04:44:44+00:00

Good luck with telling the kids brother, but know this: your kids will be better off with a dad that is present when he is with them (and not worrying about that confused STBX) and who puts them first. You cant change a deranged woman's mind but you can be the best dad possible. Focus on what you can do. By not forgiving the bitch, you take away from your own mental stability and your kids joy, nothing else. Focus solely on the kids and making every day as stable as possible for them. It is all we can do, but its alot. I went off the rails when my ex left me and I lost tons of quality time with the kids, by focusing on my ex instead.

NotYours25 · 2026-01-03T03:16:37+00:00

It’s a lot easier to forgive than is to forget.

EnvironmentalRate853 · 2026-01-02T23:04:43+00:00

I'm in the same position. Will be divorcing in 2026, kids 13yo through to 8 yo. I've struggled with it but have come to believe that I will be much better with them and for them. At present, my wife nurture (coddles) the kids too much and there is no routine. That leads to chaos and me being the 'bad guy'.

I'm pushing for and expecting 50/50. It'll be a tough adjustment for everyone. The kids will need to change schools and move from a private school to a public one. I've come to accept thats not such a bad thing. STBXW and I will still need to coordinate on likely a daily basis around sport and medical appointments.

The vision I have for the future is a much less polluted relationship with my kids. It's going to be tough transitioning the kids to new houses, schools and routines. But they are resilient. They only suffer when the parents conflict.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-01-02T20:15:52+00:00

I feel this. We did marriage therapy but she quit the program early. The first session her and the therapist said ‘don’t think about the kids in your decisions’. As soon as she dropped the D-bond, she says ‘we have to do what’s best for the kids now’. Unbelievable. Cake and eat it too scenario. Narcissistic behavior to the max. I call her the ‘Me Monster’ since she’s trying to make it all about her.

Reflog1791 · 2026-01-02T19:46:52+00:00

Your premise is flawed. Your children can still thrive, and even flourish, after your divorce.

Dwell on how to improve your life and your children’s lives. When you’ve accomplished that, you will not only forgive your ex, you will thank her for removing herself.

I attained a lot more influence in my kid’s growth and development after divorce. Blaming my ex for any little problem with my kid would accomplish nothing.

My ex is just a run of the mill thot. Why would I let that permanently harm my kid?

Confident_Ask8782 · 2026-01-02T18:27:20+00:00

You don’t owe anyone forgiveness. Why does it even matter? Who is actually being hurt by you not forgiving her? Not her. She doesn’t care. Forgiveness or no forgiveness doesn’t change her life one bit.

So do whatever brings you peace. Whatever lets you breathe easier.

And if the real question is how to hurt her the way she hurt you, the answer is simple. Be happy. Genuinely, visibly happy. Build a life that feels full. Wear that happiness every day and let it speak for you. Nothing cuts deeper than knowing you moved on and thrived.

This obsession with forgiveness is nonsense. Peace does not require absolution. It requires self respect.

Fuck the forgiveness!!!

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2026-01-02T18:18:57+00:00

You don’t forgive her unless you are ready.

LoveCrispApples · 2026-01-02T18:13:45+00:00

I don't forgive her and never will. I just find her disgusting and reprehensible, but I do it quietly.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-01-02T18:03:14+00:00

Three months in separation process. I’m with you, I will never forgive her. We have 3 kids (11,8,6) and she blew it all up by giving up. She was jealous of her own kids and my relationship with them as a father because I wanted better than I had growing up. And her own unresolved childhood trauma that was somehow put on me. What a selfish act. Text communication only and I’ll turn and walk away if I ever see her in public. It might be petty but until I heal I’m steadfast. Good luck, I wish you peace.

Ambitious-Sale-198 · 2026-01-02T17:47:42+00:00

You don't have to rush to forgive. You do that for yourself, not her.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2026-01-02T17:45:48+00:00

If you are amicable with your co-parent your kiddos will be fine. Divorce only causes trauma when mom and dad cannot act like adults.

In time you will want to forgive. Forgiveness is for you, it has nothing to do with your ex. It is letting go of the anger and bitterness, but maintaining appropriate boundaries as she broke your trust. It is not saying what she did is ok....this is where people get forgiveness all wrong.

50% time off from your kids is nirvana. Right now you are spiralling because of all the change. In 2 years you will be a new (and much improved) man and father. It doesn't seem like it now but your ex gave you a phenomenal gift.

RyanGetty1 · 2026-01-02T17:21:58+00:00

You don't need to forgive her or she to ask you for forgiveness. What you need to worry about is when your kids become adults, would they be well-rounded human beings, and if they will send your ass to a government assisted home for you to be tortured by ebt recipients that are FORCED to work in such homes due to the "welfare-to-work program.

drchex77 · 2026-01-02T17:21:16+00:00

I'm struggling with this right now too. She has fallen out of love with me due to my emotional avoidance and taking her for granted. I'm making all of the necessary improvements in myself including therapy. But she's not warming up. 1 month of improvement can't make up for years of selfishness on my part.

But the outcome will be worse for everyone if we go through with it and tell the kids. Worst thing is she is stay at home and I work full time, so I don't see how I'll be able to spend much time with the kids. So I'll move out, won't see the kids as much but the kids will think I'm leaving them. And I won't be able to tell them the truth because I need to be supportive for them and respect their mother (whom I still love).

It's a horrible situation of my own making. Hard to live with the reality I've created.

CrazySanta7 · 2026-01-02T17:18:43+00:00

This whole forgiveness thing is b.s. Everyone says 'forgiveness is for you'. What a crock. Most people say they forgive, but are still angry at that person. When people do me wrong, i don't have to forgive them. They knew exactly what they were doing. I'm not going to dwell on it, but they can F%%% all the way off.

DudeforRighteousness · 2026-01-02T17:15:41+00:00

Yep. She doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. She lied to herself that it's better for the kids because that's what is convenient. The forgiveness may come in time. But my ex left more than 2 years ago and I'm still not there fully.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2026-01-02T17:03:10+00:00

It was hard for us to do it. We actually told them before I found out about her cheating and after we did marriage counseling.

Most important part, don't tell them you're having a family meeting tonight or you're gonna have them wondering what's up.

Just tell them to come downstairs. You and your wife need to be sitting together and have a united front.

Your mom and I are going to separate and divorce. This is not your fault. You're not changing schools or having to leave this home. Mom and I love you and that will never change.

Recommend you be prepared with child counselors. Make them go even if it's only once.

Mine went for a couple months and I think it helped.

Funny_Object_5538 · 2026-01-02T17:03:02+00:00

You don’t have to forgive her. But I’ll save you some time, you do need to accept it’s happening and control what you can. Your kids world is about to be blown up and they are the only innocent victims in this. Be the dad they deserve, best version of you. Be steady. Be calm. Don’t trash mom to them. They need 100% support and love from both to get thru. You can do this

SaaSWriters · 2026-01-02T17:02:10+00:00

How do I forgive her for this?

The most effective way is to recognise how you put yourself in this position.

Then, you forgive yourself for all that.

At that point, you will find it much easier to forgive her.

Slowloris81 · 2026-01-02T16:57:00+00:00

Why is forgiveness needed? Acceptance of the situation is a more important factor to move forward.

TheMindfulWarrior9 · 2026-01-02T16:48:26+00:00

Disclaimer I don’t have kids. I’m also an atheist so forgiveness is a little bit of a touchy subject for me, but I think of forgiveness not as actually forgiving the other person, but getting to a point where you can let the divorce go and it no longer has power over you. I think that’s gonna take a long time and a lot of effort and there’s no rush. I think the concept of forgiving someone else who isn’t asking for forgiveness, i.e. in your case your wife is divorcing you and not trying to reconcile comes from religious doctrine and isn’t necessarily a requirement.

Here’s another way to think about it. Do you have an old ex-girlfriend that may broke your heart from years ago? It’s obviously different than marriage but at some point you probably got to a place where you let it go and you didn’t feel defined by that breakup, maybe even you genuinely wish the best for that person even if you don’t condone what they did to you or even want to associate with them I don’t know that that’s how I think about it

Delicious-Curious · 2026-01-02T16:46:39+00:00

We haven’t told our kids yet but this is going to be the hardest part. My wife claims she will “do anything” for our kids — but anything I guess doesn’t mean trying to heal our marriage first. Instead it’s a selfish approach and her “me first, I’m using my voice” attitude that is going to tear our family apart. I’m going to have a hard time forgiving and I refuse to tell her I agree with divorce so all the mental weight and emotion is on her unilateral decision.

WhydIJoinRedditAgain · 2026-01-02T16:42:59+00:00

I had this conversation with our 5 and 8 year old a few months ago.

I don't think I'll ever forgive her. I don't know why it would be incumbent upon me to do the work on this one; I've done most of the work through the course of the relationship and look what it got me.

It is only my job to be there for the kids and help them get through this. That is where my energy goes. Not towards forgiving someone who doesn't believe they've done anything wrong.

alwaylearning47 · 2026-01-02T16:40:49+00:00

What brought on the need for a divorce?

Title	How to forgive
Author	TxAlive
Upvotes	43
Comments	87
Date	January 2, 2026 4:35 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1q23amv/how_to_forgive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-forgive.1570248 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570248

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