What goes on in women who are 30+ that decide to settle down?

mistresswhat · 2020-02-07T04:02:26+00:00

The unproven assumption that these women by and large aren't attracted to their husbands is doing a lot of work here.

NockerJoe · 2020-02-07T04:49:35+00:00

Its one of those things you don't comprehend until you experience it. I didn't really "get it" until a single mother of 2 tried it on me while confiding her thoughts in me to people who told me.

I don't wanna say its all women but there 100% is a demographic of women who fuck around and do nothing professionally and basically throw their lives away then look for a stable guy who isn't like the kinda dudes they're attracted to but is going places and visibly "different" from the exciting bad boy. It happens chapter and verse.

From what I've seen it seems to be humbling in the sense that you gotta realize you're the problem and you acted on impulses and got yourself into this situation. Picking a beta is a rational choice rather than an impulsive one in cases like that. It just sucks to be that guy and playing dad to kids of a woman who was older than me and her body was going and her mind was never there wasn't what I wanted.

zerofeetpersecond · 2020-02-07T03:40:11+00:00

Years ago I was 28 on a date with a 32 year old single mom. To begin, she gave me her number without me asking for it, which if she actually cared would have been cool. I was best man with groom and friends at a pub crawl / bachelor party, the bar was way more women than men. We bullshitted a bit. She was upfront about the kid which I appreciated. Because she was upfront and no bullshit about it at first I naively thought it wouldn’t be an issue.

As I recall she had kid around 21, baby daddy apparently looked like a model in her words and he also happened to be in jail for man slaughter for next 10 years because he drove drunk and killed passenger/ the other woman he was seeing. During one of our earlier dates she mentioned to me that she was “done with good looking men because they aren’t good in bed anyway.” Obviously this is red flag 3 at this point. I’m a minority and she told me I’m “the whitest minority she knows.” She always had excuses for what she couldn’t accomplish because of motherhood, meanwhile she had multiple relatives taking her kid on overnight on a continual ongoing basis (one down the street one 10’minutes away). Her family, from everything I saw was super on top of helping her raise her kid, and all indications suggest they were great people, and very kind to me. She did want sex all the time. The next flag was BJs off the table but she wanted oral. If not a shit-test, certainly an indicator of sociopathy. The final flag was her mentioning to me that we weren’t going to be exclusive and she wanted to date around, but that her son said I’m his favorite and he misses me. Keep in mind she’s inviting me over around her son (and who knows how many other men).

Obviously I got the hell out of Dodge faster than a jack rabbit riding a mare being chased by coyotes. I have a better job now, more hobbies, and overall positive shit going on for myself. I can’t imagine how horrible life would be if I knocked up a chick like her years ago. There is no shortage of women in 30s who think they are as hot as the next celebrity woman who gets paid for their looks. They literally take fashion magazines with them to hair appointments and request “the so and so look.”

GridReXX · 2020-02-07T01:40:09+00:00

Those women weren’t going to marry the men they wanted at 21 either.

Nothing has changed here.

NeedingAdvice86 · 2020-02-07T04:24:30+00:00

There is a deadline on having a family....women know it and despite all the PPD virtue signaling.....women start to hit the panic button at the 27 to 31 year old mark...

It has shifted somewhat later in the last generation because western society has made children of these babies until they are 24 or 26 years old.... Their behavior simply changes into a near panic level of hurry...because they know that they need to be dating someone soon, engaged by 30 or so....get married a year later and spend a year or two as newlyweds which makes them a mother at 35.....and if they want more children they are looking at being a 40yo prego….not the stuff of fairy tales.

The cruz of the situation is that despite the autistic\slut stuff on reddit...most normal women don't go on a decade long fucking sprees in their youth...most normal girls are not comfortable with getting naked and fucking some rando they met 30 mins ago in some dark, stinky nightclub or bar and think it is beyond disgusting. There is only a small segment of club playas\sluts in each city and they incestuously make the most noise and skew the number of n-counts in town.

There is reason why every study done shows that the more high quality attractive a girl is, the less sexual partners she will have in her life time...EVERY STUDY.

Because anyone who has dated an actual HB9 and taken her to a club or rave knows that it is an exercise in disgust for her to fend off 100s of dudes, ass slapping and other sexual harassment for two hours.....it isn't nearly the orgy of validation that thirsty dudes on reddit fantasize it would be....imaging having 100 fatso and uggo trolls in a constant state of heat hovering around and slapping your ass for 3 hours.

reluctantly_red · 2020-02-07T01:32:07+00:00

They think they've finally found a man that they want to settle down with that also wants to settle down with them.

It's about as traumatic as realizing your not going to be an astronaut or ballerina when you grow up.

leigh_hunt · 2020-02-07T03:01:43+00:00

this idea that women are finally deciding to settle down after sowing their wild oats presumes that they’re constantly getting marriage proposals throughout their 20s. since most men in their 20s are not in a hurry to get married I find this hard to believe

2020-02-07T03:59:40+00:00

I was not ready to settle down until later in life because I valued my freedom and loved living in my own apartment and did not want a husband who would boss me around. It was the correct decision and I have no regrets about staying single for so long. There was no cock carousel and there was no debauchery. I just loved being alone.

When I got older I felt a longing in my heart for love, and I found that love. If only I had met him sooner, I would have been more than happy to marry in my twenties. Love changed my brain and I have him now and it's amazing to me.

superincongruent · 2020-02-07T04:37:49+00:00

Serious post:

If you date women in their early 30s, you run into these Husband Hunter types. They have a timeline to get married and have a child. If you go on more than a date or two with these types, you realized that they don't really care about you personally at all, just that you strikeoff all the boxes on their checklist. It is more like interviewing for a job than 20s fun dating.

IMO that doesn't mean 30+ women stop liking attractive guys, just that that Husband Hunter tactics don't necessarily work with them. The guys that go for it are probably the ones with minimal options. Sometimes it works great, sometimes it fails, so women are playing the odds here. (Like how I though the niner moneyline was the best bet.) Not every married guy is a woeful beta, and 99% of criminal failures are losers.

And, not all 30+ women are like this, and there are younger women who DO think like this, so "the wall" isn't any sort of rule or anything.

ElGupo1978 · 2020-02-07T01:59:18+00:00

This is the element of this debate I don’t understand, you guys really think females are conducting a male beauty contest ? And that they settle beta providers because they’ve hit the wall and can’t attract hot guys anymore ? That’s really really fucking dumb.

Women are not men, they are not looking for trophy husbands. Women show of to other women with the big fat diamond ring their husband bought her not her husbands abs.

yasee · 2020-02-07T01:21:32+00:00

just cuz you don't find those guys attractive doesn't mean their partners don't

2020-02-07T03:05:20+00:00

Same thing that goes on in men who havent found a partner yet. Their aging and cant fit in as well with the younger faster people. Both men and women realize they kinda fucked up and will date outside their league (of you will) because they have standards, and some of them it's too high

2020-02-07T11:07:05+00:00

Everyone is pretty average looking in their 30’s and it just gets more average from there, considering that attractive men are also bolder. Everyone is more likely to have been with more attractive people when they are younger.

There’s a book called Falling in Love Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose and there’s a lot of discussion about work affars, since chemistry is easier to find with people who spend time with every day and share things in common, which is why high school romance is so easy- you have everything in common and haven’t developed many standards. Or you might go through some exciting or scary event with someone. It talks about when you meet someone you can’t put your finger on that reminds you of a past lover or lovers which is where love at first sight or otherwise mystical intense immediate attraction comes from.

No lie- the only man I ever chased was the last one. He was 35 and by far the least physically attractive of any man I’d been with. He was insecure as hell. There was just something about his energy and the way I felt in his arms. I did not give a single shit about his money (but he did have a hang up about being used.) My friends were all like ’Ew, what are you thinking? Look at you and look at him!‘ He was not even that good in bed. That’s my one that got away. Never felt that way about anyone in my life. I was obsessed.

Curiouspersistence · 2020-02-07T03:19:15+00:00

Real talk? In high school girls are really mean, and if you date the guy you think is cute that they think sucks, they'll be mean to you and the guy you like. It sucks, but there it is.

Once you're in your twenties you don't want to settle down. You finally don't have to listen to anyone's rules but your own! Unless your dating, then decisions need to be us decisions, and you don't want to lose the freedom just yet. You learn who you are and what you want and don't want, and if you realize you want a relationship you pick the guy you're really into and don't give a damn what anyone thinks.

Barneysparky · 2020-02-07T01:28:27+00:00

[removed]

lickybumbum69420 · 2020-02-07T01:50:18+00:00

I kinda feel like your 20’s is a very humbling experience for both sexes.

You go into it with dreams and a map of things you want to do and accomplish. Then you get hit with the harsh realities of adulthood. I’m not saying people don’t have fun in their 20’s, it’s just such a huge change from being a child and there’s gonna be some growing pains.

mechanical_elves · 2020-02-07T01:26:04+00:00

What goes on in women who are 30+ that decide to settle down?

quiet desperation

DangZagnut · 2020-02-07T01:45:38+00:00

"Average" guys are disgusting. It means a woman is average. Women don't marry down, they don't even form relationships "down", sex and fun? Maybe. But a "real" relationship? Nope.

Women aren't "humbled" marrying down, it's a financial arrangement. I mean, women don't suffer financially when a marriage ends, so what's the net negative on that investment?

crookedsummer2019 · 2020-02-07T12:32:39+00:00

What goes on in men who are 30+ that decide to settle down? How come they aren’t settling down at 20?

For all the talk of women who don’t settle in their 20s, where are all the men that same age who want to settle down? How many 22 year old men do we know who want to get married and have kids? Even if young women wanted to, who are they supposed to be settling down with? Middled aged men? Who? lol I don’t get the logic here.

Hedy__Lamarr · 2020-02-07T16:29:29+00:00

So many of the comments on this subreddit make realize how little men (at least the men of reddit) know about women. They speak with an air of authority about what women think, want and feel that has no basis in reality. It makes it even more amusing when they argue with women, telling actual women what women want. Because women are apparently too stupid to know what they want.

blackedoutfast · 2020-02-07T20:02:43+00:00

several things are happening at the same time.

they've probably started to figure out that the sexy alpha guys that they've been dating/fucking/chasing aren't going to settle down and commit to them.

they're hitting the wall and getting less attention from those sexy alpha guys too.

they're feeling their biological clock ticking and know that if they want to get married and have kids and all that, they need to get started ASAP.

they're also seeing a LOT of their friends getting married and starting families. they're being bridesmaids and going to baby showers. they don't want to miss out and be the last single girl. this is a huge factor that a lot of people miss. engagements/marriages infect social groups like a viral outbreak. no one wants to be first, but once someone does it, then no one wants to be the last.

at the same time a lot of those kinda unattractive beta guys who have been busting their ass at their career are doing pretty well financially. they have a good amount of money saved up, maybe a house, and maybe getting promoted to higher level positions with better work-life balance. all of these things are appealing to women looking for a potential husband/father.

I don't it's traumatic or anything. these women's priorities change and the successful but boring beta does become more appealing than the sexy alpha fuckboy player.

the problem is that it doesn't last. once she has the marriage and kids, her priorities shift back. but now she's stuck in a marriage with an unsexy beta. thus all the failed/failing marriages, cheating, divorce, and dead bedrooms

mandoa_sky · 2020-02-07T01:20:59+00:00

change in priorities?

hotness is only so far compared to someone who is incapable of looking after their own home.

diffdedbed · 2020-02-07T01:52:46+00:00

By mid 30's you realize life isn't forever and if you don't start to get your shit together it will be too late, this is especially true for women who want children.

Humbled, no, different priorities yes.

JewelM419 · 2020-02-07T02:02:27+00:00

You fuck someone for their looks and marry someone for their personality, life situation, and also maybe looks. You often can’t have all three, and women over 30 are mature enough not to make a decision like marrying someone based on something shallow. They are settling, but most women do like other aspects about the people they marry, and those things make them seem attractive.

intersIn · 2020-02-07T02:11:31+00:00

There is no need to settle down in your 20s. You can still get away with doing idiotic stuff...in your thirties ppl are going to expect you to have your shit together. If you don't, well then you start to look like a loser. Not to mention a fair number of people are commitment phobic and the thought of settling down is terrifying.

And frankly, this revenge fantasy of "the wall" is ridiculous. You can buy pretty, skinny, thin, just about any external fix can be bought. 98 percent of the time, I can't even tell if a man or woman did get "work" down. In this part of CA both genders get work done. There isn't a stigma.

It's the internal stuff, (arthritis, lower metabolism, back, knee, issues, etc) that terrifies me. There isn't a quick and easy solution for these. Who cares about the outward appearance, either gender, can easily purchase young.

maxtorrz · 2020-02-07T01:28:36+00:00

They've realized all the "hot guys" they used to fuck are either total douchebags or taken by more attractive women who locked them down. Dont listen to the bullshit from women on here trying to save face. They are definitely settling when they marry average joe to have some financial security and pretend to be happy.

hotromeoforyou · 2020-02-07T01:30:17+00:00

Less men take them seriously.

Even Lesser are ready to date them .

Even lesser get ready to marry .

They pretty much ran out of options . Tables have turned now and they just quickly grasp the low hanging fruit as they can’t jump high anymore .

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2020-02-07T01:59:08+00:00

"The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise"

AdolfGandi · 2020-02-07T04:40:37+00:00

[deleted]

SherbertBacon · 2020-02-07T10:25:20+00:00

I saw girls always trying to punch above their league, so to speak

You did? That must be very unique to where you live.

I've been seeing 35+ year old attractive women getting married to 35+ year old average guys

It almost looks like appearances matter less to women than men (though they may still matter some). It's almost as if TRP is wrong about something.

Is this settling traumatic for women? Are they "humbled" so to speak?

Do you mean to ask if an entire group of people collectively feel the exact same emotion, as if they made the exact same decisions for the exact same reasons?

2020-02-07T12:01:49+00:00

Im 35+ and the chances are high that most single women you meet have had a serious/very serious LTR in the past (or 2). They've most likely "settled down" already once or twice, meaning they have been in LTRs for 5+ years often including cohabitation. Something has gone wrong in previous relationships and they are back on the market. It'd be pretty strange if a woman had got past 35 without having a serious LTR.

Such women usually have a fairly practical idea of what they want as they have plenty of experience in relationships, but being single they probably also want to have a bit of fun on the way.

Some get progressively desperate as they feel their biological clock ticking and will jump into bed quickly as they want to snap up a guy quickly.

Some women just stay single and continue their 30s life into their 40s. They might continue sleeping around, younger guys are up for that.

WicGoingAnonymous · 2020-02-07T12:26:06+00:00

It seems like women settle down for guys they don't find super physically attractive.

OR!

Dating, like everything else has a learning curve. You start out by dating attractive, because that's what your hormones tell you to do. But as you gain experience and knowledge, it turns out that dating attractive is not how you get a happy relationship.

So you learn and adjust and learn and adjust. And eventually you end up with a long list of mandatory items and looks isn't one of them.

Those woman are not settling. They just aren't superficial teenagers anymore.

DontTouchTheCancer · 2020-02-07T13:07:27+00:00

Ah yes, the 30something game of musical chairs where they suddenly look for one who isn't a felon and has some kind of thing going on.

And lest you think I'm a misogynistic prick, this was the basis of a "Cathy" cartoon by "right on" feminist cartoonist Cathy Guisewite.

sosayeth · 2020-02-07T14:03:25+00:00

Panic

Willow-girl · 2020-02-07T16:19:50+00:00

For me, I felt like everything else in my life was on track ... I had a career that I enjoyed and a cute little house; the only thing lacking was someone to share it with. The final piece in the puzzle, one might say ...

crookedsummer2019 · 2020-02-07T16:52:13+00:00

Maybe if some men aimed higher women would would make more of an effort. But a lot of men (not all, but a significant number) are happy to accept open legs regardless of whatever is beneath the surface, which makes it very easy for women not to have to do a damn thing and whose fault is that? Is this a valid reason to judge women? Because a lot of men don’t even bother to expect more than ‘does she pass the boner test?’

Can’t spend years enjoying burgers then ridicule burgers for not being steaks while commenting on the lack of good steaks.

Also applies to women who fuck around with players for years then complain about lack of good men.

Buddy400 · 2020-02-07T20:06:28+00:00

One would imagine that they lower their standards or they change their standards.

If they think that they lowered their standards, they may feel "humbled". This could make them resent the guy they "settled" for. Probably not good for the marriage.

If they changed their standards, they may think that they've "wised up". In this case, everything may work out for the best.

Either way, they need to understand that it will only work out well if they actually have sex with the guy they "settled" for

ReignRain95 · 2020-02-07T21:21:30+00:00

maturity

Jaooooeee · 2020-02-07T01:32:29+00:00

Men who are functional adults and men who look like models are rarely the same people.

Men are rarely functional adults at all.

Jaooooeee · 2020-02-07T03:28:34+00:00

They lose their cool after the wall and 50% become single moms

vicistvic · 2020-02-07T01:56:15+00:00

If the men are virgins, they have succeeded in fulfilling their biological imperative to mate with a chaste man for a lifetime of commitment.

2020-02-07T10:01:53+00:00

Dusty ovaries.

Orange_Paisley · 2020-02-07T01:34:00+00:00

Maybe they met someone they like and who likes them back?

lionhart280 · 2020-02-07T02:14:55+00:00

Read up on the 36% rule, it's a common thing that occurs in many systems.

Also known as The Secretary Problem.

That's all there is to it.

In order to judge the quality if a lifetime mate, you need enough sample data to tell shitty mates from good, and be able to spot a quality partner.

20~30 is roughly the age range people hit the 36% mark and have enough sample data to confidently detect 'a good one'

createweirdstories · 2020-02-07T02:18:53+00:00

It would be impossible for me to settle because I'm only turned on by beauty so trying to fuck a guy uglier than me would be r*pe.

brokegradstudent_93 · 2020-02-07T01:19:46+00:00

The hot guys at 35+ are usually taken. But also she might find the guy attractive, you don’t know

Barneysparky · 2020-02-07T04:20:07+00:00

Because they are mentally and finacially ready to commit to the person they will spend their lives with, buy a house, and have kids. They are fully ready to take on adult responsibilities.

Like their Male counterparts.

newyearzz2020 · 2020-02-07T06:55:34+00:00

Here’s an analogy:

It’s like being given a few Lamborghinis (Chad) to drive in your 20s then when you’re 35, the lambos are taken away from you and being told you can now only drive a Toyota Prius (billy beta)

Pola_Lita · 2020-02-07T07:18:42+00:00

It seems like women settle down for guys they don't find super physically attractive. Is this settling traumatic for women? Are they "humbled" so to speak?

This is probably more wishful thinking than anything else. There's a significant number of unhappy men who believe they'd be happier if women in general were unhappier overall. OP's choice of the words "hitting the wall" and "humbled" might indicate this type of belief.

What I've seen is that for those for whom physical attractiveness is important, then that's what they'll find in a partner, male or female. It's just a matter of prerequisites.

And do my husband's abs matter? Yes, they do. :)

87AudreyHorne · 2020-02-07T08:45:34+00:00

Well most girls who marry in their 30ies do with the guys they've been with for long enough time so it's more a relationship progression than some mental switch. Some guys get bald or put on weight so her average looking husband was actually once her hot boyfriend..

Also a lot of people are a bit confused about many parts of their lives that have nothing to do with relationships during their 20ies, I know many people who had a few years block after university (not to mention university itself going on for quite a while until late 20ies) and hard time transitioning to work life, many still really depend on their parents a lot, or maybe just try stuff like living abroad for a few years. A lot of people have different types of identity crisis faced with all this.

It takes some time and after a while (which is often at some point in the 30ies) a good deal of people do get a hang of life and self reliance and at least have some type of hold onto the situation whatever it is. At that point their relationships also get less tremulous because they dont fall collateral victims to all these outside things and two people in love dont really have many obstacles to a life together.

These 35+ year olds probably arent any more or less average than they were 10 years ago it's just that you're looking at them now through perimeters of people with some jobs and Netflix instead of their younger and more dramatic versions that didnt want to end up as that kind of "normal"

Title	What goes on in women who are 30+ that decide to settle down?
Author	LS257
Upvotes	20
Comments	260
Date	February 7, 2020 1:17 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/f02s75/what_goes_on_in_women_who_are_30_that_decide_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-goes-on-in-women-who-are-30-that-decide-to.331052 https://theredarchive.com/post/331052

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