What’s the most important thing you’ve learned since discovering FDS?

bisanti · 2021-02-14T17:55:50+00:00

Love this post. I have three.

If he wanted to, he would.
Return the same energy and never more.
Love and prioritize yourself before all. Never compromise on your set boundaries.

wrice05 · 2021-02-14T18:19:09+00:00

I'm not crazy.
I don't have to put up with this.
I have the immense privilege of being born into a generation that has more economic freedom than any previous generation of women. Unlike my mother and grandmothers, I don't HAVE to get married. And FDS has awakened me to the fact that not only do I not have to buy into the societal pressure to marry and the narrative that I am less-than for being single, I get to REVEL in a beautiful, comfortable single life that my grandmothers would have killed for.

NotSoBunny · 2021-02-14T17:45:08+00:00

That they really do know what they are doing. It's wonderful to not feel crazy.

Mcccy · 2021-02-14T17:59:03+00:00

1)That I don't have to tolerate bad behaviour and sexism from men

2)My feelings and safety are more important than their ego

3)I don't have high standards, the bar is just in literal hell

autumnxo92 · 2021-02-14T18:44:04+00:00

Sexual attention from a man means absolutely nothing

threedotlove · 2021-02-14T18:27:21+00:00

If he wanted to, he would. This was the biggest thing for me.
He knows what he is doing. If I have to communicate more than once, it mea s he doesn’t care.
Trust my instincts. They are there to protect me & I am not being ‘crazy’

WingLate · 2021-02-14T18:19:29+00:00

I’ve learned some big things:

Many men don’t see women as human beings, and it’s not my job to try to win over those men. “If he wanted to be would” doesn’t matter if he doesn’t see you as an actual person. His “dream girl” isn’t real if he sees women as things — it’s his dream object. Men like that will never be satisfied and it ends up being a miserable life for the women they end up with. And it isn’t my fault.

The solution isn’t to try and become the shiniest object possible before your patina fades. The solution is to be happy, even without a man. Find a man that sees you as a person, loves you, and enhances your joy. Otherwise, just live your life as a happy single person.

And freeze your eggs if you want a family because rushing always leads to bad choices.

It’s okay to be feminine and doesn’t make you “bad” or “lesser” to indulge in girly things that spark joy. I love pink and flowers and butterflies and my decor says as much. And it’s okay because it makes me happy.

Embrace your humanity instead of fighting it.

Those are the big things I’ve learned.

vaguelinen · 2021-02-14T18:02:23+00:00

That I am not a hypocrite in being focused on the important emotional connection but thinking gifts count. My ex’s were so LVM and I was all cool girl in agreeing flowers etc were silly. My current boyfriend (still under vetting for HVM status - I guess that’s another thing I’ve learned) bought me amazing flowers for the most superfluous of reasons very early on and I was all, “that’s not necessary” and he called me out on that as I sounded so insanely happy on the phone and why would he not want more of hearing that in my voice?

I’m not shallow. I’m all about the real stuff and keep every hand scribbled note but I still deserve flowers and weekends away. Pretending those things don’t give me a lift and bring joy to my life is just a lie. If I’m giving my all to a relationship (which I do) then I deserve everything big to small; holidays to “I picked this bit of holly because the leaves just looked so perfect and I thought you’d like that.”

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-02-14T19:05:45+00:00

That withholding sex/relationships and my time from men is so satisfying, rewarding and fulfilling.

The only way to win their game is by not playing.

I like my own man free space, having my own way an putting myself first.

Sensitive-Shoe-1079 · 2021-02-14T17:56:35+00:00

The world is so crystal clear now.

lucidlotus · 2021-02-14T19:53:21+00:00

[deleted]

Equipoisonous · 2021-02-14T19:55:41+00:00

He isn’t shy. He’s just not that into you. Don’t chase him, it’s not worth it.

advice1988 · 2021-02-14T17:54:27+00:00

After all this time knowing my being labelled a ‘bitch’ was not true, was just me having standards & ideals that 133k women also share having as a mindset.

2021-02-14T18:12:33+00:00

Not to value male attention and then treating me terribly isn't my fault. Now I don't care if I get compliments or insults because I know my worth comes from how I feel and treat myself. Thank you FDS 😭

space_cataz__ · 2021-02-14T18:11:58+00:00

I'm still new and learning. But so far for me it's been:

- That I need to take the time to write down my value, what makes me a good woman

- Then I need standards that reflect that value

- That I need to take the time to understand what I deserve

- No more trying to be the "perfect woman", for a man.

FabledAngryVillager · 2021-02-14T21:36:36+00:00

I don't need to listen to women who say I'm being too harsh when all they do is complain about their husbands

penelopekitty · 2021-02-14T17:48:25+00:00

If they wanted to they would.
People always find the time, money and energy to do the things that are important to them.
My instincts were always right.

pikkpie · 2021-02-14T18:26:14+00:00

He plays dumb when I called him out on his shit. They know what they are doing
They lower the esteem of women so they can trap women
Don't ever chase a man.

sarahbae03 · 2021-02-14T20:32:07+00:00

Put me first. Always. No excuses, no wasted breath. If you are impacting my existence in a negative way bye bye. No speeches just gone.

inventivesquid · 2021-02-14T21:34:15+00:00

If he wanted to, he would
My safety takes priority over men’s feelings
Investments of time/money/energy into myself will always see a return on investment
Attention from men is low value and abundant
I have a sacred duty to my foremothers to use my liberty and endless options to do what they only dreamed of

shadowlillium · 2021-02-14T20:53:24+00:00

That I am enough and should be quicker to cut things off. They know what they are doing

Saitschik · 2021-02-14T22:29:25+00:00

mate guarding is the man's job.

Also I see LVM for what they are now. I was notorious for seeing "the good" in people and forgive everything.

Now I am way more firm and realistic.

Shefthegooddog · 2021-02-14T20:27:54+00:00

The most important thing I've learned from FDS is that I'm not alone in thinking this way! Honestly I always had this fds mindset, but at a certain point I started to doubt myself..

I started to wonder , i’m the only one who thinks this way? Are my standards to high? I’m supposed the be a pick me with male drama?

the patriarchy almost made me a pickme! Then I found this sub just in time, then I knew that I was not crazy, and to stand firm in my believes!

This sub really feels like coming home, finally a save place with women who think the same way!

Street_Narwhal_3361 · 2021-02-14T18:42:45+00:00

A man can get off exactly the same if your into it, meh, coerced or crying. Even if he promised to love you in front of everyone you both know he’ll still get drunk and rape you then laugh. That he’ll move his daughter into a basement apartment with his GF of 8 months without introducing them to each other then disinherit an 8 year old in favor of said GF. I also learned a man will destroy his own life, reputation, future, family, finances and health if it means cheesing off mommy (his) or Nanny Mommy McBangmaid (me).

PinkBlair99 · 2021-02-14T18:31:42+00:00

The self care and leveling up inspo has been IT for me. I am working toward living the life of luxury I’ve always aspired to. I feel like a queen.

BabyBlankieieieieie · 2021-02-14T18:28:37+00:00

That I do not owe anyone — man or woman — anything, inherently.

Intelligent_Agency65 · 2021-02-14T18:25:17+00:00

I’m attempting to apply this subreddit to a shitty roommate. Made the mistake of showing him I was upset, and that he was able to affect my emotions. It’s really really important to not let men affect you, because they’re just living in their own small worlds. Live your own life.

jargon_explosion · 2021-02-14T21:30:45+00:00

That if someone wanted to, they would and that energy put into you is a direct correlation of their interest and intention.

galvanicreaction · 2021-02-14T18:26:51+00:00

That everything I've been doing regarding dealing with men/dating my long life is appropriate for me and that there are people who actually get it. Powerful.

simplicityduplicity · 2021-02-14T19:55:29+00:00

I used to think I had to settle on a man just because I was attracted to him physically and he treated me nice sometimes. But now I know I can have it all: a handsome man who has his life built (and still is building), engaged in personal growth, works on his own issues (introspectively and in therapy), has a strong circle of friends who also have created great lives of their own, and is consistently and genuinely kind and thoughtful.

melonmagellan · 2021-02-14T21:05:20+00:00

I'm being abused. Not just, idk, getting into reasonable arguments in which I'm always wrong because I'm an idiot.

serasza · 2021-02-14T18:37:58+00:00

I've implemented boundaries.
I am worthy of respect.
Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
If he/she wanted he/she would.
I ended up loving solitude.

dancedance_83 · 2021-02-14T20:29:20+00:00

Compassion and empathy for my younger self.**Whoa baby I was choosing losers!

**I didn’t learn to have/express compassion and empathy very often. I thought I didn’t even deserve it, but now I am getting better at knowing that I absolutely do!

nebsemi · 2021-02-14T17:48:34+00:00

That they only get into relationships and eventually get married in order to have a reliable source of sex, food, and emotional labor.

esoldelulu · 2021-02-14T19:44:31+00:00

I learned I’m not by myself thinking women deserve to be treated with respect, and that’s it’s okay and a true sign of self respect to walk away from men who take more away from you than give. I can walk down solo the path in life and it’ll still be overflowing with flowers on that path. There’s support in this community. And I’m grateful to have found you.

I learned that I don’t need to give a man too much credit just because he finds me attractive. I learned being tolerant to a man who ignores my boundaries, and who stages me to be jealous over other women is a pickmeisha mentality and lowers my authenticity.

I’m fully capable of going 100% in a relationship with full love, passion, generosity, selflessness, and respect for my partner. But I still have every right to maintain a sense of Pride, which is feeling fundamentally worthy that I am just as worthy as anybody else, that’s not conceit. So he can’t meet me halfway. He has to be 100% in this like I am.

I embrace my worth as a high quality and high value woman. This is my truth and something I downplayed out of fear of appearing intimidating. I did the work and the years of growth, internally and externally, and it’s not worth my time to be with someone who still has a long way to go to even meet me halfway. No, we need to be lockstep, matching each other’s pace.

I have no tolerance and little patience being a manchild’s teacher or bedmaid. And I may live the rest of my life living INSIDE OF LOVE over being IN love. And there in that state of being is where I’m genuine and fully self-possessed. My life is rich, stable, and peaceful because of the nurturing I put into it. I’m definitely no princess. I’m simply a Queen - very human - but still queen.

Ananoriel · 2021-02-14T22:15:02+00:00

It is okay to have boundaries because I am worthy of those like everyone else. My well-being is more important than possibly hurting a guys ego. It is also important in a healthy relationship to both have clear boundaries and accept them.
I've learned about detecting red flags and other warning signs to look for. This means a lot to me because I am autistic and pretty naïve. I often forget about hidden agenda's and other lies. So learning common patterns is important, since I can not intuitively detect them in early stages.
Match their energy. I try to watch the energy of a man and if he actually makes effort for me. Before I would go a thousand miles for someone that would never do anything for me. Now I would check first if he would care about me, and take more initiative instead of me carrying all the weight.

FDSfollower1 · 2021-02-15T01:45:09+00:00

FDS is a way of life, not just dating. FDS principles apply to jobs, friends, family.
As women, we're socialized from birth to put up with a lot of bad treatment.
We try too long to make things work when it should have been clear immediately that we're dealing with a man with a grand sense of entitlement. I can't figure out where that sense of entitlement comes from, but guessing at least part of it has to do with parenting.

lucidlotus · 2021-02-14T23:37:16+00:00

That a man/relationship/marriage is not automatically a prize. That most men are LVM or NVM. Porn and society have conditioned them to objectify women...and to have Madonna/whore complexes. They're not invested in us the same way we are in them. Their lies and manipulation know no bounds. They will literally ruin lives for cheap thrills, their egos, image, whatever...they can fake empathy but lack it. The lies are astounding. They flip-flop like fish out of water. (Has anyone else thought that men often just don't know what the hell they want? And constantly want what they can't have?)

TheSuspiciousChard · 2021-02-14T20:09:33+00:00

I saw something that was in front of my eyes the whole time:

Male projection about women hitting the wall

Think about it, men are born with saggy hair balls and bodies and start going bald and getting erectile dysfunction in their TEENS! They hit the wall repeatedly throughout life. Sorry boys but I have luscious long hair and I ain’t dating no saggy bald scrote!

Fun_Sherbet · 2021-02-15T00:12:24+00:00

single most important thing: I am 100% better off by myself. FDS obliterated my want to be with someone just to be with someone.

Jiou112 · 2021-02-15T04:33:02+00:00

I see a lot of women with the "I'm not crazy" note and "if he wanted to, he would", and I feel that so hard. But more so,

They aren't as stupid as they pretend to be.

They act like they don't do those things because they "didn't know you wanted that" and now you're "crazy for thinking they did". But that is all such garbage.

SkiesEclipse · 2021-02-15T05:41:31+00:00

That life can be truly kick ass without a man. In fact it improves it.

happyduck18 · 2021-02-15T16:37:32+00:00

Create a list of deal breakers — and stick with it.
Block & delete
You don’t have to be polite to men who creep you out

Mind-Objective · 2021-02-17T03:37:53+00:00

Don’t send walls of text.
I can accept that gift and let myself be spoiled.
If he wanted to, he would. What matters is that he didn’t.
Valentine’s Day is not some overrated Hallmark holiday...to me.
Kindness, respect....all that is the bare minimum and should be expected.

gibgerbabymummy · 2021-02-16T10:16:55+00:00

I would just be echoing the points made so clearly in other comments by my sister's but this sub has made me cry and gasp aloud (like in a cheesy movie) with the revelations of my worth. I am raising two teen boys and one tween girl and am glad to have this knowledge to instill in them, as I was only skirting around alot of this before and you've all made it so bloody crystal!

Title	What’s the most important thing you’ve learned since discovering FDS?
Author	One-Significance-364
Upvotes	189
Comments	72
Date	February 14, 2021 5:39 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ljt2i0/whats_the_most_important_thing_youve_learned/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/whats-the-most-important-thing-youve-learned-since.742125 https://theredarchive.com/post/742125

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