Always the victim...

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-03-28T13:14:32+00:00

> I don't fucking understand anything....

Because you don't understand the nature of women. Competitive victimhood in the oppression olympics is just another Monday for women. It's all about social currency for women.

Go read some books on evolutionary biology and psychology if you really want to learn "why?". Most anything by David Bus is a good place to start. So is "The Blank Slate" by Steven Pinker. Or just go straight to Rollo Tomassi's 'The Rational Male' if you don't care about all the academic background.

Massive-Physics-1253 · 2024-03-28T10:41:47+00:00

I married someone with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. She lied to me about every aspect of her life. Then used those lies to manipulate me. She made up that she was a Nurse, that she had full custody of her son, and never told me she committed 2 felonies while we were dating. I was dumb enough to meet her online (will never make that mistake again).

She was the queen of victimhood. Anytime I would ask her to work or to do anything, she would default back to playing the victim so I would leave her alone. Just insane.

Specialist-Camp-3798 · 2024-03-28T09:10:05+00:00

Because she always needs to be the victim. If she's the victim, she doesn't have to take any accountablity. Mental gymnastics is easier than responsibility...

potatotornado44 · 2024-03-28T03:34:43+00:00

Start making some false reports on her.

Make it believable.

Build a narrative over a few months with the cops

Plant evidence, in her car, house, whatever.

Turn her in

Put that bitch In jail.

Love the tears as they’re led away to prison in cuffs. Also, no alimony payments for you!!!!

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-03-28T02:11:49+00:00

Tell her ok but the teacher must meet with you first.

justme4556 · 2024-03-27T23:11:19+00:00

In public where there are eyes I mean potential witnesses to testify against you. Its behavior that is extremely childish and should be illegal. Shes trying to get sympathy for an incoming case.

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-03-27T22:45:03+00:00

Classic female tactics especially when they are looking for protection orders

James_Jimothy · 2024-03-27T22:30:50+00:00

Why is they always have to be the victim? My STBXW is the one who committed adultery. She was previously was arrested for CDV. And yet she has the nerve to say to me that she won't meet with our kid's teacher together because "I don't feel comfortable with you right now. It causes me tremendous anxiety."

It is female manipulation 101. She is feigning vulnerability and "anxiety" to put the onus on you, the man, to change to acommodate her. It's a classic power play. This is how women tend to control - indirectly. Knowingly or unknowingly, she is trying to redirect culpability and attention from her adultery and breaking up the family to her feelings of "tremendous anxiety" (that you are implicitly tasked to accommodate).

IMO, there are two ways it can go based on her history (temperament, behavior patterns, criminal record, etc.)

This is personal avoidance and a defense mechanism. She may be engaged in emotional thinking and simply projecting her being anxious about her situation on to you. Basically she is having a fight with herself and using you as a punching bag. She uses feminine therapy lingo to avoid personal accountabilty where she might be publicly forced to and distance herself from the truth that she is a selfish wife and mother.
Public acrimony and smear campaign. She might be rewriting a more sinister narrative of her as "anxious" a.k.a. vulnerable and you as "potentially dangerous" to use to tell others and begin a "paper trail" to recruit educators, the law, and her social circle to her side.
All of the above.

When I say we have to co-parent and it's unfair to expect teachers to meet with us twice, and that she came into my house yesterday to see the kids and acted just fine....she responds with, "I understand that, but I think given current circumstances my feelings are valid and I would appreciate your understanding."

A continued power play. She gets to dictate how things will go based on her solipsistic "feelings" and selfish choices. Her child comes first, not her fucking feelings. She is again using current self-serving feminine therapy lingo to opt out of cooperation and doing what's best for your child. This is when women, IMO, need to be ruthlessly exposed with receipts and shamed, by family and friends. If manipulation or alienation impacts children, some people may care enough about the child to actually embarrass her enough to stop playing crybully games. She may be currently rewriting the narrative in her head to gain pole position now and if people start to believe it, you will be playing catch up. When women play games like this, it’s dangerous. Be uncharitable. Don't put up with her bullshit.

If it's the second scenario, in order to avoid being the "bad guy" in her mind and being culpable for destroying your family chasing her tingles, she must paint you "black" as the "dangerous ex" so that when she lies to others about her “anxiety” they will rally to protect her (and alienate/punish you). This is again a psychological power play. If she gets a teacher, therapist, friends and administrators to believe you are "angry" and "dangerous" that fear of the husband will override the actual disgusting behavior which is her adultery.

Karen Straughan has a very interesting video on female hypoagency. Basically, our evolution makes women more vulnerable due to bearing children so we as humans over centuries put in safeguards in society around them as part of basic survival. Conversely, men being stronger as a sex have been assigned hyperagency (the ability to have power over choices, life and outcomes). Feminism has abused the innate protection society gives women (and children) to leverage resources from institutions and soft power from public circles; generations of women absorbed this implicit messaging and are now using it in relationships, marriage and divorce. They use the current phrasing "feeling safe/unsafe", "uncomfortable" to gain unquestioning protection from others against the person or persons they deem an aggressor. The media, society, law and courts have guaranteed that any woman can have the opportunity to do this since we as a civilized society believe in protecting the vulnerable. People on the outside can't distinguish manipulation from a cry for help so they err on the side of "protection" to avoid a battered wife situation. Again, women know this and weaponize it. At this point, this woman is no longer your wife, but a distant adversary. Go on the offensive.

I would try to read up on parallel parenting (vs co-parenting), stoicism, female psychology and high-conflict spouses in divorce if you can. The Rational Male is a good start. While men tend to be openly aggressive as a means to be hostile, women like your STBXW use vulnerability as a tool of hostility, coercion, and control.

Tl;dr: If your ex (despite being a cheating whore) can convince herself you are "bad" by telling you and herself a victimhood story off a bingo card ("uncomfortable", "unsafe", "anxious"), she can renege the rules of engagement regarding treating you and raising your child in a civil manner.

Bernie51Williams · 2024-03-27T22:21:03+00:00

LMAO

Just be glad it wasn't a true covert narcissist. May have been who knows. But after this I can smell the bullshit and easily bounce any bitch from my life in a single afternoon. No thoughts, no guilt, just get the fuck on.

Remember boys, women are meant to COMPLIMENT your life, once that is no longer apparent its time to cut them off. We ALL win in the end.

SecretDoctor8121 · 2024-03-27T21:36:49+00:00

Not reading the whole post just answering the question.

Easy.You are a man therefore you are disposable in the eye of the government/Society. You don't have the capacity to bring more taxpayers and Minimum wage worker into this world so they don't care... You just a tool in their eyes just like in your STBX eyes

I know I have been there.Learn my really expensive lesson costing the rest of my future and current life but hey there is a bright side of this....I know it's sounds bad but least I only have to fight to sustain myself and don't have to worry about the future as there is none for me..

It is what it is bro.

captainchippsixx · 2024-03-27T21:29:10+00:00

Don’t let her into your house man! You don’t feel safe.

By the way. When you’re not there. She can tell the teacher you cheated and hit her and abused her. Teacher has no idea what the truth is. That’s the motive. Whatever fucking narrative they want to spin. Protect there image.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-03-27T19:51:01+00:00

You are not the bad guy. That is what she portrays you as. Once you let it go, and it is hard to do so, you will go through the divorce like a champ. She will continue to pick and prod you as long as you give her a platform to do so. So what you have to meet the teachers twice (not your fault), get quotes from her (again, not your fault), and so on. Setting boundaries with her and not listening to her foolishness and bullshit is necessary. My ex did that all the time and when I realize when I didn't respond, it was much better for me and my kids in the long run.

Bluetoes1 · 2024-03-27T19:46:41+00:00

This is a typical DARVO tactic. My ex did the exact same thing with the teachers. She had the affair, she ran off, she filed for divorce, she got her way. But what she didn’t get was a whipping boy after the fact. She didn’t like that I was no longer very agreeable to every whim she had, so then she didn’t feel safe because I told her no.

But I will tell you, now, after 6 years, I am being told that I am the reasonable parent and the one they hope to be able to call when they need to talk to a parent. I have also been told by my girls therapist that it is clear who the reasonable parent is and that I need to keep doing what I am doing because the girls clearly look to me for safety and security, and love.

stent00 · 2024-03-27T19:05:49+00:00

The script has been flipped. They always do this... Even if they are the ones that wanted the divorce. It boosts their own ego to blame you for everything. Just tell her her mental health is HER problem.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2024-03-27T18:40:39+00:00

You're asking why women don't hold themselves accountable. I'm not going to defend bad behavior but I'll do my best to explain it. Females from a very early age are conditioned to see boys as the active ones and themselves as passive. There's subtle ways this happens but it does happen. If you're passive, you don't feel like you have agency. Add to that the stories and movies of women being rescued and saved from men and there is a damsel-in-distress mentality they all carry deep within them. They take our last names in marriage, they don't keep their names.

So when something bad happens or when they make bad choices, they naturally lean towards a perspective that makes it seem like they were put in that position. In essence, they are ALWAYS the victim.

Xan-Diesel · 2024-03-27T18:21:35+00:00

I like Alejandro's line from "Sicario" for this one: "You're asking me how a watch works. For now, we'll just keep an eye on the time."

LeftySmithy · 2024-03-27T18:03:08+00:00

Mine left me, no infidelity.....just "doesn't have anything to give a romantic relationship right now".

18 years.

We had our issues, but nothing that couldn't be worked on...

But she doesn't think she did anything wrong.

All blame was laid at my feet and still is.

Almost all of my relationships outside of that one are now much better.

I've changed thanks to God but she is still the same.

I was miserable but willing to hang in there for the kids and the sake of the vows I took before God.

But people aren't loyal just because you are.

tragicaddiction · 2024-03-27T17:42:03+00:00

we all want to be the hero in our own story and how we perceive things are not how others do.

you are perceiving her words of her having anxiety around you as you are the bad guy.. instead of the fact that she probably gets reminded of how shitty she has been around you.

upandatom85 · 2024-03-27T17:38:46+00:00

They have to treat you terribly to justify what they did to you.... are doing to you and will do to you. They have to make you the monster to rationalize how they act.

Yes. They all have the same playbook.

DivorceDaddy · 2024-03-27T17:19:31+00:00

She does this because she doesn't want to be held responsible for her actions. The worse her actions, the worse she'll avoid responsibility.

Don't expect her to have a realization. She won't. Move on and focus on yourself.

Basic_Advance7627 · 2024-03-27T17:15:37+00:00

Exactly the same. She had multiple affairs and I am the “abusive monster.”

GravityIsForRookies · 2024-03-27T17:09:58+00:00

Man, as sad as it is, I sometimes love reading posts on this subreddit. My ex has used those exact same words “I don’t feel comfortable…” and yet she’ll come into my house to see the kids. She’s even brought me dinner before… yet she doesn’t feel comfortable. Unreal, right?

Classic_Dill · 2024-03-27T17:08:49+00:00

"she came into my house yesterday to see the kids and acted just fine....she responds with"

One of your issues is you seem to lack any boundaries, she cheated on you, makes you feel like an abuser and you allow her in your home? huh? what? she can wait outside and you can walk the kids out, she shouldn't be allowed in your home, it sends a terrible message and make you look wishy washy. All cheaters keep hitting you, its a way for them to blame you for everything and off ramp guilt and you're playing into it. Get a co parenting app, no phone calls at all, text only about the kids, she isn't in your life, she is in your kids life, never speak poor of her to the kids, she needs to know you are done and boundaries have been laid down, its time to be a bit selfish and work on YOU and you cant heal with her walking into your life like a silly sitcom. Rules, boundaries and healing. And advice from someone also cheated on, but i took 2 years out of my life to really work on me and get relationship educated, some will call you jaded if you dont forgive her...you dont have to, its not earned, you will become simply indifferent, you just wont give a shyt about it anymore, but you need to keep frame, its you running the YOU SHOW!

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2024-03-27T16:40:32+00:00

It's like they all take the same class......

Shortly after our divorce, my ex sent me a text and demanded that we attend the parent-teacher conference together. I didn't attend anything with her, but I agreed. Within hours of agreeing, she sent an email to the teacher telling her that she would need a separate meeting, because she couldn't be in the same room as me......because she was afraid I would beat her.

The teacher actually called the fucking cops, who came to my house to discuss with me. I showed them the texts from my ex, and they just laughed and left.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2024-03-27T16:32:08+00:00

They all play from the same playbook

Ron_Porambo · 2024-03-27T16:30:21+00:00

It's just a line that they're all taught. We'd be doing it too if we could get away with it.

warwww · 2024-03-27T16:17:23+00:00

To counter that you need to respond with scalding truth. Truth is the only way to handle this.

I went through the same. She wouldn’t even pick our kids up curbside when my car battery died for drop off which is 2 mins away. She said “I can’t come near my abuser”. I didn’t even respond. She insisted that I call an Uber to drop our kids off. Again, the drop off location is less than 2 mins away. All of a sudden after wanting a divorce which she fought me on to the ground after I just said “ok” she became a victim. Never seen anything like it.

“No worries, I understand that this is your way of rationalizing the truly disgusting thing that you did and it to some extent absolves you of your accountability but I will refrain from being around you lest I be accused or setup for an accusation.”

Once a spouse has sex with others just walk away. They become different people. Usually mirrors of who they’re having sex with. It is not worth your mental energy.

Vintage-Card-Man · 2024-03-27T16:13:54+00:00

She's also told me three, yes THREE, times that she's going out of town this weekend and won't be available. I don't care. Her being available doesn't matter. I have the kids and have had them my weeks for a few months now without EVER needing her.

She just wants me to know that she's going on vacation with her affair partner.

And yes, my life is going to be so much better....eventually. But right now it is AWFUL.

RichardCleveland · 2024-03-27T16:11:08+00:00

Her quotes... it's made even worse by her behavior, ugh.

I am sorry you are dealing with this! It sounds like this divorce is going to be such a great turn of the chapter for you!

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2024-03-27T16:09:10+00:00

Well, it's effective, isn't it? She's tied you up in knots and inconvenienced you, all the while eliciting undeserved sympathy from third parties (who will all assume the worst about you, of course).

What you (and a lot of us) fail to initially grasp is just how cynically cunning and coldly rational women are, at their core. She isn't scared of you one little bit, but what does that have to do with her scorched-earth campaign against you?

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-03-27T16:07:10+00:00

Why would you want to be anywhere near her? She was arrested for CDV. She can book her own damn appt with the teacher.

Character_Let_3982 · 2024-03-27T16:07:47+00:00

They say women develop social skills earlier in life and outperform men. Maybe? Generalized perhaps? But not always. Female social skills go haywire in divorce from what I can tell. Or at least mine turned into an absolute monster.

My take is pretty simple. It didn't work out. We should both move on. We're divorced. But we should also admit we're tied together by children for the rest of our lives. So... So what? It's over. Reset. We're back to ground zero with a relationship that is less intimate than friends but more intimate than customer/cashier at Chipotles. We have a "meh" relationship.

Her take is much different. She's in "FFFFFF YOU" forever mode.

I don't get it either.

Title	Always the victim...
Author	Vintage-Card-Man
Upvotes	63
Comments	78
Date	March 27, 2024 3:50 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bp56xz/always_the_victim/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/always-the-victim.1513397 https://theredarchive.com/post/1513397

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