Divorce is final. Ex trying to come back

Both_Kick8629 · 2024-05-31T00:44:04+00:00

It's a very difficult situation, I knew just from the beginning that when it's this type of sudden "I don't love you anymore " it's because there is a 3rd party involved. I am so sorry to hear that! I feel your pain, I've been there... I also tried to amend things with my ex because I value family unity for the sake of my son.. it didn't work out though, I found out she was still actively looking for the guy outside of the office, even though she promised to keep it "professional" as they worked (still do I think) together. (And btw, the guy dumped her, and she was begging him to get back together 🤣, talk about karma😬).. My personal advice (obviously from my own experience, which may be different to others): You need to value yourself, you don't need garbage people in your life.. sometimes you need to sacrifice family unity even though it deeply hurts.I KNOW. you simply cannot fix everyone in this f*d up world... Stand up for YOU! Good luck 🍀

A_StableGenius · 2024-05-27T18:30:56+00:00

Ah man. She was with another guy though. Can you get past that? Another guy with your woman. Can you sleep next to her peacefully? Do you trust her to make your food? Finances? She said she didn’t love you and now she does again? She can turn love on and off like a light switch? Nah,she just needs help and wants that comfort back. Once trust is broken that is it for me. Let’s say you get back together. The trust is gone and that same love is not there as it will remain in the back of your mind. She was able to leave you once and she can do it again at the drop of a hat. Don’t be fooled again. But it’s up to you. Maybe you get a prenup or something like that if you really want your family back that bad and be prepared for a life of awkwardness for a while. But don’t be surprised if she leaves again. Some people will tuff it out to for their kids. I couldn’t go back but everyone is different. Good luck!

Effective_Piece8853 · 2024-05-27T15:08:57+00:00

What has she done to deserve getting back together? Has she demonstrated any remorse and in what ways? What do you have from her to not waste another of your life. It’s true kids are above anything but is the person sorry? What’s their commitment to you for you to go back in?

Mopey_Robot · 2024-05-27T14:49:44+00:00

As has been said. BPD not work it. Do not get back together - you imagined family is over. Move on. You don't need someone new - you need to get yourself on a even keel and ignore her. You can't control who is aroudn your kids. Sorry, that's just the truth about it. Unless the guy is Pedo-Jack or documented and convicted violent, courts will do nothing.

You said it: "I don't want to be with woman I don't trust". Bingo. This should guide you moving forward.

DarthBroker · 2024-05-27T11:59:29+00:00

BPD is not worth it. Sht, even Anxiety disorder is not worth it. After all of what you said, i would not have hooked up with her post separation and would leave her be.

I second the other post that said move super close and then you won't miss anything.

dnbndnb · 2024-05-27T05:18:33+00:00

Take the money she would cost you, and invest it moving as close as possible to your kids so they can drop in anytime they want. As she implodes, they’ll come to you more. That’s all that matters, the kids.

furiousmustache · 2024-05-27T01:10:24+00:00

You need to pickup "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and read it immediately if you think she's BPD.

All the advice in the world is great, realizing on your own that you can't ever be with this woman because of who she is at her core is life changing.

Get the book, audio book, ebook, whatever. Just read it and get some real, professional help to determine what's best for you. You won't regret it.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-05-27T00:58:04+00:00

Pretend you didn’t write that post and it was me instead. What would you tell me after re-reading it?

west-rain-shadow · 2024-05-27T00:43:16+00:00

Leave her in the rearview mirror. It doesn't matter what mental disorder she has or doesn't.

silmarp · 2024-05-26T23:16:31+00:00

I don't think you understood what happened.

She left you for a simple reason, she thought Mr Wonderful would be waiting for her with open arms and ready to give her a house, a home, two luxury cars and a butler to booth.

And the dude probably promised her such or other stuff.

When she was finally alone and she tried moving in with him he told her: "Are you crazy? Just because I said so it doesn't mean I will have you as my woman, Do you think I'm an idiot to date you? A worthless woman?"

And at the exact moment the dude rejected her she tried coming back to you. NOT ONE SECOND BEFORE THAT.

That makes you the second choice. Don't be the second choice.

If you accept her back she will resent you forever. Because you have had to "humiliate her" by not accepting her back immediately. She will also make you the butt of jokes to all of her friends because "She can do whatever and you will still take her back".

In fact she will resent you for not taking her back immediately and also for taking her back. She will resent you for taking her back while the other dude rejected her. To her the other dude is more worthy because he is the one who rejected her. I know you might think this doesn't make sense but then you are wrong. That's the way women think. She will destroy you next time if you accept because she will try and try to have the dude bang and accept her because now she has you providing for her while she can bang him and do with him many things she can't do with you because she wants him to fall in love with her. Hell, she might even keep you in celibacy if the other dude ask for it.

If you take her back your life will be built on resentment from now on, it might not be visible at first but it will escalate given due time.

Least_Winter9632 · 2024-05-26T21:58:32+00:00

Are you willing to share your wife with other dudes, in order to keep your traditional family in tact? Hard no for me.

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-05-26T20:54:55+00:00

Bro if she has bpd, you run as far away as possible. She will destroy you. There is no making nice with a borderline, everything they do is to manipulate you

probebeta · 2024-05-26T20:48:08+00:00

No you don't ever take an ex who cheats back, never.

lavendar474 · 2024-05-26T20:24:42+00:00

Time to except and move on.

Psychological-Point8 · 2024-05-26T20:17:17+00:00

I'll flight out and give you a few slaps to get you to understand wtf you trying to do. That ship has long sailed buddy. You have to move on bud

domgamepat · 2024-05-26T20:15:38+00:00

So let me get this straight. She was gargling another man's balls and brought your children around said man, but you're still considering reconciliation? Dude...have some self respect

DaddyNoBux · 2024-05-26T20:07:32+00:00

The thought of reconciliation with a cheating wife blows my mind

What a hellish existence that would be.

Move on with your life OP. She’s given you your life back, although it probably doesn’t feel like it right now.

Nowhere2_GoButUp · 2024-05-26T19:36:14+00:00

I would move on OP, but hold off on finding someone new. Talking from experience, mine is pulling the same BS. She is apologetic after both getting caught having affairs and a failed reconciliation (lied her way through it and didn't put in effort with IC/MC, kept up with AP etc etc).

My STBXW has mainly one mood now, super apologetic but gets upset when she has to face any of the facts behind her affairs and lies, which she avoids like the plague. She minimizes also, which is only causing more damage.

I didn't look at your old posts yet, but if you've done a lot of work and feel ready to go back out, then you know you're ready.

By all means though, go out and have fun with the opposite sex if that's what you're looking for, don't be quick to tie yourself down quickly after a failed marriage/divorce.

You'd be surprised how refreshing hobbies and friends with common interests can be while going through all this crap. Wishing you good fortune my friend, and maybe an Ace or a Birdie on your next game!!

981AG · 2024-05-26T19:24:07+00:00

You are dealing with hearts and brains….there is no medication for hearts except time and experience……the brains are another story….if. She has BPD there are excellent pathways to explore that SHE must willingly choose and want for herself 1st….then you have to witness and experience the changes as positive …how do I know this? 30 yr marriage broken many times with cycles of love and un-loved……I am still in the game wiser and stronger and confident that her brain was at the core of the many cycles of marriage drama. You have all the choices in the world and I would tell you RUN -RUN away if you are tired of the work…you will not get out of work with BPD….but life is all about choice

whiskey_piker · 2024-05-26T19:23:52+00:00

You need to deeply evaluate what you think that person would add to your life.

Bluetoes1 · 2024-05-26T18:42:22+00:00

Once a cheater always a cheater. She’s learned that the grass isn’t always greener, but just a different shade of brown.

My experience has taught me that if you give permission for someone to come back, you have given them permission to treat you like that again. They may seem grateful that you took them back at the time, but subconsciously you have shown them what it takes for you to take them back.

Additionally, if you do take her back, and then the smoke clears from all of this, will you trust her? Will you feel ok going to work trips with her staying home? What if she doesn’t answer your call, or your texts? Will you become nervous and suspicious?

Your “family” as it was will never be the same, she ensured that when she started the affair and destroyed your trust.

Make your decision, but then stick to it. And it sounds to me that you already made yours. Divorces are expensive, don’t pay for a second one from the same woman.

MidniteOG · 2024-05-26T18:23:41+00:00

The windshield is bigger than the review

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-05-26T18:13:19+00:00

We all want our family back. I want nothing more than to provide my kids the nuclear family they deserve. My biggest regret in life (and I have many) is marrying the woman I had two kids with. They don’t deserve this.

My ex cheated as well. I know if she ever wanted to come back and I accepted, things would be fine for 6-12 months and then she would do it again.

I’ll get downvoted for this but to me there are different kinds of cheating. There is the kind where you get an unsolicited full confession and real apology. There is the kind where they get caught and then you get a fake apology. Then there is the kind that I got, which is they get caught and it results in a full assault on your character, money and life. Only one of these can be redeemed imo.

Litostib · 2024-05-26T17:55:49+00:00

Depends on what you want, by fact kids who are raise on broken marriages have more mental issues, try and open marriage or stay with her living separately,it depends on what you want, your decision

too_broke_to_quit · 2024-05-26T17:25:27+00:00

Complicatedlogic · 2024-05-26T17:13:46+00:00

Ask yourself this, does she deserve you? I don’t think you’re equating your own worth bro. Stick to your guns and it’ll all get better in time.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-05-26T17:08:06+00:00

You need to set an example for the kids. With BPD they’ll cheat on the mania phase and get you to feel bad on the manic phase. It’ll happen over and over again.

Its_Only_My_Opinion1 · 2024-05-26T16:19:11+00:00

Nope. You don’t take her back.

She can’t be trusted
Another man was inside her
Show yourself and kids self worth and let her be single.
Your name is Par_then_Bar NOT captain_save_a_hoe.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-05-26T16:06:41+00:00

She is no longer wife material and it appears that she never was.

smitty537 · 2024-05-26T15:58:08+00:00

Love is not a light switch. She can't just turn it on and off.

Token_or_TolkienuPOS · 2024-05-26T15:57:44+00:00

If I married a woman and she went and let another man penetrate her, I'd find her repulsive afterwards and there's no way I'd even consider putting my hands on her again. No matter the desire to have my family back, it just wouldn't be the same because I'd always know that she's not truly mine

insurety · 2024-05-26T15:57:32+00:00

Many of us would do anything to have our family back. But the deal is, there is nothing you can do. There is nothing that can repair what was broken. This feeling is part of the bargaining phase of grief — “well, I can accept this if I can get that.”

Try to get to the point where you recognize your grief for what has been lost, but recognizing that you can’t go back in time and undo what has been done. The damage will always be there, the trust will always be broken. And staying in something broken will just break you.

Pale_mexican_29 · 2024-05-26T15:53:50+00:00

Don’t do it. It’s always them coming back after seeing that it wasn’t working on the other side of the fence. I made the mistake of falling for these lies many times, the hurt was worse and worse every time I got back with her and she cheated, it’s like a game of “how much can you handle? I cheated on you with this person last time, this time I’ll make it hurt more” As far as children, I get it man, I have 2 daughters. The only thing you can really say to that skånk to care for them. If you really don’t feel like they’re safe, try to get a temporary custody order. My ex is now in a relationship that she claims she loves the guy and that she’s never been happier. Guess what? She slept with me twice already while being with him. Point is no matter what, they will always cheat.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-05-26T15:48:49+00:00

It’s over dude. You were her plan b.

Focus on being a good father and be present and consistent in their lives. Your time with them will be more meaningful than before.

captainchippsixx · 2024-05-26T15:23:23+00:00

You can’t go back man. It’s never the first cheat if she was ballsy enough to do what she did.

Did you get std tested?

You move forward. Grind on your career and assets/. Be a good dad. Women are not a priority. No more hooking up. Many cheaters stall the process to line you up for a bigger take down. Don’t eat the waffles in the forest.

You only know a small % of what went on.
You find out the rest you wouldn’t be asking this.

GuyIncognito1730 · 2024-05-26T15:17:23+00:00

Trust is everything in a relationship. Actions speak louder than words. BPD or not she cheated and broke your trust. My ex is diagnosed bpd and my only advice would be to grey rock in all conversations and separate your life entirely. Run from this woman.

alifeofpeace · 2024-05-26T15:17:13+00:00

It’s your life and you can choose how you want to live it and it’s your story.

If she does BPD treatment and truly confessed and repented of her sins against you then go ahead and give her a chance. DONT REMARRY. Try living separate for a while dating. Don’t let her move in. She has to work and take care of herself. You have all the leverage here. And if it doesn’t work out? Just say peace

Personally I believe in giving people second chances if they truly are remorseful. We are human and we make bad decisions it does happen.

TerribleAmbassador69 · 2024-05-26T15:04:06+00:00

For serious, OP, I am sad for you and your kids that she destroyed the family you thought you had. I’m sure that in hindsight, your family dynamic was toxic. The vision of family you lost probably did not reflect a healthy life for you or your kids. Your ew is awful for what she did. At the same time, it’s a crooked gift to you and your kids. You can become a healthy person and show your kids what a happy life looks like. It doesn’t sound like she’s remorseful of the damage she’s caused you all. It sounds like her fun boy-toy lost his luster, and you’re the cheap piece of shit she can use for temporary support. Until she needs the high of something/one new. If she’s legit BPD, it won’t change. If she’s not actively seeking help in that area, she will only blame you and everyone else for the bullshit she causes. And those dependent on her (you) will find ways to make her crazy make sense. You lose.

Your potential gain of a stable family isn’t actually there. It’s a dream in your head. She will fuck it up and make it full of drama and trauma. If your divorce is final, let it be final.

You mentioned pastor, so I think you have a spiritual/theological leaning toward grace and mercy. Remember though, she gave you more than the biblical grounds for divorce. Not only was she unfaithful, she refused your peace offerings. Taking her back is not grace and mercy at this point. It’s a passive means of pretending to be like Christ.

i80west · 2024-05-26T14:51:24+00:00

It's over. Once someone says they want a divorce, they view you as disposable. I wouldn't ever trust someone who was willing to say that. Even if she changes her mind, what's to say her original decision won't come back again. She decided to break it. I'd view it as permanently broken. There's no going back. Commitment doesn't get turned on and off like a valve.

warwww · 2024-05-26T14:41:18+00:00

So after having her fun with the other guy (you better believe he had fun with her as well). She now wants to return to a safe place?

She didn’t just betray you, she betrayed her family.

And brining your kids around this guy? AVOID women that would do this to your kids. I imagine she had a grand idea of replacing you and making the new guy some sort of filler dad/step dad.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-05-26T14:29:56+00:00

OF COURSE you don't take her back!!🤣😂

Tell her:

"What exactly do I get out of taking you back?"

"What do I get out of this besides a moody disloyal pile of used up slunkmeat that vomits lie after lie out of a dank hole in the middle of its dumb fucking face?"

"Sell me on the idea, honey. What does a typical day in our 'new and improved' marriage look like?"

If she tells you she loves you say:

"You just told me a few months ago you DIDN'T love me. Were you lying then or lying now? Either way, you are a lying liar who lies. Is it a good idea for ANYONE to have a relationship with a PROVEN liar?"

Update us on what she says to that! 😅🤣😂

Flashy_Yam967 · 2024-05-26T14:27:44+00:00

Bpd and an affair history, there is nothing more that needs saying. I've done the whole affair, bpd thing and promised myself, never again.

She almost certainly will cheat again. If you're cool with that, make another run if you want but don't if you're not cool with it.

bluewizard8877 · 2024-05-26T14:25:23+00:00

NO!!!!!!! whether or not she does have BPD, she has some of the classic signs. They are parasites and will attach to whatever/whoever is going to give them the best deal at that time. Run. Do not take her back. I understand the allure of BPDs. They can be almost drug-like in how they can pull you back in (and they are fully aware of it). Protect your daughters as much as possible. Her behavior and habits will 100% cause issues as they get older.

0neMinute · 2024-05-26T14:23:04+00:00

Her plan B failed, you are now plan c while she looks for the next upgrade. You can’t trust her and it is a guarantee she will do it again. Want to test her? Make her prove herself for a year while she is living elsewhere. Your going to sniff dishonesty left and right though as she starts feeling around for the next guy. The idea of your family died the day she cheated, things will never be the same and she will never respect you for taking her back, in fact she will start to resent you for being so weak.

DicksOut4Edamame · 2024-05-26T14:17:41+00:00

Move on. Never look back. Don’t be stupid.

We all want our families back, but we all came to realize that those families - and the dynamics that made them families - no longer exist. You can’t put back together what she broke. Don’t be stupid

aPersonWithAPlan · 2024-05-26T14:17:28+00:00

I stopped reading at “affair”. If you even are considering taking someone back after she cheated on you…

Title	Divorce is final. Ex trying to come back
Author	Par_then_Bar
Upvotes	39
Comments	71
Date	May 26, 2024 2:07 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1d125cg/divorce_is_final_ex_trying_to_come_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce-is-final-ex-trying-to-come-back.1519594 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519594

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