Going thought a divorce

Legitimate-Match2675 · 2024-03-02T14:23:37+00:00

17 years for me too. Finished my divorce up last year and am happier than ever. Had more sex in the couple of years it took to divorce than in 17 years of marriage. Enjoy it. Go get laid.

Shitty part of course is having to split custody of my two kids with that bitch.

DivorceCoachTeddy · 2024-03-01T20:13:14+00:00

When someone decides to walk away, it’s not just about saying goodbye to what you have now; it’s about letting go of all those future plans you made together. Healing from such a loss is really a matter of time. The key is to take care of yourself while your heart heals. Looking back on my own journey through a divorce and the end of several long-term relationships, I’ve come to see a deeper meaning in those moments.

When someone says they don’t want to be with you anymore, what they are ultimately mean is that their life is better without you in it. And as harsh as it seem; if they feel that way, then you should give them the gift of your absence. It’s a sign to let them go. By setting them free, you’re not just freeing them; you’re freeing yourself too. It’s about understanding that this isn’t the end of your happiness but a step towards finding a new kind of joy that’s right for you. Hang in there, it will get better with time.

MartyMcFly7 · 2024-03-01T18:50:29+00:00

tl;dr Stop loving her so much.

The most important thing I've learned about keeping a women happy is that it doesn't matter how much you love them, but how much they love you. In other words, you will never make a woman love you more by smothering her with more love. This has the opposite effect.

When you chase a woman, she instinctively runs way. Her brain doesn't ask, "Can I get and keep this man?" Instead, it only asks, "Do I want this man?" And since you're chasing her -- which suggests you're of lower value and that she's "settled" for you -- the answer is likely "No."

It's counter-intuitive, but sometimes loving her less (if done correctly) can make her love you more. This, in turn, makes her happier in the long run. She's happier because she feels that she hasn't settled and she continues to believe she is lucky to have you.

Women want men who don't need them.

They want men who exude confidence; men who can quiet the storm, men who can keep them safe, men who reassure and support them, appreciate them, men who could easily do better but still choose to stay.

In many ways (as creepy as it may sound) women are subconsciously looking for a replacement father-figure (with a few exceptions). Just as a young girl looks up to her father (who towers over her, which is possibly why women tend to prefer tall men) for wisdom, strength, love, and ability to keep her safe, she's looking to replace this figure. (Men do likewise, but often make the mistake of thinking women are okay with coddling them. But women want the father-figure, not to coddle a man-child.)

If you truly love her, you should want what’s best for her, even if that's someone else! So if she wants to leave for greener pastures, support her! (I sometimes go so far as to jokingly suggest it, if she thinks she'd be happer.) It simultaneously shows that you care about her happiness while also suggesting you don't need her (and that she hasn't settled). It's possibly the one thing that will have her questioning her decision to leave. After all, if you're okay with it... maybe you have more value than she thought. The greater the guy you are, the more she'll question her decison.

So instead of showing more love, sometimes you need to pull away. Don't reach out to her, but still support her, and be okay with it.

But what if that backfires? If you support her in her desire to find greater happiness in life, and she chooses to leave, great! She gets to leave, and you get to rid yourself of some flake who didn't know what they wanted. You're now free to move on and find someone better. I've been there, I'm on the other side now, and it's 1000% better being with someone who knows they want to be there.

Dramatic-Ad7192 · 2024-03-01T17:55:06+00:00

Yeah mine filed first and restraining order and everything. Meanwhile I was told by others I just needed to make a grand love gesture. Like this ain’t no fucking love movie where everything turns out ok. It’s just bullshit trash that needs to die

playerknowmore · 2024-03-01T17:16:06+00:00

My question would be, "Do you have a place to stay?" I'd hate to think I married someone stupid enough to say that without a plan.

roman_erudite · 2024-03-01T15:12:05+00:00

You realize she's not the woman you built up in your head and love so much. You realize that this is her reality. She turned out to be a traitor and you misjudged her character. She's not deserving of that love. You need to cut your losses and recover what's left of your life. Don't fall to the sunken cost fallacy.

Cvdiva · 2024-03-01T15:02:50+00:00

I told mine that last year and best decision ever. Give the space and start working on yourself. Find you

bigedcactushead · 2024-03-01T13:19:50+00:00

Did she discuss her diminishing feelings for you over time or were you blindsided? If blindsided, there's a strong possibility she's cheating on you.

SyllabubSure5715 · 2024-03-01T12:09:52+00:00

Women are doing this to men every day. Taking away our entire lives. Leaving us with nothing. I cry every day after my divorce. I’m rare in that I initiated the divorce. But the pain is no different. She chose alcohol and cats and a family that makes poor decisions over me.

BaldieGoose · 2024-03-01T12:01:18+00:00

Welcome to the club.

Hit the gym.

Go hiking and camping.

Don't simp. Don't cry over her. It's done, seriously, don't bother hoping otherwise. The less time you waste becoming super powered the faster you move on and upgrade. I promise you this.

Gkuse · 2024-03-01T10:06:11+00:00

Time is the answer ….its a head war until it’s not. Pray, cry and get it out of your system. Most of all stay as sober as possible. Vent here with men who understand what you’re feeling.

It’s not the answer I wanted to hear either. But this is the way. Stay strong

dudefromyork · 2024-03-01T09:48:50+00:00

It gets better. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. Please believe me. It really will be so much better about 18 months from now. You just gotta get through it.

Some great advice on this thread already. Just one piece of advice from me. Whatever it us, never ever ever think “she wouldn’t do that to me”. She will. And if she isn’t already she’s planning to. Trust your gut instincts, that’s your subconscious trying to protect you.

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-03-01T08:16:03+00:00

Radical acceptance my brother. It hurts ... trust me, I know. At the end of the day ... I'll just make a lame ass movie quote: Shawshank Redemption - "Get busy living, or get busy dying".

She played her fucking hand. You can't trump it. You were fucked on the flop. Thought you had a chance on the Turn .... then went all in on the River ... she stole your fucking life-jacket, hit you over the head with the ore ... and then dropped Aces over Kings, Full House. And you just lost your entire fucking bank-roll.

The only thing you can do is accept that you are now in a place you never wanted to be and never planned to be ... yet here you are anyway. Get in therapy. Read some books that inspire you. Treat yourself to some simple pleasures (I enjoy a stupidly expensive spiced chai latte while I take an early morning walk around a lake ... about 2x per week) ... reset, and then start building up your bank-roll again.

It hurts dude .. I've been there ... shit, I'm there right now ... but all I know is that the only control I have is the control I have over me.

500dollarsinprizes · 2024-03-01T06:27:52+00:00

You are months or years behind the current state of the relationship. Harder work on your part will not work. You’ll just feel exhausted, and still wrong.

You’ll look for answers from the arsonist who set your world on fire.

You’ll replay history looking for the magic turning point.

You’ll try hard til you collapse, psychologically exhausted.

Color will return to your life. Hold on to your breath, feel your heart still beating, dont let her extinguish you.

Whatever strength it took to reach out here, treasure it and protect it. You’ll need it to fond someone who will listen.

Stitching · 2024-03-01T05:42:55+00:00

To those newly going through an abrupt divorce that blindsided you and has you feeling like you’re going to be miserable forever…

I’m reposting a comment I left earlier today that could help others going through misery after being recently blindsided by a divorce (with young kids in my case).

You’re being too hard on yourself. Your divorce is completely fresh and you need to give yourself grace and allow yourself to feel the pain, the heartbreak, the fear, etc. You’re in the grieving process for your marriage. I felt suicidal and didn’t want to get out of bed for the first 2 months after my stbxw decided she wanted a divorce. I have 3 kids as well and they’re the reason I never ended my life. In that time I begged my wife to give me another chance. I explained how much I had learned in therapy and how different I was. And every time I had my heartbroken by her response, which was cordial but firm on continuing the divorce. I couldn’t understand why she was throwing me away. I had built my identity around my family, being a dad and a husband. My plans for the future all revolved around my family. When she divorced me I spiraled. I went through the worst pain, heartbreak, worthlessness, etc I’ve ever experienced.

What I did was go to group therapy. I found an “iop” program my insurance covered and went 5 days a week for three group therapy sessions per day. I also saw a personal therapist. I cried, a lot. I also worked with my psychiatrist on medication. I have clinical depression and it took me those first 2 months to realize I wasn’t just feeling grief because I was making progress in getting toward acceptance of my divorce but I was still feeling suicidal and unable to function. We adjusted my medication multiple times. I cried some more. I stayed in bed watching Netflix and to give myself some grace I called it “self care.” I thought it was going to go on forever and I would never be happy or able to function again.

But now at 3.5 months in I’m in a totally different world. I’m happy. I hopeful. My self esteem is great. My divorce is just a background issue that I don’t spend much time worrying about. My stbxw divorcing me doesn’t feel like losing a best friend anymore. We get along in terms of coparenting and raising the kids but I’m not only not in love with her anymore, but most days I don’t even like her very much.

The way I got to a better place involves the following:

-I got a really good lawyer who I trust (I can help you figure out how to do this if you haven’t yet).

-I went to daily group therapy that got me out of bed and taught me a ton about both myself and my ex. It also gave me lots of chances to share and cry my eyes out.

-I worked with a therapist and a psychiatrist. I adjusted my medication until I finally started to feel like my clinical depression was in remission.

-I reached out to every single person I knew who I thought could be supportive and I texted or spoke to them daily. My sister turned out to be hugely supportive of me. I shared what I was feeling and with the good friends I didn’t have to worry about burning them out on my complaining/venting.

-I really took it in that I was in the grieving process and there are stages to it. They don’t always go in order and can happen at the same time and I went back to denial several times, but I understood that what I was in was grief. I cried a lot. Then I cried some more when a new thought came up.

-When I couldn’t find a support group for people going through divorce in my area that wasn’t religious or lead by a lawyer or “divorce coach” I created my own divorces in my area social group on Facebook and started by inviting everyone I knew on FB who was divorced to join. I created an event: a weekly coffee meetup on Sunday mornings.

-I started spending time around my stbxw when I was at the house coparenting and instead of focusing on how in love with her I was, I just let that go to observe who she actually was in reality. I started to see that she was extremely controlling, that she was selfish, entitled, someone who didn’t really listen to me and certainly didn’t seem to value what I had to say. She was someone who thought my having a differing opinion on almost anything was a fight and she would try to make me feel like I was an asshole before shutting down the conversation completely. I realized I had been putting my stbxw on a pedestal in my mind based on all the good memories and using her opinion of me to shape my own self esteem. But once I started looking at the real her (or at least the real her post-divorcing me) I started to realize that SHE was at least half the problem in our relationship. And someone like her’s opinion of me didn’t matter nearly as much because it was just based on her messed up thinking. Her being un-self-aware. It made her feel better about herself and her decision to make me out to be the bad guy but I realized I’m not. I definitely contributed to the problems in our marriage but I was on the path to becoming a better person and her not being able to see it is because it was more convenient for her to see me as the bad guy and not recognize any of her contribution to our divorce. If I’m the bad guy she can go along being however she was without having to question her own behavior or recognize any of her own issues. My self esteem slowly started to improve after that recognition.

-My stbxw and I were in agreement about how important it was for our kids to have both parents in their lives and for that I’m appreciative of her. I see my kids 4 days a week and I love them so much and they have become my sole focus when it comes to my family. Before I felt like my kids fill up most of my heart but losing my stbxw as my best friend was a wound in my heart that my kids couldn’t fill. But that wound is gone now because of the above. Now my kids are my everything and figuring out ways to enjoy my single life is what I focus on on the days I don’t see my kids.

-I also read a lot of Reddit /divorce throughout. Seeing how typical my situation and my feelings were really helped me feel less alone and less like there was something wrong with me for being divorced and feeling how I felt. It also helped me appreciate certain aspects of my divorce, like being able to see my kids so much. Seeing how shitty some other people’s divorces are really helped me put my own divorce into perspective.

I think that’s mainly how I got from suicidal to optimistic. If you want to chat or vent or talk something out, please feel free to private message me! I hope this helps! You’re not alone in what you’re going through or how you feel. And people like me are here to help because we’ve been there and recognize the unfortunate truth that the road to happiness passes through hell first. And I don’t want anyone to get lost in hell without a guide out!

chimps20 · 2024-03-01T05:34:50+00:00

Think back to when you were single and do all the things you wanted or use to do. Make it about you. Give your self a time line. Go travel , go to a hooker.

Accomplished_Shop822 · 2024-03-01T05:19:42+00:00

I dont want her back she slept with several men and is dating

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2024-03-01T05:08:53+00:00

Married 16 years, I am a year or so into a very vicious divorce. I hear you man.

captainchippsixx · 2024-03-01T04:56:58+00:00

First off women think ahead. She wants you to believe her story. But reality is she planned the day and how she was going to tell you.

Do yourself a favor and look at her phone. See what she is saying to her friends.
See what she is saying in all her messages. Check her deleted photos and photos. Check what kinds of apps she has. You could check what kind of apps she has downloaded. Anyway check it and see why is really going on, I would say there is a 90% chance you find out some really bad shit.

Once you know reality, come back and let us know.

My general advice is to not beg or ask to try. Just say fuck it. Be a man and a leader. Take charge of your life. Where are going to live, lawyer, research, change passwords, analyze assets and finances to the penny, put alerts on accounts. Write the plan work the plan.

brok_zenuwe · 2024-03-01T03:39:21+00:00

Sorry you're going through this. Know that you are not alone.

Like someone else said, no one just eakes up and decides to nuke their marriage and family. Women check out long before we know it, so by the time the news hits, it's like we've been blind sided.

Love is a choice, every day. Typically what happens is we forget to keep dating our spouse when kids come into the picture, and the kids are the primary focus. Once the kids leave the household, the focus shifts back on each other, and since people change, we don't know who the hell we're married to anymore, because we forgot to put the marriage ahead of everything (other than God, if you're into that).

Women think and therefore act based on emotion. "If I feel this way, it must be true that abc, so I will do xyz." Horrifying...

Maybe all is not lost. Are you still on speaking terms? Is counseling an option? Can you ask what she would want from you in an ideal situation, what caused her to fall in love with you in the first place?

This isn't a club anyone wants to join, but you have support here if you should ever need it. We've all been there and this is a safe space to vent or whatever you need. Talk about it, talk about it, then talk some more. Allow yourself to feel the emotions in the moment. Journal to give thanks for what you have, and to record how you feel. In the days and weeks and months ahead, you will see for yourself the progress you will have inevitably made.

Not to minimize your pain, but you're not the first this has happned to, and you won't be the last. I say this to drive it home that as a man facing divorce, you are not alone by any measure. We get it. Let iron sharpen iron. Lean on us. We're here. We can be strong for you and lift you up. No shame. No cost. No obligation. No judgement. Just brotherly love and sincere wishes to help you find stillness and peace. Take it day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute if you need to. There's no wrong way. You'll see you can make it another minute, another hour, another day, another week. You can do this. It has happened before to many of us, and we're still kicking. It will be ok bro, let those of us who can, help you.

upandatom85 · 2024-03-01T03:21:36+00:00

This is a copy pasta I share with everyone who needs it. Most of this will apply to you. If you think part of it does not apply just wait a bit... this is what is known as the list. Feel free to add to it. It will only help others.

Don't drink. It'll only hurt the situation. Trust me. You need to stay calm drinking will not help with this.

Do not lose your temper. If you do not stay calm you will lose. She wants you to get upset. She wants to be able to call the cops on you.

You can be darn sure she is going to try to get an EPO (emergency protection order) against you. All she has to say is there is escalating behavior and she is afraid for her life and boom. It'll cost you 10k minimum to fight it and have it thrown out.

Give your firearms to someone so she can't say that you threatened her. She may try to have your firearms taken away. It is difficult to get them back from the police.

Record every conversation and prepare for false domestic violence accusations (CUBE ACR records calls automatically and can also record on your phone in the background. Its free in the app store). Check your local laws regarding recording. An illegal recording proving you innocent is better than none at all.

She will try to provoke you to get you to say things to use against you. STAY CALM! RECORD EVERYTHING!

Lift heavy weights.

Walk. Daily.

Learn to meditate.

Get therapy. Honestly, it will help. No matter how tough you think you are we can all use a little help.

Change all passwords. INCLUDING YOUR PHONE! Mutual or not. Be sure she does not have access to your accounts of any sort. Get a new credit card. Fully separate finances. Figure out what you still need to pay and what is her fucking problem now.

She will try to clean out your account and will take anything she is able to. You need to prevent that. Chances are she is way ahead of you on this.

Secure important paperwork including tax information and anything she can use against you in a safe location.

She's 10 steps ahead of you. She's already told her friends/family/attorney. She's got big plans for your money and property.

She will try to get you out of the house. Do not leave your home! If she wants to end the relationship she can leave. If you are gone from the home she will claim abandonment and keep rights to the home.

Document every fucking thing. Keep a notebook in your phone(New safe password). Record interactions and important notes. Record all interactions. Women lie! Sucks, but it's true.

She will try to rewrite history. Things that happened will not have happened. What was said or done will not be the same as reality. This is called GASLIGHTING. Look it up and understand it! She will make you question your grip on reality. She will rewrite your history to make you the bad guy in her story, to justify what she is currently doing to you and what she has done to you.

If you're wondering if you need a lawyer then you needed one last month. Lawyers suck and are expensive. Get a good one.

Research GREY ROCK/180 METHOD, then implement It.

Research MONKEY BRANCHING and understand the female imperative. If she's leaving you she probably already has someone else. Sorry.

Research and understand BRIFFAULTS LAW.

Research and understand the LIGHT SWITCH EFFECT.

Research and understand DARVO TACTICS.

Look up FEMALIE SOLIPSISM.

This is a catch all list. It may or may not completely apply to you. Most of it will I'm sure. Good luck. Stay strong.

Books: the first one is a Canadian book!

-Surviving your divorce by Michael Cochrane

https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tFP1zc0Sso1K8tOMjdg9BIrLi0qyyzLzEtXqMwvLVJIySzLL0pOBQDu5g03&q=surviving+your+divorce&oq=surviving+your+&aqs=chrome.1.0i355i512j46i512j69i57j0i512j46i512l3j0i512j46i512.7999j1j4&client=ms-android-rogers-ca-revc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

NO MORE MR NICE GUY is a book you should read.

If she cheated.... check out LEAVE A CHEATER GAIN A LIFE. And/or CHEATING IN A NUTSHELL.

If anyone has any advice or info they would like to add to "the list" please let me know.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-03-01T03:18:03+00:00

When she told you she wanted a divorce, she had already grieved the loss of the marriage and is ready to move on, she might be sleeping with someone else already. Women just don’t wake up one day and decide it’s over it happens over a span of time, they will give u little hints if they’re unhappy here and there and expect you to figure it out.

OpeScuseMe74 · 2024-03-01T03:07:51+00:00

If this is brand new, definitely start having the hard conversations with her about what is really going on in her head about your marriage. Her feelings may seem to have come out of nowhere but they didn't just show up one morning.

My first wife and I certainly had problems but I never thought, in a million years, that she was gonna give up on us. She was diagnosed bipolar in our 10th year. We almost made it to 15. She had a lot of issues that were never voiced until too late and our "marriage counselor" was a joke.

See if marriage counseling is an option. 17 years is a lot to throw away. And if she's open to counseling, make damn sure that your counselor is helping you work toward your goal of reconciliation. There's work to be done. You both need to promise to do it. There is no 50/50. There is only 100/100.

If she's unwilling to participate and communicate 100% truthfully, then start shopping for an attorney. Then start mourning the death of your marriage. Don't bury it in the ground if there's still life in it.

Good luck to you, my friend.

Redo1970 · 2024-03-01T02:57:55+00:00

You take it all day by day, let yourself greave the loss of what was and embrace what can be. You will smile again, laugh again, and be an improved version of yourself. Go through it, endure it, and come out better than you thought possible. It will hurt, but that will be less and less as time passes by. Trust yourself.

Enough_Youth_4564 · 2024-03-01T02:57:21+00:00

1- It doesn’t hurt like having a chronic sickness or a losing a limb. There are way more worse things in life than being heart broken. 2- but I know it hurts, believe me… it will get better and you rationalize it 3- she checked out many months before, you will realize this soon 4- protect your finances, ASAP 5- read though the subreddit , you will learn a lot. 6- don’t be disappointed if she doesn’t want to reconcile. If she really moves into divorce, then you’re dealing with a different woman now.

Sorry this happened.

swrdfsh2 · 2024-03-01T02:45:53+00:00

Read through the sub a bit more. There is a near 0% chance she woke up and decided it was over.

Sucks for sure, but you need to start consulting with attorneys asap.

Expect to find out more than you ever wanted to know as you go through this process.

Title	Going thought a divorce
Author	Accomplished_Shop822
Upvotes	28
Comments	80
Date	March 1, 2024 2:36 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1b3j5zy/going_thought_a_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/going-thought-a-divorce.1246801 https://theredarchive.com/post/1246801

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