Saved marriage

Low_Distribution5188 · 2024-10-18T21:05:14+00:00

When your wife becomes the provider it's over..the sex stops she will absolutely not help you..and most likely found someone else..I lost my job a year ago my wife wanted me out the house.. verbal and physical abuse..it was bad..she told me to go to the welfare office if I needed food or money and this my wife..move on..when a wife is done she done 💯

user20084603 · 2024-10-16T19:02:05+00:00

No, she's already decided to do this. She's convinced herself this is better for everyone and will now look to shed responsibility for ending it. Its not about work or chores, she likely doesn't know what mature relationships are like and just wants something new and exciting. Happens all the time these days.

CrazySanta7 · 2024-10-16T12:19:18+00:00

No, it is over. You need to understand she mourned the death of the marriage months or years ago. She has identified a 'new car' that she is interested in. She has taken 'joy rides' in this car. 80-90% of women initiate separation/divorce. Think about that. Once this is done, the man panics and makes 'changes', begs, pleads, manipulates, etc. She feels the desperation and loses even more respect.

Best thing you can do is realize the above and go through the suck. Get back to your pre marriage self. Friends, hobbies, gym, clothes, job, etc. It can take years to get through this. Your vision of the future has been ruined by someone else's decision. Stop looking up 'how to save a marriage' and start looking up 'how to build yourself up after divorce'. You can do this, bro.

fffrdcrrf · 2024-10-16T00:10:17+00:00

Tell me if Im wrong (because I had a similar experience and have been wondering about this) but the issues you mentioned are not reasons to divorce they are issues that can be navigated through. The fact that she is threatening divorce over this makes me wonder if she is wanting to divorce for more selfish reasons and is just using those excuses for justification. God forbid you work hard and don’t do more around the house, divorce because of that is like flipping the game board over because you had a bad round.

playerknowmore · 2024-10-16T02:17:51+00:00

If you can't check your wife, you shouldn't have a wife. If she feels she can use divorce as a behavior modification tool, she shouldn't be married. As someone who who has been married twenty years. Love can be replaced by companionship. But respect and trust are irreplaceable. If she doesn't respect you, she'll never respect you. If either you lose trust, it will never be regained.

If she suggests changes that you need to make, yet thinks she's perfect, that is a red flag. No woman who respects her man asks him to make wholesale changes for her to stay. No respect, no marriage. Personally, if she thinks I'm that bad, I'd wonder who she is comparing me to.

This_Train340i · 2024-10-15T19:28:47+00:00

Once a woman checks out of a relationship and turns off the light, it's over. Begging her to reconsider has the opposite affect, and causes her to respect you less. She's got eyes for different cock, that's all this is. She wants to ride the cock carousel. She's not your friend anymore, and probably never was. So many boss babes on social media are doing this, and your wife can't resist. Sorry brother, but at least it sounds like you've got a good chance at an amicable divorce on favorable terms.

Bermnerfs · 2024-10-15T23:46:11+00:00

Yes, I was able to save my marriage. It wasn't easy, and took a radical shift in how I viewed the dynamic between us. It also required me to make some serious positive changes in myself.

I found some very valuable advice from a YouTube channel called "Marriage Reset" and applied what I learned.

It isn't a guarantee but there are some universal things that cause women to fall out of love, and marriages to fail. Knowing how these things work give you a better chance of fighting the ship. This assumes your wife isn't a narcissist or psychopath.

tomsnow164 · 2024-10-15T22:58:31+00:00

Don’t fight it Divorce is great, it’s time. You deserve so much better that worry if you meet her demands for doing enough.

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2024-10-15T22:48:01+00:00

Fifty times, at least, over the course of a two decade marriage. Some of these saves were genius/heroic (on my part), some were luck, some were her not actually wanting to leave just yet. It only took one goalie miss to nuke it all, in the end, though.

Jollyoberlord · 2024-10-15T22:18:32+00:00

Shoot my stbxw always told me that the issue was and i adjusted HARD and it was never enough. I think they try to soften the blow to you just so in the end youll settle for less. Mine is a major manipulator though. She cheated on me and the same time said “idk why i did youre so perfect” so personally id say, brace for impact and have all your ducks in a row based on how it sounds

Commercial-Doubt-612 · 2024-10-15T22:11:31+00:00

Same situation. She said she wanted to coparent but still staying together for the sake of the kids. Once in a while we had sex even tho we still in separate bedroom. Been going on for 3 years and it made me miserable because of my emotion going up and down. Like I am stuck in an eternal misery loop. When she got transferred to other district, she holds a government job, she only comes back once a month to see the kids. I am left alone with 3 kids for weeks. I really want to file for divorce but pity my kids. Marriage is saved but it also become pointless.

Sweaty_Ad_9820 · 2024-10-15T22:06:43+00:00

Never bro off w her head. Her going around behind your back is a sure sign. A woman dont want you it will never change. You working to much is not a bad thing its how the bills get paid. You could kiss her ass from here to infinity she will still pull the trigger. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

MinorFourChord · 2024-10-15T22:02:14+00:00

I had a similar situation that has improved dramatically. Feel free to DM me if you need someone to chat with.

Jmovic · 2024-10-15T21:45:54+00:00

She let me know what the problem was, and I adjusted.

A couple of female relationship coaches say that as long as you're not abusive or a clear douchebag, when a woman loses attraction there's hardly anything you as the man can do to get it back.

She convinced herself that she was no longer attracted to you and wanted to be just friends, only she can convince herself otherwise. You can adjust but it's left to her to convince her mind that you've changed. She didn't want to for whatever reason.

Sorry you're in this situation, but you just have to accept it.

captainchippsixx · 2024-10-15T21:23:47+00:00

Come on man. Stop being a simp passenger in this. Take the lead. Assume divorce. Be a man and say fuck it. If she wants a divorce she doesn’t love you or respect you. You should talk a lawyer and be worried about asset and debt protection.

I don’t want to read later that you say by while she schooled you with surprise after surprise how she forced you to move out, money was taken, floated abuse claims against you. When you fuck around and wait…. This is what happens. She knows what she is doing. That’s why she told everyone that: look at her actions, not the words she is telling you.

During my marriage of over 20 years .. me working my ass off and gradually taking over everything else - the house cleaning, the shopping the kids appts. While she was sahm working very little part time. I hope to fuck your wife is working?

1- consult a lawyer 2- know where every penny is and very penny owed. 3- be indifferent to her. Unless you see a change of ACTIONS. Her words are bullshit to throw you off.

Be the leader. Don’t let her drag it out.

bennyl23 · 2024-10-15T21:08:43+00:00

Nope. What does your gut tell you. Listen to that.

Top_Shelf_8982 · 2024-10-15T20:32:34+00:00

My contention remains that the relationship can grow beyond the problems you face today.

That doesn't mean you can "save" your marriage. The marriage you had is dead and you shouldn't want to "save" it because it wasn't strong to begin with.

If one of you commits to growing beyond the person you were who contributed to the decline of the relationship, it is possible that the other will follow and, jointly, you can build a better relationship than the one you had.

Two problems complicate that dynamic: 1 - most people are not really capable of the introspection and discipline necessary to withstand the resistance they receive if they choose to attempt this and 2 - the other party has to be truly open to, and eventually cooperative with, the building of the new relationship.

A person who is willing to undertake that personal development work is, undoubtedly, the best choice the other spouse could make under the circumstances. The rarity of such an individual easily rockets them to the position of a truly high-value partner. Pride, resentment, contempt, anger, a smooth-talking stranger with no moral compass and a million other factors - along with a social media world seemingly designed to destroy as many relationships as possible - most typically stand in the other spouse's way.

Yes. It's possible. It's hard. Most people today won't follow through and actually do hard things.

It's really only possible under one condition: you are willing to become the best version of yourself simply to be the best version of yourself. It can't be "for" her or anyone else. Then, and only then, should she be remotely convinced that you are not the man you were as the relationship deteriorated. At that point, if she decides to leave, you are still the best version of yourself that you can be truly happy with. There's literally nothing else you could have authentically done to offer her the life that would be best for you, her, and your kids.

Content-Class1259 · 2024-10-15T20:27:40+00:00

All the classic lines…zero chance my friend, prepare for war!

GarbanzoBenne · 2024-10-15T20:04:20+00:00

There's absolutely a chance, but there's nothing you can do to guarantee it, only work towards the best chances. There's a lot of (often justified) negativity from those who weren't able to save their marriage and got screwed over in the process. So, be sure to take that bias into account.

I do know a few people in real life, and many online, who were able to save their marriages. I also know quite a few who were not successful. Cheating was not a universal factor. It's especially difficult if she has a therapist (in particular a female therapist) or friends who are supporting the divorce.

There's this saying that the problem isn't the problem. There's usually something deeper. If she's brought up some behaviors that you've addressed, that's good, but there's more there that she may even not understand.

This feeling that things are going to work out: is that your assessment or what she's said to you?

If she's willing to try, there are some good marriage coaching programs out there and a few good therapists, but you need to be careful with the latter. My biggest mistake was going to couples counseling in the beginning and expecting the therapist to guide us through some sort of process. Instead, we spent about three months complaining about parenting, we both thought the therapist was taking the other person's side, and then once my wife first mentioned divorce the therapist just said I needed to accept it.

I'm trying and I wish you luck if you decide to try, too.

PghSubie · 2024-10-15T19:39:27+00:00

You're going to be co-parenting for a bunch of years. Do the counseling. Improve the relationship. Salvage whatever friendship that you can. You'll need to have a good working relationship with her. But, accept that a loving marriage is likely no longer an option

Movieman_Steve · 2024-10-15T18:53:55+00:00

Mine didn't verbally say anything about divorce before she left, just divorce in the note. I hate to say it that you'll need to consult with a lot of divorce lawyers quickly, cause it's a high 99.99% chance that divorce will happen or else she's already got the lawyer and divorce papers ready to be delivered to you.

techrmd3 · 2024-10-15T18:38:56+00:00

yes this is common and from all the stories I have heard from men post divorce... it's a no win situation

When a spouse says "I want a divorce" or "I don't want to be married anymore"

It's a bell that can't be un-rung. (sorry you are getting a divorce, no matter what you do or say)

When a spouse says divorce, the logical thing is to ask why... and if you ask why you WILL get an answer an answer that logically fits some behavior that your spouse has issue with.

BUT (and this is BIG), the change in behavior does not address the REAL REAL issue that prompted the spouse to talk about divorce.

Some say couple's therapy. (which every single man I have talked to stated it's a waste of time, read more here on this forum to understand why)

Some say having deep talks and sharing of hidden feelings will work (no this does not work either)

Actually the issue is that the spouse does not want to be married TO YOU anymore. THAT'S IT. It's not a rejection of what you do, say or think. It's a fundamental rejection of YOU... the Person the Being.

For whatever reason (and the reason may be silly, good luck getting a spouse to admit that) for whatever reason the spouse does not want to continue in life WITH YOU anymore.

The best thing is to quit pretending YOU can fix this and send your spouse on their merry way without YOU. Maybe they will regret it. Maybe they will realize what they are giving up. But I have yet to see any spouse realize WHILE DIVORCING that they are making a big mistake... unless it's the man leaving due to an affair and the jilted wife is told that the affair ended... (only narrow case the couple reconciles... and even then there is a high probability they divorce in 1-3 years)

soontobesolo · 2024-10-15T18:35:11+00:00

No, there is no chance. Prepare accordingly. Now.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f4yhuc/my_advice_to_those_starting_down_this_path/

-mental-balance- · 2024-10-15T18:34:11+00:00

She can't get over the resentment or doesn't want to? See here's the thing, she mentioned what the problem was, YOU ADJUSTED and it sort of worked, what is she doing to contribute to fixing the relationship? If it's only you fixing things, my man in the end it won't work. You can try therapy but it seems she wants out just bc she can't let go of her resentment, she needs to go to therapy and deal with her resentment.

TXJohn83 · 2024-10-15T18:26:10+00:00

You can 'try' couples therapy... but if I was you I would start solo therapy, and talking to a lawyer. You are about to be in for a wild ride, she is pre planning the break up, and you are just there about to start pissing in the wind.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2024-10-15T18:21:51+00:00

I tried but ultimately it didn't work.

She said she wanted a divorce, we went to therapy and it worked for a while. Then the d-word surfaced again and she fled with the children to her parents during COVID for 6 months. I convinced her to come back. Finally, two years later, I decided that it wasn't going to work out so I filed for divorce.

In my experience, once one of the partners has seriously thought of divorce to even bring it up, it's not salvageable.

deep66it2 · 2024-10-15T18:19:34+00:00

Keep your mouth shut & get a lawyer.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-10-15T18:12:36+00:00

Use the time to establish best position for divorce. Ensure that you are equally (or more) involved parent, she works and has decent income, etc.

But keep in mind that since she mentioned divorce she already has next candidate lined up.

Reflog1791 · 2024-10-15T16:17:41+00:00

You should hit the gym and get buff. Update your wardrobe. Get a new hairstyle.

Start a new way of living that actually serves you. Go out with friends. Pick up a new hobby. Make yourself scarce around the house.

Placating wife hasn’t worked and won’t work. All it’s done is made her lose respect and attraction for you.

If other women are checking you out she will guard you jealously. By that point you will probably realize, this relationship isn’t serving me either.

Filing for the divorce yourself could be the move. It’s pretty standard she is taking you for granted and no amount of chores will make her want you. Usually the update to this story is she has the tingles for someone else.

If you end up divorcing I’ll just tell you my life is 1000x better afterwards. I had cheating ex wife. Of course she cheated because I didn’t do enough chores lol.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-10-15T16:11:28+00:00

You don't save your old marriage. You communicate with your partner and work to build an entirely new marriage. Obviously your partner has to be onboard with this.

You cut back on work, you contribute more to household chores, you begin dating your wife again like you did prior to having kids. You will also have a list of things you need her to change or start doing.

This will happen every 5 years or so in a marriage. People grow and change so your relationship also has to grow and change. If you are the same person you were 5 years ago you are stagnating.

Propose building something new from scratch. Let the old relationship go. This is the only way to move forward as romantic partners.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-10-15T14:09:47+00:00

can't get over her resentment towards me

Resentment is a killer … doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do, or what you do now or in the future. Once it sets in, it’s a them problem not a you problem. As she’s said, “she” can’t get over her resentment. Exactly. You can’t get her over her resentment either.

Ok_Carry1760 · 2026-01-28T04:06:37+00:00

Don't know how it will end, living under the same roof for logistics and for the child. Separate lives. She was all out to step out or me leaving the house. I didn't want to step out of the house as I am the one paying rent and for the maintenance. Given her the total space to be whatever she wants. She is locked up in the room most of the time. I go about my thing cooking including for her, caring for the kid, paying the utilities and looking after myself more than I have ever done. Meditating, playing golf, working hard at work, spending a lot of time with the kid being the stable parent, hitting th gym, lost all the ugly fat. Been about 3 months. No sex, no being close to each other, we still eat whatever each other cooks, no talking except kids logistics or home logistics. Had a bit of long eye contact and a casual comment from her that status is OK for now as we don't argue (which we used to do a lot) staying hopeful. It's tough, we even went on a expensive family trip that was pre-planned, for th sake of child, as total strangers, survived 6 hour flights seated next to each other not talking to each other. I guess as soon as you stop begging to stay or trying to win her back, the tension stops and gives both the space to heal from whatever fractured the marriage ( except for cheating)

Title	Saved marriage
Author	bEr9020
Upvotes	20
Comments	53
Date	October 15, 2024 12:22 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1g46dtw/saved_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/saved-marriage.1532875 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532875

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