Disclaimer: I’ve been wanting to make this post for awhile but do want to be sensitive to the topic itself. I recognize that Aspergers is no longer an accurate diagnosis and everything has been lumped into the category of Autism. Personally I don’t agree with it being all under one umbrella term because the spectrum of Autism is so wide that having Asperger‘s as a differentiator was a valuable term.

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After dating an engineer for 2 years and being emotional traumatized by the constant lack of affection, harsh words, and mistreatment I ended the relationship highly suspecting that he had Asperger’s.

I went on a date last night with a guy who instantly gave me the exact same vibes as my ex.

He was incredibly negative, had a loud and unfriendly vocal tone, he avoided eye contact, was incredibly opinionated, stern, and had an overall grumpy vibe.

I have been running into men like this for YEARS!

In general I am an intellectual and am attracted to intelligence. When I’m dating online I tend to gravitate towards men who have a wide vocabulary and the ability to comprehend complex topics. So I gravitate towards men who text about their interests and hobbies and are clearly intelligent.

The unfortunate thing is I’m seeing a pattern when I go to meet them.

Have you ladies been on dates where you could describe the man is disgruntled?

He barely smiles, he comes across as an asshole but it’s subtle. He’s not necessarily an asshole to you but overall it’s not a fun experience. The tone is heavy, he is mostly serious, not playful, etc.

Here’s an odd notice: He never validates what you say.

I.e. The difference between him saying “yes and“ (agreeing and approving of or validating what you said) versus “yeah but” (acknowledging you just said something but caring more about adding his thought then validating what you said.) Sometimes even to the point of literally saying what you just said but repeating it in different words as if it’s different… while still not acknowledging your knowledge on the topic.

Has anyone else run into this?

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Here is a list of Asperger Symptoms:

  • Inappropriate or minimal social interactions.

  • Conversations that almost always revolve around themselves or a certain topic, rather than others.

  • Not understanding emotions well or having less facial expression than others.

  • Speech that sounds unusual, such as flat, high-pitched, quiet, loud, or robotic.

  • Not using or understanding nonverbal communication, such as gestures, body language and facial expression.

  • An intense obsession with one or two specific, narrow subjects.

  • Becoming upset at any small changes in routines.

  • Memorizing preferred information and facts easily.

  • Difficulty managing emotions, sometimes leading to verbal or behavioral outbursts, self-injurious behaviors or tantrums.

  • Not understanding other peoples’ feelings or perspectives.

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There are other symptoms but these are related to how they can connect with or would effect other people.

Are there just a ton of men walking around with undiagnosed low-grade autism?

I feel like the most unfortunate thing of all of this is that these men are not necessarily “bad” men they’re just different. They’re not Neurotypical people, and when you’re neurodivergent without a diagnosis it can be an incredibly isolating and painful experience.

The biggest downside is people with these symptoms don’t know how to socialize and often look for guidance or rules on how to behave. These men struggle with women and want to improve but when they go online they end up on forums like Reddit or listening to alpha male podcasts and following the guidance of predatory or manipulative men.

In some cases it ends up working out for them and they end up using these learned behaviours because it seems to work for them. They use the PUA and Alpha male tactics to neg women and get one to be their girlfriend BUT then they don’t have a playbook on how to be a boyfriend so the relationship never works out. They get dumped, their confused, frustrated, and hurt because they DO ACTUALLY care but don’t know how to show it.

All of this is just random thoughts that have been collecting in my brain for years.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?

What are your thoughts?

EDIT: If you’ve had an ex like this, hopefully this post can help you detach from how terribly he treated you and you can remove any self blame for how the relationship went.