Pay attention to men with abusive patterns of behaviour, they may just be intentionality trying to to induce a Stockholm Syndrome response in their target.

CumbersomeOak · 2020-12-08T12:23:37+00:00

[deleted]

2340000 · 2020-12-08T12:51:32+00:00

After saying no countless times, my ex basically pinned me down, reached under my clothes and grabbed me in ways I never consented to. I was so scared and froze.

He later convinced me it was my fault. And after blaming me he'd be SUPER affectionate. His abuse literally started 4 weeks after meeting him and just got worse. He'd want to hold hands, stroke my hair, and take me to restaurants after.

Shecommand · 2020-12-08T15:45:37+00:00

I’ve lived it and I’m still reconciling in my head how he could emotionally terrorize, physically assault me then in a few hours profess his love and plant me a garden. Wake up to bringing me coffee in bed. The Two faces of Adam as I called it. That stuff makes her brain hurt, literally. I finally started journaling every single incident so I could see the pattern. Absolute mind f&ck!!! First time it happens, he’s checking your temperature to see how much you will tolerate. Get out as fast as you can. It’s NEVER going to get better, NEVER

mimiandthekeyboard · 2020-12-08T14:51:24+00:00

If this isn't literally BDSM and "aftercare"....

Platipus6 · 2020-12-08T13:47:48+00:00

I call it "the villain and the hero" and it is so sick and monstrous.

He was basically a quick change artist. He'd do something fucked up, I'd leave to cry, he'd waltz in a minute later all concerned and comforting, with nothing but murmured excuses, gaslighting and justifications.

NEVER let your abuser comfort you.

Make them text or email a full apology where they admit what they did, or tell them to get the fuck out.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2020-12-08T15:29:00+00:00

First they hurt you then they use it to bond your trust and loyalty to them. Sounds a lot like a BDSM scenario.

princessofthekingdom · 2020-12-08T15:47:13+00:00

So true. My best year with my ex (we were together for almost six years, until I found FDS and dumped his ass) came right after he slept with another chick and got all close to her (we were trying out poly) and handled it in a way that left me emotionally scarred for life. Like at some point I almost found myself grteful for that traumatic experience, because it somehow led us to a very 'peaceful', 'loving' year. 🤮🤮

I also see it in my best friends' abusive relationship as well. She's openly admitted to me that he's r__ed her several times, but that somehow they're in a very good place right now.

Trauma bonding is a real thing and this tweet is word for word accurate.

Georgerobertfrancis · 2020-12-08T17:49:33+00:00

Abusive men will often do this not only as a tactic to keep you, but sometimes as a tactic to “shut you up” or diffuse the situation for their own comfort and gain. They may not even be looking to create a bond, but the pattern of abuse and then “appeasing” you, over and over, can and will lead to a strong trauma bond and addiction for the abused party. It’s selfish behavior designed to protect the comfort of the abuser at all times, and a glaring red flag for lack of empathy, even if the abuser demonstrates performative empathy outwardly.

Run.

Vrijesak · 2020-12-08T14:08:13+00:00

No need to pay attention looking for patterns because for a pattern that would mean repeated occurrences. A mere possibility of a potentially abusive behavior should be taken as a early warning signal while an actual (first) manifestation of it must result in a termination of the relationship. Effective immediately.

Fitncurly · 2020-12-08T19:17:00+00:00

So...pretty much all BDSM. No wonder these “kinks” are being pushed...

missisabelarcher · 2020-12-08T21:56:31+00:00

Don't wait for a pattern to show up. As someone who suffered emotional and mental abuse in an intimate relationship, please take it from me: define your boundaries, and if they are ever violated (or you ever feel scared, dehumanized or devalued), LEAVE.

I know it can be easier said than done when your life is intertwined with someone (it was for me.) So if you're just dating someone (and don't share children or assets), just leave. If you're married or partnered with someone, get a lawyer and support system and make a plan to extricate yourself. But get out.

Trauma bonds create powerful neurological patterns in the brain that are extremely hard to break. If something is unacceptable to you, you MUST have zero tolerance. Doesn't matter if someone seems remorseful or they're "working on themselves"...that's not your job to help or stand by their side. Just leave.

whokilledhydra · 2020-12-08T18:11:29+00:00

Abuser ex has directly said it to my face, that he enjoyed comforting me from the hurt he had caused (that he did not mean), and then wondered aloud, "does that make me a sociopath?"

I was too blinded to realize he was outing himself and I should have heeded.

atuan · 2020-12-08T15:16:11+00:00

When I first heard the phrase I did think it was about people bonding over shared traumas. And I think that can be good and bad: I think people after divorce will bond over hating their exes and I do think that can turn into a codependent nightmare of people needing to validate their hate and anger for the relationship to thrive. Abusers do that to not have to face the guilt over what they've done and work on themselves and instead find someone that validates that they were "right" to abuse.

MargotteL · 2020-12-08T17:29:58+00:00

This makes me shudder...

mini_baguette · 2020-12-09T05:54:21+00:00

Remember that ghosting and coming back (or even any texting 'game' that runs hot and cold) is also a manipulation tactic for trauma bonding!

Block and delete, ladies! They calculate every move.

mermaid1120 · 2020-12-08T14:59:32+00:00

Sadly a type of relationship I’ve had with a close friend for 3 years...

LunaAmory · 2020-12-08T21:08:10+00:00

Sounds like BDSM in a nutshell 😐

guccitechno · 2020-12-08T21:34:53+00:00

I used to have this problem. When you have self esteem and self confidence this doesn’t work.

oscine23 · 2020-12-09T01:08:00+00:00

I dated a narc who used to do this..Took me a while to notice cuz I'd never met a marc..Insidious shit.

burgundybluze · 2020-12-08T17:52:14+00:00

oh my god. this is giving me ptsd. this is EXACTLY what i went through! it’s like a weird stockholm syndrome phenomenon. wow, i cant believe there is a term for it

throwaway1zal184r · 2020-12-09T06:07:04+00:00

This is so true! How do I get the courage to leave.

His latest thing, making fun of me via jokes

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Title	Pay attention to men with abusive patterns of behaviour, they may just be intentionality trying to to induce a Stockholm Syndrome response in their target.
Author	CorruptSoulGem
Upvotes	2263
Comments	75
Date	December 8, 2020 12:13 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k935cg/pay_attention_to_men_with_abusive_patterns_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/pay-attention-to-men-with-abusive-patterns-of.736203 https://theredarchive.com/post/736203

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