Dressing for myself.

Poor_Olive_Snook · 2026-01-11T15:40:29+00:00

There was an art exhibit a few years back that featured photographs of the outfits worn by women when they were sexually harassed or assaulted. Most of the clothes were conservative. Sweats, jeans and tshirts, BABIES ONESIES.

It doesn't matter what we wear.

Flightlessbirbz · 2026-01-11T15:10:45+00:00

The equivalent would be a man taking his shirt off to do yard work, his wife doesn’t like that the neighbors have “visual access” to her husband’s body, and the husband simply states that he took his shirt off because he was too hot and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the neighbors. I don’t know about you, but I’d be on his side in this argument.

Coastkiz · 2026-01-11T16:09:13+00:00

It doesn't matter how we dress, we'll still be treated poorly if that's what someone wants to do. So I dress for myself. 90% of the time I wear something I feel comfortable wearing. And sometimes I feel cute and I want to feel cute so I dress accordingly.

kmb218 · 2026-01-11T15:38:29+00:00

Personally, I do not have an issue with a partner speding money on other people (birthday gifts, inviting his friends for a drink, baking a cake that costs money and sharing it etc). I also do not have any issue with someone having “visual access” to him (seeing him??). He is free to go swimming, to a sauna, go to the doctor or whatever, it doesn’t bother me. I search for the same attitude in a potential partner.

I have a question, if you are bothered by other men having “visual access” to your partners body, does that mean that they can never go swimming? Or what if it’s 35 degrees outside? Should they sweat in long jeans and a full coverage top while they are on the beach for example?

indalo21 · 2026-01-11T17:35:05+00:00

Because this is opening the gate to never ending controlling behaviours as being covered doesn’t protect you from that gaze. Men find litteraly everything appealing about women.Where does it stop ?

Also, the more women cover up, the more men get aroused by the littlest things.

In some very traditional muslim countries, women aldready cover up from head to toe. But now there are discussions about how women should not laugh in public because a woman laughter is arousing. Better to just trust the woman that she will not cheat because she has good morals.

And make peace with the fact that other men will find her hot. Otherwise it becomes a never ending thing where being a woman is in and of itself the poblem, and the only way to cut men from looking at them and wanting them is locking them away.

Edit: typos

kalashhhhhhhh · 2026-01-11T15:49:23+00:00

Some men like it when their girlfriend looks hot (obbiously not naked) and they are the only ones who get to touch her and sleep with her.

Source: my bf

fiftypoundpuppy · 2026-01-11T15:10:22+00:00

I don't live in a third world hellhole so I couldn't care less about some weirdo's thoughts about men having "visual access" to "his property"

I don't understand why these men (e.g. you, OP) can't just pair up with women who want to treat their bodies as property of their partner. Who or what is stopping them?

Women in general aren't required to care about men's possessiveness. If I meet a guy, he's going to see how I dress. If he's fine with that, he can kick rocks trying to whine about how much it bothers him later. I don't have a "single" and "relationship" wardrobe FFS

Asking someone to "cover up" is stupid because unless this is new behavior in the relationship, having a relationship with someone is implicit acceptance of how they dress

NiaMiaBia · 2026-01-11T16:08:12+00:00

“i think very few men think you are actively fishing for other men's gaze or comments or approach. in fact many women make it very clear they dislike that.”

—> I think most men have opinions on how women should dress. How women dress is baked in to a lot of religions, there are dress codes, and countless videos of men saying “we don’t like when females wear this or that” 😐

“the issue is the gaze itself will happen regardless of your intent. its not that the man thinks you ll cheat. its that others are getting visual access to what a man considers exclusive to the relationship.”

—> “Visual access” is a silly term. Looking at a person is not access; and yes - people will look regardless, nothing you can really do about it.

“its like watching your partner spend money on another woman and then he reassures you that he just likes feeling generous, not that he wants these other women romantically.”

—> I personally love generous men, and it’d be a green flag for me if my guy covers drinks or whatever for the table that includes women.

Potential-Item5629 · 2026-01-11T19:27:42+00:00

This idea of ”exclusive visual access” isn’t as normal as you would like to think OP, but a rather peculiar kink. At least outside of the different religious communities that have strict cultural norms around modesty.

Think of it as requesting that your partner wear a dog collar and a leash for you. Most women probably perceive what you’re asking for somewhat similar to that.

Rather than introducing this kink on to average women and hoping for someone to be open to it, try to find your kink-community. You might have more success finding a compatible partner among those who are already in to dressing modestly and/or controlling partners.

januaryphilosopher · 2026-01-11T15:25:38+00:00

Many women come at it from the perspective of "regardless of what I wear I may be harassed, so I might as well wear something I like". They may also not realise that what we wear (male or female) is primarily influenced by other people's opinions of it. I can count on one hand the people who've ever harassed or hit on me so it's not exactly at the forefront of my mind when I'm dressing myself personally.

Zestyclose_Truth9999 · 2026-01-11T16:38:27+00:00

why is the go to response when asked to cover up "but im dressing for myself, i dont care about other men"

Because that's the truth.

I like dressing well, and yes... some of those outfits make me look and feel hot. The only male perspective I care about is my husband's, and he respects my bodily autonomy.

its that others are getting visual access to what a man considers exclusive to the relationship

To me, the best solution is working on your own self-esteem. If you're dating an attractive woman, at least some other men are going to find your girlfriend/wife sexy — irrespective of what she wears, or how much she covers up.

Random men are always going to have 'visual access' to her. Maybe you'd prefer a women who dresses more conservatively, but even then, you can't control the way other men behave.

belongtomee · 2026-01-11T16:51:47+00:00

Where do you draw the line at “visual access”?

Windmill_flowers · 2026-01-11T16:15:09+00:00

The notion that my significant other has exclusive rights to "visual access" to MY body just seems weird to me.

The same way some women want to control what their bf has visual access to (ie: stop following Instagram models) with HIS eyes.

Controlling what people see reeks of insecurity

p_fulga · 2026-01-11T15:51:00+00:00

I mean.. if you get together with someone who appeals to you in part with dressing that way and then demand they change after, that's just stupid. Why are you dating them? You can find plenty of gals who won't ever dress like that if that's what you prefer.

Disastrous_Agent9307 · 2026-01-11T18:54:26+00:00

O_O You know most of us ladies appreciate when our man is generous to others including women, right? We see it as a green flag about his character being socially attuned, kind, and thoughtful. I think the 1 for 1 you're looking for would be our man going out looking like a snack or revealing those juicy juicy forearms.

And herein is the answer you're seeking: visual access to me is not exclusive to the relationship and any man who thinks so needs to either find a woman who agrees or keep on walking. Commitment to me does not come with whole sale ownership of everything about me and my beauty becoming yours. I'm still a separate entity in a lot of ways including this one.

You understand the perspective already, dude. You just don't like it nor agree with it apparently. So find a woman that shares your values and stop hoping there's some explanation that will suddenly prevail upon us ladies to agree with you or change.

In my world, my man owns what is under the clothing, the intentions of my sexuality, my romance, and a great deal of my beauty is directed at him for his appreciation and eye. But there's still a significant portion of it which remains for me to determine and enjoy and for others to get second hand because I'm not about to cover it all up or dress like a garbage bag jean skirt modesty catalogue.

And if a man doesn't quite get this, I honestly think he should let a woman dictate how he is dressed and looks for at least a month. Cuz I promise, by the end of that month with me, he'll want to own his own beauty too because I'll have his ass in three piece suits he's pressing every single day trimming and beautifying and manicured even if he has to wake up 3 hours early just to make sure he's visually presenting how I'd want him presented. To say nothing of the money he will spend on a new wardrobe for this purpose.

ladybird_00 · 2026-01-11T16:01:03+00:00

I would hope the man I’m dating already liked my style when he chose to get into a relationship with me. However, if I put on an outfit he felt uncomfortable with, it’s no big deal to change.

eichhoernchenlucy · 2026-01-11T18:01:19+00:00

Part of "dressing for myself" is not only to look pretty or sexy but also to be comfortable, and when it is warm outside or while working out, this includes that I would want to wear shorts and tanktops, so that I don't overheat, and when going swimming that I would wear a bikini. Personally I don't dress very revealing when it is cold outside, but I understand the desire to not want to look like a blob by just wearing loose-fitting long everything. It is maybe more of an emotional type of comfort that one would want to look put together with some form-fitting clothes.

I come from a culture where nudity is not considered as big of a deal as for example in the US or some Middle Eastern countries, and where uncovered skin is not considered inherently sexual. There's nude beaches and nude saunas (I have been to the latter both with platonic friends, a romantic partner, and even with some work colleagues). For me, visual access is not a private relationship thing, and seeing someone naked is not necessarily a sexual thing.

I also have my own money and as long as my partner is able to contribute his part to shared expenses we agreed on (e.g. rent if we live together), I don't care what he does with his money. The context is what matters, so for example if he gave a stranger some extra coins for her train ticket, bought a friend a nice birthday gift, gave a homeless woman some money, or bought his colleagues a round of drinks to celebrate the end of a project, that would all be obviously non-flirty behaviour. I wouldn't think that just because he is spending money he is romantically interested in someone, and it is his decision what he wants to do with his disposable income. Similarly, if he considered his body a private thing that he only reveals to romantic partners, I don't mind if he wants to cover up, however my body is my own and so I decide who gets visual access.

KayRay1994 · 2026-01-11T18:20:25+00:00

“Visual access” - a woman’s body’s doesn’t belong to a man. The existence of a body doesn’t give anyone ownership of it and someone looking/gazing is not a front on one’s ‘property’ (you aren’t calling women properly literally, but your statement very much implies it)

Thing is - we underestimate the degree things like choice play. For example, monogamy doesn’t happen cause the man “only has access” to her body. Monogamy happens because both partners agree to exclusivity. That kind of thing

wild_squirrel_ · 2026-01-11T21:41:55+00:00

I just get so exhausted of policing my looks and behavior based on what men will like.

If I’m wearing something “sexy” it’s because I’ve decided to stop giving a fuck that it might affect men.

Human_Associate_4301 · 2026-01-11T19:18:29+00:00

I can’t clarify a full perspective but I’d like to add something to this. And im going to be fully honest.

Part of the reason I end up wanting to dress in more exposing ways is because of comparison and self esteem issues. When it’s hot, I’ll wear as little as possible. I live in the south of the US and it is unbearably hot. I’m not wearing booty shorts and a tank top to look good during the summer. But in general, if it’s not for heat purposes, I’m typically doing it because I feel insecure.

We’re gamers, me and my bf. We see a lot of skimpy skins in video games. We also love anime, superheroes, fantasy stuff, geeky stuff in general. Unfortunately a lot of these things have skimpy ass costumes lol.

That, and in real life, women just wear exposing clothing all the time. Sometimes, I start to feel like, “since he’s getting to see all of these women in these outfits all the time….. I feel like I need to wear that kind of outfit too.”

A cool outfit that’s somewhat exposing is one thing but im talking about very exposing, almost intentionally sexualized outfits.

That being said I also know many many women who do it for fun, for the female gaze, etc. so it’s not a one size fits all by any means. That’s just my experience. I like fairly modest clothing, I’m more of a “tight outfit” person than a “skin showing” outfit if im wanting to feel or look sexy.

My bf thinks that gooner skins are stupid and finds it annoying when women dress certain ways (specifically when they’re intending to look very sexualized in public) but then he doesn’t get why I’d wanna wear those things. It’s not like I’m getting to see a male equivalent everywhere we go, so knowing he constantly gets to see women in that kinda way it just gets to me man. Just being so real

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2026-01-11T23:53:22+00:00

its that others are getting visual access to what a man considers exclusive to the relationship.

Um, what level of "revealing" are we talking about here? Because the bits that are viewed by my partner and my gyno are not usually seen by the public. And anything other than that is stuff everyone shows at the beach. So unless you never go to the beach or you expect your partner to be completely covered up at the beach, you're not getting exclusive visual access.

As for my perspective on this - if you don't want a partner who dresses provocatively, date people who don't dress provocatively. Don't start dating people with the idea that they should change their whole wardrbobe because you suddenly have a problem with it.

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Novadina · 2026-01-11T22:16:11+00:00

Extremely controlling to think you should have exclusive “visual access” to a woman. She should just stay indoors forever? I even saw you say everyone should wear long shirts and pants even swimming in the ocean lol. Most women would probably pass on men this extreme.

I personally want to live my life in clothes I want to wear and not be so uptight, and I would only want a man similar. Clothes can be fun, like maybe I want to look hot when on a date with my man so he will want to have sex later, if he is upset about that instead of enjoying it with me, that is just an unnecessarily hard way to live life for me. I like it when my man wears clothes he looks hot in also. It seems weird to me to want someone to look worse, rather than actually enjoying them looking nice.

ChadChasingBReturns · 2026-01-11T22:31:52+00:00

I would find a new man. That’s crossing a boundary for me. I would never tell my husband to not wear clothes that compliment his body because “it’s mine”.

ohdiddly · 2026-01-12T14:13:23+00:00

Because women are shamed for wanting to appeal to men. We are called whores, sluts or pick me’s; so the natural result is that women cope that they do it for themselves, because that’s a more socially acceptable answer.

Obviously no one deforms their feet in heels and wears makeup in public for themselves, it is because of the excessive pressure placed on women to physically present a certain way.

pie-mart · 2026-01-22T01:06:45+00:00

I could wear a burka outside and a man would still hit on me. I could be fully nun clothes and still be hit on. I have to be trusted that if I go outside and other men flirt with me, which WILL happen, that i have enough love and respect for my partner to shut it down

Keep_calm_or_else · 2026-01-11T19:55:24+00:00

Women need to cover up more, just in general. Partnered women should listen and not have this "I do what I want and you're just insecure if it bothers you!" attitude. That's the attitude of a single person.

Title	Dressing for myself.
Author	AtenRaza
Upvotes	0
Comments	154
Date	January 11, 2026 12:16 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1q9xxmc/dressing_for_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/dressing-for-myself.1570929 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570929

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