Is it actually possible to have a relationship without any power dynamics and head games?

Barneysparky · 2023-12-22T16:45:05+00:00

Secure attachment.

Its the best thing thats ever happened to me. Two people with secure attachment rarely divorce, and if they do its friendly.

TheoreticalResearch · 2023-12-22T16:49:52+00:00

Yes, but also healthy relationships have highs and lows. They require maintenance. People are individuals with their own inner lives and experiences and sometimes we conflict with one another. What makes those relationships “healthy” though are the individuals’ ability to work together to overcome the lows with a combination of communication, honesty, compassion, empathy, maturity, and love.

NakedStreets · 2023-12-22T17:05:43+00:00

It seems like you are equating effort with head games?

Of course people in healthy relationships put in effort.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2023-12-22T21:22:01+00:00

That's how true love works. You are just being yourself. Any "effort" you put in is just out of genuine desire to do it, not some strategy. It should feel totaly natural and effortless aynd you should simply be yourself. That's how it is in true love.

10throwawayantsy · 2023-12-22T16:48:57+00:00

Yeah. A lot of maladjusted individuals circulate this sub, but yes.

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grillopie · 2023-12-22T18:34:18+00:00

Its probably not effortless. But thats a far cry from strategic moves to establish positions of power. Why would those be the only options?

Put effort into the relationship, into yourself, to mold who you are to be closer to what your partner wants or needs. And your partner has to do the same.

AcephalicDude · 2023-12-22T19:22:20+00:00

Yes, it is possible! But it’s also difficult to attain, and this is because the old cliché is absolute true: you need to love yourself before you can truly love others, and the same goes for your partner.

There is obviously a lot of vulnerability and a lot of fear of rejection that comes with dating, which is why a lot of people turn dating into an ego competition. Instead of the goal being to form an intimate connection with somebody you genuinely admire, the goal is warped into maximizing concessions to yourself while minimizing any potential harm from the other person.

My biggest issue with TRP is that it teaches people how to win this game, but it doesn’t teach people that they don’t need to play this game at all.

I will admit that opting-out is easier said than done, but what people miss is that truly being secure in yourself actually lowers the stakes of dating in general. When you are truly self-secure, then finding a partner is no longer crucial for your own self-affirmation. You can just go through your life with an eye out for a suitable partner, and if it happens great – if not, no worries.

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2023-12-22T17:04:25+00:00

Relationships are work. Some are harder than others, but anyone who thinks you should be able to put it on autopilot is delusional

baiser_vole · 2023-12-22T21:10:41+00:00

I think so. But both partners have to actively choose one another, be grateful towards each other and be committed to cherishing each other.

Wattehfok · 2023-12-22T21:11:27+00:00

Well, I think I’ve managed it - so yeah.

Green-Quantity1032 · 2023-12-22T21:33:51+00:00

Ask the same about friendships or every human relations and you have your answer

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-12-22T22:10:49+00:00

There definitely do not need to be head games, but that doesn’t mean “effortless.” Every relationship takes effort, even friendships. Now where it gets tricky is when people say “relationships are work,” they can have very different ideas of what that means. All relationships need maintenance. But if by “work,” they mean a constant struggle and strife, then no, that’s not a healthy relationship.

You should be able to be yourself, but the caveat is you can’t only think of yourself. Humans are naturally pretty selfish, so the little compromises that a relationship takes won’t always come naturally. But you shouldn’t have to compromise on big things that are part of your core values - you should be compatible on those things.

Ylduts · 2023-12-22T22:28:59+00:00

Long term relationships take work and are not easy. Social Media portrays them as rainbows and butterflies. Find someone that compliments you and work as a team. Life is ruff and will suck sometimes, it’s completely normal to experience rough patches, you know you’ve found the right person when they want to work through those rough times as a team.

DarayRaven · 2023-12-22T17:07:22+00:00

If the goal is to have a effortless relationship, then she has to like you more

stats135 · 2023-12-22T16:55:44+00:00

In other words should everything feel effortless and there should be no strategic action taken

Here's a Wikipedia definition: Strategy is a general plan to achieve one or more long-term or overall GOALS under conditions of UNCERTAINTY.

The only scenario where no strategic action needs to be taken is when there are no goals, or there are no uncertainties. Generally the formation of a relationship hinges on there being a goal, otherwise why bother getting a relationship in the first place?

So the only relationship where no strategic action is needed is one without uncertainty. If I am CERTAIN that a woman would have sex with me when I need it, if I am CERTAIN a woman would be a good mother to the resulting children, if I am CERTAIN a woman would always remain faithful, indeed the relationship would be effortless. Alas, I don't think it's achievable with women in 21st century America.

Mydragonurdungeon · 2023-12-22T17:04:26+00:00

No it isn't and any one who claims they are in such a relationship is simply unaware of the dynamics at play

apresonly · 2023-12-22T18:52:37+00:00

yeah. i have lots of these kinds of relationships with other women.

and the only relationships i have with men have this dynamic bc otherwise they are booted. none of my love interests have really progressed in the few years i've been mentally healthy enough to know what these boundaries are and assert them, but if i had to guess i would say i'll have a partnership w a man like this at some point in the future. maybe not though, which is fine bc the priority is to be healthy 🤷‍♀️

tr1xnh0z · 2023-12-22T17:17:46+00:00

Nope..itz all one big pissin contest...we aint built for relationship...chickz built to nest...at our core we want diffrent things...way it iz n always will be

macone235 · 2023-12-23T01:59:44+00:00

No. Power dynamics developed from power laws. It's physically impossible for two people to be in control at the same time.

You can try to make a concerted effort to mitigate power dynamics and balance things out (although they will still exist to some degree) to try and make an equal relationship, but that would require women acting against their own interests, which is just not likely. It could also pose a threat over the long-run.

Safinated · 2023-12-22T17:39:47+00:00

Obviously yes, since most people are normal and boring

AceOfSpadesGymBro3 · 2023-12-22T19:23:03+00:00

No. One partner always has to have the power and it's better for that partner to be the man.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-12-22T16:54:03+00:00

It's possible, I'd say I've had two relationships where it didn't feel like one person was ''trying'' way more than the other. One of them ended for several reasons, one of which being my dogshit mental health which just made me a shit partner at the time but we're still good friends, he was at my wedding with his fiancee. The other one is my current relationship. We met at a time in our lives when we were both perfectly okay with the idea of never finding the ''right'' person, we lived in different cities for the first 8ish months of our relationship, and neither of us felt like we had to pursue the other person, otherwise they'd leave. We pursued each other because we liked each other, and if at some point one of us didn't, it would have sucked, sure but we'd have just moved on. Things ended up working out.

Phantom-H · 2023-12-22T16:56:24+00:00

Having such a relationship would be a dream for me, but I don't think it's possible.

Since I was 12 years old I realized all relationships at my school fell into that dynamic of "let's see who ends up dominating" and mind games and all that stuff .

Over the years that perception of relationships has only gotten worse. It seems only in series and movies is where you can find couples that make you envious. I think all the couples I meet in real life make me appreciate my singleness.

rakiim · 2023-12-22T17:43:10+00:00

Yes but they're rare

SwaySh0t · 2023-12-22T17:44:57+00:00

You can have one with out the other but you cant get rid of both. A perceived power imbalance is needed to create interest or intrigue in the first place let alone it helps builds and maintains attraction. As other have pointed out, if you’re a guy, she needs to like you more than you like her for a shot at a peaceful successful relationship.

boredom4321 · 2023-12-22T17:45:25+00:00

I mean someone is always going to be "pursuing" but that doesn't need to be a bad thing. If it's two well-adjusted individuals without crazy bagged to get in the way that courting is just part of the fun. I quite enjoy courting women for example. Once you've been dating for a while both of you should feel secure with the other if you don't something is off.

Uglypostwall · 2023-12-22T17:51:38+00:00

Of course.It is only possible with guy and younger woman

KayRay1994 · 2023-12-22T17:59:01+00:00

if that’s how you’re defining power dynamics and head games, then no - these are all natural drives. However, if one is actively trying to incite these feelings from their partner, which is normally when natural drives become deliberate power dynamics/head games - then it is 1000% possible to not have them and that’s how relationships should function

ComfortableOk5003 · 2023-12-22T19:51:01+00:00

What do you mean by power dynamics exactly?

Independent-Mail-227 · 2023-12-22T19:58:32+00:00

No. The person that feels like they have more options will aways have a advantage to someone that don't.

Relationship unironically reward the person that put less effort on it.

Eastern-Action1384 · 2023-12-22T22:44:25+00:00

Yes, we call it true love. Where the man and the woman are so much in love that they are willing to share everything from the happy moments to their problems.

Bitter_Sense_5689 · 2023-12-23T00:58:31+00:00

The uncertain back and forth is really only supposed to be a thing at the very beginning. People don’t want to show their cards too early when they aren’t reasonably certain that the person is genuinely into them. But, even then there should be a sort of tit for tat. Nobody should be chasing and the other person just absorbing their attention

SeveralLiterature980 · 2023-12-23T18:37:28+00:00

All social relationships are exchanges. People are always negotiating in one way or another to get their various needs met. It's analogous to but not quite identical with contract formation.

Problems arise in contract formation in the presence of unfair advantage. Pretty much all the defenses to enforcement focus on one type of unfair advantage or another.

Social exchanges involve value trades. The goods up for sale command different prices that are in many cases tied up with the personal branding of the seller.

A lot of what makes for a personal brand is tied up with social privilege. The lightning rod are unearned social privileges. Social privileges accrue to individuals who, through nothing they personally have done nothing to acquire the privilege, simply possess some lucky "genetic" combination of features and presentations.

Some people, in my opinion more authoritarian and naive types, believe this state of affairs is reducable to biology and genetics.

Other people, in my opinion more freethought types and insightful types, believe this state of affairs is mostly brought about via conditioning secondary to a general societal goal.

I'm obviously a little biased in my perception of these two groups.

But as long as these general static power imbalances exist, most human relationships will have these dynamics. And more head games will be present.

The first headgames in relationships proceeded from the biological height and strength advantage men have over women. People are trying to protect themselves and negotiate the best deal for themselves via the association.

So power dynamics are just a fact of life. Whether head games exist, (I assume headgames means to use psychological warfare to gain a bargaining advantage) turns on how the HIGHER POWER party dispenses with that power.

If someone is incompetent with it and can't turn zero sum power games (played by the weaker party) into mutually beneficial ones, they'll suffer. If they're a tyrant they'll also suffer.

justforlulz12345 · 2023-12-23T20:31:31+00:00

No.

Humans are all selfish little shits. The moment you trust someone else and turn your back is the moment they put the knife in. If you want to survive, you have got to make sure you screw over others first or put yourself in a position where they can’t screw you over. (Isolate them and make them dependent on you, or maintain your distance, or sleep with one eye open.)

HamzaAghaEfukt · 2023-12-24T03:42:34+00:00

Yes, with a woman who is 3 points below you in looks and is not very financially independent.

Women do not believe in relationship equality

Title	Is it actually possible to have a relationship without any power dynamics and head games?
Author	StaticNocturne
Upvotes	7
Comments	105
Date	December 22, 2023 4:40 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/18oj34w/is_it_actually_possible_to_have_a_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-it-actually-possible-to-have-a-relationship.1241362 https://theredarchive.com/post/1241362

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