Q4ALL: Would you commit to someone before having sex with them?

PhantomDream09 · 2017-04-25T14:04:00+00:00

I am not religious, and I have only had relationships via this approach. Commitment = exclusive, monogamous LTR in my book. I'm really not sure why it's considered so impossible. Yes dating has changed a lot, and things tend to be more casual and fast, but that doesn't mean you have to try and 'keep up' with destructive trends.

I also don't understand why it takes people 3+ months to enter into a committed relationship. If you are vetting for the things that are most important to your happiness (setting sexual compatibility etc aside) and vetting well, then 3 months should be the absolute upper limit to enter into a committed relationship (for non-religious people). I know that within many religious communities and single adult groups - when you start 'dating' that's essentially a pre-proposal.

future_space_boobs · 2017-04-25T13:49:44+00:00

yes, I always have and I'm not a religious wacko. trust and familiarity are important for good sex for me. plus, building the tension is half the fun.

nemma88 · 2017-04-25T13:51:23+00:00

So this is an area where I'm pretty conservative and judgmental. Yes. it used to be default. Maybe High school for you is just before the 'normal' shifted.

All this 'It's not mono until you have the exclusivity talk' is a pretty new thing. I don't really understand it if your looking for a mono relationship; You can't really tell if sex is going to be an issue in most cases until you've had sex a fair number of times until you get into the Goldilocks zone. If it IS an issue then you are free to end that commitment.

Someone seeing someone else in that time presents to me a lack of seriousness for the dating we have going and is not worthy of my commitment. If your starting a new relationship, going half in with your attention isn't really going to cut it for me.

I'm not a virgin, and I'm anti-theist, I'm fairly liberal and left leaning; this trend though is my 'wtf is the world coming to' bit though.

basebool · 2017-04-25T14:18:53+00:00

I would never have sex with someone unless it was clear that he was exclusive with me. No way am I sleeping with a guy who is simultaneously courting other women.

I am personally saving sex for marriage. But even if I wasn't, I would exclusively only have sex within a monogamous relationship.

I don't want to share, and sex is extremely personal and intimate.

Edit: I was told I would die alone for this.

sunkindonut149 · 2017-04-25T14:31:42+00:00

Yes absolutely. There is no reason to bump uglies with someone you are not in a relationship with. Its unsanitary to me.

Scurvemuch · 2017-04-25T15:10:40+00:00

I can know if someone is worth committing to without sex at all. However, (good) sex is a requirement to maintain that commitment.

buartha · 2017-04-25T16:22:59+00:00

I would definitely have liked to do that, and tried that approach for a long, unsuccessful period of time, but it's not that realistic in the gay community, and apparently it's becoming increasingly more difficult if you're straight as well if you don't pair off young.

The-Prim-Reaper · 2017-04-25T17:40:08+00:00

I only have sex with people I'm in a relationship with. I'm not religious or anything, but I was raised in a relatively conservative household, so this had just always seemed normal to me. I couldn't imagine sleeping with a stranger.

cuittler · 2017-04-25T13:42:00+00:00

No. Even though I liked my SO before we had sex I wouldn't want to commit before testing the waters so to speak. That's like buying a house before you even look inside.

shoup88 · 2017-04-25T13:53:06+00:00

I guess it depends on what you mean by commitment. Would I refrain from seeing other people while I'm casually dating someone? Yes.

But I wouldn't want to form a "relationship" or broadcast that exclusivity without sex first.

[deleted] · 2017-04-25T13:53:47+00:00

I would commit before sex yes. At least I'd get to enjoy the emotional aspects of a relationship.

KitanIV · 2017-04-25T14:52:27+00:00

Yes, but it may be a cultural thing. Things usually develop naturally and organically. From what I'm reading here, for some people commitment sounds akin to a soft-marriage or something. I also expect the other person to be exclusive as well. If those women I'm dating are having sex with other men, I'm out and I expect them to do the same if I was sleeping with other women.

lbspredh · 2017-04-25T13:40:58+00:00

Nope, not gonna lie

MissMaude · 2017-04-25T13:54:10+00:00

I wouldn't and didn't have sex outside an exclusive relationship but I think that was more an effect of the age I was while dating. Most friends I know that have paired off later start out as FWB and move to romantic then exclusive.

despisedlove2 · 2017-04-25T14:17:23+00:00

Yes, I could, theoretically. However, you are missing the more important question - what makes a woman desirable enough to do that?

BeyondTheLight · 2017-04-25T14:18:43+00:00

I probably would if their RMV would be super high. I suppose that it is worth it to wait a bit then.

nagadife · 2017-04-25T15:00:20+00:00

I would not. Sexual chemistry is part of the "assessment" one makes for a potential partner. They said when sex is good it is 10% of a great relationship, if the sex is bad it is 70%

Or something like that...

CaptJohnLukeDiscard · 2017-04-25T15:09:41+00:00

Yes, I would and did. Result: 12 years married, several kids, marriage is good and transforming to great now that I have my head out of my ass.

IamTheWalkingMenu · 2017-04-25T16:46:25+00:00

Not too many worthwhile guys are going to be up for that. They will wait awhile but not a very long while.

trail22 · 2017-04-25T16:08:30+00:00

I would, but honestly it would have to be a pretty kick ass women.

wtknight · 2017-04-25T16:58:45+00:00

I have always committed before sex. I've always felt that sex is something emotional so I don't think I could have it with someone I don't already have an emotional bond with.

darla10 · 2017-04-25T17:27:11+00:00

No.

GroovyEFS · 2017-04-25T18:01:35+00:00

If you just mean saying "she's my girlfriend" yeah I don't mind doing that before banging, depending on the circumstances. I wouldn't wait years or some shit but I don't have to bang before feeling that connection to someone.

LUClEN · 2017-04-25T18:06:51+00:00

I did. Sex was meh. Now stuck between rock and hard place.

EliteSpartanRanger · 2017-04-25T18:14:57+00:00

yes I would, in fact it's probably the best route for me since I'm looking for a LTR and I want to know whether they would commit or not.

DaThrowaway808 · 2017-04-25T18:16:44+00:00

"Sure, commit, be monogamous, sure."

Have sex

"I think we should see other people."

bala-key · 2017-04-25T14:08:27+00:00

If you do, you are playing dead bedroom Russian roulette.

uto-uto · 2017-04-25T13:38:11+00:00

PPD, would you commit to someone before sex?

speaking hypothetically since i'm married... but yeah, i could see that happening. i'd even prefer to only sleep with people i'm in a relationship with, to be honest. it wouldn't be that weird to me if a guy felt the same way; might be refreshing, actually.

Can you really even know if someone is worth committing to before sex?

i think so, assuming they have other qualities that i already like a lot. i mean, it's not like i'm marrying them or binding myself to them for life, and i would think that most problems could be worked through if they came up after the relationship began. and if not, then it might be best for us to part and go our own ways. even though i'd rather wait until i'm in a relationship, compatibility in the bedroom is still very important.

Do I just hang out with slutty men and women?

eh, not necessarily. some people are more comfortable getting intimate during the casual dating stage, and that's okay. i'm just not.

edit: it's possible that i'm seeing "being exclusive" and "being committed" as the same thing, but i'm not sure if that's what OP meant.

BPremium · 2017-04-25T14:04:49+00:00

Yes, but I was told I'd get dumped by every guy if we waited a few months.

Lyanina · 2017-04-25T15:08:48+00:00

If committing is defined as "being in a monogamous relationship with someone": Yes, and I have done so, and I think it's a pretty normal thing to do. It's just monogamy, not marriage or anything.

I made the point that you can't really know if you want to commit to someone - and if they want to commit to you - without having sex first.

If committing is just agreeing on exclusivity and having the "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" titles, this line of thinking is alien to me. I don't really date strangers, so I know if I want to be in a relationship with someone based on how we get along together, the attraction, and the chemistry. If we have fun hanging out, or if we've already established we make good friends and then we end up making out and stuff -- sure, I'd be down to "committing" (what's so hard about it?) before sex. I already know them, after all.

People I know generally meet someone, date them casually for a couple months, and then become exclusive (or don't).

Sure, that's common. Where I live at least in college you're either hooking up/FWB, or you're dating with romantic intent and it's assumed you're not seeing anyone else. Dating non-exclusively doesn't happen much.

scallopkid · 2017-04-25T19:18:12+00:00

It's crazy to me that you can decide someone is worth having sex with but still not be sure if they're worth committing to.

Tyler_Gatsby · 2017-04-25T16:32:36+00:00

Every guy that says yes to this isn't any good in bed- I'd bet on it. Just like how all the, "I want a virgin" guys are selfish lovers, and also suck in bed. "If she marries me first, she's stuck with me, and can't leave me over my interior sex!"

Boobear3 · 2017-04-25T14:47:14+00:00

No way. What if he has erectile issues? Mama needs that sunny D

cloppydogroll · 2017-04-25T14:51:50+00:00

This is so ridiculously outdated, with the advent of online dating, social media, obsession with alcohol and drugs, the most common protocol is just hang out eventually have sex, do that a few more times, wonder what the relationship is and then define it. No one outside of religious folk commit before sex lol. It's casual fun that naturally progresses into ltr if there's potential

midnightvulpine · 2017-04-25T16:29:47+00:00

Would I? Sure. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship to me. If it is, why get married? Most of the time you spend with this person is going to be out of the bed. If you just want sex, why commit?

breakfasttopiates · 2017-04-25T17:15:09+00:00

Of course. Women are better students than men (prob why they love college so much more)

Any man worth his salt isn't worried about a beautiful girl whos "bad in bed" if shes bad in bed it means YOU'RE bad in bed

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GinSmokeLies · 2017-04-25T13:46:38+00:00

I've done it twice. First time was my first relationship and I was a virgin and wasn't ready to have sex yet. We had sex after a couple of weeks of being exclusive.

Second time was with my ex, and that time he was the one who wanted to wait (he had a lot of fears/hangups surrounding sex due to childhood trauma and it took him a while to be ready for it.) I was really into him so I agreed to wait, and it was worth it even though we eventually broke up.

But for the most part I think it's unusual. Most relationships in my social circle (including my own) started the way you described - casual dating/hooking up that eventually led to a relationship.

Eastuss · 2017-04-25T14:05:08+00:00

Only if the SMV and apparent RMV are already compensating for potentially bad sex. If the SMV and RMV are already "meh", I need to know the sex is going to be good before committing.

ManSentHisOwnWay · 2017-04-25T14:13:54+00:00

Honestly, I think I'd be okay with dating exclusively for a while before having sex. So that'd be technically monogamous but I don't know if it really counts as commitment. Tho, I wouldn't call it an actual relationship until we had sex. I'm not going to be someone's boyfriend before we slept together. But I am willing to only see them for a while beforehand.

InformalCriticism · 2017-04-25T14:33:35+00:00

I think I've resolved to never fully commit to anyone.

I think I've communicated it pretty well to my LTR. So, how does one not fully commit in an LTR? Well, you never get married, and you're always willing to walk away that day, that second, and shrug if anyone asks you what happened.

It's the only way to avoid the amount of risk involved with "commitment", by my estimation. I have never had a more successful relationship than this one, and I gather the same is true for my gf, as well.

BPremium · 2017-04-25T14:39:47+00:00

If she is hot, and has had the same requirements for every guy, I would. Im happy to be the first to invest, as long as Im investing in a quailty woman/relationship that kept the bar high for every partner. The issues come about when the bar is raised for me, but lowered for previous partners.

locriology · 2017-04-25T15:16:59+00:00

Never. I need to know that I'm not wasting my time before committing. It's a part of a relationship I'm unwilling to compromise on, so any wishy-washy-ness on this one will have me checking out in a hurry.

Wanna wait 5 or so dates before getting it on? No problem.

Wanna wait arbitrary x number of months of being together before doing it? Find someone else, I don't have time for games.

prodigy2throw · 2017-04-25T15:24:21+00:00

Why would I want to be on a relationship with someone who isn't sexually attracted to me?

phantasic79 · 2017-04-25T15:28:59+00:00

Yes. If she was my unicorn. Super hot, super rich and nice chick I'd marry her today. She doesn't even have to touch my weiner.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-04-25T16:36:02+00:00

I would need to be in a relationship with the person, but it needn't be monogamous.

SetConsumes · 2017-04-25T16:45:23+00:00

Maybe if they're a unicorn and I wanted an LTR. Otherwise, no.

SpaceWhiskey · 2017-04-25T17:03:55+00:00

I think it depends on the person. I committed myself to my fiancé a year before we had PIV sex (due to medical problems, not anything religious) though we did do other sex acts. Most importantly though we were very open about sex stuff and knew we were compatible, which I think is the big issue. If people don't talk about sex at all and just assume everything will go well later, you're probably going to run into problems. Really though I think it depends on the individuals involved.

ur_tears_r_tasty · 2017-04-25T17:28:58+00:00

I prefer to commit first. I'm also Catholic, so take that as you will. Even when I was nonreligious, that was my MO as well, however.

DrDenisovich · 2017-04-25T18:11:59+00:00

I have taken different kind of approaches, and what worked best for me was to be flexible and understanding towards the needs and wants of the other person. I don't have a particularly hard set of rules for how things should go down, personally. When I meet a new woman I get a good sense of what I want and expect from that person. Gauging my attraction towards different women has also been pretty simple. However, I definitely subscribe to: "You have to be at least this hot for me to consider dating you seriously".

Gorgatron1968 · 2017-04-25T20:10:39+00:00

Always, Otherwise 100x ewww Think about it I am not dragging my dong or my face where some other dude might have been hours before. You do it one at a time , I a serial type monogamy.

exit_sandman · 2017-04-25T21:27:04+00:00

Well, technically I have to since I am not too keen on committing to women who are prone to having casual sex.

The downside is that I need a good exit strategy if the sex turns out to be really lackluster.

SeemedGood · 2017-04-25T22:40:41+00:00

Absolutely. Good sexual intimacy is something that two loving people can build together, and is better when they do than when there is no intimate attachment prior.

Our culture has eschewed this principle, however, as a consequence of a general lack of spiritual awareness. It was my experience that women don't value men who follow that principle. They see abstaining from sex as a weakness in men. And before the women pipe in with protestation, please understand that we are learning to pay more attention to what you do than what you say because there is often a significant gulf betwixt the two where matters of intersexual relations are concerned.

mistresswhat · 2017-04-26T00:13:25+00:00

I wouldn't. Sex is very important to me and I need to check compatibility before I get attached. I can put myself through a fair amount of mental anguish and sexual dissatisfaction, or I can just have sex early on and avoid the problem.

Hairbrainer · 2017-04-26T02:14:37+00:00

As a man, definitely. I did it when I was saving myself for the right woman, and I'd do it now as someone who's had sex. If it's a woman who I felt a real genuine connection with and could see a future with her, then no doubt in my mind would I commit even before sex.

LeaderOfGamergate · 2017-04-26T04:46:13+00:00

I would, yes. I think "sexual compatibility" is overstated by hedonists and degenerates who think life is all about sex and discount the importance of compatible outlook, views, personality and family.

AdamtheFirstSinner · 2017-04-26T05:59:06+00:00

no, definitely not

IIHotelYorba · 2017-04-26T10:31:15+00:00

I wouldn't. But I also wouldn't completely dismiss the idea for everyone, as you have arraigned marriages where people basically commit without even talking to each other.

To me sex is so basic in 2017 I wouldn't consider a relationship romantic in the least before sex. I think most girls don't either.

DemonReachWarden · 2017-04-26T14:21:42+00:00

No. This is stupid and dangerous.

mwarg · 2017-04-26T18:11:02+00:00

This post really got me thinking about monogamy as a compromise in sexual strategy. Thanks for sharing.

I would commit before sex but only with a partner who is dedicated to monogamous dating rather than the hypergamous promiscuity which dominates our dating culture.

Pope_Lucious · 2017-04-27T04:06:13+00:00

slavicgypsygirl · 2017-04-30T16:49:09+00:00

No.

I don't believe in monogamy & only date.

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[deleted] · 2017-04-25T13:32:39+00:00

Never, ever. I'd date them for a few months, but until sex has happened there's gonna be no commitment.

Title	Q4ALL: Would you commit to someone before having sex with them?
Author	LSTW1234
Upvotes	8
Comments	241
Date	April 25, 2017 1:28 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/67gj6b/q4all_would_you_commit_to_someone_before_having/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-would-you-commit-to-someone-before-having.268624 https://theredarchive.com/post/268624

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