The Question of Preference

Siukslinis_acc · 2021-11-19T06:30:43+00:00

It's not a "preference" but more of a "requirement" - being able to live without fish in the house (as pets they could be tolerated as long as they stay in the water and one washed the hands after toutching them). Reason - severe fish allergy (I even get an allergic reaction from being exposed to the smell for a time). People are understanding about this as it poses a danger to my life.

chalkandapples · 2021-11-19T08:59:59+00:00

I guess mine is I don't date anyone that likes casual sex, and I don't have sex until full commitment. No one has ever given me a hard time on it. I have never experienced any pushback or negative reaction when rejecting someone, they all responded either with silence or a well mannered response. I've only seen really angry men online.

Philip8000 · 2021-11-19T08:40:10+00:00

It would have to be someone who understood about me being on the autism spectrum. That it isn't something I can change, that it isn't: "Just practice, give yourself lots of positive self-talk, and you'll transform into a neurotypical." And you do need to tell me what you need, because I'm unlikely to pick up non-verbal cues.

januaryphilosopher · 2021-11-19T08:42:22+00:00

Probably that I prefer shorter men (a genuine preference as I'm not going to disqualify someone for being tall but I gravitate away from it). It's something that people in my life are aware of through revealed preference, I didn't explicitly say anything about it. I've noticed that people, especially men, tend to make negative comments about it, which I think is because it goes against their preconceptions of what's desirable or what's "right" in a straight relationship (man bigger, stronger and more dominant).

LittyKitsune · 2021-11-19T12:46:57+00:00

I prefer men who are virgins like me. Obviously, guys who qualify tend to take that very well. Guys who aren't (at least on this sub) will either try to brosplain how "men and women are different" and act like I shouldn't have that preference, or consider me a weirdo right along with men who have that preference.

Itsknowntohappen · 2021-11-19T13:34:23+00:00

This question is kinda weird because I don’t even give guys a chance who don’t meet my preferences so they never have the ability to respond because nothing ever gets started haha

Potato-Swing · 2021-11-19T09:29:15+00:00

My most important preference is intelligence and an strong interest for knowledge in general. That's what match my own goals in life.

I like bookworms, labrats, a 30 + guy writing a thesis on a obscure and very advanced subject I never heard about. I couldn't care less about a fit body, a full wallet or a special effort on style. All of this is nothing but superficial to me.

I have never said anyone that I don't find him interesting enough. I'm not into hurting people feelings. But it's true that pretty handsome of confident men expect success, and don't understand (or even imagine) that a girl could expect something else that they have to offer.

Pilling_it · 2021-11-19T08:35:54+00:00

I don't think it's unusual, but mostly someone that isn't over someone else/can't stop making comparisons with a previous partner. You get the bingo if there's several and they apparently were all assholes. Because that's how you'll be remembered.

I'm like, why are you even dating at all then ?

CimZim · 2021-11-19T10:54:03+00:00

I really don't like men over 6' tall, but thankfully all the men I've turned down for this reason were okay with it. Confused as heck, but never upset.

Now, my other 2 are that I'm disgusted by high N men and I have negative desire for a man who makes significantly more than me. Whenever I'd decline the dating offers from these types of men, they'd get slightly pissed, angry, frustrated, or even more persistent. They'd leave me letters at work, call me names, try to completely down play their past, say I "didn't know what I was passing up/losing out on", blah blah blah. One guy who made 3x my income actually tried to leave me an envelope with his phone number, a note saying "there's more of this for you, sweetheart" and a check. A literal check for $1000 lol. I had to reverse search his address to mail it back to him. 😂🤦He came in a few days later pretty pissed off, but I told him I'm just really uncomfortable with dating someone who has so much more financial power.

One customer...a player who people here would consider top 5% of men in looks but was a known player and cheater...actually came to my job 6 days in a row to lean on my counter during his lunch breaks and try to get me to go on "just one coffee date". My manager had to finally threaten to call the cops on him for loitering. It was fucking weird too, because it's like...dude. Everyone knows you have like 6-7 women on speed dial, go bother one of them, Jesus Christ.

wtknight · 2021-11-19T14:13:52+00:00

Mostly I just rejected women because I didn’t think that they had attractive faces. I rejected a woman who I knew was cheating on her boyfriend, too. A couple of women who looked okay who asked me out I just didn’t feel personality chemistry with.

No woman was ever persistent enough to ask why I was rejecting their romantic interest. Being overly persistent like that seems to be more a guy thing.

quiturbitchn · 2021-11-19T15:36:38+00:00

I don't mess around with men who are religious or believe in any sort of higher power. Atheists only. You'd be amazed at how many men took that as an attack on humanity. I would say this escalates past preference and is a dealbreaker.

chubbybutt22 · 2021-11-19T16:12:54+00:00

Preferences are fine. Being an asshole isn’t. Personally, I don’t do Republicans. I consider us fundamentally incompatible.

NarniaFox · 2021-11-19T06:44:24+00:00

I'd never date a much older guy, I'm not into traditionally masculine guys or men who want to have a traditional family.

Combining all of it with being petite, feminine (or even girlish) looking and my tendency to be rather quiet and reserved with people I don't know well, I got approached by a lot of men that would tick one or few of these things.

People usually react rather negatively to being rejected. I've learnt that there's no point in giving them the reason, as they'll try to argue their way out of it and dismiss it. Like you're saying "you're too old for me" and their response is "you just don't know how well I can treat you/all women want to date older men/I can take care of you/I'm more experienced than these boys" etc. Or you say that you clearly have different ideas about family life and get "you just don't know what you're losing/you just don't know what you want" kind of stuff.

Thankfully few men reacted borderline physically, but I got stalked once and threatened to get kidnapped, a guy tried to kiss me using force, a few men got my number from other people and tried to keep pushing with their flirting. A guy started spreading rumors about me being a lesbian after I refused going out with him. Oh, I also was called a very rude version of "gay guy" when I said that I wouldn't date a homophobe.

WilliamWyattD · 2021-11-19T09:21:03+00:00

Well let's get one thing straight: people are not without any agency as to what they find attractive, even if such agency can often be quite constrained. In this vein, the more you vocalize and justify a preference as something that is your right or that is good, the stronger it becomes. The more constraints you have on choosing a partner, the harder it is to find someone who will make you happy. So it's better to act more intuitively on your preferences than breathe more life into them by making them explicit rules.

Mark_Freed · 2021-11-19T09:53:14+00:00

I have detailed my preferences here - https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/qqyv0s/comment/hk3ijip/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

and

https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/pkujqb/comment/hcapdej/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

My most unusual preference would be - I want a girl who wants to cosplay, I have some specific sexual fantasies that I am not sure others would share and I don't think I will enjoy it if she is just humoring me and adjusting for me.

So usually people tell me

"you are too picky"

"you will die alone"

"you must be giga chad"

I mean I try to make it clear that preferences are a direction and not really a threshold for me. I like thin girls but if no thin girl like me then I will end up selecting a not so fat girl. I need to balance many different preferences and I am willing to compromise on almost all my "preferences" they are not "dealbreakers".

Somehow the act of making your preferences explicit, writing it down sends this image of being a rigid person who is unwilling to compromise.

It also hurts people to feel settled for. I think this whole discussion about preferences is hard because of the emotional issues surrounding being direct about your desires.

Making these things explicit ruins the chance for flirting, romance and sexual tension. The uncertainty of what you want, how much you want it can help fuel desire and mysteriousness can help the relationship. Even if you try your best to make your intentions clear, just the fact a list exists means that you will send the signal that you are rigid, you are comparing her to others or some objective standard and that can make her feel inadequate, not special and believe that there is no love since love is typically seen as irrational, passionate, unconditional and unreasonable. The more you make your expectations more explicit, it becomes more likely that you end up being disappointed with the eventual future.

Confirmation bias and the now skewed expectations can also put pressure on people to conform, we are forcing implicit expectations and beliefs to take concrete form prematurely way before you have all the necessary contextual clues to decide. To most of these preferences the honest answer is I don't know, because it depends on factors that I am unaware of right now. How much affection we share, how much stress gives us, how I change with time. All of these things influence our "true" preferences We can answer as to how we feel right now but the future is largely a mystery. We are relying a lot on having accurate models of predicting our we would feel under counterfactual situations.

Always remember people change drastically over the years, all this list helps is for you to understand what that person is right now, not to plan for these situations in the future. The bridge has to be crossed when you reach it. None of these answer have to be anything close to binding! extenuating circumstances always apply. So you might feel right now you want a partner who does not want kids, or someone who works and earns money. But who really knows...

Anyway don't overdo the list of preferences and make your partner think that you see marriage as something transactional. If you can, remove items from it. If you need a list to remember it, do you really want to know? Each conflict now makes it harder for you both to love each other. You are fighting over problems that may never arise, precipitating disagreements, most people need that illusion of comfort to go forward. How many couples can go for a lifelong commitment with optimism after realizing just how different they both are.

WheelIntelligent1354 · 2021-11-19T10:16:45+00:00

I've had men threaten me with death because they were too tall and I don't deal with guys above like 5'7

Damn a 5'10 brotha gets shafted ones again. /s

gofigure62 · 2021-11-19T15:56:27+00:00

A preference is something that you'd rather have instead.

A requirement is something that you need or else you won't have it at all.

I've rejected men for a lack of self sufficiency, lack of respect for other people, lack of personality, lack of open mindedness, differences in beliefs, etc.

I require men to be my own definition of a wellrounded person. Most of them do react with hostility or throwing a tantrum of some sort.

Very few men can handle rejection with grace or dignity. Which is why most women just ghost. It isn't worth the potential harm.

LeaveThisPlanet · 2021-11-19T06:30:39+00:00

The issue is that the worst a woman can do if you reject her, is whine about it and moan and be a bit bitchy maybe for a while. Eventually, after a bit, she'll stop.

With men, they ALWAYS turn to violence. Their egos are so tiny and fragile, they can't possibly accept that a woman will reject THEM specifically, cause "iM eNtItLeD tO sEx!!1!!11" and instead of graciously moving on, like normal human beings, they are turning violent, either verbally or even physically a lot of times.

Men have always been weak and inferior, that's not news to anyone, they're inferior by nature. 😉

throwawaypopcorn22 · 2021-11-19T06:51:26+00:00

I won't date a girl who's been with a taller guy like if he's 6' and up. Not out of insecurity but every single time I've dated a girl and she's dated a taller guy she its always some height comparison or they bring it up for no reason. Like I was just chilling and writing and she goes up and says " I wish you were 6' like my ex".

Also im probably gonna get shade for this but, I don't like woman who are super super feminine. Guess I never gotten over my liking tomgirl phase🤷‍♂️

dbz19 · 2021-11-19T10:56:47+00:00

My preference is for a virgin woman. I’m not a virgin myself but I’m not comfortable with the idea of my wife having had sex with other men before me. Yeah it’s a double standard because I’ve had sex, but I’ve made peace with that, and I’d rather hold on to my preference while admitting I have a double standard. I don’t think having a double standard is the worst thing in the world, and I think people have been rejected for more unfair things.

Naturally this preference of mine elicits a negative reaction usually when I mention it online but I’d never mention it in person probably.

xQueen-Bx · 2021-11-19T11:43:50+00:00

how would anyone know, are you all running around honestly telling people you reject these things?

AutoModerator · 2021-11-19T06:13:28+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Transmigratory · 2021-11-19T10:32:02+00:00

You're basically talking about sexual preferences. You can talk about emotional preferences which can come after. But that involves things beyond the sub's understanding.

Univalent6 · 2021-11-19T11:07:22+00:00

Is it unusual to not find your own race attractive? I’ve gotten called racist for it once. That was interesting

mackenzie013_02 · 2021-11-19T14:52:45+00:00

Preference: I only like guys who can run a 10K in sub 60min (and will be able to do so for at least the next 15 years). 😅

A “requirement” is that I won’t have any dairy, eggs (or anything containing dairy,eggs) in my house.

I’ve had guys react poorly when rejected for other reasons.

TodTheRod01 · 2021-11-19T16:25:43+00:00

If someone quantified it as tall...it would make more sense...no one is walking around with measuring tapes, verifying if guys are 6ft+ The other part of that is women will say oh just taller than me...i'm 5'3...turn around 10mins later and say you gotta be 5'10 or 6ft....

AND the fact that its acceptable for women to state preferences, but when men do most try to shame them for it

globeaute · 2021-11-19T21:28:32+00:00

One “unusual” (?) preference is for a guy who comes from a stable family and has both parents in the home. I never tell them this though, so I haven’t had any reactions.

Zerofication · 2021-11-19T22:10:36+00:00

If most of x favor y, then it's not just a personal preference, it's biological. For example, most women favor tall men over short ones, and most men favor young women over older ones. The same can be said for races; whites are preferred over blacks worldwide and it's not just a personal preference.

SleepingBoomer · 2021-11-19T22:54:09+00:00

I don't have any preferences that immediately "disqualify" Women. I am a bit picky though; but the way I always looked at it was; "What if you meet a super tall chick that you're really into?" or "if you prefer White/Black/Arab/Asian; but then meet a great girl of some other race that you're generally not attracted too?".

I like to keep an open mind; but still be picky. Works better and creates a better (larger) net.

Shirts_Pants · 2021-11-20T03:13:55+00:00

I hear the "men over 6 feet only" constantly it's basically a timeless meme. "Girls under 120lbs" literally not once, such that people need to entertain this standard as kind of a counterpart to the first one for purposes of discussion. And no 'girls under 120lbs only' is nowhere comparable to 'no fat chicks'.

VastlyVainVanity · 2021-11-20T04:19:08+00:00

The weird thing to me is that some people feel attacked by someone they are not interested in stating a preference that excludes them.

I've experienced this a lot here on Reddit when talking about how the past of a woman matters to me, and I wouldn't want to date a woman who has had things like ONSs, multiple FWBs etc. Some even try to convince me that I should stop caring about it, lol.

I don't know, I guess people don't like knowing they'd be instantly rejected by someone, even if that someone is a rando on Reddit they'll never meet IRL. Personally, if I see a woman saying they wouldn't date a Brazilian or a guy who isn't over 6 feet, I wouldn't really feel attacked. Maybe I'd find it ridiculous, but I wouldn't see a reason to "fight" it.

As weird as a preference may be, I think people are entitled to have it.

DerekMorganBAU · 2021-11-20T12:36:15+00:00

I’d prefer a bitch with a fat ass and nice lips but I’ve dated and fucked bitches with no ass (but at least she had big tits) and one of my exes was slim with no tits or ass and that was the furthest thing from any of my preferences but she was pretty so I still went for it.

Losvadanya · 2021-11-22T06:33:26+00:00

Preference is

"I want someone with abs But if the guy is a bit chubby and I like him I don't mind if he has abs or not"

Requirement is

"I don't want my partner to be an overweight Slob who dosen't try to improve"

Preferences are Flexible Requirements are not

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-11-19T12:58:01+00:00

The only time I've really been truly honest in terms of rejecting somebody for a preference that I have, one of my things is that I don't date feminist, I always say on here on a scale from 1 to 10 if your feminism level is like above a 3 there's no way in hell I'm getting into a serious relationship with you.

A few years ago there was this one but I did mess around with, sex was good and fairly aggressive, but I stopped it from going any further, and when she asked why I thought I told her the truth so I just kind of mentioned that personality wise we don't mesh and that I'm not really into the whole feminism thing, etc

And I got this whole spiel about how I "used her" and innuendo about being a "misogynist and how I couldn't handle a strong woman" etc., I just told her good luck in her future endeavors and moved on,

purplish_possum · 2021-11-19T07:46:57+00:00

What is your most important buy unusual "preference"

Her butt needs to be really big and round (at least 50 inches -- 60 inches would be even better).

Title	The Question of Preference
Author	Miserable_Yam4778
Upvotes	9
Comments	119
Date	November 19, 2021 6:13 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/qx9wrl/the_question_of_preference/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/the-question-of-preference.1083325 https://theredarchive.com/post/1083325

Comments