Why do so many men have a victim mentality when it comes to romance and dating?

champion_azure · 2026-04-25T11:06:54+00:00

I don’t blame women. I only object to being assigned a ‘bad personality’ by strangers, it is such a convenient explanation for what they cannot be bothered to understand.

brassbuffalo · 2026-04-25T10:24:10+00:00

Why don't you follow your own advice? You say "attend more social events, approach more women, develop more hobbies". Why aren't you doing what you recommend? If it is as easy as you make it seem you would not be posting about giving up on being loved in r /sad. Even more confusing, why are you telling men to approach women here while making posts questioning why men approach women on r /2xchromosomes?

To answer your question, there are 2 reasons relevant to you. Number 1 is that venting never sounds neutral. Number 2 is that most men don't see themselves as unlovable losers like you see yourself.

Edit: spelling

krackedy · 2026-04-25T10:41:01+00:00

Growing up it seems like dating and relationships are something that just naturally happens to everyone.

It's a tough pill to swallow that it takes effort and isn't a guarantee.

Training-Cook3507 · 2026-04-25T10:42:09+00:00

Because dating is very hard for them. That's why.

Gold_Sheepherder6569 · 2026-04-25T14:58:28+00:00

A few days ago you put up a post about not being able to get a woman so I have to ask a question. If dating is so easy and it is just a matter of socialization, learning hobbies and approaching more women, why didn’t it work for you?

Big-Sir7034 · 2026-04-25T10:54:52+00:00

Tbh mate, you’ve probably struck it on the head right there with your language.

“Unselected” like it’s a job interview with a unilateral decision instead of a mutual partnership.

Lot of guys want to be desired as much as they desire women. They see the feminist push for parity and think that it’s hypocritical to try and change patriarchal attitudes where it hinders women, but not where it gives them a privilege.

In the same way that women COULD have a career if they just tried 10x harder than men, a man could get become desired if they try 10x harder than women. Obvs, the caveat is that jobs are essential, dating is not. And another caveat is that finding a compatible person is still difficult for women. It’s just that getting the date is easy.

What they don’t realise is that it’s nobody’s responsibility to counter patriarchal values when it comes to non-essentials like dating. If they want to stop it, they have to stop thinking about women so much, stop making them the centre of their lives and just do things that actually make them happy. Focus on a career, your family and friends, people who already care about you in your life, hire a sex worker, fuck a guy. Men should not need a woman in their life to function independently.

Regardless of how ineffective their current moaning is, you can and should still complain about double standards where they exist. Especially patriarchal ones. Don’t blame women for creating them. But on a case by case basis, I think it’s probably healthy to call individuals out for upholding those norms, especially when they advocate for feminism or any other progressive kind of ideology.

Cool-Cardiologist544 · 2026-04-25T10:56:49+00:00

Cause it's been hard for them and it's never been easy.

From the ages of 11 or 12 up until whenever they happen to login to a site like this, they've met innumerable setbacks.

Also, I thought we couldn't make same-gender-as-questioned threads.

Gemini_zyx · 2026-04-25T12:10:25+00:00

The "just attend events." Is a classic argument that really doesnt understand loneliness or difficulties. It trivials struggle as something really basic. Its like telling people struggling with weight loss "just eat less," as if that somehow is magic advise they never thought off and other factors that make taking such advice difficult for people just dont exist.

gtbreddit1 · 2026-04-25T15:21:10+00:00

Same reason most "victims" nowadays are not actually victims at all and just have a victim complex. They have not yet realized that you don't have to be a victim in order to feel anger about your circumstance or to hate others. You can actually just feel those feelings without ever being victimized.

GoldOk2991 · 2026-04-25T10:48:53+00:00

Because victim mentality works for women so men want in on that shit.

abaxeron · 2026-04-25T13:19:11+00:00

Why do so many men have a victim mentality when it comes to romance and dating?

Cuz we got victimized through betrayal by people who said they loved us, simple, next?

I don't blame women for not desiring me.

Same here; I blame two specific women who cheated on me. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

get bitter and withdraw and I don't understand why

Because I'd rather have it never happen to me again, obviously, simple.

FuuraKafu · 2026-04-25T10:44:27+00:00

For me, it's:

Lack of empathy and understanding from women is shitty and has nothing to do with my personal romantic life.
I have the belief that heterosexuality is about suffering in contrast and seeking resolution for it. We are all victims of Aphrodite, if you will.
If the alternative to conservatism is "we are all equal gender roles are bullshit so stop with the sexism", then women getting several hundred times more matches and a significantly easier time getting dates and especially casual sex should be examinable, rather then being a hated topic and pushed under the rug. And that is still largely where we are culturally.

Jetpine9 · 2026-04-25T16:17:38+00:00

Because I've seen how easy dating is for my sisters and female friends. Are some women unable to get the hang of it? For sure. It just isn't intuitive for them for some reason. But for some women that I know, it's just about like falling off a log.

And because life is very short. Relationships are some of the most fulfilling experiences in life. And I'm not even talking about the "mystical soul mates" kind, just the normal kind if you find someone remotely on the same page as you (harder than it sounds). I wouldn't say I'm resentful at women for it though, exceptions being when women they go on wildly sexist rants, or when they expect to make little to no effort but criticize men for not doing all the metaphorical heavy lifting for them.

You cannot be resentful or upset if you aren't socializing constantly and meeting new women.

True, but blaming men for not being charming extreme extroverts is a little fucked up. That same onus absolutely is not placed upon women.

TopShelfSnipes · 2026-04-25T13:44:48+00:00

Because men are not taught how to be men when they are boys.

They are alternatingly mollycoddled by some mothers, and there is a dearth of positive male role models especially in a world where so many children are born to single mothers, which becomes a vicious cycle.

Part of becoming a man is taking agency over your life, not caring what others think, and ultimately pursuing and obtaining what you want, and putting in the work necessary to get it where you fall short. To learn from mistakes.

The men constantly with the victim mentality don't accept agency. They blame others for their shortfalls, never own their outcomes, and never commit to improving. They may say they "try" to improve, but they don't learn from mistakes, they are quick to internalize failure, and ultimately shut down to protect psychological safety vs. remaining in the arena and risking failure.

Culture has also subtly reinforced harmful norms around this. Boys don't play sports as much anymore - sports teaches this resilience, as well as social skills and being a supportive teammate. Boys instead turn towards video games. And where video games once had "Game Over" and you had to start back at the beginning if you ran out of lives, modern games have infinite lives, an infinite series of respawns, and "guides" up the wazoo to get "better" which are really masking self-improvement behind mimicry of someone else's tactic. Kids raging at games is normalized, which would never fly in sports or even social in-person gaming a few decades back, and in multiplayer, the presence of "noobs" can lead even the most mediocre player to a false sense of superiority.

Now apply all of this to the real world, and it doesn't fly. You can't rage at your coworkers or classmates when a group project bombs, or it's unprofessional. You can't fake an entire personality for months or years on end, or the rest of your life, to "get" a woman. And you can't sit around blaming the entire planet for your lack of results.

These men never properly went through adolescence and are still processing things like little boys. Due to a lack of male role models, and then where they'd meet one, they'd instead become argumentative to protect their psychological safety rather than admit failure up to that point because their "effort" - misguided as it is - has become a sunk cost that they refuse to turn back from, damning the future to be just as unfulfilling as his past.

nightcall379 · 2026-04-25T16:41:45+00:00

I don't get it. I'm an unselected man as well but I don't blame women for not desiring me.

The problem isn't with women not desiring men

The problem is that they lie about why they don't desire them

AutoModerator · 2026-04-25T10:11:16+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2026-04-25T16:49:05+00:00

Selection bias. Why are all the men complaining the kinds of men that complain?

caption291 · 2026-04-25T20:28:39+00:00

Do I have a victim mentality when I go "hmm, maybe it's a better idea to get a boat than to try to cross the ocean by swimming across it?"

Because at some point, adults can look at a problem and go "yeah, I don't think I'm the problem" and that doesn't make them incapable of taking accountability. If anything the inability to recognize when you aren't the problem with something ironically requires more actual accountability in the modern world. A lot of people fight incredibly hard for the idea that things are always the fault of the individual(if the individual is a man).

A lot of women do it because it's obviously beneficial to them when men don't complain and do whatever they are told, and a lot of men do it because they are trying to impress women. I'm sure there's also a couple of mentally ill people who genuinely think they are responsible for everything, but for the most part it's just people being scared of social consequences.

BigMoistDaddy67 · 2026-04-25T22:20:41+00:00

It feels like so many men on Reddit and in my generation have a victim mentality when it comes to dating and socializing where they just get bitter and withdraw and I don't understand why.

Because more men than ever before, at least going back to our parents and grandparents generations, are starting to realize that success in heterosexual relationships as a man looking for women is essentially rigged.

Just put yourself out there more. Attend more social events, approach more women, develop more hobbies.

If you weren't getting women before, in middle school, or high school, or college, or the early-20s years post college, doing this is not going to help you.

You cannot be resentful or upset if you aren't socializing constantly and meeting new women.

Says who? You're trying to imply that men have no right to complain about the circumstances of modern culture unless they subject themselves to a humiliation ritual?

Ok-Ninja-8165 · 2026-04-25T10:38:22+00:00

Too much internet and dumb ideas before trying anything. Because dating stuff in internet has a clear bias towards people who are unsuccessful. So reading that creates bias in those men too.

Dense_Ad_6283 · 2026-04-25T11:54:14+00:00

Because they think they are victims

Lift_and_Lurk · 2026-04-25T15:41:32+00:00

Most don’t want to admit it here, but there is a lot of truth in this meme I consistently post

<image>

Title	Why do so many men have a victim mentality when it comes to romance and dating?
Author	Equivalent_Use_5024
Upvotes	0
Comments	134
Date	April 25, 2026 10:11 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1sv88ja/why_do_so_many_men_have_a_victim_mentality_when/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-so-many-men-have-a-victim-mentality-when-it.1578844 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578844

Comments