Why is everybody's Ex 'abusive'?

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-02-27T14:15:34+00:00

Removed for low effort

YourAverageTurkGuy · 2022-02-27T11:05:59+00:00

Confirmation bias. No one writes about their good relationships, it's the bad ones that stick out and you need to vent about.

Siukslinis_acc · 2022-02-27T08:26:49+00:00

Because people usually vent about bad thing and not good things. So no one is venting/complaining about an ex who was good.

That's why there is so much negativityon the internet. Barely anyone is talking about good things, because people want to vent about bad things (and negativity get's more attention - just look at the news). Positivity doesn't create drama.

lilacmaze · 2022-02-27T08:18:19+00:00

People with abusive ex's are probably more likely to feel the need to outsource their problems to the internet or search for reassurance.

sarkington · 2022-02-27T09:15:13+00:00

It’s a good reason to break up, no? You prefer they break up for no reason or because they are happy ?

plumtastic · 2022-02-27T08:56:16+00:00

I think this is only a problem is someone says every Ex they had was abusive, then it's obvious who the common denominator is. Someone having one shitty Ex is just life, there are a lot of troubled people around.

The_Meep_Lord · 2022-02-27T07:49:23+00:00

[permanently deleted]

uchihaitachi1237 · 2022-02-27T07:55:35+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Lotus_82 · 2022-02-27T08:36:22+00:00

If they weren’t abusive, chances are they wouldn’t be exes.

techr0nin · 2022-02-27T08:05:30+00:00

The range of what is considered “abusive” is so big now that I don’t really know what it means anymore.

Siukslinis_acc · 2022-02-27T07:57:15+00:00

[permanently deleted]

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-02-27T09:48:06+00:00

Because unfortunately there are a lot of abusive men and women out there and it’s becoming more socially acceptable to call them out on it

logiauser · 2022-02-27T11:07:15+00:00

Hard to know what the word means now. Are we talking emotional abuse or physical? Almost anything is labeled abusive.

Return_of_Hoppetar · 2022-02-27T11:41:14+00:00

Not every ex is portrayed this way, but of those who are:

A part of them are exes because they were abusive; another part are retroactively abusive because they are now exes.

I also think "abusive" has a rather lose definition in modern English. The other day, some girl posted about macing her husband because he shouted at her.

LittyKitsune · 2022-02-27T12:32:59+00:00

No I can definitely believe it when keeping the demographics of Reddit in mind.

It's incredibly understated how depressingly common abuse can be in "nerd" communities. It doesn't help that quite a lot of these relationships start in online spaces at a young age which already selects for people who are extremely awkward and inexperienced in relationships, or have distorted ideas of how relationships work. Not so much physical (but this does happen too). Shit like threatening suicide or self-harm if he/she tries to leave, revenge porn, outing, etc.

87AudreyHorne · 2022-02-27T13:07:53+00:00

Well from what I've seen, it's because people started using very "clinical" terms for commonplace, but not ideal, human behavior. On reddit I've seen people referring to walking out on someone in a fight, silent treatment etc as abuse. I've seen people refer to any type of raised voice or open frustration or anger as abuse. You slam your fist on a table and it's abuse.

Then there is the idea that when two people disagree about something that happened, which is quite normal and common, one is being gaslighted

People who are with someone who doesn't quite love them and is weasling their way out are also considered abuse victims and the weak, but fairly normal person is suddenly a manipulative mastermind

People looking for their own best interests or not being supportive are narcissists...

It's crazy if you ask me. Relationships can get shitty and people often don't react ideally in some situations but for me abuse is serious shit, not a shitty relationship you can easily walk out of but don't cause you lack a spine - sorry

Rol9x · 2022-02-27T13:35:57+00:00

One of my ex's was really abusive, another one was a very sweet and lovable person. Another ex was a crazy woman for others but a great partner to me, when we were together. So... I guess not all exes are the same.

CrabMaster- · 2022-02-27T08:03:19+00:00

Because women can't possibly ever be the problem

boofthegirl · 2022-02-27T10:25:42+00:00

In my opinion, there are a lot of abusive people out there. Not just in intimate relationships but also in friendships, etc. Lots of people need therapy and don’t get it. Inherently abusive people seek out those who are easily abused.

There are just as many abusive women as abusive men.

First of all, women are, typically, “allowed” to speak out about their abusive partners. Whereas men fear the repercussions of calling a woman abusive as well as laying themselves bare and exposing their mental/emotional wounds. If a man is being slapped around by a woman, he’s probably not going to go to the police about it.

Also, “actions speak louder than words” so being beaten (which men are more likely to inflict upon women) is often seen as somehow worse even though mental abuse is objectively worse.

This reply does NOT consider men killing women that they’re in intimate relationships with which is a whole other ballpark. Men are more likely to murder their intimate partners via abuse. I’m talking about emotional and mental abuse, mostly. So pls no one come for me lol

taapy234 · 2022-02-27T11:51:15+00:00

Ever since the field of psychology was invaded by women, this accusation became extremely common.

Now, these ladies use "science-y" sounding terms to justify their behaviors and their actions. And wield technical terms like a political weapon. The same way fundies use bible to wage justify their christcuck bullshit.

Which means, the psychological terms enters mainstream vocabulary and women throw around words to mean anything and everything that that's how we stand today. Everybody's ex is "abusive" now because this label acts as a thought terminating cliché to tell people to not question her too much about it.

Don't blame women for getting off on asshole men who are not nice or respectful towards them.

Don't question women's poor decisions because mushoggynee.

Don't question their hypergamous impulses that causes them to go after top 20% men who use them only for sex.

This is why psychology is going through a replication crisis.

hearyoume14 · 2022-02-27T08:07:11+00:00

They seem to either have terrible taste in partners or they are the issue and are projecting.

Short-Fingers · 2022-02-27T08:40:32+00:00

My ex of 3 months said she had been in a couple abusive relationships before me. She definitely behaved in ways at times that I could see why it would bring out bad qualities in her partner, especially a younger more immature partner.

Pm_Me_Dirty_Thought · 2022-02-27T09:00:08+00:00

Reddit is god awful with this and this goes beyond relationships, like apparently 2/3 of reddit women had a creepy uncle/neighbour growing up.

NotQuiteHapa · 2022-02-27T11:25:56+00:00

My ex cheated on me repeatedly, knocked my tooth out, slapped me in front of my mother, punched me, choked me, dumped food on my head, body shamed me publicly and emasculated me on a regular basis.

But she gave me her first love, her virginity, massages any time I wanted, cuddles, companionship, sex which was never withheld or weaponized, and took care of me when I became disabled for several years. She was my worst enemy and my best friend. I miss her.

plumtastic · 2022-02-27T08:05:24+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Specialist-Action-33 · 2022-02-27T08:27:40+00:00

Many times when women say this shes the one who was either the abuser or the provocateur

Source: "apparent victim of spousal abuse"

Psychological_Wear_7 · 2022-02-27T08:49:09+00:00

All the women were angels who did no wrong while the men were vehemently abusive

Det_Steve_Sloan · 2022-02-27T09:44:30+00:00

It's what happens when degeneracy attacks your culture, with feminism being one of the weapons: Mass psychosis entitlement among women, being led to believe they are exceptional and beyond criticism.

So if a man raises his voice in retaliation... MUH ABUSE!! SURVIVOR!!

Even the definition of rape has been altered to include groping and 'domestic violence' been altered to include alleged psychological coercion.

IsopodSubstantial968 · 2022-02-27T09:38:32+00:00

People learn things that could be used to damage the other. They both stay together until both the individual's sensitivity is high and consideration for the other is low. Then attacks are made in the name of 'self protection'. Honest culpability is swapped out for victimization (delivering or receiving).

Reisiluu · 2022-02-27T11:31:08+00:00

They are called abusive often because people keep good partners and leave bad partners. If people enjoyed dating abusive partners, it would be more likely for someone to have an abusive current partner than an abusive ex partner.

KirthWGersen · 2022-02-27T11:46:45+00:00

Generally, it is projection from people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions.

People who are abusers tend to have a black and white view of other people, and find any justification for their own actions.

Healthy people tend to see things in shades of grey and acknowledge their part in the shit-show.

KFC_Fleshlight · 2022-02-27T11:47:42+00:00

Another note is that abusive people tend to frame themselves as victims to make themselves feel better about a situation.

I had one abusive ex and i’m pretty sure she started saying weird shit to our mutual friends because they started acting weird to me after.

DXBrigade · 2022-02-27T12:08:04+00:00

Some women just love to badmouth their ex and blame him for everything. Whenever I hear someone bashing his or her ex, I take it with a grain of salt.

Also "abusive" is a trendy buzzword just like "toxic" or "unhealthy", or " narcissistic".

Cupcakelover1985 · 2022-02-27T12:14:38+00:00

Everyone’s ex is not abusive. They are just more likely to talk about it if their ex was. If your ex was amazing but the timing was wrong you’re not going to bring that up unless asked really otherwise people would think you’re humble bragging or pining after them. If your ex wasn’t a right fit for you but was an overall decent person and you broke up due to incompatibilities you’re not really going to broadcast that either because discussing why you’re incompatible could come off like you’re bragging.

Plus unfortunately(or fortunately depending on how you look at it) people on the like drama and messiness. Theres more people that find it a lot of fun to commiserate over the shitty men and women they’ve dated vs the great ones.

Then lastly people who have been abused often want a outlet to grieve and express how they felt and be validated because part of the abuse process is invalidating your victim, making them feel small and worthless, unseen, unheard etc. Venting online when you’ve gone through that can be cathartic and healing if the people you’re venting to are supportive and empathetic.

Federal_Bat_5355 · 2022-02-27T12:15:23+00:00

If people are happy then they talk to the people who make them happy. If there's something sad people usually don't wanna bring their loved ones down by talking about it too often, so sometimes people go to the internet for it. Anonymity is useful for that kinda thing. Some people just need validation for their problems before they make a decision. There's plenty of reasons why the negative would be out more than the positive.

Honestly, I'd unfollow a subreddit if it was just lovey dovey schmush, but if there is actually something to discuss then it seems worthwhile.

John_Oakman · 2022-02-27T12:30:57+00:00

Because there's no need to talk about the non-abusive exes.

sthlmtrdr · 2022-02-27T12:32:31+00:00

A man putting boundaries and rules for his woman what she is allowed to do = abusive

Says she can't go out party at night club with her friends = he's abusive
Says she can't sleep over at her friends place = he's abusive
Says she can't go to Las Vegas over the weekend with her friends = he's abusive
Says she can't go travel to abroad on vacation with her friends = he's abusive

Ofcouse there is cases where the man is really abusive and controlling, exercise physical or phyical violence. But a a man putting acceptable boundaries and limits on his woman is not being abusive.

Willow-girl · 2022-02-27T12:44:00+00:00

It seems a fair number of men have no problem playing the "superior physical strength" card to win an argument.

moosemc · 2022-02-27T12:58:00+00:00

Or they had an avoidant personality.

JameisBong · 2022-02-27T13:02:49+00:00

Because if they actually extolled the positive virtues of the relationship, other people would judge them. Women do this ... Some men too.

The idea is to perpetually portray themselves as victims, never the aggressor or co conspirator.

january21st · 2022-02-27T13:05:42+00:00

If EVERY ex was toxic/abusive that's a red flag. If it stinks wherever you go, check the bottom of your shoe.

2022-02-27T13:06:03+00:00

I’ve never had one like that, only 2 cheaters out of like 20?

We all make mistakes when we’re young tho, plenty of cringe in those memories

_-One4All-_ · 2022-02-27T13:12:30+00:00

Because everybody is a ducking victim nowadays LOL

askheidi · 2022-02-27T13:16:24+00:00

I've had four exes but I've never complained about any of them because they were all good people, we just ended up breaking up because we weren't right for each other. If I had one abusive ex, I might end up talking about it. But your brain is not going to single out Reddit posts about regular, normal people who happen to break up and people are also less likely to discuss those types of relationships.

social_mule · 2022-02-27T13:41:46+00:00

Because you're only hearing one side and since everybody is a hero or victim in their own story they conveniently leave out the fucked up shit they did in the relationship.

Visible-Doughnut-782 · 2022-02-27T13:54:42+00:00

Everybody in relationship forums seemly have had an “abusive”, “toxic” or “narcissistic” ex because language is constantly evolving and these have simply become buzzwords for this generation that no longer hold the same meaning that they once did.

Sociopaths, Clinical Narcissists and Abusers do of course exist in society but thankfully they are very rare. Reddit however would lead you to believe they exist at epidemic levels- either that or everybody is dating the exact same 3 percent of the population!

Sociopath in the context of dating now no longer means somebody completely devoid of all human empathy. It means somebody who forgot to buy a Valentine’s Day gift.

Narcissist no longer means somebody with a dangerously and destructively inflated sense of self worth. It means somebody who spends too much time playing video games rather than mowing the lawn.

Abuser no longer means drunkenly beating the shit out of their partner; it means leaving the toilet seat up and suggesting it might be healthy to lose a few pounds.

Basically any behaviours that contributes to the breakdown of a relationship are now described in the most bombastic terms.

Of course all relationships breakdown because of some negative factor on both sides. Even genuinely abusive and toxic relationships are never entirely one sided. It always takes two to tango but human beings all have an intrinsic victim mentality. Somebody else is always to blame.

MrCapricorn404 · 2022-02-27T14:01:23+00:00

Fatherless behavior why else lmao

iamthemovie1992 · 2022-02-27T14:12:08+00:00

People like to believe that they are always the victim and they are perfect. There have been relationships I have had where I genuinely believed I was the victim at the end, only to look back during my healing phase where I realized I was actually kind of terrible as well to them.

Like in therapy, their feelings are still valid, but their feeling just may/may not be an objective truth. Take being depressed or paranoid that everyone is out to get you, yes you feel that way and it is totally valid that you are feeling it, but that doesn’t mean it’s actually true which is what therapy is designed to do.

Ylduts · 2022-02-27T09:08:53+00:00

This does happen. I think more people experience this because that’s the type of people they pursue and it seems to happen more often when people are punching up.

AutoModerator · 2022-02-27T07:46:33+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

nedinator3000 · 2022-02-27T11:00:44+00:00

Well in a time where literally EVERYTHING is sexual assault, everyone is toxic, and every person is in their damn feelings, this shouldn’t surprise anyone.

no_user_ID_found · 2022-02-27T13:43:40+00:00

Because when you haven’t got an abusive ex, you can’t claim any victim status. Which means you won’t be accepted in the woke crowd.

Title	Why is everybody's Ex 'abusive'?
Author	uchihaitachi1237
Upvotes	48
Comments	157
Date	February 27, 2022 7:46 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/t2j2aj/why_is_everybodys_ex_abusive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-is-everybodys-ex-abusive.1105079 https://theredarchive.com/post/1105079

Comments