What did YOU do wrong?

DaveTheDrummer802 · 2025-10-11T14:27:04+00:00

I was too nice

middleclassmetal · 2025-10-11T03:35:12+00:00

I can say for certain that I did not attend to the little things. I let the business of life get in the way and the little gifts and flowers for no reason, date nights, planned outings, all didn’t happen enough. To me it was just we were busy with other things and when I look back, I see how impactful things like that are and that letting them slide even unintentionally wasn’t good. Obviously we have other issues, but I think if I had been better about those acts of affection and intention, we’d have a better foundation.

That being said, I was similar to you where I rarely have told my wife no and I honestly think now that if I had early on, we might not have even gotten married. I accept blame to avoid further conflict rather than push back and that slowly influenced my behavior over time in terms of being more hesitant to ask questions or stand out

LonelyNC123 · 2025-10-11T00:50:15+00:00

What did I do wrong?

I GOT MARRIED.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2025-10-10T22:45:05+00:00

Played captain save a hoe, ignored all the red flags, the difficult relationship with her father, self harming, awful taste in men, external validation (but that is all women) partying, alcohol (though I did the same at the time, except self harming if we ignore smoking and drinking).
Was thinking with my dick as she was the most attractive woman with the prettiest face and best looking body I've ever had, and I had girls before her but she was strangely magnetic, and had a "unique" personality and was very charming. So I believed her "ambassador" persona was the real her and bought into the sexbombing, which was unreal. I was 21 and fresh out of a LTR when I met her, I had no chance. I was young, attractive, had money and options with women but I chose her. A mistake.
Didn't know about personality disorders (we probably learned that in school in psychology, but again, I was thinking with my dick at the time and not listening).
Let her move in with me in under a year, supported her in every way and she became a succesful, educated independant woman thinking this will be valued.
I fell in love hard, wanted to please her and probably became a simp and later, a domesticated man. Neglected my old self, though I never let myself go physically and people give me 10-15 years less. I was never a pushover or spineless, I did it out of love, which she probably considered a weakness. There was no redpill content back then, I made many many mistakes because that's what I've been taught women wanted. For more than a decade she was like an angel, an ideal girlfriend and I really thought I hit the lottery with her. She really played the part well.
I married her.
Kids came, and she became a different person and again, I made the mistake of attributing her personality shift to post partum, work stress, chores, etc. This is fine, this is temporary, this shall pass when xyz happens.
I tolerated the semi-dead beadroom and lack of intimacy thinking it can be fixed with time or conversation or doing more, providing more, initiating more, dating her more, doing more chores and other suggested bullshit.

This impacted my mental health. During 16.5 of 18 years of our relationship I never even flirted with other women, I never cheated and I had the opportunities and now wish I had and just left 5 years ago when the marriage was probably done, and she just forgot to inform me.

Chance_Ice_7335 · 2025-10-10T21:37:41+00:00

Nope. Married 40 years to a wife with BPD. Was able to manage it by acquiescing, giving up friends, hobbies and being a high earner. She alienated all 3 of our adult children and they in turn begged me to leave the marriage. Offered wife generous separation terms, but she got triggered and had a meltdown. Called cops and had me falsely arrested for felony DV and attempted rape. The restraining order had her living in the McMansion alone for a year with all expenses. I earned $400k and yet she got no alimony because I’m 65. Two years in to the divorce I’m thoroughly enjoying fucking up her life. I’m retired and living with my Ukrainian girlfriend in Hawaii (renting my son’s house 30% below market). She cashed out of the house and bought a newly built house in Seattle , which dropped 15% in value in two months. She liquidated $100k in her IRA and ended up paying $204,000 in taxes in 2024. She’s fired one attorney already and has spent $110,000 in legal fees. I live frugally (she’s a shopaholic)and I keep rejecting her offer to settle. Have hired two experts (Watts credits and Marsten Moore credits) and am signaling a willingness to “go the distance”. She’s losing money, has no family in her life, and living in a place with poor weather. Life is good.😀

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-10-10T17:31:21+00:00

I did not continue to date my wife. This accounts for 95% of divorces. Easy fix, just takes effort, and it does not end.

mesi130 · 2025-10-10T16:49:59+00:00

Certain things bothered me in the marriage. I let these things build up till I exploded. I let her treat me a certain way for far too long. Example when I could go to sleep. I could have treated her children better. I didn’t realize a blended family would be so difficult

southass · 2025-10-10T16:36:03+00:00

I was a project and I will never let anyone treat me like that again, from the start I told her " If I say no is no, I already thought about it and I don't like X things" she took it like a challenge and ran over me, I will never allow that to happen again.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-10-10T15:46:51+00:00

Willing to admit I got complacent about still 'dating' my wife. We both did, really. Covid didn't help but that isn't an excuse.

My ex told me, towards the end, "I'm bored". I took it as she was bored in that moment, but really it was a broader bored because we were just being parents/roommates.

That said, I know it wasn't on me alone to make magic happen. Via mutual friends she was complaining and they said tell me but her reply was "he should figure it out". Well, I didn't.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2025-10-10T15:45:17+00:00

I got married.

MonarchistExtreme · 2025-10-10T15:03:43+00:00

Started treating shit tests as if they were earnest or serious. Decided I should come to where she was emotionally vs standing my ground. Basically when I morphed into everything she swore she wanted I was walked over and disrespected the last several years.

But you shouldn't have to play games to stay married so yeah...picked the wrong partner.

BrewersBlues · 2025-10-10T12:52:34+00:00

Just marrying someone with a generally incompatible life approach.

She was smart and beautiful, but also had problems with emotional dysregulation, behavioral splitting, and was deeply enmeshed in an unhealthy family with lots of codependent baggage.

Regardless of what I could’ve changed, and I do acknowledge I wasn’t perfect, the marriage was ultimately doomed to fail due to her family’s inability to respect healthy, normal boundaries, and her unwillingness to break the cycle.

My advice, don’t be too hard on yourself, fix what you can fix, but do it for you — not someone else.

Accurate-Pilot-5666 · 2025-10-10T09:03:30+00:00

It may be that the only thing you did wrong was make a poor choice of partner.

StandardButPoor500 · 2025-10-10T08:36:38+00:00

The dumbest thing I've done in my life was having a kid, plus all the anxiety I had that my life will be incomplete if I'm childless.

I love him a lot now that he exists, but I should not have. I should have divorced instead.

Ark161 · 2025-10-10T05:23:09+00:00

I'll say that when my wife said she wanted a divorce, it didnt even hit me until a couple of days later. I was expecting something to come up, for her to say she had eyes for someone else, or something along those lines. Ultimately I was in the same boat for, god, maybe 6 months-ish? However, in my time since, I have learned that we tend to reflect on the things we could have impacted because that gives the situation reason. If we fucked up, then we deserve it. If we did something wrong, we can fix it. That is how a lot of us work. It only make sense to try and make sense of things that make no sense. It will main you until you lose your mind, and it will kill you if you let it. You have to understand that it is very seldom a one side fault situation and you have to acknowledge this when reflecting on your now former marriage.

In context to your question though, my mistake was trusting someone enough to truly let my guard down. We had been through a lot before we got married, went through a lot while marriage, so much in fact I let it delude me into believing that we could work through anything. We made promises, had plans if things went south to make it work, but when push came to shove, it was as simple as she didnt love me anymore and by her own confirmation, there wasnt a damn thing I could have done to change that. Accepting that person is no longer your person is hard, sepecially when you planned to grow old and die with them. I will never say I was perfect and there are a few occassions that I harbor deep shame and regret in how I acted. All that said however, I was never disloyal, I never had wandering eyes, I loved her for who she was regardless of her faults. She was by no means perfect, but as it has been over a year now since everything started, I got lucky in the fact there was no real animosity. I know, that sounds stupid, but for some reason every time I want to hate her, I cant bring myself to do it because though she betrayed my trust, she wasnt malicious. I knew the writing was on the wall at a certain point thinking back on it, but hoped we would work past it. Hell, I even said sleeping in different beds was a sign in am argument, and I instead mentally justified it as we both were fidgetty sleepers. But, what is done is done, and we can only really move foward.

For the future, really dont have a plan. Im in my late 30s now and with everything the way it is in the world, im kind of just done. Trust is a more precious commodity than gold anymore. I have no desire to raise someone elses kid or suffer for other people's trauma who wouldn't be there the same for me. I just have no tolerance for it anymore. So i have been trying to find myself again. Listening to music I used to like, traveling a little bit, learning to play guitar, trying to build my own structure back up ya know? Like yeah there was bad, but there was good too. Again, maybe it is a flaw that I see it like that, but im just focusing on surviving more so than rebuilding to go through that daytime drama of an event ever again.

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-10-10T04:24:19+00:00

In the early days I truly tried to face the things I did wrong, some of which were bad habits like my drinking, but others were possible positives like what psych people would call “setting boundaries”. In the end I realize she most likely had a midlife crisis, so there isn’t really anything I could have done to change her own path. Even if I had known more about MLC, I am not sure I would have been willing to live that kind of life with someone who was willing to commit infidelity or break up a family for the need to feel young and attractive again. Now, after 2 years, I try to be thankful for the person I had and the time we had, because I am not sure the person I knew will ever truly return. And I learned a lot about the nature of attachment.

If you really get down to it. It’s a confluence of a few main factors. Women have always been capable of this, it’s in their biology. But it’s been unleashed due to economics (they can leave), culture (they are applauded for leaving), menopause (that’s not their fault), midlife crisis (partially their fault), and the individual (roll of the dice)…oh and technology (like Ozempic, Botox, plastic surgery, HRT).

watermelonstrong · 2025-10-10T04:07:46+00:00

Sure I did shit wrong and would do some differently next time. But honestly some people just aren't cut out for till death do us part. She's a party girl , got bored with 3 kids and a house and husband, had an affair (guy was 20 yrs older and unemployed) and now she isn't with him but she goes nightclubbing every other weekend without the kids

So it doesn't fucken matter what I did wrong, I mean it might help me in the future if I want another relationship (I don't) But don't ever beat yourself up about it. A lot of women just get bored and want to blow their families up over it. It's fun for them.

Dazzling-Car-2407 · 2025-10-10T03:36:13+00:00

Since she left me I’ve done a lot of reflection. Could be a generalisation but of my friends, the best relationships are the ones where the men has held firm to himself. They prioritise their goals, stand firm in the direction of the family, their career, she follows. They treat their partner like a princess but also stand firm in what they want and need. I did the opposite, I simped, gave her all my time, it impacted my career and we lost direction. I caved to everything she wanted and stopped being her king. Eventually she lost respect even though it was what she said she wanted.

Dismal_Wishbone3021 · 2025-10-10T02:43:53+00:00

I mistook all the drama of the women in her family as passion. It was all drama.

Bonus - I didn't get a proper understanding of health history. Her grandmother, her mother, and now her all had their thyroids stop working in their middle age. It's partly genetic, and partly the over usage of OTC medications. They also had problems with their reproductive organs, which came out in mine as full blown endometriosis and Hashimoto's. She left in part because I wanted kids and she could t and then went off the rails. Thyroid not working is hormone hell, and every man in the family wanted to kill himself lol

6StringFiend · 2025-10-10T02:43:22+00:00

I over thought all the things she said or didn’t say. I let my past traumas effect me for to long. I lost trust in her when she created space between us. I let my emotions get the best of me thinking our marriage and friendship would last forever. I tried and tried. I realized that I am humble enough to say I needed help but she wasn’t willing to meet me half way anymore. I still love her and always will even when she treated me like that enemy and showed no empathy when I was suffering.

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-10-10T02:15:15+00:00

What if what you did really doesn’t matter, but how you go forward and who you want to be moving forward matters more? I think we can get stuck in a loop trying to understand what we did wrong, how we could have shown up differently. But if you woke up tomorrow and decided how you want to be, and learn what type of partner you attract, what you were doesn’t matter.

BigBubbaMac · 2025-10-10T01:58:04+00:00

I let her get comfortable crossing my boundaries. So when I started getting my mental health together and sticking to them it didn't go over well at all.

PurpleGrapeTurtle · 2025-10-10T01:02:34+00:00

We had bad communication, and we both ignored our problems. I always thought there would be time to fix things later, but when she expressed wanting a divorce she was past the point of no return. So I should have had more serious conversations with her earlier and tried to get us to go to consoling. I'm not sure even that would have worked, we may have just ended up divorcing earlier.

AssistantActive9529 · 2025-10-10T00:54:52+00:00

Should have walked out on her when she had cold feet. Biggest mistake.

Schmetts · 2025-10-10T00:46:56+00:00

People talking about enforcing boundaries in this thread...what kind of specific boundaries are you talking about?

No shade but I'm starting to feel like boundaries is becoming an all-purpose buzzword that doesn't really mean anything, kind of like gaslighting a few years ago.

nonotmeporfavor · 2025-10-10T00:15:27+00:00

Overthinking and over stayed. Told my self a story that love was something different than what it means.

lowcarbbq · 2025-10-10T00:07:59+00:00

Apparently I am a narcissist sociopath.

I am so good at manipulation I got the marriage counselor to completely agree with me instead of me Stbxw.

I am also so good at manipulation I got opposing counsel to agree with my asset split being fair and equitable, even though Stbxw knows I am screwing her over.

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2025-10-09T23:48:16+00:00

It wasn't important to me to figure out what I did wrong because I did my best under the circumstances with the information available to me at the time. If I would've done something different given what I know now, it is only because I have new information and experiences to draw from.

That being said, I have a hard time forgiving myself for being weak, simping, not enforcing boundaries, and in general not heeding the many red flags I knew about before we got married.

The things I did wrong only affected my happiness and my life. You aren't responsible for another person's happiness.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-10-09T23:25:43+00:00

Needed to continue to date her through and after kids. When kids came around, I went Dad mode hard. Coached all the teams, Boy Scouts, everything. Should've dialed it back and focused harder on her.

However, we had an awesome life with everything we wanted. She ultimately chose to have an affair.

Heyokalol · 2025-10-09T23:16:48+00:00

I ignored early incompatibilities because I wanted the idea of family more than I checked for real fit.
I over-functioned and trained the relationship to run on my effort.
I let small disrespect slide, calling it patience, when it was really me dropping my boundaries.
I waited too long to say what I needed and only spoke up once resentment had built.
I tried to outwork emotions with gym, grinding, being strong, instead of naming what I felt.
I used numbing and distractions when I should’ve used recovery and honesty.
I blurred roles and lost myself: partner, fixer, roommate, until I lost my identity.
I trusted goodwill in co-parenting instead of setting clear legal and practical boundaries early.
I tried to win with effort where alignment was missing, hoping time would fix what clarity should have.

I was a fool with goodwill and no standards.

Totesmagotes24x7 · 2025-10-09T23:08:49+00:00

Thinking that giving my Wife physical affection and compliments about how I still find her beautiful and sexy even after 19 years of marriage was enough to keep her happy. Despite also being the provider and helping out around the house, it still came down to emotional intelligence. I realize now that woman needs to connect more on an emotional level than physical. Next relationship I will be sure to include more emotional connection while maintaining a physical love for said woman.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2025-10-09T23:03:09+00:00

I picked the wrong person to marry based on negative patterns and thinking from childhood abuse. In retrospect, there were a billion red flags.
I tolerated disrespect in lots of little ways that added up over time. I thought I was giving her grace, but she just took it as weakness.
I sacrificed myself to the point I no longer existed in the relationship. One of the big ones was letting my friendships with my bros fall to the wayside.
I failed to be an emotional and spiritual leader in my home.

Title	What did YOU do wrong?
Author	Mysterious_Bet_461
Upvotes	29
Comments	84
Date	October 9, 2025 10:53 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1o2khzf/what_did_you_do_wrong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-did-you-do-wrong.1563779 https://theredarchive.com/post/1563779

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