Do most women really value different attributes when looking for a relationship?

MistyMaisel · 2023-05-18T15:46:53+00:00

I always explain it like this and forgive me if I go at length:

Most men are completely invisible to women (I believe the same is true in reverse). If it were a restaurant, they aren't even on the menu.

There are ways to get on the menu: good looks, charm, humor, obviously gross displays of wealth, displays of leadership or other admirable qualities, and other people recommending you, etc.

Once you're on the menu, this doesn't mean you'll ever be selected or eaten, after all, maybe I'm a reuben sandwich woman and you're a burger. Maybe I do eat burgers, but I'm not in the mood because today I want a buffalo hoagie. But, you're at least being evaluated for whether or not I should order you at the restaurant now. Please note, ordering you is the equivalent to a date in most cases or maybe going out a few times.

When I order you, I already know that I like the intangibles and the sort of thing you appear to be (just like I know if I like a burger and fries or not). The whole reason I'm now eating you is to determine if you have the factors required for me to eat a burger at this restaurant again: long term relationship qualities like humility, stability, lifestyle, good moral character, chemistry between us, and raw sexual attraction). After all, I've had some burgers that were pretty trash, but yes, approximately a burger. Sometimes I thought they were handsome, but there ended up being no raw sexual attraction. Hopefully you get me.

Now, in order for you to become my menu item, the item I always order, the item which I want, the only meal I eat at the only restaurant I frequent (long term relationship), you pretty much have to offer all of the above, both emotional/momentary stuff and non-negotiable relationship building stuff. It's all vital to a long term relationship. Trust me, I've tried having a long term relationship several times with men I felt no raw sexual attraction to. It wasn't great. We weren't happy in certain ways I think we should have been.

The flaw is that men seem to think that women should be willing to settle for a dude who cannot provoke raw sexual attraction because he'd be really good at paying a mortgage and fathering kids. That's great, but like, no? We still have to have a relationship and we aren't going to have a joyful or long-term one if I'm just a broodmare and he's just a work-horse.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-05-18T15:34:35+00:00

I don't know what exactly you're calling "raw" sexual attraction, I assume attraction based on anything you can know about when you don't know a person, so mainly just looks. Women care about looks in relationships as much as men, but it's just one factor. The other things you mentioned also contribute to attraction, it just takes longer to find them out and build it up but generally more compatible partners are more attracted to each other and will do better in general. Both men and women will find it hard to build any relationship beyond friends with benefits based on fairly weak attraction that's all about looks. Relationships are all about emotions and of course compatibility is affected by and will affect emotions, so it's okay to make an emotional decision here. An unstable relationship will make you sad and stressed, so someone who cares about their happiness should choose a stable one, for example.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-05-18T15:36:56+00:00

i dont think we value DIFFERENT attributes so much as we seek to ADD ltr attributes to the tingles to gain a whole package and often fail because its a tough mix to get. an overbalance of LTR traits (good beta) can inadvertently kill "sexy" traits, but you NEED good beta to make a life and family with a man. there is an optimal balance of alpha and beta traits, its just very hard to find and most men will be able to display both during dating but have an underlying alpha or beta "nature" that comes out as the relationship settles in. a lot of even beta men simply benefit from the dread of early dating that comes from not living together and then lose that when the LTR progresses.

AlfonsinaStorming · 2023-05-18T16:40:47+00:00

For me it's non negotiable but also not enough. If there's no chemistry, then the relationship won't start. If there's only chemistry, it won't last.

RadicalQueenBee · 2023-05-18T15:57:49+00:00

I don't value different attributes when looking for a relationship, I just have more attributes that I look for.

Man A: decently sexually attractive to me, without an unpleasant personality -> ONS/FB depending on how fun our time together is, how's the sex, how sexually attractive and interesting I consider him, if he satisfies the above I'll see him again for at least a few more times

Man B: very sexually attractive and very good looking to me, very pleasant and interesting personality, we have a great time together, I feel comfortable/want to introduce him to my friends, I want exclusivity, I really want him to like me, we have to share the same values -> relationship

Of all my fbs/ons I was actually interested in very few for something more, although two out of three of my relationships did start out that way. There were two fbs I wanted to try something more with but it didn't really work out and that made me stop having casual sex with someone I know I'm interested in before knowing if he's also interested in me.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-05-18T19:48:57+00:00

If there is no sexual attraction I do not want to be in a sexual relationship with them and we can just be friends if we're compatible as friends.

Personality traits and other compatibility are just as important, but there is no chance of dating you if there is nothing separating the way I feel about you from the way I feel about a friend or a cousin or a coworker.

What you call 'tingles' I just call attraction. I don't date (whether once or ongoing) people I'm not attracted to.

Most people don't.

Eschew_Sloth-232 · 2023-05-18T16:04:33+00:00

Raw Attraction has never been more important. If that is not there or those other 'qualities' become null and void. It is actually dangerous for a man to enter a relationship with a woman who does not actually have for desire him. Some men will never get it mostly because they want to hold onto the hope that they can compensate lack of desire with being an upstanding, emotionally mature gentlemen, who listens etc

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-05-18T16:55:09+00:00

Idk what tingles are. Is that like a sexual feeling? I usually wait to feel some kind of spark but my interest isn't explicitly sexual at first afaik. More like, "he is so interesting/funny/adorable". You know dumb shit like that where you start going nuts basically. Cringy cringe feelings.

Basically its an amalgamation of their looks and personality. I like quirky people usually. If they are too different from me it feels weird and wrong.

medlabunicorn · 2023-05-18T18:11:09+00:00

I met my husband online. There was no opportunity to get ‘tingles,’ or not, from that. The initial weed-out was a 99% match rate on OKC, then excellent conversation, then physical attraction when I met him.

Demasii · 2023-05-18T16:29:15+00:00

Tingles are mandatory.

Sometimes positive traits for LTR create the tingles if demonstrated in a way that makes a man stand out.

I witnessed a woman being rude to a man at a party. He ignored her instead of being rude back. The other people called her a bitch but he directed them to don't let people like her ruin the night. He wasn't fazed by it and it was super attractive. He demonstrated status.

Seems to me that the traits you would think would be non negotiable for a long term relationship still often take a back seat to momentary / emotional ones

Momentary / emotional actions don't have foresight.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-05-18T19:40:42+00:00

Yes, tingles are essential if this is to be a romantic and sexual relationship and not merely an arrangement of sorts. I mean honestly, would you want to marry a woman you had no sexual or romantic attraction to? Or be married to one who had none to you? I’d say for most guys, the answer to both would be a resounding “no.”

However, what gives different women “tingles” is not always the same. It’s an accepted fact that women often don’t “get” what their friends see in their partners they’re so crazy about. Other factors not directly related to attraction also do matter, so as long as baseline of attraction is there, a woman might pick a man who is less physically attractive than another if that man has the other traits she’s looking for. “Gold diggers” also do exist, and will choose men on the basis of money alone. But this is not the norm.

eefr · 2023-05-18T19:58:19+00:00

I see physical attraction as a threshold test. If you pass, it ceases to be important and then other factors count more (intelligence, rapport, kindness, etc.).

JNRoberts42 · 2023-05-18T15:59:04+00:00

sometimes colloquialized as ‘tingles’

That's such a reductive, embittered phrase.

Obviously typically developing women possess a sex drive and do not want to be sentenced to fifty+ years under a rutting, sweating, grunting man they aren't attracted to.

Consistent_Ad3181 · 2023-05-18T16:09:52+00:00

Attraction isn't a choice really.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-05-18T19:49:47+00:00

I have to be sexually attracted to you to want to do anything sexual with you. If I meet a guy and he's hot and fun to be around, but our lifestyles don't match up, maybe they have certain aspects of their personality that I wouldn't be able to put up with in the long term, they're going into the ''FWB'' pile. I have dated guys like that in the past and just being attractive and fun wasn't enough to sustain a serious relationship. So for an LTR, I'd be looking for someone I'm attracted to, who is fun to be around, AND has the other traits that I'd want someone that I'd spend my life with to have.

FineDevelopment00 · 2023-05-19T01:32:15+00:00

IMV, "dual mating strategies" are disingenuous and pathological AF. A true romantic relationship requires "the tingles" and other attributes such as character, certain mutual commonalities like shared interests and goals, etc.; it shouldn't be either-or; they go hand-in-hand because a relationship lacking "the tingles" is soulless and a relationship lacking other substance is shallow and both are doomed to fail in one way or another.

JulesK00044 · 2023-05-19T06:41:17+00:00

We want and need chemistry and tingles definitely. There has to be a spark or what's the point of being together you will become just friends in a long term relationship. I have to lust and love you in every way so that any not so desirable qualities I don't even think of or notice. This is why so many now end up in dead bedrooms they never had the spark but because those people had good qualities they got with them thinking that would sustain.

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Convinceparents · 2023-05-18T15:32:01+00:00

I’ve only been sexually attracted to one of my exes from the beginning. My other relationships stemmed from the way they treated me. Sexual attraction is different for me though as I did not have sex with anyone of them.

My current partner is not high on the attractiveness scale. He’s not muscular, not tall, he makes okay money but not one that would make women chase him. Gosh, is he kind, attentive, says sorry when he messes up, and understands my cultural/ religious beliefs without any pressure to change.

Safinated · 2023-05-18T16:20:03+00:00

Yes. I will overlook incompatibilities because they won’t be relevant in the absence of a relationship

Men do this too, so I don’t know why they can’t wrap their heads around it. Must be the double standard/entitlement

KikiYuyu · 2023-05-18T20:25:46+00:00

To me, looks are almost last on my list. If I like someone enough, their personality will change how I look at them enough to give me "tingles".

kalashhhhhhhh · 2023-05-19T08:53:09+00:00

I honestly don't know where this notion of lower standards for a relationship came from.

Atleast among the younger girls, standards are much, much higher for a relationship than for a fling/fwb, which makes sense because you're committing to one of them. Why would an early 20s girl be in a relationship with you if you weren't the best option she had?*

Sexual attraction is a requirement for both.

*this doesn't only mean the most physically attractive, but getting along the best etc

sweetestpineapple · 2023-05-18T21:26:26+00:00

Looks wise, no. I wouldn’t have sex with someone I wasn’t attracted to, relationship or not. I did that a few times as a teenager before knowing what I was attracted to and having options outside of school and my town but that’s it.

Old-Condition-119 · 2023-05-18T21:35:17+00:00

some women are more money motivated, some are more sex motivated, some are more power oriented (want a man who's submissive and controlled), some are trauma motivated (they are controlled by their trauma to go for guys who emulate the opposite or mirror image of their abuser), most are safety orientated.

Depending on a person's priority, they may budge on other stuff so long as their main desire is there. Eg- ugly guys looks are waived as he has the money she is more bothered about or the opposite- a woman doesn't care that the guy is homeless cos he's got the looks that she's more interested in.

I can't remember where I read it but there was a research done that showed younger people are more bothered about lust, looks, sex and pleasure in general and it's as they mature that they start being more money orientated. Most ugly people have the underhand in their younger years due to everyone being more impulsive and pleasure driven, but it is the more successful people who have the upper hand later in life despite not being lucky in the genetic lottery. This is no doubt cos everyone gets depressed, stops thinking so much with their genitals and more with their depressed anxious brains, that fully know "love" alone is not enough.

p_taradactyl · 2023-05-19T04:17:02+00:00

OK, I'll give it a whirl -

Attraction is contingent upon different attributes depending who you ask. Think of all the different niches in porn - one person's "ew" is another person's "hell yeah". I don't think any of us, men or women, can completely control what attracts us to another person. We may have some preferences, but it's difficult if not impossible to force or to deny a connection. It's either there or it's not.

But that only applies to those who value a connection above all else when looking for a relationship, and that is the only perspective I can speak from. I have zero interest in entering into a relationship with someone solely based on 'practical' reasons; just because someone checks the boxes of what a 'good' partner should be like isn't sufficient if there isn't also a physical, sexual attraction.

But that's where it gets tricky - physical/sexual attraction is affected by other attributes. Personally, personality can make or break someone's attractiveness & sex appeal. For women who are more materialistic, attractiveness may be affected by net worth or what car a potential partner drives.

In conclusion, the 'tingles' are inextricably linked to other attributes, and which attributes contribute to attraction vary from person to person.

I_DRINK_ANARCHY · 2023-05-19T04:49:54+00:00

I am an overtly sexual person, so sexual attraction for me is a really good starting point. But it's not just the looks, it's the chemistry. I've been around dudes who I found to be VERY nice to look at, but I could feel the lack of that spark, that connection. Conversely, when I met my last ex, I didn't immediately find him attractive in terms of looks (as in, he wasn't ugly at all, just not someone I would have turned my head for passing in the street). But very quickly I felt that magnetic pull, we were on the same sexual wavelength. And when we finally did start having sex, goddamn was it amazing.

So yeah, sexual compatibility and mutual desire is necessary for me. I need it in a relationship the same way I need respect, love, and humor. A "perfect man" who I don't find desirable or wants to have sex often is not MY perfect man, no matter how many other boxes he checks. I think sometimes the importance of sexual compatibility is lost when people are considering other important aspects. And there would be a lot less unhappiness in relationships if people truly knew their own sexual desires and tolerances and could easily voice them.

My husband is amazing because he has everything I knew I wanted in a partner (work ethic, great sex, sense of humor, ability to have fun, genuine kindness etc) and also extra qualities that I hadn't even considered. But if we hadn't been sexually compatible, our relationship never would have even begun.

neetykeeno · 2023-05-19T11:49:32+00:00

Women have different personalities and are attracted to different lifestyles and mostly seek men who are consistent with those lifestyles. We might regularly think wrongly that we can change a man for the better...make him more stable or more conscientious...it is considerably less common that we think we can change an Anglican priest into a jetsetting A lister party boy or a winemaker into a stockbroker.

Legitimate-Fox-1570 · 2023-05-21T03:59:38+00:00

I value sexual connection. However I think that’s easy to make. I really value a man who is honest. Kind. Respectful. And whom I can good conversations with. Who makes me feel comfortable and cared for.

Title	Do most women really value different attributes when looking for a relationship?
Author	StaticNocturne
Upvotes	25
Comments	127
Date	May 18, 2023 3:15 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/13l1sun/do_most_women_really_value_different_attributes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-most-women-really-value-different-attributes.1219647 https://theredarchive.com/post/1219647

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