Women with successful relationships, what do you think is key to maintaining the relationship.

DorianneGrey · 2022-05-01T00:07:34+00:00

Be kind, especially when you really don’t want to be.

Think about what you say before you say it and if you’re not going to mean it tomorrow, or next week, or next year, don’t say it.

Actively and intentionally try to do something that will improve your partner’s day, every day even if it’s something very small.

When there is conflict, resolve it and move on. Don’t revisit it or sulk about it or punish one another once both parties agree that it’s done.

Make your partner feel desirable and desired even when you don’t feel like it in the moment. It’s a loving gift that you can give them at no cost to yourself.

Make sure that your mistakes are small mistakes. Admit fault and offer a genuine and unqualified apology.

Be financially responsible.

Make healthy choices and support your partner in their healthy choices.

There is no such thing as an affair that doesn’t mean anything.

Don’t behave in ways that you wouldn’t want your partner to witness.

Use your words.

funlightmandarin · 2022-05-01T00:51:22+00:00

Never stop simping for each other, so many relationships start suffering because you stop making the other feel desirable.

Don't date someone just to date someone, date because you want to date that person in particular. Many are setting themselves up for failure by getting into a relationship just to be in a relationship, no ones committing happily longterm to a relationship they feel meh about.

Also, being willing to compromise. I really like lyed fish, my partner really doesn't. It's a small sacrifice for me to not make it for shared dinner, and I can still eat it elsewhere. Small example, but little things like that. He got blackout curtains because I'm unable to sleep without them.

Compromise isn't we're moving to the other side of the country because I solely applied for jobs there, my way or the high way.

And communication, friendship, yadda yadda, the usual bare minimum relationship shit.

bostonstrong1981 · 2022-05-01T00:45:52+00:00

I’ve been married 10 years and together with my husband for 12. Just my personal experience, but the things that we do to maintain a happy marriage:

-dedicated together time after the kids go to bed pretty much every night from 8-9 pm. No screen time. We talk, cuddle, or give each other a massage. Which usually leads to more most nights. The downside of this is that it takes us forever to get through a TV show. Took us 4 months to get through season one of Ted Lasso.

-both of us prioritize healthy habits. We eat well, exercise, and it leads to a general sense of happiness.

-respectful conversations when disagreements arise. Not name calling, yelling, or insulting the other’s viewpoints.

-some of our hobbies align. Some don’t. We give each other the space to pursue those hobbies without being snarky.

-we are opposites in some ways. He’s an introverted night owl. I’m an extroverted morning person. I don’t wake him up in the morning just because I’m up at 4:30am. He doesn’t pressure me to stay up past 9:30 or 10pm.

Good relationships are predicated upon common interests, having fun together, mutual respect, communication, and attraction. But you have to actually spend the time being with each other to cultivate that. It’s easy after a long day of work and dealing with kids to want to just lay in bed with your phone in hand. But doing that every night can erode even the best relationship and result in unfulfillment.

ashpr0ulx · 2022-05-01T00:04:46+00:00

communicate respectfully, even when we’re upset or angry
don’t sweat the small stuff. most things aren’t worth fighting about
don’t take the other person for granted. say thank you, express gratitude
maintain a healthy sex life
show up when it matters
be fiercely loyal- never give your partner a reason to doubt where y’all stand
do the sweet little things and never stop doing them

A1Dilettante · 2022-05-01T00:06:11+00:00

Humility from both sides.

EviessVeralan · 2022-05-01T02:55:19+00:00

I live by the following rules when it comes to my marriage. These are just the ones i can think of off the top of my head.

Try to be the best version of yourself for your partner.

Dont attribute to malice what probably was an honest mistake.

Remember that your partner is a human being with emotions and needs.

Don't insult your partner ever. And if you're angry enough that you risk saying something you'll regret its best to walk away till you cool down.

I tend to follow the Mike Pence rule.

FineDevelopment00 · 2022-05-01T01:31:36+00:00

An oft-misunderstood concept most relevant to this is unconditional love. To be fully in love with someone also requires caring for that person's welfare and acting accordingly even when it might be inconvenient for oneself to do. Inb4 BuT aBuSe!!11, that isn't what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is true commitment that doesn't allow occasional minor annoyances, grumpy days, not getting our way here and there, difficult life circumstances, etc. to get in the way of it because the overall relationship matters more than one's mood at a single given moment. And this should absolutely be mutual, because a relationship/marriage can thrive only if two mutually-compatible people are doing their parts to maintain it.

Unfortunately an attitude I see a lot in this sub is "What's in it for me?" without real regard for the other person involved, and a defeatist disbelief that unconditional love can exist. In order to enjoy a healthy happy relationship, one has to first develop and hone the characteristics necessary to cultivating that and vet for dating prospects who do the same, not dive headfirst (or should I say genitalfirst, lol) into shallow hookup culture and/or "pill" ideologies which do nothing but make everything adversarial and messier than it should be.

EulenWatcher · 2022-05-01T04:06:24+00:00

First what does your man or woman do to make the relationship successful?

He's consistent with his morals, I know I can trust him. He's there for me when I'm down (and he sees I'm not okay even without me talking about it) and he's great at communication, he can be open with me about his worries and troubles. He cares for my well-being, he prioritizes me over other people. He's a great lover. We both actively plan and work on our future together and he does his fair share of work. He doesn't have to be reminded about tasks around the house. He can make compromises, he can apologize if he was wrong. He remembers things I like and he does them for me. He knows I'm a very touchy person, so he hugs, kisses or just gently touches me all the time. He cares for my family and he's ready to take his time to help them.

I'm sure I haven't listed everything, but these are the things that has come to my mind first.

Then what do you do?

Pretty much the same things I've listed. There are some differences in details, but overall we provide similar things for each other. Things I do more often/better than he does - I do detailed long-term planning. We plan together, but I do the research, paper work etc. I'm the one who takes care of our health, like I make doctors' appointments, give him his medicine etc. I'm the one who initiates family gatherings. I guess in a way I do slightly more sexually-wise, just because he has higher libido and I more often give him a head or handjob than vice versa. He's a very attentive lover, it's me who can't take it as much as he'd like. So add this to the things from the first answer with switched pronouns.

To be fair I guess I should add things that he does more often/better than I do. He's better at communication, when there's something wrong he tells me without any problems, but my first instinct when I'm stressed is to close off which isn't really healthy. He's better at keeping our place neat, I'm somewhat messy. We've found a compromise here - I try remembering things he finds especially important and keep them neat while he does his best not to feel irritated when I create a mess here or there. He's the one with the license, so he drives me around and he takes care of the car. I think he considers our safety his priority, so he's the one buying and changing my pepper spray, he used to meet me after work when I was working till dark etc. He does more of heavy lifting, as a) he weights twice as much as I do and b) I shouldn't lift heavy things due to some health issues.

Finally do you think the things you guys do are rare or common in modern relationships?

I think most things we do are pretty common. What's rare is open communication, maybe the ability to make compromises for each other and prioritizing each other over other people and maybe even over some personal plans.

1Here4Bach · 2022-05-01T12:39:39+00:00

It can all be boiled down to two works “Be selfless”. When you start doing the tit for tat then it’s not good. Keep in mind being selfless only works when the other person is also selfless don’t put yourself in a situation with a fundamentally selfish person.

Communicate effectively and with empathy.

Make sure you know, understand and follow your partners boundaries. Make sure you can live with respecting their boundaries. Make sure they can do the same.

Kaleidoscopiquant · 2022-05-01T00:01:21+00:00

Select for mental stability and resilience. If one or both partners is overly sensitive, fights start cropping up out of nowhere.

Be generous with how you see your partner. He is going to do things that upset you sometimes, make a habit of seeing these as innocent rather than malicious.

Choose a man who you feel respect and admiration for. If you don't look up to him in some way, you'll end up hating him.

Barneysparky · 2022-04-30T23:55:41+00:00

Constant communication, no expectations/assumptions, mutual respect, open to reasonable compromise

sabiinvesting · 2022-05-01T00:09:50+00:00

Show appreciation for what he does.

Communicate well.

Be his best friend.

Let him know that I care through both speech and actions.

GlowingAsItDazzles · 2022-04-30T23:53:23+00:00

never hold a grudge
always laugh at his jokes
make him feel admired
deference

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-05-01T00:29:20+00:00

align and be compatible. I can't say this enough. If you're financially incompatible you will break up. Children? Are you up for settling down with a picket fence or are you the restless type who moves around a lot. Where do you want to live? Marriage or no marriage? Religion? Values? You can't compromise values.
appreciate each other. Make time for each other as a couple. Keep romance alive. This doesn't mean big expensive dates. Take strolls down the beach. Have a picnic in the park. Have a Chinese take away night where you sit down and chat. Whatever. Make each other feel special. Do the little things. Make each other coffee in the morning. Cook each others favourite foods. Reciprocate.
communicate and act on that communication. You can't just talk at each other, you need to reach a solution.
compromise. But also don't compromise for one person all the time. It's a give and take. Make decisions together that make both of you happy. Note that this means that the more aligned you are, the easier your compromises will be. Example: if you both want to live in x location, your only issue will be suburb. But even if you lose slightly on the suburb you'd still be happier than if... You want to live in x, they want to live in y. The compromise here will leave one person not so happy no matter what.

RinoaRita · 2022-05-01T01:41:46+00:00

I’m in a poly relationship with my husband for 10 years, married for 5, parents for 3. We are still going pretty strong while I’m pregnant with number 2.

I feel like having a good initial foundation of values is important. Make sure you’re not going in with the mind set that anything needs fixing or needs to get better. Like spending habits, level of cleanliness that’s acceptable, values to tech kids etc are all compatible from the get go without one party going “well we can work on that” These aren’t just leaving the lights on or forgetting ti take out the trash level annoyances but deep fundamental values.

Having a good balance of jurisdiction/responsibility in different domains helps. If one person is good at something the other isn’t and Vice versa it helps offset some arguments about who does what.

mandoa_sky · 2022-05-01T02:41:11+00:00

my parents work together as a team, make decisions as a team and like spending time going on "dates" and doing stuff together.

they're also both committed to making the marriage work and not getting divorced.

both are equally committed to looking good (dress well and skincare) and staying healthy (gym and good food).

proof: 40 years married and going strong.

delight-n-angers · 2022-05-01T03:12:57+00:00

36f married to 39m - together 19 years, married 12.

For me it was learning to understand and accommodate my partner.

Accept the ebbs and flows. You're not going to be passionately in love all the time. Sometimes it feels like having a roommate. That's okay, especially if you have kids.

Put effort in to support eachother.

But really it's just in general a lot of work to maintain a successful serious relationship. We both communicate a lot and have regular check ins about our relationship to see if we need to adjust anything.

Easy-Let-2317 · 2022-05-01T15:22:46+00:00

I might get heat for this… but being with a man who is willing to put in more than he gets out.

I know what type of person I am. I am a very fair person. If i notice someone being nice or generous to me, I always try to return the favor and usually more so. In prior relationship, if a man is trying to contribute 50% of the time, they usually don’t make it to 50% and I have to make up the rest.

My husband is so willing to “serve”(and not as a slave, acts of servitude is his love language). He always initiates making dinner even when he’s absolutely exhausted (he can work up to 100 hours+ a week and 36 hour straight), yet when he gets home before me, he’s still making me dinner. Because I see how much he loves me and how much efforts he shows me, I make sure to take care of him every chance I get.

Instead of fighting over who should do what, it’s a better mindset to always think about how you can take care of your partner. For me, that’s natural, so when I found someone who is the same way, it’s so much easier to let my defense down. I don’t have to worry about taking care of myself and making sure I’m not taken advantage of - because I know he’ll watch out for me.

LucyintheskyM · 2022-05-01T00:53:04+00:00

Don't expect them to be like a fairytale lover. Shits gonna happen, they won't worship the ground you walk on. That stuff is fun fantasy. Love them for who they are: a life partner. You (should) get out what you put in. In my experience, there isn't a soulmate, but another flawed human whose quirks you enjoy, whose crap you can deal with and who will feel the same for you. Work together to make life a bit happier, play together. That's a true soulmate, not a physical or ethereal thing, but an agreement to be each other's 'soulmate'.

MelodiousTones · 2022-05-01T01:12:37+00:00

Talking! Having difficult conversations. Confronting the baggage you brought into the relationship and a willingness to change when necessary.

I love you. I love you I love you I love you.

Intimacy.

Both people need to really believe in the relationship, believe it’s true love, believe it’s special.

My husband does so much for me it’s difficult to articulate. He is my best friend. I listen to him. He really listens to me.

Assume good intentions!

There’s so much more.

sarkington · 2022-05-01T01:54:24+00:00

Choosing well in the first place — don’t ignore red flags — and nexting as soon as shitty behaviors/dynamics pop up, after giving them a chance to rectify them, of course

I don’t believe in fixing or mommying. I want to date adults

Too many women are desperate and would rather settle than be alone. And then, of course, they complain when they’ve sunk too much cost

I’m also not listing things like communication, empathy, kindness, human decency, etc, because those are things that are supposed to be a given with someone you, ya know, care about

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-05-01T02:13:24+00:00

For my husband and I, it's all about the fact that neither of us NEED a relationship for its own sake. We're with each other because we actually want the other person specifically.

Equivalent-Metal-165 · 2022-05-01T00:04:45+00:00

Someone uplifting and encouraging that tells me to hang in there, be positive, and not give up.

bubblytoes11 · 2022-05-01T01:48:42+00:00

The biggest thing that makes a successful relationship long term, in my opinion, is true commitment. This means that my partner and I place the health of our relationship over all other relationships. Valuing commitment let’s my wife and I feel very secure in our relationship and paves the way to solid communication. Solid communication means that we both know what the other needs. For example: my wife knows that I need her to do the dishes always. My step-father used dishes as a way to abuse me when I was a child, so I cannot emotionally handle the dishes. I felt safe communicating this to her. I knew she wasn’t going to leave me over having to do the dishes, and because we communicated clearly I knew she wouldn’t resent me. When my wife feels overwhelmed or her depression makes it too taxing to do dishes, we get disposable dishes. She knows not to ask me to do the dishes. Another example: I walk the dogs. My wife enjoys being able to wake up in the morning and not feel like oh I need to rush and get the dogs walked. I don’t care about walking the dogs. So that’s my job. She felt safe communicating this need. She knows we are committed, so that means we can bring up even the most ridiculous sounding needs and, as a team, we will figure out how to make sure that need is met. We both get to lead the lives we want (I get to live an adult life that doesn’t include doing the dishes; she gets to have dogs without having the responsibility of walking them). That means we are both very happy. And when you’re very happy, hard times don’t seem so hard. Strife and arguments almost never crop up because we are happy, we know we can be honest about our needs, and we know that we are both committed to the health of our relationship.

cloudsongs_ · 2022-05-01T02:53:37+00:00

Be friends. This encompasses a lot of things but I guess think about what makes your friendships last. You have good communication, you're able to talk about things very openly with one another and not take major offense if they give you constructive criticism. Be able to laugh, goof off and enjoy each other's companies
Be nice. Be respectful and loving to your partner. Find out their love language and share yours. Ensure that you're doing your part to make them feel loved
Align your goals. If you want a nuclear family but your partner doesn't, no matter how wonderful your partner is, you might ultimately resent them for not being to fulfill a lifelong goal. Be sure that your long term goals make sense together (and are achievable!).
Romance. Go out on dates, have sex. I think at some point, you feel super comfortable with your partner that you don't make the same effort as the first few dates. Dress up and make an event out of dates so that there's excitement. And you get to look nice for yourself and your partner.

TimtheToolManAsshole · 2022-05-01T23:11:33+00:00

Yes shared values & communication…. But I’m gonna go out on a limb and share an unpopular opinion: initial intense sexual attraction… if you don’t have it in the beginning… hard to muster it up later

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AstronautLoveShack · 2022-05-01T00:43:23+00:00

Find things to laugh about together even in the most grim situations.

Magnito-was-right · 2022-05-01T01:04:22+00:00

Have a lot in common so we enjoy doing things together, have regular sex where we both have orgasms, have some separate friends so we have other people who can also give us emotional support, have our own hobbies.

Ruben_the_Fish · 2022-05-01T01:49:03+00:00

Finding someone whom I love so much that I throw my own desires under the bus.

ppd_reject · 2022-05-01T01:56:17+00:00

Getting with someone you're compatible with and someone whose behavior or values you won't resent. Compatibility reduces conflict and reduces the chances of having to compromise at the expense of your priorities.

Being honest and sorting all small conflict right away before their cumulative effect hits you hard is also a must. If your partner said something you're not happy with, don't wait for the next fight to tell him.

Capital_Scratch4562 · 2022-05-01T02:02:14+00:00

Empathy 100%. This obviously ties to communication, but understanding your partner’s point of view on anything can do so much for your relationship. It allows you to be understanding, even during an argument, which is the key to communication!

Altruistic-Donkey496 · 2022-05-01T02:21:50+00:00

Been married for 16 years and before that dated about 8 years. You need to keep the intimacy,..I never realized that it was so important until later. It's not just about sex all the time, but touch and massages. When you get older your more sore after doing physical activity, so you yearn for a message. Also, let little things go...you never know how long you will be here. Get rid of the petty stuff. Keep separate spending accounts. Try new things in the bedroom too. No phones at meal times.

Willow-girl · 2022-05-01T04:05:15+00:00

Have a mission that you're both dedicated to and work on together.

Lysa_Bell · 2022-05-01T07:16:19+00:00

He puts my pleasure first, I put his pleasure first. In bed, in life, everywhere.

chalkandapples · 2022-05-01T08:49:55+00:00

I think relationships should be easy. I don’t think there’s a secret formula outside of 1) make sure you’re actually compatible (both of you acting at your most genuine level can make the other person happy) and 2) Be a good person.

Be a good person is basically the basics you learn in kindergarten. Be considerate and don’t be selfish. Treat your partner as a real person dear to you, not someone that’s just there to make you happy or fulfill your needs. Basic teamwork skills.

Anything else outside of that are just details that depends on your individual personalities and likes/dislikes. And talk to each other about what you want and what makes you happy, and listen.

Freelovehighway · 2022-05-01T10:51:07+00:00

Give good dick, maintain frame and hope someone better doesn't come along.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-05-01T11:10:12+00:00

Being kind Accepting their flaws and loving them Spend time together we do date night once a week. No phons no other people for those few hours. Have plenty of sex Laugh together life can be so hard at times Talk to each other when things are hard, if your angry upset etc tell them, no one is a mind reader Encourage them. We have both moved on so much since we have been together Do little things to make the other persons life easier

Reisiluu · 2022-05-01T16:20:43+00:00

Both people have to recognize when they're wrong and apologize for it. The flipside of this is forgiveness.

Choose your battles wisely. Money, chores and childcare duties don't have to be the hill to die on if you let go of unnecessary principles and standards of perfection and learn to compromise. The socks aren't in the hamper, and so what? Is it worth looking the love of your life in the eyes and talking to him with bitterness and anger?

Respect is necessary. Both should respect each other as a person and also each other's boundaries, preferences and needs.

Caring about your partner is the foundation of a relationship and nothing else matters if that's gone. It doesn't matter how long you've been married, finding out your loved one doesn't care about you or even hates you will 100% lead to a divorce.

Growing up together, if you start dating young. People who aren't finished maturing or don't have a lot of experience are going to make mistakes. They might not know how to communicate, they might not realise the effect they are having on their partner or they might be selfish. You can break up and get together with a more experienced person if mismatch is too much, but you will also end up with a more experienced partner by staying in your current relationship.

aslanhatessmeagol · 2022-05-02T01:47:20+00:00

Good communication.

flow3rpowr · 2022-05-03T00:43:11+00:00

Being charitable and forgiving. Both partners have flaws and you need to pick up the slack for areas your partner has a bit more of a weakness in.

dottywine · 2022-05-12T08:15:45+00:00

My man needs loving touch (like neck rubs, not speaking sexually) and words of affirmation. I give as much as possible daily.

I need... a lot lol. And he gives as much as he can.

What makes the relationship successful is the basic love needs we have are easy for each of us to give or learn to give. We enjoy meeting those needs. And we handle disputes as soon as we can.

Title	Women with successful relationships, what do you think is key to maintaining the relationship.
Author	Grappleheart
Upvotes	54
Comments	71
Date	April 30, 2022 11:50 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ufn80d/women_with_successful_relationships_what_do_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-with-successful-relationships-what-do-you.1113693 https://theredarchive.com/post/1113693

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