Let's say there was a reliable test to see if your male partner had ever cheated or would ever cheat on you. Would you use it, and would you judge other women negatively for using it? Also included in the test is if they've ever abused a woman in the past, or will abuse you in the future.

EulenWatcher · 2023-12-05T17:46:52+00:00

I get both sides with paternal tests - you can trust your partner all you want, but you still don't have a 100% confirmation that the kid is yours unlike women have. I can see how it can lead to anxiety especially if you've been cheated on before. I can also see how the idea that you could have not just cheated on your partner but also got knocked up by someone else is insulting when you've been carrying this pregnancy for 9 months and then suffered the childbirth. So I don't mind compulsory paternity tests, but I don't think they're a realistic or practical idea either. Men who have this fear/anxiety can get their baby tested without their partner's knowledge or they can explain their desire as an attempt to deal with their anxiety.

I stick to" trust but check" approach. If you feel the need to check, you probably should check. Being paranoid and having groundless worries sorted out is better than being a naïve person who was lied to. Both in case of cheating or paternity fraud imv.

Also your equivalent isn't a good one. Paternity test doesn't check future intentions or even past cheating - a woman can cheat and don't get knocked up by a wrong man. A more realistic and close equivalent would be a document showing whether a man has been married or had children before that also gets updated each year.

AngeCruelle · 2023-12-05T18:38:08+00:00

This is once again complicated for me as someone who's into ancestry testing which can expose infidelity but isn't the primary use for it.

I wouldn't do the past abuse one because my BF is a virgin with no prior relationships. I'll also go head and not do the future one because that sounds like some Minority Report shit with all kinds of obvious problems.

FaradayBurka · 2023-12-05T17:44:28+00:00

Test in secret, if you want. Men can get paternity tests in secret, go for it. I would not need to test my boyfriend for cheating.

Safinated · 2023-12-05T19:22:52+00:00

Yes, but unlike men with paternity tests, I wouldn’t announce it to the world, and I would expect to pay for it myself

I really don’t get what the fuss is over paternity tests. They exist, are easily available, usable and affordable — but dudes for some reason need women to know and give permission for their use, or for it to be provided for free

MistyMaisel · 2023-12-05T18:04:54+00:00

I'd never use it on my current partner unless there was some quite good reason to suspect infidelity. (I mean like, mountains of strange behavior and evidence). If I were to go down that path because of heavily suspected cheating, I would inform him to his face, not do it in secret.

If my current relationship fell apart (god forbid), I would absolutely be using it on almost every man as precursor to the first date. There's no reason to be secure in someone I have no relationship or connection to. And I'd be happy to let them know I'd done so prior to our date. If they feel offended by my lack of blind trust in a stranger, then what can I say, they ain't the one for me. I'd encourage they run one on me as well.

SlothMonster9 · 2023-12-05T19:24:55+00:00

If I had serious reasons to think those things, I would do the test, privately. But if we are all good and happy together, if he hasn't given me any reason and I would still go do the test because "i trust you honey, but a woman can never be sure", i belive he has every right to feel very very hurt. I'm imagining this would be a very hard thing to get over as a couple.

flosterjenkins · 2023-12-05T21:46:11+00:00

I'd only want that test if I didn't trust them to not cheat or not be an abuser. I'd need actual reasons to suspect him of abuse before taking it

I would not ask the government to force all men to go through the test

I would accept that the husband, if not a cheater or abuser, would be insulted that I don't trust him at all, and may want a divorce if he found out about the test

jamie29ky · 2023-12-05T19:36:57+00:00

I would not use the test. I have been with him for almost 10 years. If he was going to cheat or hit me, it would have happened by now. It would be a stupid waste of time, only proving my own insecurities and projections I have put onto my partner with no real justification besides my own fucked up mental state.

A paternity test is not what you described. All you find out is if your partner cheated on the day the baby was conceived. If you have reason to believe they cheated, the test will not prove it unless it comes back as not yours. If you have suspicion and it comes back as your baby, you will continue to have suspicion because all you've proven is whose sperm met the egg. If you dont have suspicion, or have suspicion for no reason whatsoever, all you will do is ruin whats left of your relationship, which might actually be good if youre sooooo convinced that she has done something wrong.

I dont know why so many men who dont have children, or a woman for that matter, are so obsessed with getting everyone to agree they should have a paternity test. If you want one, get one. No one will stop you. But if your woman leaves after that because you broke the trust in your relationship, that's a natural consequence of your actions, and you will live with it.

frogsgoribbit737 · 2023-12-05T20:01:52+00:00

Can we stop fucking talki g about paternity tests. Jesus fucking christ. Why is it coming up every day?

No, unless I had a suspiscion I would not use that test. I do not have a suspsicion so I wouldnt use it. We already have shit like that. Its called snooping and spying and paying a private investigator.

Also a paternity test doesnt even guarantee you an answer to that question. A woman could be cheating on you but still be pregnant with your baby. They also might not be cheating on you and not be pregnant with your baby (rape, fertility treatments, etc) Its not a cheating test.

sublimemongrel · 2023-12-05T19:00:40+00:00

I don’t give a shit if my husband wanted a paternity test but no I’d have no real desire to use this unless there was some reason to suspect infidelity on his part (which there has not been).

froderenfelemus · 2023-12-05T21:30:55+00:00

I mean, I wouldn’t care for the test, unless he actively didn’t want to do it, because he would seem like he was hiding something.

He should be more than willing to take the test in my eyes

DreaminInChocolate · 2023-12-05T18:43:29+00:00

I would never need a test like that. Your ass is already gone if I think you're capable of doing that.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-12-05T20:52:26+00:00

I haven't cared about this when I've known about psdt besting or cheating and you can always be the first time he cheats or beats so I see no reason for this. it's a poor comparison amd there's n9 way to make you idiots understand the weight of a paternity accusation on your post party wife who has just carried and birthed your child

ughtheinternet · 2023-12-05T17:44:14+00:00

This is a false equivalency though.

If there was a test about whether he was cheating on me RIGHT NOW, I would absolutely not order it. That's more equivalent to a paternity test.

EDIT: This answer applies to my situation right now. If I had real reason to suspect a partner was cheating, I may order it in secret. And fwiw I would advise a man to get a paternity test if he had real reason to suspect his partner was cheating.

If there was a test for whether he had ever or would ever cheat, I'd probably run it on everyone after 1-3 dates. And I'd probably tell them about it in advance and encourage them to run one on me. 🤷‍♀️

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-12-05T20:10:59+00:00

Well, let's say there was a simple cheap test that you could secretly apply for online, which would show if your male partner would ever cheat or abuse a woman (including you), or has in the past. Would you personally use it, and would you expect other women to use it?

Nope, he's never given me any reason to suspect that he's the kind of person to cheat or abuse anyone. I have been in some relationships where I would have availed myself of that test but, surprisingly to nobody, those relationships were with people who did end up cheating or being emotionally abusive.

If someone thinks they need a test like that, I'd suggest they get it. If you think you need it because they've done something that gives you the suspicion of some alleged bad action, go for it. If you have no reason to suspect them at all but you still find yourself being suspicious enough to test them, you can still do that but I would understand why your partner would be upset. If someone has shown you nothing but love, compassion, and support, it's understandable why they'd be offended if you accused them of secretly being this manipulative abusive shitheel.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-12-06T02:39:24+00:00

Would I use it? I’m not sure. Would I understand if my partner wanted to leave if he found out I used it? Yes.

Do I think women should “immediately leave” their partner if he wants a paternity test? No, that’s a personal decision. Do I understand if they do decide to leave based on that information? Yes.

Bottom line is I understand the “trust but verify” approach. But you also have to accept how your partner might feel about you wanting to verify something, and that you can’t control their reaction. This is one of those things you really should be on the same page with from the start.

chalkandapples · 2023-12-05T19:42:42+00:00

I would use it without feeling too bad about it if the relationship is new-ish (committed relationship is a very wide range, can range all the way from just a new bf to married with kids).

Once this guy starts feeling more like family, so closer to marriage, say maybe if I was given the option to have this test right before marriage as a last check before getting married to this guy. Then I would still use it, let my fiancé know that I'm doing it, with full knowledge and responsibility of what the implication of that is and deal with the consequences of it.

Men shouldn't be shamed out of using a paternity test if they want to get one. It's a very powerful tool there to solve one of the biggest biological disadvantages men have. But asking for one does have implications you can't ignore or try to convince women to feel ok about it if they're not. Actions have consequences, that shouldn't stop you from doing the action if it's important enough to you, but you can't negotiate away the consequences against other people's will or feelings.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-12-05T18:58:22+00:00

No, there's no need and I wouldn't want to either keep secrets from my partner or tell him I thought he was cheating when I don't. I wouldn't care about if others used it unless they were going around lying or accusing people of things in a way I thought was wrong in which case I would speak up, or it ended up affecting me. If someone doesn't want to be distrusted by their partner then fair enough as well.

Legitimate_Author289 · 2023-12-05T20:07:01+00:00

Depends if I trusted my partner or not. If I didn’t then I’d probably get the test

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FineDevelopment00 · 2023-12-06T00:33:55+00:00

I don't personally feel the need for this test as I married an honest man but if I had valid cause to take it I would. I wouldn't demand it on a whim and I wouldn't expect it to be government-mandated though, like so many of the guys in this subreddit are doing with paternity tests (which are already readily available to any guy who feels the need for one and without even being required to notify the mother at that, so the above scenario should be likewise laid out if it's truly equivalent to the real-life paternity test situation.)

And I say all of that as someone who doesn't easily trust people in general... but then I thoroughly vetted my husband before we got married; I wouldn't marry anyone I didn't already trust in the first place. And I never did any premarital hooking up, which saved me a lot of unnecessary trouble. I advise everyone in here do the same on both counts if they're actually serious about monogamous commitment (but these are your decisions to make and whatever consequences that ensue are yours to reap.)

thelajestic · 2023-12-06T00:47:52+00:00

Would you use it,

Nope

and would you judge other women negatively for using it

Yeah probably

I can totally get the point of this if it's some magical all seeing thing that will let you know in advance before you invest any time/feelings into a someone, but once you're already in the relationship what's the point. Surely you'd only think to use it once they actually give you cause to think there's an issue, at which point that ship has sailed anyway. It's no different to checking someone's phone or getting random STD checks to make sure they're not cheating on you; kinda batshit behaviour and a strong demonstration of you not having any trust in the relationship. What's the point of even being in the relationship at that point?

relish5k · 2023-12-06T04:23:44+00:00

No. If he cheats on me but I’m none the wiser then I don’t care. If he gets lazy and gets caught he’s a goner. I trust him not to cheat on me tho or at least for him not to be sloppy about it.

But like…how could he even cheat on me? We both work from home, we spend 90% of our waking hours in the same space and about 99% of our sleeping hours together. We do probably 90% of our socializing together. If he somehow managed to cheat on me I would be upset, but also surprised and a bit impressed on how he could pull it off.

The way he has treated me in the past tho is all I need to feel confident about his likelihood to cheat or be abusive.

ohdiddly · 2023-12-06T04:30:56+00:00

No. This is like a self fulfilling prophecy. If you got results that you didn't want to hear, you would start treating him differently, which will inevitably lead to relationship issues down the line.

If you know your partner well and have good communication, a test like this wouldn't be necessary in the first place. Same goes for paternity tests.

tawny-she-wolf · 2023-12-06T10:31:19+00:00

I wouldn't because I trust him. If I didn't I'd just leave.

SweetConfident9091 · 2023-12-06T18:52:23+00:00

Not every man asks for a paternity test, but when it's done the partner usually has a reason to or suspecion. Well yes, akward if the kid is still his and the woman has every right to be mad at him for not trusting her. Same would be true with this test. If there was a reason I would do it, maybe without even a specific reason, but before marriage just to make sure. I would inform him about it. I would also understand if he would be mad at me, or take back the engagement. I wouldn't judge others for using it neither. And this is true to the paternity test too.

apresonly · 2023-12-07T22:07:17+00:00

I'd use it before commitment.

It depends how much it would blow my life up and what else is going on with me as to whether i'd do it years into a relationship.

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