Is the online dating phenomenon reflective of real life?

HTML_Novice · 2024-02-02T01:07:22+00:00

People claim that women’s attraction works different than men’s, and that they don’t take a cursory glance at men and decide wether or not they’re attracted.

So in their logic, dating apps aren’t real life because women’s attraction system doesn’t connect well with how dating apps work. Women need to talk to men and get a feel for their personality and all that before they can decide they’re attracted.

Is this true? In my opinion not at all. I live in an extremely dense city and I very very often overhear women’s conversations where they talk about men’s looks, what they do or don’t like about them. The amount of times I’ve heard women go “but he’s tall!!” Or “I know he looks goofy but he’s 6’4”.

I’m pretty sure women do have immediate trigger attraction, but the dude has to be tall for it to trigger

campskills21 · 2024-02-02T01:44:52+00:00

What girls look for on dating apps (in order):

- Attractive face, height, and appealing body
- Backgrounds in pictures that express a fun or luxurious lifestyle
- Verifying your career through online search, projected income, finding LinkedIn
- Does he have kids or not
- Finding socials/insta, they want to see more than 6 pictures, and who follows him
- Is he the best looking guy in group pictures
- Level of balding
- Racial preferences
- Age

This is all they got to go on to take an entire night out and meet a guy. If they meet you in person and you exchange socials or numbers you got at least twice the chance as a dating app. Problem is, they probably got better options if they are using a dating app.

OrdinaryFarmer · 2024-02-02T01:13:57+00:00

When people say it doesn't represent life, they seem to think that dating apps and online dating is in a completely separate plane of existence. But it's not. Literally if a girl finds a 6'6" Chad to be in a situationship with from a dating app, and goes around to brag and show him off to all her friends, they would now feel jealous, like they are missing out, will be more inclined to search for a guy that matches that level. Even if they were not on dating apps themselves, they were affected from one of their friends using it.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2024-02-02T01:13:28+00:00

“Women only finding a small portion of men attractive and men finding a large majority of women attractive enough to sleep with.”

This is true because you are focusing on who is willing to have sex/sleep around. Sex with a stranger is more risky and less satisfying for women so it’s no surprise women in general are less focused on finding a man who is only attractive enough to sleep with. And you’re right dating apps aren’t doing well because men on the apps are looking to order women like they order a pizza (hot, cheap and ready to go). The difference is if a man wants something more meaningful then he will have to look irl because everyone knows old is for hookups/sugar babies.

Geselshaft · 2024-02-02T01:40:21+00:00

If they don’t represent real life then explain the people using them.

It absolutely reflects real life because real people are involved.

There is no difference.

TotalTravesty · 2024-02-02T01:03:22+00:00

It’s reflective of real life insofar as real life people participate in it (along with a shitload of bots). But the interface, conventions, and “rules” of it are such a weak simulation at best of real life that no reasonable user should expect the same experience if they put down the phone and tried dating some other way.

It’s like going to a party and expecting all the same personalities, upvoting, post-and-response conversation structure, and other trappings of a Reddit thread. I’d burn that entire party to the ground within five minutes.

solstice-sky · 2024-02-02T01:40:54+00:00

The cost of mating is much higher for women. Women are inherently more selective as a result. Men being willing to sleep with most women isn’t a good trait, I don’t know why it’s presented as such.

The average man isn’t invisible to women, the average man is married or in a long term partnership.

MongoBobalossus · 2024-02-02T01:18:00+00:00

“Average” people are everywhere, and they’re having sex and they’re coupled up.

You’d know this if you went outside.

AidsVictim · 2024-02-02T03:33:52+00:00

It's not exactly the same but it's generally reflective of social behaviors.

IRL gives men better chances IF they're social successful/have a social circle. This is much more attractive to women than just being a little bit more physically attractive than the next guy (of course very handsome men can do whatever).

Otherwise men will have about equal or maybe even better odds on OLD. OLD was originally for less socially successful people in the first place. While women will (correctly) say there's a lot more context IRL that determine a mans attractiveness vs just a picture on OLD, it's almost all tied to being socially successful in the first place.

slazengerx · 2024-02-02T04:01:10+00:00

yet the only men she finds attractive is 1 or 2 men, the very tall and handsome men. The rest of the men there are completely invisible

Yes, unless they engage in conversation all women have to go on are looks. Personal interaction is the key to attracting a woman if you're not in the top quintile or decile in terms of looks. Women will become sexually attracted to a guy who's not in that top group if he pushes the right buttons during that interaction. And that's very tough to do online.

The average man is invisible to women

I'd say more like 80% (and maybe more) of men are invisible to women from the standpoint of stand-alone physical attraction. It's the interaction that can change that state of affairs for the individual guy. Again, tough to do online.

Such is life. Learn to love it.

Critical_Corner_1859 · 2024-02-02T07:31:39+00:00

If you're really willing to have sex with just about any body, you aren't a healthy person, you're either desperate/frustrated oe hypersexual.

We need to stop describing male sexuality like this. Male sexuality absolutely isn't like this, and men are capable of seeing women as more than things to have sex with, and capable of monogamy.

Throwwaway4970 · 2024-02-02T09:05:12+00:00

You don't understand something. You think women think like men. Even if a woman thinks a man is attractive he is just a stranger. Women don't trust or want to have sex with total strangers usually, unlike men.

I'm very attractive and I got at times intense looks from women at the gym, even if these cases cold approach won't work because you are just an attractive stranger, nothing else.

Men with these set of beliefs prove their lack of real world experience.

shockingly_bored · 2024-02-02T09:47:42+00:00

Dating apps are catered to women's desires, and therefore embody women's real life attractions on steroids. The more I see and hear and read, the more I am convinced of this.

If you are unsuccessful in real life, apps won't save you, and if you are killing it on the apps with women, you could do something in real life.

TRTGymBro · 2024-02-02T14:31:35+00:00

Men and women are attracted to very different things. Men are attracted almost purely to the physical aspects of a woman.

Why is that? Well, if the purpose of sexual attraction is to motivate us to procreate and continue the species, men are incentivized to pick women who they think will be good for having a healthy baby. All the things that men look at and feel attracted to in women are things that are associated with reproductive fitness. A woman's butt and hips contain omega 3 fats that are essential in the development of a healthy baby's brain, her hip to waist ratio informs us if she will have an easier pregnancy. Her breast size tells us that she has appropriate fat reserves to carry a baby even in times of food scarcity. On the other hand, if a woman has visceral fat around her waist, it tells us that she is unhealthy and not good for having a baby. Same for skin and hair health. Etc.

When a woman looks at a man, she cares much less about his physical attributes because the man doesn't have to carry a baby. She still find a man who is strong and toned attractive, because he would be someone who can intimidated male competitors or chase away wild animals or hunt successfully. But most of all, she is trying to determine if a man is of a high enough status.

But here is the problem with status. Social status, as in status that is achieved through socially approved criteria, which by the way change from culture to culture and even in subcultures (for example, a tattooed emo guy who paints his nails black may be perceived high status in goth circles and be popular with alt and goth girls, but put that guy in a sorority house with a bunch of bimbos and he will be laughed out), is attractive to women. But it can change from woman to woman depending on what she perceives high status. A woman who follows TikTok may perceive height as having high status. Another one may perceive the guy with the expensive car as high status. Another woman who is into her core fitness may only want a steroid muscle swole guy and wouldn't even look at a guy who is otherwise in good shape.

But the thing that usually trumps all of this social status thing is how a man behaves and feels about himself. The reality is the majority of men perceive themselves as down here and attractive women as up there. The man is inferior, the woman is superior (the proverbial pedestal). So they may try to overcompensate for their perceived inferiority by trying to act impressive, tough, trying to get attention, OR they may take the route of cowering in the corner because they are too intimidated to even try.

Whatever behavioral route they take, one thing is clear - they perceive themselves as lower status than the woman and the woman senses that, because she has evolved to sense low status men. That's why women say "where are all the good guys". They are lamenting the fact that they are surrounded by men who perceive themselves as inferior to her, which means that they are off the menu for her. The only men who are left either have the coveted social status (not many of these guys out there) or even rarer: the guys who perceive themselves as equal to her regardless of their social status.

One of my best friends in high school was that last guy. He didn't play any sports. He didn't come from a wealthy family. As a matter of fact, he usually didn't have two pennies to rub together. He wasn't particularly muscular or academically gifted. Yet, he never idealized women and clearly perceived himself as a quality guy. Women loved him! He always had girls. He even banged a couple of girls behind their boyfriend's backs although these guys were higher social status than he was, as in they were athletes or had a lot of money.

In college, he had women buy him drinks and take him out just so they can fuck him. He was just as broke then.

Now of course, the cynics in you will ask how tall he was, how good looking he was, etc. He is about my height and he is a decent looking guy, but nothing to write home about. There were certainly better looking and taller guys than him in high school who didn't get a fraction of the play he did. The only way I can explain his success is how he perceived himself. He has never said about a girl "wow she's hot, I'm not worthy of her". As a matter of fact, he had a very realistic view of women and understood that most of them are just lonely, bored, often broken and fucked up people who are looking for the same thing that guys are - some good sex, some love and someone who understands them.

If you want to know how you can have better success with women, it starts with taking them off the pedestal, and starting to change your own perception of yourself. You need to challenge your current perception and do things that will make you change your perception of you. If you challenge yourself to do something you haven't done before and you do it, your perception of you changes. From the guy who couldn't do something to the guy who now can. And your self respect and confidence grows. But you need to lush yourself and challenge yourself.

At the same time, stop looking to women to solve your problems and make you happy. They can't! They aren't some goddesses that hold the key to your everlasting happiness. Sure, you think if you go tether with a hot girl that the sexy would be amazing and everyone would be so jealous of you for dating her. That may or may not be true, but it won't actually change how happy you are. Because the only person who ca b make you happy is you. The more you put women on the pedestal and believe they can make you happy and fulfilled, the less you will get them, because you perceive yourself as lower status and they will see you as lower status as well.

SlowEffective8146 · 2024-02-02T16:44:04+00:00

The mental gymnastics involved in saying that OLD isn't representative of real life. OLD is the new method of meeting people for singles. Anyone who says it's not representative clearly hasn't dated in 10+ years and is just out of touch.

darkwindhowls · 2024-02-02T01:50:46+00:00

Most women are not on dating apps. The figures regarding online dating are often conflated to interpret 'met online' as 'met online on a dating app.' which is false. Someting like 10-20% of women use dating apps.
In real life women are limited to their social circles and/or the odd man who cold approaches her.
Dating apps self-select for a certain class of women who tend to be more promiscuous and extroverted.

The fact of the matter is that the sample size of a gym, a bar, a club, etc. simply will not produce the outliers that a dating app/online produces. Hence. the real life options of women are far more "reasonable" and constrained by her ability to receive invitations into certain social groups.

Two different worlds. For many other reasons as well

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2024-02-02T01:52:34+00:00

So men would fuck basically anything and that’s supposed to be something to strive for?

IRL you gave more to go on than a couple of photos. You get the sound of their voice, their posture, the way they smell, the way they stand, their mannerisms. You get to see how you vibe off each other from the get. You even bypass the texting phase. It’s 100% better

cuti3pi3_ · 2024-02-02T01:07:53+00:00

average looking IS ok looking. what’s the difference?

Safinated · 2024-02-02T01:02:35+00:00

Of course they aren’t

Most people in real life aren’t single or looking to cheat.

And that’s what you have to spend time and effort on in real life that you don’t with OLD — filtering out all the people who aren’t available

lolthankstinder · 2024-02-02T03:13:49+00:00

The phenomena influencing dating apps don’t magically disappear in real life. They’re just harder to quantify and observe.

What Type of Person Would Agree to Have Sex with a Stranger?.

learn2earn89 · 2024-02-02T03:55:24+00:00

One thing I want to mention here…true, women find a smaller percentage of men attractive, but I have to stress the fact that what I find attractive is not what my friends find attractive. I have friends who think some dude is hot (not muscular or tall) and I don’t. The guy I currently have a thing for is “meh” to my friends.

wtknight · 2024-02-02T02:31:54+00:00

it's not reflective of real life because women don't always decide if they are attracted to a man right away or not. A lot of the time women will need to get to know an average guy before deciding if she's attractive or not. Women don't always work like men where they just see almost any woman and instantly feel sexual attraction. This is why women always advise men to try to find social groups where they can hang around with and interact with women.

SteveSan82 · 2024-02-02T04:44:51+00:00

Not reality. A muscled up guy with good looks has a lower chance over a guy with more confidence

Cethlinnstooth · 2024-02-02T02:49:01+00:00

"Is the online dating phenomenon reflective of real life?"

So you are attempting to solve this question through playing with it as a logic puzzle rather than... having experienced enough variety of real life experiences to make a proper comparison.

Sigh. A really loud SIGH.

Go out there and live, young man.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-02-02T07:46:39+00:00

In real life there is an equal amount of men and women. On apps there is not and women continue to be driven off them. On apps you get a picture and a few sentences and basic stats that may or may not be true and that's it. If you want to meet someone it's probably to hook up, whereas in real life there are many more options that are more likely. On apps you can try to meet someone who doesn't actually exist or is a completely different person to who you thought. Just some very relevant differences.

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Spread-Em-Plz · 2024-02-02T01:33:09+00:00

Reflective in one way is that someone has to be using the apps; and those people don’t appear out of the aether

But the stakes, soft skills needed, methodology, and basically EVERYTHING needed completely changes between OLD and IRL

A few examples/reasons here

Someone who can craft witty messages to send and flirts well over text, might completely fold and stumble over his words in person (vice versa happens too but probably isn’t as big of an issue)
It’s a bit harder to catfish irl than it is with a couple pictures
Picking up someone’s “vibe” in real life is much easier, and can actually make a lot of difference as to how attractive you find someone
Talking or flirting irl gives you an inherent edge because most people (at least Gen Z) statistically won’t but on OLD the sheer volume makes you more or less another number
Someone can find you hot, swipe right on you, annnnnd then put the phone down and proceed to forget the app for a while, which effectively leads to nothing happening. But OTOH it’s a lot harder for a girl to forget about “the hot guy who flirted with her at xyz” or for a guy to forget the cutie he exchanges numbers with

I could go on all day but I really think this needn’t any further explanation

A LOT of it comes down to the fact that at the end of the day, OLD apps are still algorithms and lines of code; this can only be so reflective of real life before the glaring differences become noticeable

Frankly almost any person with normal social instincts should be able to know this off rip

five10manlet · 2024-02-02T01:48:22+00:00

Most people now meet online for both long-term relationships and hookups, so online IS in fact real life. Even if it were not and in the cases where it isn't, it would still affect IRL dating dynamics since it creates market pressures. Which is why women's standards for appearance and physicality have gone up, even for men they meet IRL.

itm4l2000 · 2024-02-02T02:49:03+00:00

No. Not in my experience.

I have been asked out by women multiple times in real life, for the main part when women ask a man out it's different, they say subtle prompts where the man has to make the initiative.

Men and women differ how they pursue one another.

In every case, social proof was always established.

You can do this online to some degree but in real life it's more bona-fide.

My advice to men is to have genuine platonic relationships with multiple women from different social circles. This approach is so much easier than paying for a premium membership on dating sites.

Advice is equally applicable to women, make platonic relationships with multiple men across different social circles.

SamanthaNicola · 2024-02-02T08:00:18+00:00

To be perfectly honest, if I'm at the gym, I don't pay attention to anyone. I zone out and do my workout. Most of the people you see I'm real life are average and plenty of them are attractive. I have rarely seen anyone in real life who looks like these Instagram profiles and online dating profiles. I think men are probably more visual and look around more, but in my experience, even single girls aren't really looking. we are usually focusing on what we are doing. In real life, it starts with an introduction and a conversation with face to face conversations. There is so much more you see and pick up like body language and vibe. I've seen plenty of normal guys get relationships in the real world. Online dating doesn't want you to come off their sites. They want to keep you on there, the algorithms, and the way the sites are designed, especially with Tinder removes the way people communicate and evaluate each other it removes conversation and connection to the point where its just here's 1 pic yes or no and answer quickly. The majority of the women I know who used OLD stopped because they would get a dick pick before the guy even said hi or would go straight to asking for sex. That is completely different to how the conversation would go in real life. Most of the convos on OLD are just cringe.

Saying that I've not been single for over a decade, so maybe that's why I don't really pay attention to any of them and just focus on what I'm doing.

Agile-Explanation263 · 2024-02-02T22:57:31+00:00

The more technology is intergrated into society, the more dating apps are just like real life.

Everyone quite literally theoretically (more consistently women) have a date waiting for them in thier pocket. Its alot more raw now than ever before because uou are competing with dating apps,social media and people around you so people in general have higher standards.

I also honestly believe this is linked to the obesity rate and more lack of care in ones self/depression related to dating. You have to start competing far more early now to continue and grow to have a chance without serious stress from diets exercise, skin care, hair care, fashion.

Seriously, someone may become obese or care less from middle school to highschool experiences. The outright reasons are more obvious but this can occur with something as simple as never being picked or being said yes to having a date, people rating and talking about you in comparrison to other classmates.

You can try and play this off with "oh you shouldnt want them anyway" but even this experience can warp peoples perception. This results in example of most men on dating apps not knowing how to take better pictures or build and sell a profile well. Or women using dating apps as a coping mechanism for low selfesteem.

pternal · 2024-02-02T23:55:45+00:00

The online world basically is the real world nowadays

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2024-02-03T03:25:35+00:00

I would argue that it's irrelevant if it's compatible to the outside or not, as the fact I'd the matter OLD is a intrinsic part of modern day dating so it has to be relevant.

The fact of the matter is that OLD is the single largest way couples meet each in the modern day and it's effects can be felt across the whole market.

Before when you wanted to meet someone you would go the bar, club, event, etc. Now most women considered it harassment because they just want to do their thing they are their for and not get hit on.

Women have unlimited access to men on OLD (and don't understand how complete garbage the male side is) and are therefore rejection the notion that outside is even "the time and place" to be receptive and the only receptive place now it on OLD

Just because it's a toxic environment doesn't mean you get to ignore it.

Cherish_Lifee · 2024-02-04T22:34:06+00:00

Why only talk dating apps you can basically say is the internet real life now with instagram, facebook, snapchat, youtube etc.

The answer to that question is unfornately yes maybe in 2010 you could ignore all sorts of apps and social media but in 2024 you simply cant without missing out it seems.(this comes from someone that doenst use social media)

The problem is so many people are using it and it has gained such immense importance to the point your social media following can make you a multi millionaire.

Hell all the businesses that i know since i was a little kid advertise on social media now. If i ever start a business i might be advertising on social media and making money doing so.

I dont know if it can get any more "real" than that also the amount of people meeting in schools, on the job, what have you has gone down significantly over the last decades while people meeting via social media and dating apps exploded and those are the most likely methodes people get to know each other now.

If most pay say i met my life partner via a dating app idk how you could deny it being "real" or having "real life" impact.

Title	Is the online dating phenomenon reflective of real life?
Author	ShelterNo2786
Upvotes	25
Comments	109
Date	February 2, 2024 12:57 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1agqzx9/is_the_online_dating_phenomenon_reflective_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-the-online-dating-phenomenon-reflective-of-real.1244374 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244374

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