Lawyer told me in a divorce I’d be financially wrecked. Wife is emotionally gone. Any dads survive getting hit with this reality?

WudyaSayHuh · 2025-12-10T12:14:27+00:00

She is already plotting. Look for any large transactions that could be associated with a retainer fee. If you’re in a small town like me, you better lawyer up first because this can get tricky if she hires the better lawyer before you.

Absolutely start counseling individually asap. This looks good on you and in the event of GAL involvement or mandatory psych eval you can already come with a clean bill of sale. This will also help you keep your cool when she tries to get you fired up emotionally to create evidence for the mandatory abuse allegations she will absolutely use as leverage against you (expect this regardless of how gentle you are, her lawyer will have her make up stories against you and have her exaggerate real stories of conflict to make you seem emotionally, verbally and even physically abusive)

I also recommend getting written statements on your fitness as a father from people who know you closely. I had about 20 letters I submitted from family, friends who have jobs in social work, counseling, or education, etc. Decide what kind of father you want to be now. Part time? Full time? This is what will ultimately cost you long term. Your final custody orders will be punched into a calculator and will spit out an amount you must pay in child support each month. You’ll also have to pay spousal support for quite a while, this isn’t going to change (assuming you are the bread winner in the family) just know you’re splitting all assets 50/50. This means you have to buy her out of the house, cars, investments accounts including retirement. (However you can try and settle she will not) and remember even if you get 50/50 in the end as I also did, you’ll still have child support if she is not working or even has a lower paying job than you.

Also, don’t forget her lawyer will use every loophole to extend this divorce for as long as possible which will keep you paying higher rates of spousal support and child support before the final orders are written. You will also be made to pay for her legal fees. If you want 50/50 custody you have to fight for it and achieve it in temporary orders or you will likely not win anything more than what was in the temporary orders in the beginning of the divorce. Don’t be afraid to play the same games against her. Screen shot her texts, start journaling about her anger and malice, any events you can remember where she laid hands on you or emotionally/verbally abused you. Make yourself look like the better parent on paper to help break the courts mother preference.

Remember, the court doesn’t give a shit about you or your ex. They are there to broker the financial split and the only party that is cared about is the children. They will do everything to keep them in a stable environment. So be the stable present father who loves unconditionally, helps with homework, is present in the extracurricular activities, and make sure you take them to the dentist and doctor for their checkups. If your ex has been doing it, take over now. And get your kids into counseling asap, even just do family counseling with them regardless of if your ex shows up or not.

I know it’s a lot, but I did my very best in a nasty 3 year battle and in the end, I lost everything financially. But, I also got 50/50 custody and I recovering quicker than I expected to. I still have a bitter ex who will do anything to try and get me worked up, but I just stay disengaged and never talk bad about her to my kids. I’m the stable household, I am the better parent, and I’m never going to slip for my kids sake.

Flow1944 · 2025-12-05T22:20:04+00:00

She not emotionally gone,she is plotting and she will strike like lightning be ready, she will not care how ruined you are so don’t expect her to be amicable.

Particular_Car7127 · 2025-12-04T21:33:53+00:00

No court can take what you don't provide. You fear financial ruin? Then stop being the lifestyle wallet she does'nt deserve. Lower your cost of living, sell assets, work less, more me time. In CA, you can just let the high cost of everything do the dirty work for you.

AdventurousTrash1645 · 2025-12-04T21:00:01+00:00

I went through a divorce in CA and I'm financially ruined. I'm a financial slave now.

BigBubbaMac · 2025-12-04T17:23:53+00:00

My lawyer didn't tell me that directly but we did discuss possible outcomes. Best and worst. So I did come to that realization through that discussion.

Considering all the circumstances and if the judge is reasonable and actually considers what the best interest of our daughter is, I definitely don't think the judge will rule for the worst but I am mentally prepared.

RCougar · 2025-12-04T16:28:40+00:00

Move out of California and file for divorce in another state. It’s your only hope of getting a better outcome.

Sea_Recognition7635 · 2025-12-04T14:26:30+00:00

Stack cash. Hidden. Cold hard cash. Have perhaps a parent or someone you can trust keep it in THEIR safety deposit box etc. I didn't have much thru my divorce tried funneling all of my income thru my individual robin hood portfolio...they found it.

SurvivorFamilyCourt · 2025-12-04T14:24:07+00:00

Been through the same. First - understand it’s the anxiety putting all these thoughts into your head. Men get through divorces and go on with their lives perfectly fine. Second family lawyers are some of most unethical, disgusting people on the planet. They have no idea how a judge is going to rule or what any outcome will be. They can’t read the future. Empower yourself with knowledge about family law. Document everything and start building a case that will protect you and your children. Stick to facts don’t get sucked into emotional, anxiety driven interactions with your ex. Think about joint counseling or if not possible get yourself into counseling. The online BS of “men don’t have a chance, the courts are against men” is just that BS. Be the best father you can be. Take care of your own needs and have hope and confidence.

johnb_123 · 2025-12-04T14:11:09+00:00

The one thing in your control is the finances. Move to Nevada for work. It only takes 6 weeks to establish residency for purposes of divorce. Then you have a fighting chance- the laws there are much more favorable.

The other option is to somehow get a post nup. You already know how to use ChatGPT so work on that and an angle that may entice her.

hikeruntravellive · 2025-12-04T13:07:40+00:00

Based on what you wrote it seems lawyer is correct. Can you get her to start working before you file? This will alleviate some of the alimony and add her money to half the stash.

ObjectiveSalt1635 · 2025-12-04T11:59:30+00:00

Honestly it sounds like you need to just go slow and stack up as much cash as you can for your new life. Yes half that stack could go to her but you need to prepare as best that you can. I would pay down debt and make your financial life as clean as you can as well. Just hold on and get ready. They do not usually come back from the emotional dead zone. Hit the gym and work on yourself and ignore her as best you can.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2025-12-04T11:46:33+00:00

And you live in California. That’s a big issue here.

serkovavantgarden · 2025-12-04T10:41:11+00:00

The starting point is

Is she a stay at home mom?

Are you filing?

If so, then your lawyer is right

Cool_Marionberry7132 · 2025-12-04T09:57:49+00:00

You need to consult with more attorneys, dont just take the word of one person. The first attorney I was ‘referred to by a friend’ ended up being one of the trashy asshole attorneys. Even said so in his schpeel to me. He said it was going to be about 100k, knew a shit ton about my job/industry and was basically feeling me out for how much he could siphon. I consulted a few more and went with the one that Instilled the most confidence. My ex went full silver bullet divorce strategy and by all considerations I won, cost about $20k. Im not in CA though.

---Right--Tackle--- · 2025-12-04T09:01:13+00:00

Can you separate, move out and live separate lives without getting divorced? For all intents and purposes, you ARE separated. This way it would allow you to start a new life, see other people, and continue taking care of your kids, without being formally divorced in the courts.

Melynthos1492 · 2025-12-04T08:47:50+00:00

Could you force you wife to get a job, say sales is slowing down. Or move to another more favorable state for “work”

smooth-vegetable-936 · 2025-12-04T06:44:35+00:00

I settled with her . Hired a non contested attorney to write everything down and file etc. she signed over a lot and I gave her whatever she wanted. We are actually doing fantastic and care for our kids and we have decided to be together without any legal paperwork stating anything about marriage. She makes her money and I’m too . It wasn’t the end of the world as long as u can work things out without letting the court or lawyers decide for you. Make sure ur state doesn’t recognize common law practice.

Difficult_Animal2609 · 2025-12-04T06:32:31+00:00

Attempt mediation? My buddy recently got divorced (L.A. area), and just settled via mediation.

I thought he was toast: 2 kids, wife using biz acct as piggy bank + she had no real job. Dad doing most at home and work.

He settled via mediation where my divorce has no end in sight. I thought no way mediation would work for him as wife is out there, but she capitulated.

That_Cup_3858 · 2025-12-04T06:22:37+00:00

Took me ten years to recovery financially. Payed cs till kids were 21. There would be lots more divorces if people could afford it.

Mysterious-Art8838 · 2025-12-04T05:26:25+00:00

You really think divorce would leave you homeless ‘or worse’? I’ve never heard of that happening. In CA

Aggravating_Chip3285 · 2025-12-04T03:47:45+00:00

Then they want to know why men delete themselves . I’m going to therapy , but can’t fathom a future where I can’t even afford a place to live . I’m also commissioned based sales , where the court could give a fuck if I had a bad month . I’m so beyond myself with this situation that I don’t know how to cope. Thank you for your messages .

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2025-12-04T03:47:23+00:00

Talk to at least 5 attorneys

Divorce is expensive but worth it

I was in CA, married 20y, she didn’t work, two kids.

I had to work a night job hosting karaoke at night to make ends meet

WORTH IT!!!

probebeta · 2025-12-04T03:46:38+00:00

"The reason why divorce is expensive is because it's worth it".

You will most likely be destroyed financially if it goes to court. If you can settle somehow where both of you are sane enough to settle you'll both be better off, but it's easier said than done. You have to push back, get creative, negotiate, strategize how to get a good deal and get out of this with your skin. Butin the long run you're better off than being in a bad marriage. Things do get better, much much better. Single dad life is tough but it can be manageable. My experience.

ImpermanentSelf · 2025-12-04T02:54:54+00:00

More young unmarried men need to read these stories. They need to opt out. Marriage is not worth it in this modern world

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2025-12-04T02:48:01+00:00

She goes to the attorney and gets the same advice. And then she files on you.

Only takes 1 to divorce

IrresponsibleInsect · 2025-12-04T02:02:05+00:00

I paid 3 separate attorneys for consultations 3 years ago. Decided then that I would never file. Whether it was how badly I would get screwed, or the things I would have to do to not get screwed, neither of them were better than the hell my marriage had become.

I started having boundaries, engaging in self care, essentially cut her off of discretionary spending from "my" money (she had already coined the term "my" money to refer to the little she made, and opened her own bank account to separate our finances), while I was still paying 75%+ of the bills, doing 60% or so of the domestic duties, and much much much more. The division of finances and labor wasn't even close- I was being exploited and disrespected. Stopped bringing her on vacations (per the children's requests). Didn't buy her anything for holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays. Basically told her that if she wasn't going to act like a partner, I wasn't going to treat her like one. Turns out, all of both of our behavior is VERY close to coercive control, which is a legally defined form of domestic violence.

She finally got drunk and lost her composure, breaking things and becoming belligerent. I calmly confronted her and she got verbally abusive. I left with the children. I was gone for 13 days with them, calling and talking to her every day with her reassurances that we would meet to discuss a safety plan so the family could return to the home without being abused by her. She was leading me on. Day 2 she had filed for a bogus restraining order and went full silver bullet on me.

That was 6 months ago. I've gone back and forth between trying to reconcile with her and going full out war. I'm in $18,000 on services rendered for 3 separate attorneys. She's $8,000 in. Between attorney fees, having to finance 2 separate households, and all of the other disruptions this has had in our lives, our family has doubled our debt in the last 6 months. At one point after a reconciliation attempt failed because she failed to honor her end of the agreements (wanting me to violate the order without her modifying it lawfully), I filed for dissolution.

Our 5 minor children wanted to live with me, but the courts are slooooooooow. Our 2 adult children supported me 110% and offered to testify against their mother in court. The kids were breaking down emotionally, grades fell apart, health deteriorating, she couldn't keep up with it. Half of our livestock died. The house and property went to ruins. Our son ran away.

It came time for the trial for the restraining order. I had submitted at least 5 ex parte petitions to undo everything the temporary restraining order was doing- all denied and also set for trial. Over 500 pages of defacto evidence that she did not fear me, was in no danger, and was using the restraining order to take the children, a car, the house, and have sole use and possession of all of our belongings and assets. That, in and of itself, is coercive control and domestic violence if it's done without merit. I had submitted a 165 page complaint to the state BAR association against her attorney for the attorneys letter coercing me to violate the restraining order, claiming that I was "playing games" for not taking one of our children back (the one that ended up running away) in violation of the court order. They refused to modify the order and were picking and choosing which portions they wanted to enforce.

So I again offered reconciliation. I had 3 options- continue with the restraining order silver bullet BS (prospects not good because it's rigged against men and I was out of $ for an attorney), Win or get the restraining order dropped and continue with a dissolution (we'd still fight tooth and nail for the children for the next 12 years), or reconcile and I get to see my kids every day.

I chose reconciliation. After several rounds of trying to get me to agree to concessions, essentially asking me to give her the house and custody in exchange for dropping the restraining order, she finally dropped it without concessions and with prejudice. The one condition was that I had to drop my dissolution filing as well. So we're back at square 1, with double the debt and 2 houses. The courts and attorneys are out of our lives. Where do we go from here?

Was it a good idea? IDK. Was it the lessor of 3 bad paths? Absolutely. It is not going to be easy. I essentially just have to remember always- I have to make sacrifices to be here full time for my children. I will pay whatever needs to be paid, I will do whatever needs to be done, I will have essentially 0 expectations or judgement of her. No more transactional relationship, no more fighting, no more disagreements, nada. I am a broken man making the sacrifices necessary to be present for my children and make sure every $ I can goes to them directly.

At this point I've spoken to probably 10-15 attorneys, retained 3 and done hours and hours and hours of research, as well as scouring the net with AI for likely outcomes, defense strategies, obscure codes that might help, etc. Unless I have a legit criminal case against her that would give me the upper hand, or insanity declaration from a psych, I will do what it takes and endure what I have to until the kids are 18. That makes me either brave or stupid. I understand both accusations and have been called both by friends, family, and foe alike.

a_day_at_a_timee · 2025-12-04T02:00:22+00:00

She’s going through perimenopause. It wacks out their brains. Listen to a bunch of podcasts on the topic and learn how to approach the subject of hormone replacement therapy. This will probably save your marriage if you want it to.
If you do get divorced. Do not give her any more than 50/50 custody. If women can hold a job and care for kids so can you. It takes a village. Make friends with your kids parents. Tap your mom/sister/friends for help. Pay for after school care. You want to train your ex to work and be a self sufficient adult.
Yes, you will lose at least half. My attorney fees used up $100,000 of my 401k. She got the other half. However, after year 5 of being divorced I have more saved than I did before because I don’t buy expensive throw pillows or go to champagne brunch.
The kids will recover. I have a great relationship with my two now teenage girls. At volleyball practice now.
It took a while but I have a better job, a better house, a new car, new RV, and a garage full of new tools (she sold my old ones at yard sale).
I don’t regret it at all. i wouldn’t even swipe yes on my ex if I saw her today.

Puzzleheaded_Monk_39 · 2025-12-04T01:55:40+00:00

I’m in California. It’s a 50/50 state for kids and assets. If you have assets prior to marriage and not commingled or inheritance not commingled make sure you don’t commingle them. Rest is split. I recommend you get a lawyer on retainer and have them on stand by. Then find a cheaper mediator lawyer who will do the initial filing and mediation stuff and hopefully you can get more than 50/50 since everything is negotiable except the calculated child support. It turns into a shit show when you or her want to argue and play games. Then it’s just burning money on whatever lawyer, mediator, child specialist and going to court until judge just makes it 50/50 if you’re both clean from a criminal standpoint and any abuse stuff etc.

Slowloris81 · 2025-12-04T01:45:02+00:00

It’s really jurisdiction specific but I hear California is really tough for guys. As for legal fees, yeah - they’re crushing. If it’s a drawn out fight, easily over $100K each and she might ask you to pay all or some portion of her share.

I made it through but because I had no choice and also my marriage wasn’t as long so alimony was capped. Fortunately I had saved up enough to absorb much of the hit but it was still a significant hit.

That1TimeN99 · 2025-12-04T01:43:51+00:00

I’m very sorry you’re going through this right now. Do your research and find a COMPETENT divorce attorney. If your wife is not willing to cooperate and it can be very expensive. Do your research on how to best protect yourself and your time with your kids.

Title	Lawyer told me in a divorce I’d be financially wrecked. Wife is emotionally gone. Any dads survive getting hit with this reality?
Author	Aggravating_Chip3285
Upvotes	54
Comments	70
Date	December 4, 2025 1:34 AM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1pdmyj0/lawyer_told_me_in_a_divorce_id_be_financially/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/lawyer-told-me-in-a-divorce-id-be-financially.1568012 https://theredarchive.com/post/1568012

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