I think people should lay out all their cards on the table before they enter into a relationship.

Fragrant-Half-7854 · 2026-04-06T11:26:28+00:00

My husband and I met at a friend’s house and spent 4 hours that night sitting on the porch talking. We talked about everything from values, upbringing, kids, pets, sex, money, previous relationships, etc. We talked this way for a week, got engaged, and married after knowing each other for two weeks. We’re celebrating our 35th anniversary this year. Best thing we ever did.

Mela_ninja · 2026-04-06T10:55:40+00:00

Yeah and this has worked really well for me.

There are some limitations;

1) most people aren’t good at reading others or bringing this is a way that increases the chances of truthful answers.

2) Most people lack the level of self reflection to fully understand all their issues. A lot of time they’d dismiss it or deflect it.

3) The good will assumption: a lot of people aren’t good people so this can only work if they have a good level of morality.

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2026-04-06T10:55:08+00:00

What sort of cards do you mean?

Perfect-Reading-761 · 2026-04-06T11:29:23+00:00

My husband and did this. We laid out what we wanted and did not want on our first date. Started our communication clear and transparently from the off

mandoa_sky · 2026-04-06T10:03:39+00:00

you're assuming that the other person has good intentions.

some scammers are very patient when it comes to info gathering

Certain_Process_7657 · 2026-04-06T14:50:54+00:00

I've been practicing this the last couple years I've been more intentionally dating. On first dates, I like to get deep. Pretty much nothing is off the table. Politics, family dynamic, religion, dating history.

I don't do online dating or much small talk over text. I save all these deep topics for the actual in person date.

This way you both can get a much stronger vibe about the other by the end of the date and see if it's worth pursuing more dates.

AutisticRats · 2026-04-06T22:16:47+00:00

I only do online dating, and I come in like a wrecking ball trying my best to sabotage the likelihood of a first date by being authentically myself and putting all my dirty laundry out early. Past relationships, kids, pets, money, drugs, politics, religion... these things are all discussed before a first date. The goal of dating to me is to form a long-term healthy relationship and testing the waters with these things early makes more sense to me to filter out potential future issues.

If the goal was to get to a first date, I'd just keep quiet. If the goal was to form a relationship, I would just be quiet. If the goal was sex, I would just say whatever they want to hear to get me there. But to me those aren't the goals. It is about genuine connection that comes with authenticity. Does that mean my compatibility rate is 1 in a million? Maybe, but that just means I need to be more precise with my search and not attempt to date every person I come across since I don't have time for a million dates.

RelativeYak7 · 2026-04-06T10:28:50+00:00

Agree with you, the problem is a lot of people don't think it's an issue to rope you in before disclosing horrendous stuff.

toasterchild · 2026-04-06T11:50:46+00:00

I'm totally down for getting a much info as you can early on but needing all info before dating is crazy because it nullifies the whole point of dating which is to get to know someone better.

Learn to break up without thinking it's some massive personal failure. It's not a failure to date someone a bit and realize you aren't compatible.

captaindestucto · 2026-04-06T14:09:44+00:00

I can't help wondering how this would play out for very romantically inexperienced people, who would be drastically shrinking their dating pool by outing themselves like this.

What about childhood trauma? Messed up 'attachment style'? History of depression or other mental illness? There's no end to it.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2026-04-06T18:47:54+00:00

I did this the good the bad the whole lot. He did the same. Worked a dream

MarioWilson122 · 2026-04-06T20:52:57+00:00

The problem for men is that men are not in the position to just sit back and screen people, they have to create the opening first, approach, keep it moving, build interest, and avoid killing it too early. So when people act like early honesty costs both sides the same, that is just false from the start.

Women can usually afford to press earlier because they have more attention coming in and more replacements if one situation dies, most men do not. So for men, getting heavy too early can easily mean talking themselves out of one of the few real opportunities they had before anything even formed, that is why this is not some equal burden, one side is filtering options while the other is trying to create one.

mobjack · 2026-04-06T21:26:08+00:00

Are you in any level still hung up on an ex or previous sexual relationship in anyway?

If you had multiple partners or jumped from partner to partner for awhile, what have you done to prepare yourself to live a monogamously(if that is what you want)..

Has any intimate relationship/situation heavily affected in you anyway which may hinder the development of our intimacy? Whether it be things you no longer do or things you want to continue doing...

I agree what you are saying in principle, but there is a lot of insecurity and judgement coming from those questions. It makes it look like you have lots of baggage.

Instead, I would ask when was your last serious relationship? Why did it end? From there you can ask follow up questions , but try to keep things casual and non-judgmental. You will get better feedback that way.

If a women said she got out of a 4 year relationship, you don't need to ask her about monogamy. If the relationship was toxic, she will let you know.

anonymousppd123123 · 2026-04-06T11:04:48+00:00

Most people are angling for something between short term and long term. If youre probably just going to hook up with the person a few times theres no reason to get into the baggage and ruin the mood

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2026-04-06T11:47:29+00:00

Exactly. How else could you do it. It's totally automatic to me to share everything from the start.

MonxtahDramux · 2026-04-07T02:30:10+00:00

Totally agree. Thought about this few days back. If you’re anything beyond your teens, it’s best to lay the cards down from the get go.

Most times, we get in emotionally only to discover fitting issues

PotentialPresent399 · 2026-04-06T12:32:16+00:00

No, this is the dating mindset of a laser focused permanent mission oriented woman looking to secure stable long term partnership.

Like I GET why SOME people date like this, but im NOT trying to do that. Im literally just seeing what new people are like and vibing. I just DID the whole uber serious thing we can chill out for a little bit lol

Expensive_Lion1807 · 2026-04-06T12:44:13+00:00

If both parties are operating in good faith and have the same goal, an honest and fulfilling relationship. Otherwise it can just provide a very specific road map for a manipulator to pretend common ground and play act at being everything you want until they get whatever it is that they want (notice that that’s not a gendered risk).

MissMenace101 · 2026-04-06T10:47:56+00:00

100% agree. Unfortunately I don’t trust men’s honesty in this as my nativity has cost me in the past but I still agree

TopShelfSnipes · 2026-04-06T13:16:54+00:00

This is a terrible approach.

You're putting your worst foot forward and asking others to put their worst foot forward before getting to the good stuff.

When you drive a car, the first step is hyping the features. The second is the test drive, most often.

You don't talk about how much it's going to cost up front. The dealer doesn't come up to you, shake your hand, and give a list of all the recalls, technical service bulletins, and consumer reports complaints before you drive it.

You have to hear the good stuff and test-drive it first. So you know if the highs are even worth discussing the lows over.

It's the same with relationships. The absence of red flags isn't a green flag. If the person is boring as shit, then it makes no sense to talk about dealbreakers and baggage, because the dealbreaker is that the person isn't fun enough to be with to justify any level of anything.

Like, if we can't even have fun together, I'm out like Shark Tank, dawg.

TermAggravating8043 · 2026-04-06T10:59:14+00:00

Your friend is the kinda guy that would then have told the women “you should have known” if he had a criminal record and started to beat her.

Siukslinis_acc · 2026-04-06T12:33:09+00:00

There are things that you think aren't a big deal or even forgotten about it until something happened that reminded you of it. You might not disclose some things because you yourself are unaware of it or have forgotten about it.

The point that I'm trying to make is that people might not lay out all of their cards as some of their cards might lie forgotten in another pocket, so even the person themselves does not know that they have that card.

There is also the thing of "why haven't you asked me about it if it was important to you?"

mus_b_nuthn · 2026-04-06T14:36:38+00:00

You wouldnt do that at a job interview though (if it works in business, it generally works with women)

ThatBitchA · 2026-04-06T14:43:57+00:00

If a man asked me all those sex related questions, I'd end the date right there.

None of those questions tell me anything about their ability for a relationship. It does tell me the person asking the questions is insecure and potentially jealous.

The questions I ask and want to be asked are about what I'm expecting from a relationship, my goals over the next 3-5 years, questions about my family and friends, what are my hopes and dreams, etc.

Questions specifically about sex tell me that the man is only interested in sex.

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Junior_Ad_3086 · 2026-04-06T13:49:44+00:00

it would be great if people were more honest about who they are and so on early on in dating but it often doesn't line up with their own personal interest to do so. people are on their best behavior initially, trying to hide red flags, not mentioning things that are likely to be important for the other party and so on.

people primarily act in their own self-interest, certainly as long as it's not against the law or anything among those lines. it just is what it is.

DGenerationMC · 2026-04-06T16:22:16+00:00

And then I yell "goldfish," right?

Livid-Log7463 · 2026-04-06T18:03:05+00:00

Unfortunately this would just result in a lot more men being excluded from even the most undesirable women, for example if a man were to disclose inexperience he would be excluded entirely, far more so than any woman with excess experience too.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-04-06T18:30:04+00:00

Not if you want the advantage/don’t care about what the other person wants

RelativeCondition915 · 2026-04-07T00:02:40+00:00

I am here for the lifestyle discussion, and to get deal-breakers out of the way.

However, many of your questions go into sexual history. This is not a question for the first date. For many women who have trauma, this is especially not a conversation for the first date. Her diagnosis is not even be a conversation for the first date.

(This comment is mostly for women with trauma - if you have trauma, please don't reveal your trauma history on the first date. Especially sexual trauma. Especially sexual trauma with a man, on a first date with a man. Everyone else, feel free to ignore this.)

kayceeplusplus · 2026-04-07T00:10:19+00:00

I agree

HungryDepth5918 · 2026-04-07T02:01:06+00:00

Major stuff yes. Minor things like not telling him I sing to my dog like all the time and not even real songs just like one or two rhymes on a loop. You have to hide that shit until they’ve signed the marriage papers and are living with you.

AreOut · 2026-04-07T08:24:25+00:00

Some people pretend they want something they really don't.

standardchoomba · 2026-04-07T17:38:12+00:00

I wish I could have had this luxury in mine. I lived in delusion for nearly 10 years clinging to my devout love for someone in hindsight I did always feel was happy to throw me to the curb any second. Waited until marriage to tell me the truth that she’s a streetwalker out of passion not even money. This all could have been worked out long ago if she was ever willing to communicate so openly as I always tried.

MrBensBusiness · 2026-04-09T02:42:04+00:00

It sounds good in theory, but it’s too rigid for how relationships actually work.

Trust and vulnerability usually build with connection, not all at once up front. Waiting until there’s some real investment to talk about heavier issues is not a hostage situation, it’s just normal progression.

You should be honest about major dealbreakers before things get serious, sure, but trying to lay every card on the table too early turns dating into an interview and kills natural chemistry. Transparency matters, but so does timing.

3stun · 2026-04-06T13:56:51+00:00

People will do what gets them the results they want. It's basic natural selection. If some people do like you say, and it results in losing to other people who don't - then there will be more people not doing it.

Imagine playing in a casino, and some people bet on black and others bet on red. Imagine black always wins. Eventually, there will be no people betting on red. No matter how you try to promote red as being a "morally superior" and "right" color and whatever other argument. People betting on red will get frustrated because of losing all the time and will either change their tactics, or leave the casino alltogether.

Financial-Result-502 · 2026-04-06T14:48:17+00:00

Redpill 101 is conceal your intentions to maintain your maneuverability. I'm not gonna walk around telling every woman who has sex with me "hey i am never getting married or having kids or giving you my money btw" because then like 9/10 of them would run off, cause that's women's ultimate end goal.

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-Shes-A-Carnival · 2026-04-06T14:10:16+00:00

good luck with that

Title	I think people should lay out all their cards on the table before they enter into a relationship.
Author	Foreign_Look8668
Upvotes	27
Comments	82
Date	April 6, 2026 9:57 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1sduhgv/i_think_people_should_lay_out_all_their_cards_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/i-think-people-should-lay-out-all-their-cards-on.1577273 https://theredarchive.com/post/1577273

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