Chores are survival skills not gender roles

Msbroberts · 2026-04-23T21:46:17+00:00

I think teaching your children, both male and female to be self sufficient, a considerate member of the household, and to be a contributing member to that household is important.

I think that is equally important socially and pragmatic.

My three sons and daughter can do everything: cook, clean, do their own laundry, etc. They can also do routine car maintenance, put together furniture, do simply house repairs. And more importantly they understand how important it is to be fairly contributing member of a household. My mother was appalled, "You make those boys do too much!" My husband frankly didn’t care, as long as he didn’t have to do it.

I am a Montessori fan and followed much of teachings around chores; including a lot of autonomy, within reason. We also did a lot of fun stuff, with a wide range of activities from sports to space camp to musical stuff….you name it, the explored it. And because I worked about 50 hours a week, it was clear to them if they did their fair share, Mom had more time for the fun stuff. They also learned the value of co-operation with each other and empathy. I or one of the kids would often pick up the slack and help when one of them had a concert, test, what ever going on.

Ironically, I think this point was especially driven home watching my husband doing almost nothing. As I said, I wanted them to know how to do it all for the sake of the knowledge and independence that brings, but also by doing so one can be an equitable partner.

Bubbly_List274 · 2026-04-23T19:49:24+00:00

I think something missing from all of these discussions is historical background. In many parts of the world, day to day chores were pushed onto lower class people. In Europe this was serfs, maids, etc. In America this was slaves, indentured servants. In the Arabic world it was slaves. In parts of Asia this was servants as well and so on. As caste / class systems have evolved and slavery has been abolished worldwide, the work was shifted onto women. Technology was developed. In many parts of the world like South Africa and America, racial caste systems continued to perpetuate systems were former slaves and their descendants were paid literal pennies to do this work.

All this to say, this work has been devalued for literal centuries at this point. And history shows us that the first subjugated group in all cultures was females / women. So we’re just rolling back the clock here so to speak, to where all of the cultural fluff has been removed (mostly) and women are back to property / servant roles.

We ALL need to unpack a lot more than gender roles on this one.

ETA / TL;DR: the key to what I’m saying is that domestic labor has repeatedly been assigned to whichever group had the least bargaining power, whether that’s servants, slaves, poor women, wives, migrant workers, doesn’t matter. Gender matters here, but so does the greater context. We should ask ourselves, why have humans devalued the most essential kinds of work over and over?

DrunkOnRamen · 2026-04-23T19:18:22+00:00

No, vacuuming is left to my Roomba.

buttercup612 · 2026-04-23T20:03:57+00:00

I don't really love myself, there's a lot about myself that I self critique. One thing I can be satisfied about, even though it shouldn't be one of those things, is that I know I'll more than carry my weight in domestic duties if i live with someone. When my friends would come over in my early 20s, I'd clean the apartment so we all had a nice place to hang out, even scrub the toilet.

It baffles me that there are people who don't feel a little shame in having someone else clean up their messes, or cook for them on demand like a personal chef, schedule their appointments for them like they're a little kid, etc. Also great in bed. Two things I know I can be happy about even if I don't like the rest.

leosandlattes · 2026-04-23T19:24:21+00:00

Tbh I think it's okay to explicitly want a partner who will fill in those missing gaps. Some people either do not learn them, really hate them, or something else. Some people will fall into a stereotypical husband-provision and wife-domestic role, and that's okay. Marriage is a team effort, and preferably you want someone aligned with what you are able to contribute or not contribute.

It is not okay to be like, all men should be providers for his woman, or all women should be cooking and cleaning for their man.

But it's that specific man's responsibility to find the woman he's looking for. If he can, that's really great! If he can't, then tough luck.

Jetpine9 · 2026-04-23T19:31:01+00:00

constant obsession in the manosphere and red pill space with finding a woman to cook and clean etc for you is honestly ridiculous.

Is this true? I don't frequent those spaces because I don't want my algorithms tainted (It's hard to keep them pure and virginal), so I have no idea what they actually say. On here, it seems like non "manosphere" (could they come up with better names? geeze) people are the main consumers of their content, but I wonder "can that be real?" with some of the tings they say.

bluestjuice · 2026-04-23T20:51:48+00:00

I agree with you that the structure of modern society expects people to be able to handle routine cleaning and household management tasks as part of the general package of adult life skills.

I'm somewhat sympathetic to people who didn't get raised by parents who took the time to teach them -- especially since the educational expectations for professional work are quite time-intensive and specialized, so I can even see the logic in focusing on educational advancement for a teen and young adult, with the theory that household tasks are generally easy to learn and can be acquired later. I don't agree, but I can see how someone could end up prioritizing that way.

We have ended up in a weird cultural place where most professional families can't really afford hiring proper domestic labor, but also don't quite have the available time and energy to do it personally to that standard. Most people are trying to patch it together in their off-work time, in addition to the rest of their balanced lives, and it doesn't work too well, especially if any other constraints like ablebodiedness or mental health or children enter the fray.

No disagreement that looking for a partner to take this on for you is not the way to go. ETA: I left out my thesis statement, so here it is: I think that "arrested development" isn't the right conclusion to draw here. It's less about capacity to learn and more about values around these types of tasks.

badgersonice · 2026-04-23T22:30:21+00:00

The constant obsession in the manosphere and red pill space with finding a woman to cook and clean etc for you is honestly ridiculous

Sure. But the right wing expects women to do this work because they do not respect anyone who does that work, and they feel emasculated when they have to stoop to doing any of that feminine work they view as beneath their superior manly dignity.

They’re not going to change.

DGenerationMC · 2026-04-23T22:28:46+00:00

It's like paying the bill:

WILL SOMEONE JUST FUCKING DO IT PLEASE

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Sophisticated_Cynic · 2026-04-23T21:39:11+00:00

There is a whole lot of stuff going on here.

I think it’s mostly an insult to trigger feminists who see this as low status work.

The men who are serious about it… I suspect they are incompetent mommas boys who can’t take care of themselves. In this you are correct.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-04-23T22:38:58+00:00

Gender and its roles are in the mind. So if people believe they are, they are

-Kalos · 2026-04-24T11:20:58+00:00

I want my future daughters to be able to earn for themselves without having to depend on a man and I want my future sons to be able to have basic life skills without having to depend on a woman. But that's crazy talk in MAGAstan

matthedev · 2026-04-24T13:51:17+00:00

If chores are what's going to make or break a relationship, there's always trying to scrounge up enough money to hire a maid instead of letting an otherwise happy relationship fail over chores.

I agree, though, that grown adults, men and women alike, should be able to do basic chores like cleaning their home, doing laundry, and cooking. I'd think (or hope at least) most people start doing household chores as children, starting with making their bed and picking up their toys when they're done playing with them: basic stuff. Obviously, most kids don't like doing chores, but it's basic parenting to give children small responsibilities.

Asleep_Cheesecake_72 · 2026-04-23T19:57:39+00:00

As an adult you should be able to cook and clean for yourself.

Why? Im an engineer in my 30s too and im capable of cleaning but not that good at cooking. Im able to afford a nanny and hire her on weekends to clean and cook and leave some food in the fridge. I also get food delivered a lot. I make more in an hour of work than i would save by cooking/cleaning myself

I sense an intolerance to alternative ways of life in you. Is it really “adult competence” for me to cook, clean just to prove an egotistical point about myself to faraway redditors when that time could be spent more efficiently building a financial future for myself and my extended family?

Is it REALLY adult to let you have power over me with your petty judgment? If we exercise more than cursory thought on the subject i think your point just devolves to “i dont like the way you live” but no moral content. Just a preference. A seething, feelz based dislike. In reality, my way of living produces a better outcome for myself and my family so i dont give a shit

AwardLimp2736 · 2026-04-23T21:47:08+00:00

I look for a woman who can cook and clean, so she can provide a clean environment for a child and cook them healthy and tasty food for them

I honestly believe guys that don't understand that these traits are an evolutionary indication of a good mother are struggling with arrested development

The_Economistologist · 2026-04-23T21:58:20+00:00

"The constant obsession in the manosphere and red pill space with finding a woman to cook and clean etc for you is honestly ridiculous." I have never heard this, and certainly not "constant obsession".

9guyKguy9 · 2026-04-23T19:23:58+00:00

Anyone who lived alone doesn't need a woman to clean and cook

We need them for emotional reasons and sex

The thing is we tend to have a different view on how many chores how often and how should be done

NewspaperNecessary16 · 2026-04-23T20:09:38+00:00

While I do these things on my own. I believe the same can be said about some women wanting a guy to open doors, pay for the dates, and do all the initiating when it comes to dating. I’m fine if traditional people want each other. But I don’t like when people pick and choose gender roles only when it benefits them.

abaxeron · 2026-04-23T19:43:51+00:00

The constant obsession in the manosphere and red pill space with finding a woman to cook and clean etc for you is honestly

non-existent.

As an adult you should be able to cook and clean for yourself.

As an adult you also should be able to earn for yourself, yet 55% of marriages have a male breadwinner.

Imagine how stupid it would look if I came here saying that wage income is a survival skill not a gender role.

It's been more than 2 centuries since Adam Smith explained like everyone is 5 why division of labor is good and not a tool of oppression.

Barely-moral · 2026-04-23T19:32:09+00:00

The constant obsession in the manosphere and red pill space with finding a woman to cook and clean etc for you is honestly ridiculous.

You have only one life to live and trying to build the exact life you want is not ridiculous, it is the only smart thing to do with it.

As an adult you should be able to cook and clean for yourself.

Sure. After you are able to do it then it makes perfect sense to look for a partner to do those for you.

I’m a 31 yr old man, I’m an engineer, every Friday I clean my entire apartment bathroom, sweep, wipe down counters, do my laundry etc. Cooking is a daily task, that I’ve gotten better at the YouTube and tik tok. This is a survival skill that you need as an adult.

See above. Sure, after I got that skill it makes perfect sense to look for someone else to do those. I have only one life and if what I want from it is for someone else to do those activities then why is it wrong to look for exactly that?

It’s not a role for your future partner to come in and fulfill the missing gap for you.

It is not a missing gap. It is what I decided I wanted in the only life I got.

I honestly believe guys that don’t have these knowledge are struggling with arrested development.

See above.

Disclaimer: this is a debate sub. I personally love cooking and I have no issue with cooking. That is something I want to do with the only life I got.

rejected-again · 2026-04-23T19:56:48+00:00

When women complain about the "mental load" of doing chores, it's just a fancy term to justify nagging. That's the problem with people nowadays, inventing fancy terms for mundane things-like "gaslighting" or "narcissism" or "fat shaming".

Pleasant-Toe8878 · 2026-04-23T20:32:35+00:00

Based on my N=1, chore-based relationships are far more stable than romantic ones. The professional one I have with my cleaning lady has been going on since 2018, for 8 years. She's seen 4 of my LTRs.

Shits and giggles aside, I find cleaning to be a horrible thing, so I wouldn't want a woman I love to waste herself on it. Dishes are done by the dishwasher machine (how come so many ppl here don't have one btw?), I do laundry mostly myself, my cleaning lady does the rest.

But cooking — it's different, it's intimate. I do cook meats and fish, and I expect my woman to cook the rest.

Of course, things change with kids, but I've yet to get there.

thingsenjoyer99 · 2026-04-23T21:05:28+00:00

It's mostly that you want someone who enjoys doing those things for you, not that you need someone to. Obviously it shouldn't be strictly formulaic "oh yeah she has to enjoy doing X, Y and Z", it's just that gender roles exist for a reason and the things each gender is likely to enjoy doing for eachother are likely to be withim those roles

LetItAllGo33 · 2026-04-23T22:03:15+00:00

Most of this just comes down to different standards.

We've all seen women judge a man's apartment for just having what he needs and uses without fluff.

Im married and my wife has never once done a load of my laundry, I do my laundry, but I do underwear after every wear and shirts once every 2 or 3 wears which would make some women gag I know, but it works for me.

I CAN cook, but both my wife and I barely want to cook most of the time and handle it our own ways, I eat quickly seared meat or peanut butter, she eats out on weekdays which is fine she makes enough to.

I think what most women complain about is that they want a man with women's standards for immaculate living spaces. Men don't tend to do nothing. Men tend to do things when they become necessary, whereas women tend to want a schedule to do things like vacuum even when the carpet looks clean.

harmonica2 · 2026-04-23T23:51:29+00:00

Most guys seems to be able to cook and clean for themselves, and it's not a real issue for most therefore, unless I am wrong and i'm just hanging with a more unusually competent crowd?

Title	Chores are survival skills not gender roles
Author	DriverInitial8305
Upvotes	73
Comments	106
Date	April 23, 2026 7:15 PM UTC (2 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1stsgey/chores_are_survival_skills_not_gender_roles/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/chores-are-survival-skills-not-gender-roles.1578712 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578712

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