Q4All: What did your first love teach you about love?

SaBahRub · 2020-08-14T00:38:55+00:00

The heart wants what it wants

And the heart is a dum-dum

FreddyMishima · 2020-08-14T02:28:23+00:00

I learned that love actually does live up to the hype. It’s exactly as good as everyone says it is, or better. Love is one of the few things in the universe that actually is just as good as advertised.

In another comment you wrote “love does not conquer all.” I don’t agree. I think “love does not conquer all FOREVER.” It can absolutely be all conquering if you accept and embrace its ephemeral nature.

True love is real. True love forever is not real. It will always end. But it’s still worth performing. Love is a performance you put on for yourself.

Love isn’t something that happens to you during an encounter with a person. Love is something you do to yourself after the encounter has ended and you’re remembering the unique scent of his body as you drift off to sleep wondering if he’s thinking about you too.

Love always turns out tragically in the end but if you accept the certainty of your own heartbreak then you can open your life up the possibility of creating a heart that’s full enough to break in the first place!

My first relationship was great, dramatic, and beautifully COMPLETE. It had a beginning and a middle and an end. It showed me that true love was real and frankly I’ll always keep searching cuz THE HYPE IS REAL AF! So glad that relationship is long over but so happy that it happened because it gave me a huge amount of reference points for common relationship problems. I know how to solve a lot of problems in relationships because I’ve experienced so many problems.

First relationship taught me that actually putting skin in the game and letting my guard down and genuinely loving someone else will result in CERTAIN MISERY but it’s also INCREDIBLY WORTH IT.

poppy_blu · 2020-08-14T00:58:28+00:00

[deleted]

Crew-Frequent · 2020-08-14T01:21:18+00:00

That time is a healer.

After a bad break up it feels like the world is crashing down and you are in the void. Sometimes it takes literally months and years to get over someone.

But it does happen, eventually.

The more you experience the quicker it gets to 'heal' from break up's.

Lacuna-Foil · 2020-08-14T02:22:32+00:00

It's possible to have big differences in your personality and still be happy together
That your mental state has an affect on people you love and you should keep that in mind (this was largely my fault- we dated during a very turbulent part of my life, most of which was out of my control, and I didn't realize that I'd hurt him as I was starting to spiral out of control with my depression)
Sometimes things end even when you don't want them to, and you'll get through it
That if the relationship was largely good, you'll look back at it with fondness and see where you've grown
Being able to have genuine fun together is probably one of the biggest indicators for relationship happiness for me, even if the fun is immature and makes other people roll their eyes

thetruthishere_ · 2020-08-14T01:08:12+00:00

My first love cheated on me, I was a virgin and he cheated with a non virgin.

We got on very well and always got along. It did not kill me even though it sucked at the time. I took it as we are young and dumb and it teaches you life lessons. I have no ill will from it.

It did not jade me to future relationships but I learned a very hard life lesson by 16 that made me grow as a person.

He was the only man that ever cheated on me.

beigesun · 2020-08-14T01:25:55+00:00

1st time hurts the most then after that it ain’t that bad

reluctantly_red · 2020-08-14T02:57:51+00:00

I learned how important looks could be. When my first real GF broke up with me she told me I had a "funny body". Somewhere along the way I forgot this lesson and had to have it drilled into my head again many years later.

LowCreddit · 2020-08-14T01:23:03+00:00

She taught me that women will use men for sex. After dumping me, she would call me all the time to hang out for the weekend and fuck. We would lie in bed as she told me about her new boyfriends. It was brutal. I just wanted her to love me again, and she just played with me. I eventually changed phone numbers so she couldn't call me anymore.

She taught me to set up boundaries and to respect myself. When it's over, it's over. Don't let it drag on. Unfortunately, my next relationship was somehow far, far worse. The two together developed within me a disdain for women. I only had casual sex for a long time which reaffirmed my views of women up til that point.

Workaholiconew · 2020-08-14T00:27:59+00:00

To understand people better. To understand people based on their behavior instead of words, and that many times, you are lustful, not in love.

2020-08-14T01:26:08+00:00

That love should be playful, and with mutual respect. The image you have of each other is important- if one of you starts building a negative image and lose respect for the other, the relationship won't last. If you stop having fun together, it also won't last.

TheBookOfSeil · 2020-08-14T02:35:24+00:00

That even the most innocent of things can ruin it if the other person gets jealous.

kleinapple · 2020-08-14T07:43:29+00:00

The difference between a sincere "I love you" and "I'm not going to settle for less than I'm worth" is 48 hours and a better option.

Reisiluu · 2020-08-14T08:04:55+00:00

I learned that just because you are in love doesn't mean you will be treated like you expect to be treated. He can't read your mind and he wasn't raised like you. You have to actually establish boundaries and communicate what you want.

I also learned that happily ever after is just as nice as it sounds and relationships don't have to be hard work. Being with the right person is very easy.

Crew-Frequent · 2020-08-14T13:27:47+00:00

This quote sums it up best

“We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever. But love isn’t like that. It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it stays for life; other times it stays for a second, a day, a month, or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don’t be surprised when it leaves, either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.”

Priscacara · 2020-08-14T00:45:57+00:00

I learned how much a broken heart can kill you inside, and how your friends will invalidate your pain because he was not their type.

Bildungsfetisch · 2020-08-14T00:46:03+00:00

Having sex with someone when you don't really want it actually is 1) not a proof of love 2) not something your partner is entitled to 3) more harmful to your wellbeing and relationship in the long term than having firm boundaries.

I am a woman who just recently realised that I'm asexual. My struggles finally make sense in hindsight. I'm still working on developing the integrity to decline or stop when I'm not in the mood for sexual activity. The right to say no doesn't only apply when the situation is immediately harmful to your mental and physical wellbeing. It applies always. Enthusiastic consent should always be a given.

wekacuck · 2020-08-14T00:24:51+00:00

My first love? It taught me that girls like much older boys.

abaxeron · 2020-08-14T01:21:28+00:00

I don't think I had "first love".

Every instance was different, felt "real", and was more insane than the last one.

intersIn · 2020-08-14T02:25:22+00:00

That setting and enforcing boundaries for what you will and will not accept in a realtionship, doesn't mean you don't love the person, it just means your respect yourself enough to have and believe in them.

gigababejfl · 2020-08-14T03:03:40+00:00

The wrong thing. The idea that their withdrawal and abuse is just a test of my value and the authenticity of my love.

That misery is normal and that joy is just luck and graciousness bestowed upon me at their will.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2020-08-14T03:22:46+00:00

Get their ass into THERAPY, and LEAVE - mafuckas threatening to kill themselves if you leave is a form of mental manipulation, I used to get sucked into that shit, GET OUT OF THERE immediately, don't try to save them - if they die, they die, they are not right in the head and will suck you dry of all life and joy

poppy_blu · 2020-08-14T03:31:47+00:00

[deleted]

GennyX · 2020-08-14T04:03:54+00:00

Never date a stoner, ever again. Or any other type of drug addict, for that matter. That lesson served me very well, once I got out of that situation.

Willow-girl · 2020-08-14T04:41:08+00:00

We were teenagers and his dad sent him to live with his mom in another state.

My takeaway was, "If you can't be with the one you love, Honey, love the one you're with."

nemma88 · 2020-08-14T07:53:54+00:00

It was like that Cher song, Heart of stone.

I grew up with all the adult relationships around me intact and I thought love was a forever thing, my parents were always openly affectionate to each other. Not so much, the time when my partner said he'd re-evaluated things and he 'Didn't love me anymore' (but didn't want to end the relationship...) Is etched into my memory.

I learnt relationships were not what I thought.

SslimReaperr · 2020-08-14T02:10:42+00:00

Haha these comments are brilliant.

Men complain that women aren’t capable of love, women just love qualities (ex:height) but not the actual man.

But in the same stinky hypocritical breath men declare they love submissive, young, beautiful, sexy, skinny, big ass, big tits, “agreeable”, virgin women.

OXOzymandias · 2020-08-14T00:26:59+00:00

Dont wait to have sex...

1 year relationship endend by her moving to France, never banged her, cus, she wanted to keep it for marriage, ngl at sone point she didnt care and i was just trying my nice guy move....no bby i will wait....STUPID DUMBASS SHE WANTED TO BANG YOU, YOU SHOULD HAVE BANG HER

Also my first and only love tbh

Sid_Insidious · 2020-08-14T00:31:42+00:00

She cheated on me with a rapey asshole who later tried to stab me.

My trust issues with women were born...

poppy_blu · 2020-08-14T01:47:25+00:00

I've been in love

I also believe women love (disbelief in which seems to be a common lesson, I suppose)

It's just not good enough for me, both knowing there's more out there for me, and knowing there's more out there for the girl.

The suspension of disbelief if takes to entertain these kinds of feelings in a world like this, well, I don't think it's for me.

I believe this is a practical realization at which many of my generation are arriving, some excitedly, others begrudgingly

Hannubal · 2020-08-14T00:21:34+00:00

It taught me that I had a lot of issues that needed dealing with. I was too quick to become infatuated, to hesitant to take what I wanted - completely unsure of what I wanted. I was too desperate for other people's approval, which prevented me from being able to have a healthy relationship. These realizations drove me to spend more time working on myself.

Barely-moral · 2020-08-14T00:28:47+00:00

I learned things about myself. I learned nothing about the world or how relationships or other people work/function. That I learned years after that. Since I was an incel I didn't learn any of it through love nor experience but through research, reflection, observation. Only after meeting miss moral I learned about that kind of stuff through first hand experience.

I learned that for me, love looks like the decision to choose someone and obsess over them. To put their benefit first and a relationship with them as a desireable goal. (I was not wise enough to know how to determine what things benefit another human by the way)

The relationship with said human was non existant and went nowhere.

So I learned that the less happens between the object of my affections and me the easier it is for me to decide to stop the obsession and change my priorities.

Did it affect future relationships? Not by much.

By the point I was able to have a relationship I had other lessons learned that had more of an impact.

lilastr · 2020-08-14T01:16:21+00:00

Don’t have it yet

Barneysparky · 2020-08-14T01:38:10+00:00

My first love was a boy named Buddy, not his real name but what everyone called him. He was 16 when we first met, I was 13. He was a very pretty boy, his parents started selling him at a very young age in the late 70's.

My relationship with him taught me that my fair skin and address gave me the privilege to not go in and out of jail until I died with no one caring. His life was very sad.

jjlew922 · 2020-08-14T02:31:08+00:00

That true love does not come to you until you are ready. Until you understand what that is, as a human being, to love. Until you heal the wounds of your past. Until you realize that the perfect love you’ve created in your head is just a fantasy. Until you get to a place of authenticity and vulnerability. The first love is real, raw, emotional and devastatingly heartbreaking but it is a lesson to learn, as is all relationships along the way, to help you grow.

Dongune · 2020-08-14T04:09:01+00:00

It’s not worth it in the long run

kwalden2 · 2020-08-14T04:27:01+00:00

I learned that trusting someone else is a choice you make every day over and over again. I learned that I had some really bad issues with social interactions that needed to be worked on. Basically, there us a time, place, and way to share feelings/information. I learned that no one person can be entirely good for you or entirely bad for you. I learned that I just want to be treated like a normal woman, despite certain clear differences. Not being made to feel like a freak makes a big difference.

philomexa · 2020-08-14T04:49:07+00:00

He taught me that just because your share the same flavor of crazy, its still not enough to overcome reality. We were obsessed with each other as much as we were obsessed with our sadness; some Romero and Juliet suicidal pact nonsense. Eventually parents intervened and forced us into individual therapy. Time, distance, and therapy cleared the fog, showing us that despite our similar upbringings we would always be strangers in each other's worlds.

He was an all American jock, and I was an artsy weirdo. Our families were friendly but very, very different. He was meant to marry a servile, mommymoo, blonde Methodist white lady that will pump out white Christian babies, and I was dead set on forging own weirdo path.

First love generally can't overcome well paved generational expectations, but I wouldnt want it to.

qantuum · 2020-08-14T09:03:08+00:00

It was not my first relation, but my 3rd, that was the most significant in learning about myself.

I've dated the younger sister of a friend, he didn't care about it (weird guy); and I was the most needy teen on the planet due to self-confidence issues.

One day she broke up with me by phone and I stayed into her for 2 years afterwards, she'd even play it around as if I was not hurting. I have behaved like a dick with her too, anyways.

I've learned I was way too serious for this age, and I never behaved like a needy wimp while in couple afterwards. It took me some more years to not be a needy wimp about the relationships I wanted to start; lots of disappointments. Eventually I'm stabilising more and more over the years. I realised it's not just about the looks and the passion, but is that woman someone I want to build a future with. I'm even reluctant to engage in short-term relationships, it's not a thing I desire any more.

It's been 11 years since I've got this experience.

Femalediction5 · 2020-08-14T16:21:52+00:00

I learnt to love myself, both my appearance and personality.

He also taught me what NOT to do in terms of communication in relationships. I learnt to be more open and honest to others about how I'm feeling, and what I want/need.

It was a horrible relationship, but it paved the way for much better things to come in my life.

flamingoinghome · 2020-08-14T17:59:28+00:00

There are, like, four people who could, by different metrics, be considered my "first love", but here's a smattering of lessons:

-You can't force yourself to love someone

-Wanting to be someone is not the same thing as loving them

-"In love" love is not actually much different from just.....love

-When you're really in love, you feel safe

pleasantldar · 2020-08-14T20:11:55+00:00

I learned that I was capable of love. Also learned that this isn't very useful to anyone, unless kept under control and tempered with rational decisions.

cloudydays84 · 2020-08-15T01:26:49+00:00

That moving on isn't the same as forgetting or "falling out of love". My love for that person (and all the people I've loved) still exists and is very much valid even if the connection is gone, that love doesn't disappear and it doesn't need to, because love isn't the finite resource that people make it out to be.

It kinda reminds of this scene from "The Great Gatsby" where Gatsby tells Tom that Daisy never loved him. As much as he wanted to believe that was true Daisy couldn't admit that and if Gatsby wasn't so hell bent on trying to prove that, things may have been different.

poppy_blu · 2020-08-14T00:56:11+00:00

[removed]

ldonnawho · 2020-08-14T00:31:00+00:00

When someone loves you, they'll do almost anything for you. The concept made sense in theory but to see a man that does whatever is possible to make you happy and is always emotionally there for you was amazing.

I learned I had a toxic mentality that I am still trying to get rid of but he set the bar so high for every other man after him

Mimoxs · 2020-08-14T04:17:11+00:00

1) If you are naive, gullible, inexperienced, sheltered, and generally have no perceptions of others, men will recognize it from a mile away and they will do everything in their power to latch you down to abuse you.

2) there is no "good guy" type and "bad guy" type.

You don't have to go to a club and date jocks and athletes to meet bad people. Sometimes the obese ugly guy you met at a culture seminar is going to be an abuser that hits, cruelly hurts you and eventually pump and dumps you. You're not safe by just going to "good environments" and looking for less-desired men.

I wouldn't say love, though? More like "I thought it was love bc I'd never known anything else but once it was gone I felt no sadness or missing"

SeemedGood · 2020-08-14T00:51:13+00:00

That women don’t.

I had to learn that repeatedly though before I accepted it as fact.

The_Lie_Wasnt_Cake · 2020-08-14T02:41:20+00:00

True love is your first love and once you develop it, it never goes away easily. Don't pairbond yourself with someone if you know that relationship probably won't work. Don't make that first kiss, and certainly don't do anything further than that until you're sure. On top of that, make sure you're the first partner of your partner, if there is a disparity in any regard to that do not pursue.

GunBullety · 2020-08-14T03:03:29+00:00

That my previous infatuations, no matter how intense or obsessive, weren't love. Love is much more boring and steady. It's less about your passion for the person, and more about the person. Really caring about them. Which is actually kind of daunting and stressful and not all flowers and rainbows.

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waryanddiscouraged · 2020-08-14T02:09:15+00:00

My first ltr I lived with for two years. She ended up cheating on me with a forty five year old line cook at her work, who barely spoke English. I didn't learn a lot. I was mostly left confused and feeling very poorly about myself. I gained a bunch of weight that I later lost. Ended up living with another much better looking girl for a year pretty much right after since my reaction was to immediately go out and ask out every girl I saw. Codependency has its perks.

Older me looks back and older me was able to learn a great deal. Younger me just reacted.

spacechicken1990 · 2020-08-14T03:59:04+00:00

Cant change someones bad habits and dont settle for being mistreated.

If the relationship is lacking on something someones gonna end up cheating.

Better quit while ahead or you'll only end up worse off in the end.

And most importantly ppl lie, dont have to be on guard constantly but liars are hard to spot & best take most things with a grain of salt.

Shadow_Of_ · 2020-08-14T04:23:13+00:00

Don't get too attatched. Especially to long distance relationships.

MessiahJohnM · 2020-08-14T05:19:04+00:00

I’m more cautious now. I learned that some people just want eye candy for their stupid social media. My ex would post happy pics of us right after hitting me, verbally degrading me, etc.

I changed in that I find people who constantly are posting to Instagram or pull out their phones every five seconds to be unattractive, and I don’t trust those people.

Also learned to listen to my gut.

wizard_down_there · 2020-08-14T05:23:24+00:00

Met a girl, thought she was grand. Fell in love found out first hand. Went well for a week or two, then it all came unglued.

In a trap, trip I can't grip. Never thought I'd be the one who'd slip. Then I started to realise... I was living one lie.

She fucking hates me. Trust she fucking hates me. I tried too hard and she tore my feelings like I had none and ripped them away.

That's my story as you see. Went on Reddit and so did she. Now it's over and I'm glad... Cause I'm a fool for all I've said.

_mwk · 2020-08-14T11:43:08+00:00

i don't think im still fully recovered from my first love. i walked away broken, and i think i still am from it.

it taught me that what ive feared for so long is true, im unlovable.

however, if i could go back in time knowing how it will end, I'd do it again.

upalse · 2020-08-14T12:14:53+00:00

People who are intense always do so at the cost of loyalty. It takes a while for young person to get it through their head that quantity is not the same as quality.

While this rule is neatly universal for both sexes, the nuts and bolts of the lesson play out rather differently.

According-One-2930 · 2020-08-14T14:00:47+00:00

I basically learned every RP tenet about female nature, without articulating it, that a 17 year old boy can.

It means, I stopped expecting that love given to women could ever be requited.

Crew-Frequent · 2020-08-14T20:10:41+00:00

I was in a 10 year relationship and some hookups after but never fell truly in love until last year at the age of 31

What I learned is something I always knew but just never felt it. Anything good doesn’t last and anything terrible drags on.

Awfulness in all areas of life has a longer half life.

In short it taught me that I pretty much just hate existence and can’t wait to be in the ground

YourAverageTurkGuy · 2020-08-14T22:35:06+00:00

I learned that the person you imagine in your head is not the same with the person in reality.

eg8245 · 2020-08-15T18:10:49+00:00

Love brings you to your highest and lowest point in your life

diacylglycerol82 · 2020-08-15T18:12:52+00:00

What even is "love" I understood it to mean lust and attachment, with lust tending to die down after a max of 6 months but often quicker.

I guess a better way of presenting it from a mans perspective is a sense of duty and honor, much the same way you have a duty to look after the interests of your friends.

RedPill_is_a_cult · 2020-08-16T06:42:56+00:00

That idealizing someone is both self sabotaging for the relationship and dehumanizing of them.

bskeevy · 2020-08-16T21:45:11+00:00

First love changed me in that I learned to be less complacent in future relationships. She was by no means perfect but in retrospect, some of the things she did that led to our demise were a direct result of my actions. Also that both individuals have to be all-in on making it work, and that work never really ends. I hadn’t really thought about it much until just now typing this, but it was pre-internet; information that’s easily available now might have helped us stay together, but on the other hand in the age of Internet dating, I don’t think she would’ve been with me in the first place.

slavicgypsygirl · 2020-08-21T23:25:10+00:00

I have a lot of past trauma so have never let myself love anyone

I just date & run away from men repeatedly which I don't think therapy will ever change

Title	Q4All: What did your first love teach you about love?
Author	poppy_blu
Upvotes	28
Comments	196
Date	August 14, 2020 12:17 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/i9bn0c/q4all_what_did_your_first_love_teach_you_about/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-what-did-your-first-love-teach-you-about.67117 https://theredarchive.com/post/67117

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