NO EXCUSES - Date Multiple Men Until Commitment is Established

SslimReaperr · 2020-03-06T20:18:23+00:00

Never compete or chase men, EVER. Women that pander to their male suitor make me cringe omg. Men will always, without fail, chase & work for women they genuinely want. Never let them stop chasing and working for you.

surviveIIthrive · 2020-03-06T21:46:26+00:00

Listen, this is great in theory! The problem is that there are not HVM men lining up to ask us on dates on a regular basis. LOL. Let's be real here. Most of the guys that approach/ask us out are LVM. They ask you out and neg you the whole evening and then try to go dutch with you. That's what most dates are like. So most of us just don't want to be bothered.

On occasion we may meet someone that sparks genuine interest and seems cool and we go out with that guy and we feel a connection. Now, I completely agree that we shouldn't rush it. We should delay sex. We shouldn't be too available. And that's where having a full life with friends and hobbies comes into play. Live your life while you date and don't center it around a man in the talking/getting to know each other phase. Absolutely! But, my time is precious and I refuse to go on dates with a bunch of LVM just so I don't get too attached. Now if I was getting asked out or meeting HVM on a regular, no question! I'd date multiple men! But that's very rare!

ETA: And also let me just add here, I don't meet men that spark interest that often! Just being totally honest. It takes a lot to catch my attention these days. I find most men just follow a script. They're just throwing darts and seeing what sticks. I find that utterly boring! So I don't get intrigued by them enough to even want to go on a date. But my approach to dating is very different from the norm and I'm OK with that.

level_up_always · 2020-03-06T20:25:12+00:00

Women are so trained to feel guilt about this because we are the ones with the unlimited options while men have to be trained to have an 'abundance mentality' in order to try and get women. We have the power never forget.

mynamespaghetti · 2020-03-06T20:09:30+00:00

This is a fantastic reminder! Thank you.

I've dated a handful of HVM in my 34 years, and I know I've ruined my chances because of this. I was too available, too pick-me, and too desperate for their attention and validation. The LVM in my life manipulated and took advantage of these behaviors, milking them for all they were worth. The HVM hit the road.

Never again.

honeybeeroll · 2020-03-06T22:02:24+00:00

I do feel like this is good advice but....where the hell do you meet more than one viable option at once!?!?

I am done with dating apps, so that's a no. I have met guys in person on ocassion. But dating is just so fucking exhausting, the idea of having to keep my distance emotionally and physically from multiple interested men instead of just 1 at a time sounds awful.

I truly believe it works to keep your head on straight but where do you guys find the energy or the prospects???

throwaway23004345 · 2020-03-06T20:21:59+00:00

People are CLOWNS for being loyal during the talking stage 🤡🤡🤡 and please don’t tell the guys you are dating multiple people at once. They don’t need to know, just do it.

kolsen92 · 2020-03-06T19:59:54+00:00

Even if you have to force yourself.... I have a habit of catching feelings (on the DL but still) for a guy and canceling on other men I have lined up and I refuse to continue that cycle. Even if you think you’ve found the damn one, go 👏🏼 out 👏🏼 with 👏🏼 more 👏🏼 men 👏🏼 EVEN IF it’s the last thing you want to do. Do not invest in a man until he’s proven his worth and recognized yours.

gigi_chi · 2020-03-06T20:14:57+00:00

Love this and I have always lived by this.

Question, I want to be single and play the field until I am engaged. I had a man get really frustrated with me and ask how do I expect to get engaged if I don’t take the first step which is being their girlfriend. I’ve noticed men get really comfortable with having forever girlfriends. It sounds reasonable but my goal is marriage not forever gIrLfRiEnD.

I don’t see anything wrong with both of us playing the field until we are engaged lol. I believe it’s possible to get to know and vet a man while dating others. Is my approach inappropriate ? Should I change my approach?

I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend because I feel it is a waste of my time if it doesn’t go the length.

Firefly10886 · 2020-03-06T21:06:41+00:00

Yes, I have put FDS as my priority now in dating and I had dropped a LVM the moment I saw a red flag. I’ve never done this before, and he seemed pretty shocked. I felt bad about it for 2 days, but stuck to my guns. Now I feel amazing and empowered.

Whenever I run into this scrote now (we go to the same gym) he always acts awkward and has nothing to say/offer but tries to chat me up anyways. I’ve gotten comfortable with ignoring him. Wish I could block but can’t make him stop working out at the gym.

But I’ve realized that I would have never given him the time of day IRL, as I had met him on bumble and that had removed some barriers to make it easier on him. I still did all the labor.

FDS for life 🙌🏻

rosapalmera · 2020-03-07T02:27:56+00:00

I’m not great at multitasking so I usually like to focus on one thing at a time. However, after following advice from this sub, I have stopped seeing dates as these romantic potentially-meeting-the-love-of-my-life big life altering events, and now think of them as a job interview that I’m holding, and I think of the men as people who need to impress me, rather than the other way around. This year for the first time I started dating three men at once, and it wasn’t time consuming at all because I wasn’t too worried. In the end I wasn’t attracted to one, the second one ghosted me, and the third one was a fuckboy TM, but I am ready for round two! So much more time efficient, and having to split my time and texting between three suitors means I don’t give either of them too much of my time.

ErikaNaumann · 2020-03-07T17:15:28+00:00

I would totally do this, if I could... But where the fuck am I supposed to find all these men?

I tried OLD, and honestly I would rather eat buckets of shit. Irl all the men I meet are either married, divorced with kids (no kids for me thank you), or way too young. The young ones are all over me, but at 34 I don't wanna date 18, 19 and 20 year olds.

Maybe dating multiple guys works in big cities where you have guys left and right, but in smaller cities and towns it just doesn't seem to.

faircreditscore · 2020-03-07T00:38:07+00:00

It just clicked. When a man chases, the woman knows he actually wants her and when the woman chooses from a variety of options, he knows that she wants him.

He doesn’t want her just for the quickest ticket to sex. She doesn’t want him just for the quickest ticket to a relationship. They actually genuinely value each otherrrr.

Wöw. Like I already knew this. But now I know this... you know?

boiledgatorade_ · 2020-03-06T19:45:39+00:00

Yaaaas queen I needed this reminder!!! Thank you!

ivy176 · 2020-03-07T06:59:41+00:00

This would apply to young women dating, especially who do online dating.

But would I date multiple men? No. I actually don't date at all though. My strategy is a little more extreme than usual.

I'm in a relationship but we worked together for years, we didn't meet on any dating scene. I simply don't do dating, honestly it's not enough for me and wasn't a part of my culture growing up.

It might seem so weird to some people, but I am not interested in wasting my time meeting up with random people and I never have. Seems scary and stressful.

For me, I'm not interested in a guy until we've been friends first and he's proven himself to me over years. For real. I know it sounds unusual but there are different ways people find each other.

Basically I just go about my life, hoping that someone great will come along but not looking for them. Then if a guy pops up into my life and I find him attractive and a great person, I notice him and leave it at that. If we develop a friendship and he starts pursuing me, I'll eventually start seeing him if I'm really into him. But the understanding is that if I've agreed to start seeing him romantically then we are now in a committed relationship. There's never any exclusivity talk or anything like that, it'll be clear that it's a committed relationship before the first date. Keep in mind there will be history there already. It doesn't mean I'm committed to him for life yet, but it means he's 100% exclusive to me and we are discussing the future. It's never casual.

Pretty unorthodox these days, but that's what I do. I don't entertain strangers or have dinner with strangers.

Obviously it's slower pace if you just naturally meet people, so I get why people use apps. But at the same time, I don't know how you ladies do it. I couldn't subject myself to it, but I definitely think it's important to not commit yourself or much of your time to random men you barely know. I can see why dating multiple men is advised in that case.

I guess the difference with my technique is that I'm not zeroing in one one guy, he's zeroing in on me over months/years, and I reciprocate if I'm really interested.

Essentially, I vet vet vet before we've even gone on a single date. A guy has to prove himself to me on a friendship level before I will consider anything more. It takes a lot to get any involvement from me and 99.8% of guys these days probably wouldn't be willing to do that. But there are some that also have the same approach - they're not actively looking but if they meet a woman they really really like, they pursue.

It ties into the reason why I would never date a guy who was ever into casual sex. People are shocked and accuse me of being extreme, toxic, judgmental and all kinds of things if I mention that on reddit. But I decide who's worthy of being in a relationship with me and that's a standard I have for a man. I don't care if it's "extreme" or unusual, but men and women are often gobsmacked and disgusted when I discuss it. It's always like "who do you think you are to have such unreasonable expectations??". Well, I'm me, and I've been with a man for 4 years who proved himself through friendship before we dated. He is not into casual sex, never used OLD and he waited for me. If people decide that's not possible then it won't be. But I always felt it was reasonable for me, and guys fell in line with it if they were really into me.

aclumsygirl · 2020-03-06T20:08:14+00:00

This. ALL DAY EVERY DAY ❤

Queen_Evergreen · 2020-03-06T21:02:20+00:00

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thegypsybean · 2020-03-06T21:59:59+00:00

Question: How often should you be available to go on dates with a guy so as not to appear too available? My usual go to is once a week for an hour at minimum, but I’m not sure if even that’s too much? Do keep in mind that I keep myself super busy with friends/work/my own artistic pursuits, just so that I can avoid becoming a PickMe again. And if I don’t have anything to do on a particular day I have lied just to appear like i am busy.

I was horrendously available in the past and I never want to do that again, but also I need to find a balance that’s acceptable. I’ve already implemented waiting to answer texts for at least a good hour or so.

Cause I do know that some men(even HVM’s) will give up if you’re too busy to even pencil in an hour with them.

gursky0 · 2020-03-06T23:13:06+00:00

I only have one issue with this - finding multiple men that I actually enjoy spending time with.

modernmedusaa · 2020-03-08T02:45:45+00:00

Hedonisms daily reminders are the bomb 💣

I wish I had an alarm that popped up with them

Wake up!!!! It’s 7AM! And remember! Take ZERO fucking shit from MEN !!

Imatworkmotherfucker · 2020-03-08T20:10:19+00:00

I 100% support doing this but to be honest when i was dating I did not have the mental or emotional bandwidth to pay attention to multiple men at the same time. I dated one or occasionally 2 at a time because that was all I could handle. Men are often needy and I just didn't have the patience for it and to do the things important in my life like have friends, hobbies, etc.

SourceInHerEyes · 2020-03-08T15:34:46+00:00

I love this advice, and I agree with it 100%. I love dating around. It keeps your imagination open for meeting the one for you. Never close off your options. We women are blessed to have many options, and this is the greatest power.

Datonecatladyukno · 2020-03-08T22:56:48+00:00

Date. Talk to. Go to dinner with. Not fu€k. I played myself in my 20’s thinking a guy I liked cared if I slept with other people. I just made myself look bad.

Ladies, we aren’t being harsh. We are trying to save others from making the same mistakes, or worse.

metisviking · 2020-03-09T00:13:25+00:00

my strategy: not dating ANY MEN while i CLEARLY ENJOY my life as a single successful woman with a ton of passion, drive, and sensuality THAT NO MAN IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR. :D

Lizadeviza · 2020-03-09T02:23:59+00:00

Wait this isn't what the average woman does? I thought everyone knew that they were the ones with unlimited dating options not the LVMs.

mantaraymagic · 2020-03-08T01:18:45+00:00

I haven't had the chance to read through the whole post, but there's some gold in here! And it mirrors my own experience with dating multiple people for the first time (after a past few years of being an awkward pick-me who thought it was unromantic to date multiple people...).

Posts like these are exactly why this sub is so amazing. I'm seriously so grateful for our amazing community and how we lift each other up. You're all amazing! 🥰

3amdimsum · 2020-03-17T19:59:15+00:00

this is a really good point. i always thought dating multiple guys at once would be hella work but actually its so easy to get dates...seems like an obvious thing that if guys are doing it we should do it too!

sweatydeath · 2020-03-06T22:57:08+00:00

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2020-03-07T18:00:45+00:00

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sweatydeath · 2020-03-08T23:20:46+00:00

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ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2020-03-06T22:31:23+00:00

Yes! 👏👏👏

JesusisKingisLord · 2020-03-07T04:11:03+00:00

Wow, I miss posts like these. Thank you. Yes sis! I need to read this again.

Sewud · 2020-03-07T08:13:18+00:00

My problem is men manipulate me with their jealousy. For instance there was a LVM who was talking to me and I was not interested in him and I told him that, but he still shamed me out of seeing other, better men. I tried to block him, but he would contact me elsewhere because he knew my social media. It was awful, he was not leaving me alone, and he kept threatening to stalk me in perso. I was scared to start something with another jealous man because if creeper number one showed up creeper number two might also use manipulation to make me feel like it was my fault.

I am not dating because I've long identified this weakness in me that makes me easy to manipulate, but LVM still find me even though I'm not on any dating websites or dating apps. I'm getting really tired like life is a minefield full of LVM who will always find me and I can't catch a break. I've identified that I'm too weak to deal with LVM and I just want men to leave me alone, but they still find me.

sweatydeath · 2020-03-07T02:38:31+00:00

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sweatydeath · 2020-03-07T15:15:09+00:00

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NO EXCUSES - Date Multiple Men Until Commitment is Established

Common Excuses

One of the best ways to get back at the patriarchy is by making men compete for your affection.

Do you want to screw up your chances with a HVM and instead increase your chances at landing a LVM?

Food for Thought

Empowerment

Comments

Title	NO EXCUSES - Date Multiple Men Until Commitment is Established
Author	sweatydeath
Upvotes	358
Comments	104
Date	March 6, 2020 7:42 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/feixg6/no_excuses_date_multiple_men_until_commitment_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/no-excuses-date-multiple-men-until-commitment-is.680768 https://theredarchive.com/post/680768