Barely surviving

s3izur3s · 2024-09-07T23:04:09+00:00

I dont understand how your quality of life would decrease this much from losing one person. It seems like ur ex wife was ur wife, friend, and therapist. Why didnt you make/keep friends when you were married?

IAIM2023 · 2024-09-04T02:53:56+00:00

Pick one additional hobby besides the gym. Preferably a social one. You need the distraction and talk to people. You don’t have to figure out everything this second but the gym alone won’t be enough. Force yourself to budge

CopperTylenol · 2024-09-04T00:05:35+00:00

I’m there but I’m still living in the situation. I was anti meds, besides my medical card. Very similar to you. Cut back on booze and weed. Exercising. I just started Wellbutrin. It’s helping with the ups and downs. I’m pretty even now a days and it helps with any cravings to drink. I’m supposed to move up from 150 to 300 mg next week. I have family members that are on it and swear by it. Seems to be helping with no negative side effects. I’m only on it a month. But everything you wrote sounds similar. I have an app for meditation.

NewDay0110 · 2024-09-03T17:42:50+00:00

I'm in a similar situation to you. Feels like there's nothing left to do in life but grind away. Stack cash, investments with what I can. But, the kind of fun times I used to enjoy are so costly to my current financial state that they are unreachable. It's also difficult to build a new network of friends at this age. I don't trust people as much as I used to, especially women, which makes dating even more difficult than it already is. I see red flags like Neo sees code in the Matrix.

My top suggestion is to quit the doom scrolling. Digest more optimistic content. You have your kids so that could give you a sense of purpose to keep going.

Don't do the pharma drugs. Your problem is not in your brain. It's just that life sucks. Unfortunately it just is that way. Embrace the suck.

Character_Pop_6628 · 2024-09-03T17:42:25+00:00

I thank you for your candid description of your feelings. I am 42 and in the middle of a divorce. I'm beyond stressed about everything associated with it and worry constantly about how I will cope. I have been through deaths in the family and I know that the general stress causes clinical greif. Divorce causes this too. It's normal but there are ways you can combat it.
This time period in your life is usually the unhappiness that most people will experience. Midlife. Take care of yourself as best as you can. Let yourself feel upset and don't try to stay busy. You can process it and leave it behind.
If you feel isolated as many of us do, that may be therapeutic if you don't get too depressed. Look up Stoicism. Really good classic philosophy that teaches about coping with just about anything. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is based on it. You can do it alone and it stresses being alone as a catharsis.

Charming-Action166 · 2024-09-03T16:31:26+00:00

Just go on dates even if you’re just having fun. I would try to elevate your career and move up especially since you aren’t going home to anyone now. Do you have a sports team you love? Join a local club. Oh and don’t pay $250/hr your deductible should only be $15-50 depending on what you have.

This_Train340i · 2024-09-03T15:40:45+00:00

You need to find a hobby that you are passionate about, and let that be your meditation and mental health counselor! It could be restoring a classic car, learning the guitar or any other instrument, learning music theory, cooking, gardening, etc. You could also buy a one person far infrared sauna ($1200 on Amazon) which will do wonders for your anxiety and depression and health.

Repulsive_Weird1636 · 2024-09-03T12:40:46+00:00

My ex broke me down in 14 years.

Mentally and physically. I gave it all up to be that perfect family man, work my ass off, always take care off the kids while she was out boozing with her friends and probably got fucked as well.

I became a dirty weak cuck to her, she always chewed me out on everything, i had no friends and used that to belittle me, always calling me that i am not a man etc, while i simply wanted to be that good house dad, i never was good enough.

Now i threat them like the meat they wanted to be treated, its a harsh realisation but one that is fun once you give into it, just become the stigma`s, no matter what you do, you ALWAYS will be the stigma`s either way in the eyes of woman, the goverment and any other instances, you as a male are ALWAYS GOING to be 0-10.

Exactly65536 · 2024-09-03T09:00:16+00:00

The easiest fixes seem to be the price for therapy and the doomscrolling.

Nowadays everything is online; which means you don't need to pay $250 to go to some office. Find a therapist in a cheaper location who still speaks your language, it'll be in the range of $50-$100.

If you have to mindlessly scroll because you don't have energy for anything else, focus on funny cats videos or the intellectual equivalent of those of your choice. Depression moves our focus to dark stuff, and dark stuff strengthens depression; breaking this cycle takes relatively small effort, it's just moving your attention to another thing.

Also, get to the office. If your company doesn't have one where you live, just go to a co-working place 2 days a week. It sounds like something unnecessary, but many people experience boost in productivity and motivation - purely because they get out of their room. I have something of a similar situation, I work and sleep and entertain myself with videogames in the same 7 square meters room without windows, lol. Getting out and going to the office helps a lot.

richreason1983 · 2024-09-03T08:02:17+00:00

Take anti depressants. I understand a lot of people have a stigma towards it. I did too but it's literally changed my life, my anxiety used to the through the roof constantly in addition to pretty bad depression. If I could ask why don't you want to be on anti depressants?

Reflog1791 · 2024-09-03T05:05:03+00:00

$250 per hour therapy is way too much. If you have health insurance it should be $30/hr.

If you can’t get it for $50/hr just get it for free on YouTube.

As divorced men we make $250 go a long long way.

Somewhere out there a guy 10 years older than you was in a way more fucked off situation and managed to double his income and solve his problems.

Keep grinding, keep doing the good healthy things. Be the man you want to be.

GreenCod8806 · 2024-09-03T03:13:19+00:00

If you are doom scrolling you have time to look for a better position and advance your career. Switching jobs is one way to increase pay.

Try to get out more. Join a hiking club. All you need are a pair of shoes.

Plan a vacation. Just visualize where you really want to go. Work toward it.

Join a book club. Check out books at the library. Get your mind busy.

Join a support group. In person or online. Just to communicate and know that you aren’t alone in your feelings.

If you have a video game console make friends on the group chats. Try to create a small circle and play with them regularly to get your head out of your problems. You will develop friendships this way with the right people.

Talk to people. Friends, family, do video calls. Check in with them every couple days.

I don’t how it worked in your marriage but even in a marriage a healthy social life takes work. It takes time. It takes planning. It takes effort. Obviously you played some role in this if you had a healthy social life—so just keep doing those things.

It will get better!

probebeta · 2024-09-03T03:00:52+00:00

From what I read, finances and time sound like the main causes of stress that's preventing you from recovering. What do you do and how much do you make? Whats your custody, child and spousal support situation like? Were you the breadwinner before? I ask this because there's a chance you might be overpaying her.

If you're not comfortable with finances I wouldn't consider dating seriously. Go on coffee dates but that's it... Your focus should be on making money because that's what you will need, and that's what women are after to be quite honest. Gym and looks definitely make a difference but paycheck to paycheck is going to be hard to pull off in the long run. I like rich cooper and I want to quote him, chase excellence and not women. I agree with this 100%

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-09-03T02:46:22+00:00

Dating helped me. It’s easier than ever with technology. Kids, work and new gf keep me busier than when I was married.

Hungry_Safe565 · 2024-09-03T02:12:28+00:00

I work from home. So being in the house alone all day is so depressing. I do go gym it has helped alot . I think I need to find another job to get me out of the house . It’s becoming my tomb.

stupididiot78 · 2024-09-03T02:10:45+00:00

Starting to worry that im chronically depressed or anxious (or both) but don’t want to be on pharma meds.

You say that you don't want to take antidepressant medications and I get that but. In my experience, most people change their mind once someone tells them how they work. I get not wanting to throw a bunch of chemicals in your brain. Addiction is a valid concern and so is not wanting your personality to come from a pill. The thing is, that's not how the most common antidepressants work at all.

People who are depressed typically lack a chemical called serotonin. Think of serotonin as happy juice. You need it and it's good for you. The thing is, too much of it can cause it's own set of problems. Because of that, your brain has mechanisms in place to scoop out the serotonin. The problem is that, regardless of how much serotonin ypur body makes, those mechanisms keep scooping it out at the same rate.

The most common antidepressants are a group called SSRI antidepressants. Those medications don't actually do anything to directly make you feel any different at all They don't add anything so there is nothing to get addicted to. All they do is make it so that your brain doesn't scoop out the serotonin quite as well. That's it.

Your body isn't stimulated to do anything. The medicine just makes your body not be as good at making you sad.

There are other types of antidepressants out there that work in other ways but most people never need those. If one SSRI doesn't work, that doesn't mean that you have to switch to a different type of drug. Just switch to a different SSRI because they make your body less good at scooping out the happy chemicals in different ways. It's all actually really surprisingly natural when you get into it.

I say all this as someone who has really been helped by these medications. Also, I'm a Registered Nurse so I pretty much HAVE to know how these things work quite a bit better than most people.

Kerfluffel123 · 2024-09-03T01:58:12+00:00

You are not alone. I am at the beginning of the real separation. Lived upstairs in the bonus room for 8 months, things improved a little then total disaster last week. I just dropped the kids off at “her house”, after taking them to dinner for 1.5 hrs after she had them all Labor Day weekend. I have a good network of a few intelligent friends, do the gym etc but none of that kept me from balling in the truck as soon as the kids went inside.

MsunuKany0k0 · 2024-09-03T00:33:41+00:00

OP - if you need to chat hit me up. It helps to commiserate sometimes

I joined a divorce separation group called circles and the 179 annual fee was worth especially considering I pay my therapist 200/session

berzerker5000 · 2024-09-03T00:03:16+00:00

You have to hustle even harder to get back on better footing to move forward. A side hustle/ way to make $ on the side to give you more disposable income so you can afford to take trips, invest in yourself; or just buy hookers, should be priority number one. Self care is priority number 1, not your kids sorry. Without a strong you, the kids suffer. Yes it is selfish and that is okay, especially during this time of renewal. Everyone that depends on you will benefit if you really invest in yourself.

You can tap into this misfortune of divorce and use your own misery to fuel a self transformation that will lead to newfound happiness. Start with a motivational program that resonates with you. You have to refuse to see your life as one of scarcity and start creating abundance. This divorce created an opportunity to grow as a person and reach your true potential. Your kids will in turn be raised by a strong father in control of his destiny that has set the example of overcoming adversity and achieving his goals.

DazzlingEcho6475 · 2024-09-02T23:16:26+00:00

The doom scrolling gets you, and I get pissed at myself every time I do it.

I started going to the library and started checking out books I normally wouldn't have before, either something in a field I'm interested in, or books on different social environments to kind of stimulate my thinking. I now generally have several books around at all times, and when I catch myself doomscrolling, I put my phone in the charger and pick up a book. The discipline also has started to help with going to the gym as well.

It's not easy, your mind is at a point where it wants easy and comfortable. You, however, are at a point where you need to (and know you need to) fundamentally change a few things about your life. This is difficult to do for highly motivated people, let alone someone going through a devastating alteration of life. Give yourself some credit and some leeway, but find things that interest you and start finding some activities or groups geared to that. Challenge yourself to do something you wouldn't ordinarily do. Try it, you never know!

I am sociable in the right groups, but I'm an introvert in general. Dating isn't natural for me, and meeting people is tough because i am not a natural conversationalist. I can't usually strike up a conversation with random people. I challenged myself, once a month, to find a singles activity(I live in a larger city) and go out to just meet people. I've done the usual kind of hiking and social mixers, meet ups, gaming nights.

I wish I could just give out magic fixes, but I've found talking to other divorced dads that it just takes time. You will go through a lot of introspection, healing, realization and growth. I'm in a slightly better situation than most, which I acknowledge, because I live in a state without (thank freakin god)alimony. I still had to get a second job to get back to comfortable, and I most likely will have to stay on this track for the next decade.

Good luck! At the top of all this, remember that your positive changes are going to make a world of difference in your relationship with your kids. The first time I realized they genuinely were enjoying the time with me, despite no mom, it kind of drove me to keep aiming for that change. You got this!

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2024-09-02T23:10:11+00:00

This sub can make it sound like cake and roses. It might be, for some. For a lot of us, it's 40 years in the desert.

But.

You will eventually find the exit from this.

No_Pace2396 · 2024-09-02T22:26:15+00:00

I wrote this

Independent_Owlz · 2024-09-02T22:17:22+00:00

You’ve described exactly what I’ve been going through for 2+ plus years. Almost word for word.

I went on a 6 hour car ride this weekend and slept on the side of a mountain in my car.

Getting out helps! Stay strong brother!

alexmixer · 2024-09-02T22:04:51+00:00

Get yourself a good single mom they are out there having 2 incomes makes a difference or if you can single young girl ..I had to go single mom route but got a real one that wants to build a life together

captainchippsixx · 2024-09-02T20:49:41+00:00

Hey man. I’m in my 50’s and very similar situation in regards to the work and money, my kids are great but yeah the $. I feel the stress from all directions.

Only difference is I work a side hustle for some extra cash. And my gf is great. My ex can’t get hired (because people don’t like her) and she had packed on 20lbs and has medical issues now. So the her getting remarried outlook sucks and easing my alimony is not happening.

Work for me in the biggest issue. I want a different job but need the income. I think I would be better off mentally with. Job I loved as opposed it suckS.

Canadian_builder1081 · 2024-09-02T20:47:05+00:00

Put your phone away dude. You acknowledge that the scrolling is killing you. Plan a trip for yourself. Even if it’s just a day. Plan an activity. Give yourself something to look forward to. Why do you have to have a woman to do these sorts of things? Don’t you love yourself enough to go do the things that would make you happy?

yes2matt · 2024-09-02T20:28:27+00:00

Hey friend,

I just want to challenge this idea that at 43 you can't make a career play. I'm a little older, work 55 hour weeks, have five kids 15 and under on weekends, and I'm going to make a career play.

I'm going to have to trim every time- or energy-suck that isn't abs necessary. I'm going to have to do things a lot differently (meal prepping once/week instead of cooking every day).

Current plan is to enroll in a masters program in computational linguistics (UW or ASU), figure how to do it in 1.5 hours/day. It's gonna take everything I've got. But if I learned anything from the divorce, I learned that I've got enough.

Canadian_builder1081 · 2024-09-02T19:42:04+00:00

Thanks guys, some really good suggestions and words of encouragement here. I appreciate you all, and this forum. Taking it 1 day at a time when the kids aren’t around. Currently sweating it out in the sauna after a 90 minute workout. Things always feel a little better after a good lift and sweat.

Jamescovey · 2024-09-02T18:34:42+00:00

Tons of great advice in here. The best thing you have going for you is that you’re mindful of the challenge, capable of making change, and willing to fight for yourself.

Hobbies, new friends, and goals! I took on smoking meats, brewing beer, cooking, reading, hiking, and seeing live music. Kept me busy!

Slowloris81 · 2024-09-02T18:09:27+00:00

I hear you and am sorry for what you’re going through. I can relate and hope to share some hope. I’m of similar age and work a stressful job that I’m tied to while keeping up with young kids (50/50 custody) and maintaining the house. No family or close friends immediately nearby. Two years out of the separation too. Between work and kids and maintaining the home I have limited time to socialize and meet people.

But the little successes I’ve found is in taking active measure to rebuild my life and network. I’ve gone out of my way to meet with family I otherwise wasn’t close to, connect with old friends even if I haven’t been in touch with them in years, and meet new people through hobbies in the limited time I can do them. I’ve also found that divorced dads make for the best support network because only they can truly understand and relate. It takes time to rebuild.

I find it helpful to try to meet every negative by pushing myself to do a positive I otherwise wouldn’t do. Take the bad days for what they are, write them off, and try to take positive steps the next one.

This forum has been really great and helpful too. You are not alone in these struggles.

Interesting-Drop3599 · 2024-09-02T17:59:09+00:00

Get a second job to handle the finances and start saving.

As others have also said, find a hobby with your remaining free time.

Shit ain’t gonna happen unless you make it happen because no one is coming to save you.

Movieman_Steve · 2024-09-02T17:54:52+00:00

Before the weather turns nasty for you up there, exercise outside then take it to a gym during the winter. Stressed- hit the gym. Save your money on weed and save it for spending it on your kids. See if there's signup sheets for sports around your area that are free to join. Maybe there's a group for divorced dads. Before I got married, I had a co-worker who went to college part time and he brought me along to play racquetball with him. Maybe find a coworker to play sports with. Maybe let your supervisor know what's going on in your life to let them know also, cause that stress might get you into trouble at work to where you're not allowed to work there anymore. I mentioned to mine what I was going thru and turns out almost the whole bldg, mine's a small bldg, has gone thru a divorce for some reason. Does your work insurance cover mental health situations for talking to a therapist who deals with divorce? If so, I'd look into one.

heatseaking_rock · 2024-09-02T17:47:12+00:00

Try some sports. For me, darts really helps. Just focusing on the throw keeps my mind off of what it hurts.

ImportantRecipe3087 · 2024-09-02T17:39:08+00:00

Ditto. But you should try to accept that saying you ‘can’t’ quit your stressful job is just an excuse not to do it. I’m not being judgmental, it’s your life after all, but it is an excuse nonetheless.

throwaway66368 · 2024-09-02T17:19:32+00:00

Relatable. I’m coming on a year post separation. There has been ups and down but currently hitting a rough patch. My motivation is at an all time low and I feel like I’m just going through the motion and surviving. I miss being in a good relationship so much. I miss the company, the mutual support, the fun activities, the intimacy, the partnership, mutual goals and projects and nustbthe excitement for the future. I go to the gym, I go to therapy but idk it just all feels pointless. I am dreading the holiday season. Hang it there bud, you’re not alone!

Cheap_House8696 · 2024-09-02T17:15:14+00:00

Find a hobby I got into basketball again playing with work mates almost everyday at lunch it's a blast

JuiceGreat0525 · 2024-09-02T17:09:53+00:00

I’m going through it now. It’s rough and lonely but as some people said to me, it will get better. One day at a time…

Title	Barely surviving
Author	Canadian_builder1081
Upvotes	81
Comments	91
Date	September 2, 2024 4:24 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f7axvi/barely_surviving/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/barely-surviving.1529170 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529170

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