ED? Performance Anxiety?? Wtf!?!

Excellent-Trifle9086 · 2024-10-08T20:37:08+00:00

40M here. I'd call it stage fright, anxious, in your head, wanting so hard to please them.

I had the same issue when I first started dating my STBX wife. Even went to urgent care lol (was hoping for some pills or something). Realized it was from not dating for 6 years before we met and having an unhealthy relationship with porn then. Sex had become a screen to me, it took a few sessions and building trust to perform better. Focusing on acts that turned me on kept me risen. Then I could turn off my anxiety and perform more to her. I figure the same will happen when I start dating again so trying to avoid porn but I need release at times.

Natural_Importance18 · 2024-10-03T17:23:50+00:00

Happened to me for a couple months post divorce. My head still wasn’t on straight post divorce and I had started taking propecia. Check into any new prescriptions then visit your GP. He gave a few boner pills to restore some confidence, I tossed my propecia pills in the trash. Life got better after

No-Development-6085 · 2024-10-03T17:05:45+00:00

Bro get your self a honey pak, or pink horse power. Yes they do work, thank me later

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-10-02T23:58:50+00:00

First time yes, all the alcohol probably didn’t help matters. Thought she wouldn’t reach back out after that but did. More than made up for it the second time

electromattic · 2024-10-02T15:21:11+00:00

Have you had your testosterone level checked? It declines starting in your early 30s so can start to affect things in your 40s. I (42M) had mine checked late last year and it was rather low (250 ng/dl) so I'm working on getting that addressed (on HCG with so-so results so far....probably going to add in pure test later this year).

But as others have said - you can't underestimate the psychological element to this. It may be worth speaking with a sex therapist to help work through this.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-10-02T02:42:55+00:00

It’s happened a few times! Freaked me the fuck out. But then all good.

regertsrus · 2024-10-02T00:29:34+00:00

After I left my wife of 3 kids due to her cheating and manipulating me to the point of a mental breakdown, I also had some weird experiences. At first I couldnt get 100% hard. Then I couldn't orgasm easily. It all worked itself out I a few months to a year

Classic_Dill · 2024-10-01T20:05:38+00:00

First off, just relax! This is extremely common and it’s something that kind of happened to me as well. This is what’s going on, you’re in a marriage with somebody that you had a connection with and you were having sex with her while you had that connection, now you’re going out into the wild with these new women that you have absolutely no connection with and you’re thinking that your unit is gonna stand at attention like it used to. It’s not going to! You’re not 25 years old anymore, or however, old you were when you first got married, that younger guy would bang a bowl of Jell-O and be fine with it, but after you’ve been in a marriage for a long time, and after you’ve gotten a lot of experience, you need more! There is a transition time, Doesn’t take very long, but there is a transition time from that marriage sex to that now dating sex, I have no issues myself now, but I did in the beginning for sure! I also have an issue of having very good stamina, so it’s not unlike me on a weekend to have sex with a woman for 2 1/2 hours, you’ll get there! Just understand that this is normal and I have talked to a plethora of men that have went through the same thing, what it really means is, you’re not a savage! You’ve grown and progressed like you’re supposed to naturally, get some more dates under your belt get some more women underneath you And be very picky on who you go on dates with, make sure that you can have at least some sort of a connection, I’m not talking about love! But love is fine, I’m talking about some sort of a connection and I think you’ll find everything works just fine. Trust me on what I’m saying, I have a very high sex drive and I’m 53, the women I’ve slept with have told me that I have sex like I’m 31, lol you’ll get there, but you’re gonna have to find out what you need in a woman to get you there, just let the transition happen my brother, you’ll make it through. And because I go for longer sex session sometimes, I will at about 40 minutes, pop a blue pill for extra innings, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to have an erection naturally for 2 1/2 hours, lol.

You’ll get there! Let the transition happen and try to get some connection with the woman.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2024-10-01T19:18:19+00:00

Eh, it happens. Same age as you. I was in marriage with no intimacy for a couple yrs. After the divorce, once I started dating I noticed a little trouble too. I think though I had a mental block so it took a little time to get back to normal, but it did. I also have some health issues diabetic high BP, and once I got checked out and on meds, things worked out better. Give yourself some time. You'll get back to where you wanna be.

AttemptScary4550 · 2024-10-01T19:15:49+00:00

It happened to me in the first couple of months of my second marriage. Once I got comfortable with everything the function returned to normal and got better. It was all a mental game.

bvnelson · 2024-10-01T19:03:45+00:00

Same here, was with my ex wife for about 15 years and went through the same as you post divorce. It's completely normal, give it time. I still sometimes struggle the first few times I'm with a new partner so often I will take half a sildenafil to help overcome that. I usually find after a few sessions with someone I relax and i don't need it anymore. Also just tell her in advance and focus on her a bit more the first time - go down on her for ages..she'll love it. I also have a bunch of sex toys to use which can give some more options. And try to relax about it - she'll follow your lead.

Darkfire66 · 2024-10-01T18:28:35+00:00

Happened to me too with a cute 23 year old I was super into...she was cool about it but it freaked me out.

Hit the gym, get your diet right, cut back on alcohol and smoking. Get your head right and everything else will follow.

It happens.

apatrol · 2024-10-01T17:22:32+00:00

If your equipment works well during personal and solo private time then it's a mental issue with sex. As others have mentioned cilias and Viagra can help keep things working until your confidence comes back.

If the women you were with was understanding is someone you care for she can prob fix the issue by being encouraging and making you feel sexy and wanted. It would require a conversation before y'all try again though. You will also need to make her understand it's you and not her.

potatotornado44 · 2024-10-01T17:13:50+00:00

It’s psychological. Happened to me just after the divorce was wrapping up. I got a script for Cialis and that took care of the issue. Since I’m in a much better place now, I don’t need it anymore.

pnceng · 2024-10-01T17:10:48+00:00

There is a sub dedicated to ED lots of good information - /erectiledysfuction

l3landgaunt · 2024-10-01T17:01:09+00:00

Struggling with this myself. After the second time, I decided to go back to taking a break and doing some therapy. I think my issue and it may be the same for others here is that my soon to be ex completely destroyed my confidence in the bedroom. She made sure that the final encounter will ever have was so terrible that I’m not sure how long it’ll take to recover. I also learned at 41 years of age that it is possible for sex to be absolutely terrible for the man even if he finishes. In fact, I regret that final encounter.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2024-10-01T16:42:02+00:00

Very common. Cialis helps to resolve the mental blocks

Good_Dot_2065 · 2024-10-01T16:34:55+00:00

Your psychological health has a direct correlation with your sexual performance, so if you got anxiety in the top, you get anxiety in the bottom

alabama_donkeylips · 2024-10-01T16:03:10+00:00

Happens to all of us, especially in the mid 40s. Communicate with your partner in advance, and give the little blue pills a shot , they make me feel 20 years younger.

THX1138-22 · 2024-10-01T15:43:22+00:00

It usually happens to me the first time with a new partner too. I explain it to them before we try to have sex that it is often the case. That destresses things, so that when we try again a little later, things work out. Most men over 50 have some degree of erectile dysfunction., and if you are taking a psychiatric med or blood pressure med, it will likely have an effect too.

ElFrijole · 2024-10-01T15:42:55+00:00

I went on blue chew 9mg tadalafil for a few months because I was having issues worked amazing now I don't need them but use them from time to time still

Dizi357 · 2024-10-01T15:37:28+00:00

Happens to the best of us. I had my first post-divorce encounter last weekend.

Best thing you can do is take a short break (“I gotta pee, be right back”), switch things up, do what you need to do to get back in the game. But you’ll get there.

bes753 · 2024-10-01T15:35:29+00:00

I don't think it is uncommon at all. I had a few occurrences of it after splitting from my X. I think it is a combination of performance anxiety and healing from the trauma of what you went through, especially with a dead bedroom involved.

Beauty2218 · 2024-10-01T15:31:25+00:00

It’s the porn. That shit fucks your life up.

Alswelk · 2024-10-01T15:01:37+00:00

Yeah, my first sexual encounter with someone who wasn't my ex-wife was...let's go with suboptimal. It does get better. As others have said, the Hims generics are helpful - if you're feeling anxious about things (like I was), the drugs won't make the anxiety go away but it will make it matter a lot less with regards to performance (if that makes sense).

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-10-01T15:00:05+00:00

I was married for 22 years and my first after the divorce straight up felt like cheating on my former wife lol. Probably lots going on psychologically. As the dumpee your already feeling like you aren't good enough so it can be a complete mind fuck all the way around.

I was your age too. TRT plus daily Cialis and I was rock hard whenever. It was a big help in the beginning. I'm a few years on now and we'll over my ex so havent needed Cialis again.

JustSomeDude7287 · 2024-10-01T14:53:22+00:00

It’s common, mid 30s. I had issues after my wife cheated and I went through betrayal trauma. Sometimes mid way I just lose it and when I hooked up with someone new I couldn’t stay erected. It sucks but it’s part of the healing process we don’t speak too much of.

You could try viagra or cialis just to boost your confidence. Hims.com have generic version for cheaper. These pills helps with blood flow not give you an erection.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-10-01T14:50:39+00:00

If you use porn frequently or over an extended period of time then it is likely porn related.

TXJohn83 · 2024-10-01T14:48:39+00:00

Check your blood pressure, mine was bad enough during the split to need meds for it... But no telling man you should go see a doctor.

Title	ED? Performance Anxiety?? Wtf!?!
Author	Several-Eagle4141
Upvotes	12
Comments	61
Date	October 1, 2024 2:41 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ftpre0/ed_performance_anxiety_wtf/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/ed-performance-anxiety-wtf.1531772 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531772

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